Usually when a blogger disappears for an extended period of time, the blogger’s return post is all about “Hey sorry, I haven’t posted in a while, but I had been trapped under a heavy piano.”
So let’s just assume that’s where I’ve been and get to it.
I’ve always said I wanted to write a novel.
I usually say this after binge-watching TV. Then I continue my streak of writing nothing and go to sleep because tomorrow, obviously tomorrow will be the day I start writing. No more procrastination on “Magic Tomorrow Day!”
Magic tomorrow day arrives and passes uneventfully. I learn that Lifetime is making a behind-the-scenes Saved by the Bell movie so it’s not a complete loss. I’m so excited. I’m so excited. I’m so. . . scared.
Did I write anything?
No, but *insert famous Scarlett O’Hara quote*
I will definitely start writing once I lose 10 pounds. Once I remove that extra fat in my head, it will clear up the brain juice, rev up the electrons of smart and words will magically appear in sentences that sound more good.
I failed biology.
There is the laundry. Always the laundry. Where does it all come from? Seriously, I own two pairs of jeans and yet my machine looks like a denim emporium. Could this be the subject of my soon-to-be written novel? The protagonist is a plucky vampire-fighter who falls in love with a zombie preacher, but can’t commit because of the laundry and BRAIINNNNNSSSSS.
Shit, that sucks.
There’s people that write and stuff. I’ve seen it. I’ve even reviewed it. Not to blow my own crumpled party horn, but I review children’s books for a librarararaarain publication. I just reviewed one. It was nearly 300 pages about a sock monkey.
That is not hyperbole.
There were a bunch of sock monkeys actually. They couldn’t really do anything, just had thinking thoughts and that’s the story for nearly 300 pages.
My review was only two words: “shit sandwich.”
But, hey, it’s being published. At least this person committed to writing something–albeit something incomprehensible–and completed the task.
I will write, by gum and never use the words “by gum” again. I swear, by gum.
I keep getting tripped up, that’s the problem. I went away on a “vacation”. A vacation is time to rejuvenate the mind and body, but a “vacation” is when one wishes to be killed by a Chuck E Cheese automaton because how much fucking longer are we going to spend in this skeeball prison? My “vacation” was with my parents and preschool-age son. On my “vacation”, my son told me to “go away” an average of 54 times a nanosecond so if you do the math it’s: x + go away/chuck e cheese – sanity + endless strip mall = no novel.
Today was the day I was going to start writing. It is July 1st and mercury is in the seventh house of cards or game of thrones, however astronony works. I stared at the computer screen for 15 minutes then watched The Leftovers on HBO on Demand. *spoiler alert: way too much dog-shooting.
I had just about given up when I saw this picture on a friend’s Facebook wall:
I take solace in that sign. Procrastination is temporary. So is writer’s block. So is being trapped under a heavy piano.
While I may not write the greatest sock monkey/zombie erotica tale every told today, I may tomorrow.
Or Thursday. Definitely Thursday.
Speaker7 
Right there with ya’.
Lucky for us, it’s temporary.
You can do it. I did it and I never get anything done. And I watch a lot of TV and play internet games. And I still managed to write a book. So you can too. The worst part is the author photo on the back cover.
If I ever do write a novel (which is happening on Magic Tomorrow Day, by gum!), I will use either the This is Temporary picture or the one I took riding in Chuck E Cheese’s car.
Welcome back. I see your wit is as sharp as ever. I appreciate your candor and take comfort in my having watched so many episodes of Forensic Files that I now suspect my wife is putting arsenic in my protein shakes. Gotta go watch Slovenia take on a scrappy Bhutan squad in international soccer. I’ll be back in 4 hours or so.
Priorities are important. This is why I watched the entire second season of Orange is the New Black in one sitting.
Does it have to be a novel? Are you getting hung up on the format?
My main issue is that I don’t do any writing at all and would much prefer to consume my weight in potato chips.
I really don’t see a problem in that
I think I’d like to skip the writing completely and jump straight to collecting royalties and spearing on talk shows.
I would like to have this happen as well only without the talk show appearances. That’s more in Hugo’s wheelhouse.
