They Will Really Put Anything on Television

I listen to you. I do. When you say “Speaker7, please destroy the remaining wisps of soul vaper you have and recrap Splash,” I say “How high?”

Wait…that didn’t make sense. But that’s okay, neither does this show.

I’ll admit, I was a bit intrigued when I saw promos for Splash whilst watching the herpes parade that is known as The Bachelor, but even I have standards.

And then I realized I don’t.

So let’s dive into the deep-end shall we? (Get it? I don’t so tell me what just happened)

Splash Ep. 1

Please tell me what this is. I sincerely don’t know.

Celebrities are going to high-dive into a pool.

Okay I’ve got that part, but I don’t understand why.  Sadly this question is never answered in the four episodes I watched.

So who’s diving? Well I recognize Louis Anderson, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Kendra Wilkinson and Rudy from The Cosby Show. There are six others like this “celebrity” here:

And you are who again?

And you are who again?

I’m starting to realize that my time appearing on public access at a city council meeting might warrant me a spot as a “celebrity” on this show.

Olympic diver Greg Louganis will be coaching them. Divers Dave Boudia and Steve Foley, the Australian Simon Cowell of crappy reality diving shows, are the judges. Joey Lawrence and some woman are co-hosts.

Five “celebrities” are diving tonight. Rudy is up first. Each diver gets a personalized theme song. This may be my favorite part.

Damn girl. Rudy’s off her (imcomprehensible) but she’s (imcomprehensible) Damn girl.

We get a brief look at Rudy’s training at a public pool. For the competition, she does a handstand and falls into the pool. Damn girl, that was (imcomprehensible).

Australian Simon lets loose with this critique: “You had as much balance as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest.” Damn boy.

Louis Anderson is up next. He’s worried because he weighs over 400 lbs. The producers are very sensitive to this issue, and that’s why they spend only seven minutes showing Louis being pulled out of the pool like a dead manatee.

pullinglouieLouis says he’s diving “for the troops” and starts tearing up. Jesus.

Let’s get to the song: Big Louis. Watch him take a dive from up above. Tons of fun, tons of love.

Do you have a feeling the songwriters aren’t really trying? Yeah, I don’t either. I dedicate that song to the troops.

louieOkay let’s wrap this up: The final three divers are Miss Alabama, a snowboarder and Kareem. Miss Alabama wins a point for saying “How am I famous? Good question.”

Miss Alabama and Rudy earn the lowest scores, but Joey Lawrence pretends the audience has a say it in too so it could be anybody’s game. This goes on for 10 minutes and then we learn the audience picked the same losers. They have a dive-off, which is less entertaining than a dance-off and slightly better than a hot-dog eating contest.

Bye Rudy. Joey Lawrence unironically utters “You had an amazing journey.”

Splash Ep. 2

The final five divers are set to compete, but Joey solemnly tells us one diver had to bow out of the competition due to an injury–not from diving, but from falling off a table at the premiere party.

brokenfootHe’s from that horrible Chelsea Handler Show and I don’t feel like looking up his name. His replacement is Brandi Chastain, a soccer player best known for ripping off her shirt after a World Cup victory. Fame.

I learn Drake Bell is the voice of spiderman on Disney XD. Now I just need to find out what Disney XD is and I’m golden. His song: Drake can ring my bell. That is the height of cleverness.

Nicole Eggert took a scary tumble during the dive practice, which Joey Lawrence takes great delight in showing her before her actual dive. He’s a bit of a dick.

Kendra is afraid of heights, and oddly self-aware: “I don’t know why I’m famous. I haven’t done anything.” She starts crying even before getting to the platform.

cryingalreadyWe see some tension between Kendra and Greg Louganis at practice. She drops an f-bomb when Greg questions her fears. “It’s my journey, not yours,” she sniffles. I take back what I said about her self-awareness.

What is it with these shows being related to “journeys.” Let’s get some perspective. You are being paid money to dive into a pool. You are not Odysseus taking 10 years to travel home.

Brandi and a football player get the lowest scores. Again with the nonsense about the audience’s influence and the made-up tension. Dive-off ensues. “It’s like a shoot-out at the OK corral,” says Australian Simon. I’ll believe that when someone dies.

Bye football player. I’m sad I never learned your name or your song.

Splash Ep. 3

Team diving, which means personalized team songs. Here is Brandi and Nicole’s: Yeah! We’re Team Moms! Yeah! We’re Team Moms! That must have taken weeks.

Kareem and Louis are paired up as the 10 team because they resemble the number 10.

perfect10

Kendra is teamed up with snowboarder. He ruptures his ear drum on a practice dive. She expresses a desire to poop. Before their dive, Kendra bows out.

kendrawalksawaySince Kendra refuses to dive, she is eliminated from the competition. She says she will be haunted by this decision, but not by the decision to appear on the show in the first place.

