ABC

Speaker7’s Journey

So it begins again, dear reader. On May 27th, ABC will roll out its stained red carpet and gas up its dirty limo for another installment of The Bachelorette or what I like to call The Loss of Hope.

This season’s “star” is Desiree, a woman tossed aside by Bland The Blandest Bachelor because her brother called Bland “a player.” The correct verbiage is “douchetool.”

I watched a promotion on ABC’s “news” website because all news is entertainment at this point. Another ABC product churned out by Sylvester McMonkey McBean’s Star-Off Machine (re: American Idleautotunes in the background while we glimpse Desiree’s “journey.” It’s as inspiring as a turd’s journey from bowel to sewage treatment plant. As to be expected, there is this:

sadnessI already know what will happen. Men will call each other “bro.” Desiree will profess “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do” while she sends home a man as remarkable as a used tissue. And Chris Harrison will earn substantially more money than cancer researchers for saying things like: “There is one rose left.”

This got me thinking about my own “journey.” In the past, I have watched the rectal sausage produced by the ABC meatprocessing plant, and produced recraps that some find enjoyable and some find lead to acute gastroenteritis. Am I ready to start all over again and accept a mildewed rose?

I guess it comes down to my vision for this blog. It began as a mechanism to force me to write. I would continually say how much I wanted to be a writer, and then plop myself down in front of the TV for hours.

Unlike my other blog, The Official How To Blog, this blog seems rather rudderless. Do I want it to be a recrapping blog? A commentary on current events? A marketing platform for the Shakeweight™?

These are the questions that keep me up at night–or at least until 8:30 p.m. when I crash because I have the constitution of a newborn.

So I leave the question to you, dear reader. I will put forth the effort, but only if you desire it, and I won’t feel hurt if you have reached your limit.

Do you want to read the alcohol-infused ramblings of brainless meat sacks on their “journey” to find “love” and guest appearances  at wet T-shirt contests? Have you grown tired of my recycled jokes where I describe the multitude of objects I will use to bash in my skull? Or is it time we moved on. . . maybe to more serious topics like Tanning Mom’s music video?

Before you decide à la poll, I present you with this:

knight

They Will Really Put Anything on Television

I listen to you. I do. When you say “Speaker7, please destroy the remaining wisps of soul vaper you have and recrap Splash,” I say “How high?”

Wait…that didn’t make sense. But that’s okay, neither does this show.

I’ll admit, I was a bit intrigued when I saw promos for Splash whilst watching the herpes parade that is known as The Bachelor, but even I have standards.

And then I realized I don’t.

So let’s dive into the deep-end shall we? (Get it? I don’t so tell me what just happened)

Splash Ep. 1

Please tell me what this is. I sincerely don’t know.

Celebrities are going to high-dive into a pool.

Okay I’ve got that part, but I don’t understand why.  Sadly this question is never answered in the four episodes I watched.

So who’s diving? Well I recognize Louis Anderson, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Kendra Wilkinson and Rudy from The Cosby Show. There are six others like this “celebrity” here:

And you are who again?

And you are who again?

I’m starting to realize that my time appearing on public access at a city council meeting might warrant me a spot as a “celebrity” on this show.

Olympic diver Greg Louganis will be coaching them. Divers Dave Boudia and Steve Foley, the Australian Simon Cowell of crappy reality diving shows, are the judges. Joey Lawrence and some woman are co-hosts.

Five “celebrities” are diving tonight. Rudy is up first. Each diver gets a personalized theme song. This may be my favorite part.

Damn girl. Rudy’s off her (imcomprehensible) but she’s (imcomprehensible) Damn girl.

We get a brief look at Rudy’s training at a public pool. For the competition, she does a handstand and falls into the pool. Damn girl, that was (imcomprehensible).

Australian Simon lets loose with this critique: “You had as much balance as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest.” Damn boy.

Louis Anderson is up next. He’s worried because he weighs over 400 lbs. The producers are very sensitive to this issue, and that’s why they spend only seven minutes showing Louis being pulled out of the pool like a dead manatee.

pullinglouieLouis says he’s diving “for the troops” and starts tearing up. Jesus.

Let’s get to the song: Big Louis. Watch him take a dive from up above. Tons of fun, tons of love.

Do you have a feeling the songwriters aren’t really trying? Yeah, I don’t either. I dedicate that song to the troops.

louieOkay let’s wrap this up: The final three divers are Miss Alabama, a snowboarder and Kareem. Miss Alabama wins a point for saying “How am I famous? Good question.”

Miss Alabama and Rudy earn the lowest scores, but Joey Lawrence pretends the audience has a say it in too so it could be anybody’s game. This goes on for 10 minutes and then we learn the audience picked the same losers. They have a dive-off, which is less entertaining than a dance-off and slightly better than a hot-dog eating contest.

