They Will Really Put Anything on Television

I listen to you. I do. When you say “Speaker7, please destroy the remaining wisps of soul vaper you have and recrap Splash,” I say “How high?”

Wait…that didn’t make sense. But that’s okay, neither does this show.

I’ll admit, I was a bit intrigued when I saw promos for Splash whilst watching the herpes parade that is known as The Bachelor, but even I have standards.

And then I realized I don’t.

So let’s dive into the deep-end shall we? (Get it? I don’t so tell me what just happened)

Splash Ep. 1

Please tell me what this is. I sincerely don’t know.

Celebrities are going to high-dive into a pool.

Okay I’ve got that part, but I don’t understand why.  Sadly this question is never answered in the four episodes I watched.

So who’s diving? Well I recognize Louis Anderson, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Kendra Wilkinson and Rudy from The Cosby Show. There are six others like this “celebrity” here:

And you are who again?

I’m starting to realize that my time appearing on public access at a city council meeting might warrant me a spot as a “celebrity” on this show.

Olympic diver Greg Louganis will be coaching them. Divers Dave Boudia and Steve Foley, the Australian Simon Cowell of crappy reality diving shows, are the judges. Joey Lawrence and some woman are co-hosts.

Five “celebrities” are diving tonight. Rudy is up first. Each diver gets a personalized theme song. This may be my favorite part.

Damn girl. Rudy’s off her (imcomprehensible) but she’s (imcomprehensible) Damn girl.

We get a brief look at Rudy’s training at a public pool. For the competition, she does a handstand and falls into the pool. Damn girl, that was (imcomprehensible).

Australian Simon lets loose with this critique: “You had as much balance as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest.” Damn boy.

Louis Anderson is up next. He’s worried because he weighs over 400 lbs. The producers are very sensitive to this issue, and that’s why they spend only seven minutes showing Louis being pulled out of the pool like a dead manatee.

Louis says he’s diving “for the troops” and starts tearing up. Jesus.

Let’s get to the song: Big Louis. Watch him take a dive from up above. Tons of fun, tons of love.

Do you have a feeling the songwriters aren’t really trying? Yeah, I don’t either. I dedicate that song to the troops.

Okay let’s wrap this up: The final three divers are Miss Alabama, a snowboarder and Kareem. Miss Alabama wins a point for saying “How am I famous? Good question.”

Miss Alabama and Rudy earn the lowest scores, but Joey Lawrence pretends the audience has a say it in too so it could be anybody’s game. This goes on for 10 minutes and then we learn the audience picked the same losers. They have a dive-off, which is less entertaining than a dance-off and slightly better than a hot-dog eating contest.

Bye Rudy. Joey Lawrence unironically utters “You had an amazing journey.”

Splash Ep. 2

The final five divers are set to compete, but Joey solemnly tells us one diver had to bow out of the competition due to an injury–not from diving, but from falling off a table at the premiere party.

He’s from that horrible Chelsea Handler Show and I don’t feel like looking up his name. His replacement is Brandi Chastain, a soccer player best known for ripping off her shirt after a World Cup victory. Fame.

I learn Drake Bell is the voice of spiderman on Disney XD. Now I just need to find out what Disney XD is and I’m golden. His song: Drake can ring my bell. That is the height of cleverness.

Nicole Eggert took a scary tumble during the dive practice, which Joey Lawrence takes great delight in showing her before her actual dive. He’s a bit of a dick.

Kendra is afraid of heights, and oddly self-aware: “I don’t know why I’m famous. I haven’t done anything.” She starts crying even before getting to the platform.

We see some tension between Kendra and Greg Louganis at practice. She drops an f-bomb when Greg questions her fears. “It’s my journey, not yours,” she sniffles. I take back what I said about her self-awareness.

What is it with these shows being related to “journeys.” Let’s get some perspective. You are being paid money to dive into a pool. You are not Odysseus taking 10 years to travel home.

Brandi and a football player get the lowest scores. Again with the nonsense about the audience’s influence and the made-up tension. Dive-off ensues. “It’s like a shoot-out at the OK corral,” says Australian Simon. I’ll believe that when someone dies.

Bye football player. I’m sad I never learned your name or your song.

Splash Ep. 3

Team diving, which means personalized team songs. Here is Brandi and Nicole’s: Yeah! We’re Team Moms! Yeah! We’re Team Moms! That must have taken weeks.

Kareem and Louis are paired up as the 10 team because they resemble the number 10.

Kendra is teamed up with snowboarder. He ruptures his ear drum on a practice dive. She expresses a desire to poop. Before their dive, Kendra bows out.

Since Kendra refuses to dive, she is eliminated from the competition. She says she will be haunted by this decision, but not by the decision to appear on the show in the first place.

Splash Ep. 4

Fuck.

Alrighty. This was promised to be “mind-blowing” by Joey Lawrence, and now I feel I can trust no one ever again. Tonight the competitors must do a somersault in their dive. There will be no dive-off, and the audience no longer has a say like it ever did before.

Greg Louganis makes Miss Alabama do the same somersault that resulted in his head injury.

She receives a low score.

Drake lies that the competition is becoming intense. He wants to be a frontrunner. Sometimes people’s dreams make me sad.

He looks peevish when Australian Simon tells him “The minute you took off, I could tell you were in more trouble than the early settlers.” Zing.

Lou has never done a somersault dive before. He’s scared, and the producers treat him with dignity as they show him struggling to sit down on the diving board so he can roll into the water.

It’s down to Miss Alabama or Louis. They paw at each other while they await Louis’s scores.

Louis loses. “This is something that’s changed my life,” Louis overdramatics. “This is not my last dive. This is my first step into a brand-new life.”

Joey Lawrence tries to pretend that next week’s episode is “death-defying.”

I will only recrap it if you demand it. Otherwise this journey ends.