So it begins again, dear reader. On May 27th, ABC will roll out its stained red carpet and gas up its dirty limo for another installment of The Bachelorette or what I like to call The Loss of Hope.
This season’s “star” is Desiree, a woman tossed aside by Bland The Blandest Bachelor because her brother called Bland “a player.” The correct verbiage is “douchetool.”
I watched a promotion on ABC’s “news” website because all news is entertainment at this point. Another ABC product churned out by Sylvester McMonkey McBean’s Star-Off Machine (re: American Idle) autotunes in the background while we glimpse Desiree’s “journey.” It’s as inspiring as a turd’s journey from bowel to sewage treatment plant. As to be expected, there is this:
I already know what will happen. Men will call each other “bro.” Desiree will profess “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do” while she sends home a man as remarkable as a used tissue. And Chris Harrison will earn substantially more money than cancer researchers for saying things like: “There is one rose left.”
This got me thinking about my own “journey.” In the past, I have watched the rectal sausage produced by the ABC meatprocessing plant, and produced recraps that some find enjoyable and some find lead to acute gastroenteritis. Am I ready to start all over again and accept a mildewed rose?
I guess it comes down to my vision for this blog. It began as a mechanism to force me to write. I would continually say how much I wanted to be a writer, and then plop myself down in front of the TV for hours.
Unlike my other blog, The Official How To Blog, this blog seems rather rudderless. Do I want it to be a recrapping blog? A commentary on current events? A marketing platform for the Shakeweight™?
These are the questions that keep me up at night–or at least until 8:30 p.m. when I crash because I have the constitution of a newborn.
So I leave the question to you, dear reader. I will put forth the effort, but only if you desire it, and I won’t feel hurt if you have reached your limit.
Do you want to read the alcohol-infused ramblings of brainless meat sacks on their “journey” to find “love” and guest appearances at wet T-shirt contests? Have you grown tired of my recycled jokes where I describe the multitude of objects I will use to bash in my skull? Or is it time we moved on. . . maybe to more serious topics like Tanning Mom’s music video?
Before you decide à la poll, I present you with this:
Speaker7 
While I feel the shakeweight needs a proper platform, I actually LOVE your hilarious recaps of these ridonkulous shows! If that puts you in an awkward position of actually having to watch them more than you had hoped, I apologize. 😉
If only they would make a Bachelor with Shakeweights as the contestants.
Or give out Shakeweights instead of roses. We just re-wrote television history. Boom.
Cancer is still killing people, so really how can cancer researchers complain that tv heroes make more money?
So true. I didn’t even think of that.
C’mon now, Speaker. C’mon. I think you took a Slap Chop to the head, because your recraps are one of the only things left still giving me faith in humanity.
On a more serious note, I do see your blog as a sarcastic, hilarious review of various pop culture / media goings-on. And the cartoon-bubble pictures? Never, ever stop with that, or I’ll chop off my lower half and resign myself to Hugo’s basement.
Aw…that was very nice to hear although Hugo is opting for the surgical removal of your lower half, but let’s just ignore him. I was just wondering if people were sick of me beating a dead rose wtih a dead horse full of dumb people.
While I enjoy reading your recraps I worry that overexposure to pseudo reality could have longterm repercussions to your sanity and might dull your enjoyment of actual reality. I would love to read your take on current events. Of course, if you continue to write your splendid recraps, I will continue to read them.
I’m surmising you voted for Shakeweights then.
Your recraps do seem to have a life of their own. I am always grateful that I don’t actually have to sit through any of the shows/books that you recrap because of what you do. I do enjoy your writing and have been reading the “How to” blog. If something has to give I would have to vote off the recraps. (Please don’t kick me out).
I would never kick you out. . . unless it would make for good reality TV. Wait–is this a reality TV show? Maybe I should stop recrapping. I seem to have lost my mind.
You made me laugh so keep it up!
(That’s what she said…)
But it’s so, so hard.
(That’s what she said)
Do you watch in real-time? The idea of tweeting during the shows might be an option then, but that isn’t the same of course. I personally would like to see how the proliferation of dumb jocks does compared to dumb models in terms of TV entertainment.
Sorry to generalize or offend any jocks or models reading this comment.
It will likely be a parade of arm muscles that get more use than brain muscles.
Can’t be easy keeping up with two blogs…I have enough trouble with just the one.