Bye Rudy. Joey Lawrence unironically utters “You had an amazing journey.”

Splash Ep. 2

The final five divers are set to compete, but Joey solemnly tells us one diver had to bow out of the competition due to an injury–not from diving, but from falling off a table at the premiere party.

brokenfootHe’s from that horrible Chelsea Handler Show and I don’t feel like looking up his name. His replacement is Brandi Chastain, a soccer player best known for ripping off her shirt after a World Cup victory. Fame.

I learn Drake Bell is the voice of spiderman on Disney XD. Now I just need to find out what Disney XD is and I’m golden. His song: Drake can ring my bell. That is the height of cleverness.

Nicole Eggert took a scary tumble during the dive practice, which Joey Lawrence takes great delight in showing her before her actual dive. He’s a bit of a dick.

Kendra is afraid of heights, and oddly self-aware: “I don’t know why I’m famous. I haven’t done anything.” She starts crying even before getting to the platform.

cryingalreadyWe see some tension between Kendra and Greg Louganis at practice. She drops an f-bomb when Greg questions her fears. “It’s my journey, not yours,” she sniffles. I take back what I said about her self-awareness.

What is it with these shows being related to “journeys.” Let’s get some perspective. You are being paid money to dive into a pool. You are not Odysseus taking 10 years to travel home.

Brandi and a football player get the lowest scores. Again with the nonsense about the audience’s influence and the made-up tension. Dive-off ensues. “It’s like a shoot-out at the OK corral,” says Australian Simon. I’ll believe that when someone dies.

Bye football player. I’m sad I never learned your name or your song.

Splash Ep. 3

Team diving, which means personalized team songs. Here is Brandi and Nicole’s: Yeah! We’re Team Moms! Yeah! We’re Team Moms! That must have taken weeks.

Kareem and Louis are paired up as the 10 team because they resemble the number 10.

perfect10

Kendra is teamed up with snowboarder. He ruptures his ear drum on a practice dive. She expresses a desire to poop. Before their dive, Kendra bows out.

kendrawalksawaySince Kendra refuses to dive, she is eliminated from the competition. She says she will be haunted by this decision, but not by the decision to appear on the show in the first place.

Splash Ep. 4

Fuck.

Alrighty. This was promised to be “mind-blowing” by Joey Lawrence, and now I feel I can trust no one ever again. Tonight the competitors must do a somersault in their dive. There will be no dive-off, and the audience no longer has a say like it ever did before.

Greg Louganis makes Miss Alabama do the same somersault that resulted in his head injury.

gregheadinjuryShe receives a low score.

Drake lies that the competition is becoming intense. He wants to be a frontrunner. Sometimes people’s dreams make me sad.

He looks peevish when Australian Simon tells him “The minute you took off, I could tell you were in more trouble than the early settlers.” Zing.

Lou has never done a somersault dive before. He’s scared, and the producers treat him with dignity as they show him struggling to sit down on the diving board so he can roll into the water.

louieflipIt’s down to Miss Alabama or Louis. They paw at each other while they await Louis’s scores.

louieandkatherineLouis loses. “This is something that’s changed my life,” Louis overdramatics. “This is not my last dive. This is my first step into a brand-new life.”

Joey Lawrence tries to pretend that next week’s episode is “death-defying.”

I will only recrap it if you demand it. Otherwise this journey ends.

I Think ABC Hates Us

ABC premiered its new sitcom Work It last night. Work It is about two men who dress up as women and pee at urinals. I learned this from an ad in People magazine, which showed two men dressed as women peeing at urinals. Hilarity ensued…..somewhere else..very, very far away from this show.

I felt I gleaned enough from the promotional ad and my childhood watching Bosom Buddies to write a review 38 minutes before the show premiered. I added changes in red after I viewed the show, dry heaved in the carport and rubbed a cheese grater on my face to feel something other than blackness.

Opening theme song….RuPaul song, maybe Cover Girl? The two male leads gyrate on one another while struggling to pull up panty house. Hilarity ensues…..somewhere else….very, very far away from this show. Actually my opening was better. Dude 1 or Lee comes home with his pockets full of sugar, soy sauce and ketchup he stole from his latest job interview. His wife expositions how it’s been a year of unemployment, his insurance is almost out and it’s time to get a physical and “don’t compare a prostate exam to the pinball rape scene in The Accused.” I did not make up that line, someone was paid $250,000 to do so. God Bless America.