That’s a fantabulous plan! In fact, that’s my plan, too! In fact, I’ve been skipping writing completely for more than six months, now (with the occasional slip-up of working on my novel), and … and … and nobody has called to book me for speaking engagements or talk shows yet. Dammit. I need to rethink my plan.
Wow! What a coincidence! Same goes for me. I’d better check my answering machine to make sure it works!
Have your machine call my machine. We’ll see if either of them work.
Come on! Camp NaNo starts today! http://campnanowrimo.org/
There are tweet prompts on Twitter if you follow @NaNoWriMo, and you can set your own goal. I’m doing it! Come with me!
I most certainly will check this out…right after I rewatch 30 Rock seasons 1-7 again.
And don’t forget Psych seasons 1-8, and Chuck seasons 1-5. Them’s good writing grist. Or not-writing grist. Them’s good grist for something, at least.
Thank god I’m not the only one who procrastinates with writing. Which is so bad because for a writer you sorta have to write everyday but you know there’s netflix and an iPad that just sits next to me telling me, “Watch me!” Other days I even forget I have to write and blog. But you’re right, distractions are only temporary.
Your screens talk to you to? Thank god! I thought I was the only one.
You may be suffering from writer’s block, but look how many people you’ve now taught to spell “librarararaarain”!
I’m all about the knowledgdgje.
Shut the fuck up! A behind the scenes Saved By the Bell??
and please don’t shut the fuck up ever, keep on writing, by gum! I’m still laughing at the line “I failed Biology”
I know…can you believe a behind the Saved by the Bell. Screech has to be a total perv.
You have mastered the art of stringing coherent sentences together, you have a distinctive voice, you like to quaff and you’re a monumental procrastinator. Obviously, you’re a writer.
So. . . I don’t have to actually write anything? That is amazing. And a relief.
Blogging counts as writing, doesn’t it? Or does it only count as vomiting words to the world for public consumption? In either case, it counts as words out, which is good for the practice thing, right?
Right?
It might be more word-vomit practice than writing practice.
You get a ‘like’ because you said ‘shit sandwich’.
Thank you. I knew quoting This is Spinal Tap would come in handy some day.
That big screen TV in the living room is the devil and NetFlix is the devil’s spawn. Your only hope of getting anything done is not to turn it on. It’s become a HUGE issue in our house. I’m hoping the damn thing will break down. I just hope I can afford to fix it before football season starts.
I’ve been writing a book now for going on 35 years I think. You can check out the only three chapters I have completed on my blog. So don’t go on beating yourself up.
And, just so you know, writing a book is easy. Writing a good book, not so much. Kind of like quitting smoking. I’ve quit a hundred times.
So that’s an average of a chapter every 12 years. I think I might be able to do that. Or not. Probably not.
I know the feeling. If I could just lose the family, job, outside life, etc and live in a bubble with a laptop I . . . would nap. So still my unfinished “Opuses” sit untouched.
I would nap too. Is there a way to be a professional sleeper?
After crapping out 50 Shades, sock monkeys must be cake.
Mmm, cake.
I like cake.
I might have actually liked Fifty Shades if Ana and Christian were sock monkeys. Their idiocy would make way more sense.
Oh my gahd I love you so much it hurts. I’ve been trapped under a piano for two months also. But mainly because the girl who works with me had the audacity to get pregnant and go home for three months to feed it and stuff. Thankfully she’s back. And she was punished with twins, so I think she learned her lesson and now I can get back to blogging. Please write a novel. I will pay full-price for it and tell all my friends. XO
How rude of that person to get all pregnant and then take care of the offspring and stuff. Unfortunately I have no such excuse unless “epic laziness” is a legitimate excuse.
You bring joy to my person.
It may be temporary.
Please write sock monkey erotica.
Immediately.
I will be your manager and we will make at LEAST as much money as we make blogging. Plus, no toasters will be harmed.
I think the key to sock monkey erotica is a plethora of toasters.
You wrote this on July 1 and today is July 16. I think I have taken procrastination to a whole new level. As you say it is all, “temporary” and hopefully I can get back on track as well. You have inspired me! OK, well let’s just say you made me feel a little less yucky about how far behind I am.
Welcome back, I expect to be there soon.