But…those recraps make life so much better. Truly.
I might need to write a how-to post on How to Make Life Awesome without Bachelor Recraps. I’m thinking Shakeweights might win the vote.
There are many reasons to continue on with the recraps — hilarity, training yourself to be able to withstand anything (waterboarding will feel like nothing after another season of the Bachelorette), and giving yourself a legitimate reason to watch this delicious filth are high up on the list.
To this, I add a personal plea — I work with one of this season’s contestants and I NEED TO HEAR WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT HIM. I have already had to endure long conversations about his “journey” and how “amazing” and “special” it was. I am barely hanging on by a thread. Without your humor, I might totally snap and stab him in the eye with a rose. So, recrap for me. It’s most likely the only thing that will keep me out of jail.
Holy cripes. That is a pretty good incentive. I would love to know who it is. Is it the one with the pecs? Or in the shining armor?
I can’t give the full reveal, because that would crush my secret internet identity and get me in trouble with the day job. But, if you give me recraps, I’ll give you enough clues that, with some very light Nancy Drew-ing, you’ll totally be able to figure it out. For starters, it’s neither pecs nor the knight.
I’m going to a premiere watch party at his condo on Monday night and I cannot wait, although it is going to take an amount of self control that I am not sure I possess to keep from pointing and hysterically laughing at him the entire time. If he says “journey” in a non-sarcastic way I may not be able to contain the vomit in my mouth.
Since these shows are all identical, you could just re-post the last Bachelor/Bachelorette series (it doesn’t matter which – just change the pronoun to “it” – and take the summer off. I would suggest that you just pick a different show to re-crap. (Although I think you really missed out by skipping that awesome diving show.) May I propose “Mistresses.” I just can’t wait for this mind-numbing series.
Hm. I’m intrigued by this new series. Does it star former Bachelor contestants?
I have no idea – but here are 25 new summer shows to choose from…. certainly 20 of those might be horrible enough for you!
http://www.complex.com/pop-culture/2013/05/the-25-most-anticipated-tv-shows-of-summer-2013/
C’mon! I thought you were tougher than this! You are the only person capable of such hilarious recraps! How else will I justify watching the crap? It’s my dose of reality after the fact.
I own a Shakeweight. I don’t know why I feel the need to share that.
Maybe I could become tougher if I bought my own Shakeweight.
Speaker7, your recraps have given me so much joy (because I didn’t need to read or watch the thing myself) in the past, and I would hate to see them go, but I would much rather you were able to maintain what little sanity you have left after the inanities you’ve put yourself through for our sakes. In other words, yay if you can continue the recraps, but more yay that you just continue being Speaker7 about whatever you want to. Your own personal idiomsir is priceless, and the Intarwebs would be a much poorer place without you, whether you choose to continue recrapping or go in some different direction entirely. I know I look forward to your posts on either blog with quite a bit of eager anticipation. 🙂 We love you, Speaker7, and would miss you very much were you to leave us.
Besides which, we’d then have to entertain ourselves, and you know how that would likely turn out. Monkeys sleeping with banana trees, horses and carriages marrying – it would be madness!
That was a very freeing comment. I’m still up in the air to recrap or not to recrap.
You’re a braver man than I am for watching.
I don’t think braver is the right word. I think the term you’re looking for is “stupider.”
I LOVE the recraps. You must be feeling like I am. 50 Shades is gone, and there can never be anything as craptastic as that EVER AGAIN oh dear God please say there won’t, and you’re kind of wondering what now because that series took roughly 16 years to finish reading, right? Anyway, love your bachelor recraps and your recraps of the Barbies in the boxes and your recraps of the pad of douchebags, etc. I love it when you write about poop. So I think you’re good. Also – I might be able to pull another top ten out of my, er, brain if you need one for the other blog.
Alice
I will gladly take you up on your offer for another top 10 and it doesn’t even have anything to do with 50 Shades. I know your new thing is Dragon Tales fanfic anyway.
I read you because I like you and you are funny. Personally, the recraps aren’t my favorite, probably because I don’t watch/read the things you are poking fun at. Just my 0.02.
I like your 2 cents. The recraps ain’t my favorite neither.
I’ve been reading your blogs for quite a while (yet usually I’m more of a lurker than a commenter) and honestly, I think the recraps have kind of played out. When I first found your blog you were writing hilarious “critiques” of current events and awarding Turd of the Week. Your accounts of things going on in your life are good too. You’re funny, you write well, and it sounds like writing is your real goal. So my vote is: taper off the recraps and WRITE.