Splash Ep. 4

Fuck.

Alrighty. This was promised to be “mind-blowing” by Joey Lawrence, and now I feel I can trust no one ever again. Tonight the competitors must do a somersault in their dive. There will be no dive-off, and the audience no longer has a say like it ever did before.

Greg Louganis makes Miss Alabama do the same somersault that resulted in his head injury.

gregheadinjuryShe receives a low score.

Drake lies that the competition is becoming intense. He wants to be a frontrunner. Sometimes people’s dreams make me sad.

He looks peevish when Australian Simon tells him “The minute you took off, I could tell you were in more trouble than the early settlers.” Zing.

Lou has never done a somersault dive before. He’s scared, and the producers treat him with dignity as they show him struggling to sit down on the diving board so he can roll into the water.

louieflipIt’s down to Miss Alabama or Louis. They paw at each other while they await Louis’s scores.

louieandkatherineLouis loses. “This is something that’s changed my life,” Louis overdramatics. “This is not my last dive. This is my first step into a brand-new life.”

Joey Lawrence tries to pretend that next week’s episode is “death-defying.”

I will only recrap it if you demand it. Otherwise this journey ends.

About these ads

47 comments

  1. When I was a kid, I’d stand on the end of the diving board and call to my mother down in her chaise lounge, “Hey Mom! Mom! Watch this Mom!” Then I’d muster my courage for my big dive/flip/jump. Somehow, as I hurtled toward the water, I’d always catch a glimpse of her as she’d missed my dive because of some last second diversion.

    I tried calling my parents a couple of weeks ago to check in, and was unable to reach them. I have a secret suspicion that it was because Mom was too busy watching a bunch of “D” grade celebrities dive even worse than me.

    I’m going to need therapy…lots of it.

    1. You should see if you can get on next season. You have a blog so you fit the celebrity status for the show. They could do reenactments of you as a child diving into the pool, and you could start tearing up in your talking head interviews. It would be magical.

      1. I’ll need a special hook though, blog writing can be kind of non-descript, particularly to a viewer who doesn’t read. Maybe a really conspicuous toupee and an amputation. Of course if Trump or Paul McCartney’s ex are casted, those won’t work.

  2. How about a reality show where a bunch of funny bloggers come up with a new idea for a show involving the same characters in different zany situations every week and they hire actors and production people and folks remember how clever those shows were long after they are dead.

    Nah, it’ll never work.

  3. “Louis Anderson is up next. He’s worried because he weighs over 400 lbs. The producers are very sensitive to this issue, and that’s why they spend only seven minutes showing Louis being pulled out of the pool like a dead manatee.”

    Hahahahahaha! Speaker seVen has spoken! Well done. You may have reality show stardom in your future. Maybe Hugo before you, but you too.

    I just also want to add that the wet suits make it even more ridiculous. C’mon, Louis – show us some tittage!

    Ok, byee! \m/

    1. Thank you for believing in the possibility of my reality tv future and for suggesting I watch this. To quote Louis “I dedicate this dive to the troops.”

  4. Drake Bell- I think he used to be a Nick kids star if “Drake and Josh” fame….

    The number 10. Sheesh. There are people in the back saying,” you know, let’s fool America in to thinking this is a reality show- but really it’s a show where we make fun of the participants and see if they ever figure it out! That’ll be FUN!”

    Wow. I’m just stunned.

  5. Oh, holy crap. WTF channel is this on so I can tell myself not to watch yet find myself tuning in because I apparently I’m a masochist? I’ll make you a deal. You take the dating shows and Splash and I’ll take on TLC. I’m thinking the Secret Addiction deodorant eaters would make thought provoking posts. Like, which brand is better? Secret or Old Spice?

  6. Don’t stop, otherwise, I have to start watching and I’m too old to waste what time I have left on this when I can be watching Hell’s Kitchen (I can never figure out why there has yet to be a single contestant to master risotto or scallops BEFORE they get there).

  7. Joey Lawrence? Whoa!

    For some reason, I like Kendra. Not sure why, and not enough to watch this show, but I just do.

  8. Isn’t bad TV ah may zing? Recap is hereby officially demanded. The journey may not end. If you need a break from Splash and but want more wtf, check out Big Rich Atlanta. I didn’t know people could be that mentally broken without being in assisted living homes. But no, they’re in regular homes. Really big expensive tacky as fuck homes that they built on purpose. Love this post – you rock!

  9. How did I miss that? I remember seeing promos for Splash on TV in my gym, before I figured out that I don’t have to watch it, and always wondered why would anyone watch the show about people falling into water. They don’t even give extra points for not peeing in the pool, do they?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s