First scene – Dude 1 remarks to Dude 2 how easy women have it. “They just have to spread their legs and bingo job promotion! Even when on the rag.” The female (of course) boss overhears and fires them both on the spot. The audience saws “awwwwww!” and commits mass suicide. Another studio audience is brought in. This time, they are searched for any weapons or objects that can be turned into weapons as a precaution. Spot on. Lee, his friend Pedro and “comic relief” Toad man sit at bar. Toad man says “It’s a Man-cession. Women are taking over the work force. . . They’ll keep a few of us around as sex slaves…but not the good kind of sex…the sex with kissing and cuddling.” The person who wrote that makes more money than all of us. 

Second scene – Dude 2 is sleeping on the couch, covered in want ads. He farts. Very close…Lee is at the doctor’s being raped on a pinball machine. He violates HIPAA as he listens into a dumb blonde’s conversation about how much work she has a drug rep. “In fact, we’re hiring,” she tee-hees. Oh, but not men because men are discriminated against in this society and also because “doctors like to nail them less. Tee-hee.” Lee also finds he has to pay $900 for his pinball rape. Where am I going to get that money, he thinks followed by Waw-wawhhhhh.

Third scene – Dude 1 is at a job interview. The potential employer says “Jeez, your resume is perfect, but I’ve got to fill a quota. You know how it is?” A whoa-is-me sound whistle plays. Lee rummages through his wife’s jewelry box and finds earrings. He plans to sell them until he catches sight of his head in a mirror just above the neckline of a horrible dress that is no way his wife’s because it’s size man-with-linebacker-shoulders. He places the earrings to his ears and quick cut to Lee in a different man-sized woman’s suit and wig. He is waiting for a job interview. Tampon joke. Mine comes later, darn it. Should have used it sooner.

Fourth scene – Dude 1 meets Dude 2 at Hooters. Dude 1 says “Man, I can’t find a job because, man, I’m a man, man!!” He pounds his fist on the table overturning a bowl of hot wings. Dude 2 farts loudly and asks “Are you going to eat that?” pointing at the chicken wing that landed in Dude 1’s crotch.  A lightbulb appears above Dude 1’s head: “Hey, I’ve got an idea!” I rub the cheese grater against my eyeballs and scream into a pillow. Meanwhile, Lee is being interviewed by a beautiful woman boss. He impresses her with his ability to name drugs and their side effects, e.g. [Work It]  causes anal fissures. “Wowza!” says woman boss. “Most of the girls think clinical trials are something Lindsay Lohan goes to!” And I run out into traffic thereby missing the rest, but here’s what should have happened:

Cuts to fifth scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 are in Dude 1’s bedroom trying on bras. Dude 2 says “Sometimes I have that not-so-fresh feeling” and snaps Dude 1’s bra straps.

Sixth scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 are in a waiting area dressed as women although they look so unlike women that they make Adam Sandler’s drag in Jack and Jill feel like The Crying Game. The employer walks by and eyes Dude 2’s chest. “She’s hired!” he yells as he does a cartwheel and mimes jacking off. “Not without my friend,” Dude 2 says breathlessly sticking his chest in employer’s face. “We’re a team.” The studio audience says “Ooohhhhhh!” and strangles one another. Another studio audience is brought in. This time, they’re handcuffed.

Seventh scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 are gainfully employed as stockbrokers or pharmaceutical sale reps (I was right!! I’m a genius even though I have ovaries!!) or car mechanics or pimps or congressmen or some other professions where women are 1 percent of the work force. They go to the bathroom. Dude 2 almost enters the men’s room, but Dude 1 pulls him by his bra strap into the women’s room. While in there, another woman is hemorrhaging in the stall. She begs Dude 2 to help her insert a tampon (should have been earlier). A making-whoopie whistle sounds while Dude 1 vigorously shakes Dude 2’s hand. “I am woman. Hear me roar,” Dude 1 yells, thumping his chest so vigorously that he pops out a falsie.

Eighth scene – Employer appears at Dude 2’s desk with flowers and candies. “I think you’ll find the best gift here,” the employer says gesturing to his crotch. “This will really make your hedge fund/sales/carburetor/whore/legislative bill run smoothly.” “I’m a lady,” Dude 2 says. “And I don’t stand for that kind of talk.” The studio audience members try to applaud, but their hands are still handcuffed so they pound their heads onto the back of the seats until they knock themselves unconscious. A new studio audience is brought in, handcuffed and helmets placed on their heads.

Ninth scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 in dude clothes drink beer at a dive bar. “I think that went well, but next time I won’t use that entire bottle of Massengill,” Dude 2 says and farts a hole in the bar stool. “Lucky you,” says Dude 1. “But I’m in love with that woman who almost bled to death in the bathroom and I nearly gave a bj to the boss.” The studio audience tries desperately to kill its collective self, but with no luck instead enters a catatonic state, which is the exact state I entered at the conclusion of the show.

Other highlights:

  •  Lee mimes waxing his genitals