Thanks for the input and the lurking. I’ve been getting a bit tired watching brain dead meat bags blather nonsensical platitudes at one another. If I wanted that I would watch Donald Trump.
Well- I won`t watch the shows- or in other cases read the book- but am happy to quote your recraps like I did.
Do you think I’ll eventually end up on brainyquotes some day?
“The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.” – Buddha
“If I have to hear the word ‘connection’ one more time, I’m going to lop off my head with a Buddha statue” – Speaker7
I love the recraps because you are so damn funny. That being said, do you have to watch reality TV? Could you watch shows that I watch so I can see if they are really as good and or stupid as I think they are? What about the shows I don’t have time for? What the hell ever happened to Desperate Housewives? When will you start doing the real work for me?
So I would be kind of the equivalent of a royal food taster except I would likely not be poisoned…well with exception of brain poisoning.
yeah but don’t you think your brain has already been soiled?
How’s Hugo?
Very true.
Hugo has been rather quiet lately. I think he needs to make a triumphant return to this blog very soon.
Speaker7,
As per our email conversation. I’d like to trademark cop out™ from this day forward.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
I may have stuffed the ballot box. We’ll see when the results are revealed.
Speaker7
I have only been following this blog for a short time (I love the Official How To blog) and I don’t get to see the original episodes you write about (I’m in Australia) but they are hella funny!
There is an Australian version of The Bachelor coming and they are casting now. I’m so tempted to apply. . .
Use these words in your audition tape:
Journey
Connection
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do
She threw me under the bus
I might have herpes
Speaker7, I didn’t realize that you were at fault for my recent gastrointestinal problems. So for the sake of my ailing plumbing, I’m going with Nancy’s suggestion above — do one a year, changing the names to protect the far-from-innocents. Then you will be free to be hilarious in other ways.
I do enjoy the re-craps though. I fear the constant viewing (and having to pay enough attention to remember the names of the bland) may lead you to early onset Alzheimer’s.
I think you might be right about the effects on my brain. Why just the other day I was looking at a . . . um . . . a thingy and I couldn’t, you know, do that thingy where you say what a thingy is and thing?
Whatever you write, I’ll read. I do like it when you stray from the recraps for I watch next to no TV. I don’t think you’re inclined to recrap what I watch: the nightly news, tennis matches and Mad Men (but this flaccid season could use your snark). It’s a big world out there and I think whatever topic you feel like taking on, just write about it. You have a gift for finding what’s funny. I loved your post about assembling the porch chairs on your How To site.
One other thing: my ex used a Shakeweight — and she somehow managed to gain weight. I resisted pointing that out. I also didn’t want to know what it feels like to have a Shakeweight bounced off my head.
Maybe the solution for Mad Man is to turn it into a giant tennis match.
And the players’ diets consists of smoking three packs a day and quaffing quarts of scotch.
I enjoy your recraps, even if (or maybe especially because) I don’t watch these shows. You could also branch out into recraps of non-entertainment stories (formerly known as “news”). By the way, did you hear that the Army is doing a reality show too? Could be a post in it for you…
Finally, I must warn you about TOHTB: what you call a “rudder” is really a cage, and for a while it’s nice and comfortable, but you’ll eventually want to get out of the cage for an occasional post. Just a friendly advice from a long-time blog cage dweller.
I didn’t even think of the restrictiveness of only doing how-tos. Interesting thing to ponder.
Speaker seVen, your bubbles are the fucking funniest on the net.
Adam S – the bubbles will always be even if I don’t do bubbles for the dolts on The Bachelor.
I’m not kidding, they are always the funniest part!
You do what your heart tells you to do. Or your sphincter. Whichever.
I’m definitely more of a “go where your sphincter leads you” kind of gal.
You are the reason I stay up until 9PM. Wow. Does that sound creepy or what?
No. I’m impressed!
I’m starting a drinking game for every time she says, “This decision is so hard because they’re all incredible guys.”
You will likely be in an alcohol-induced coma by 8:30 on the night of the premiere.
I think you have a future as an event planner with ideas like this.
You’re awesome – don’t stop!
How do you gain such remarkable and insightful discernment on these unencumbered, unscripted, completely realistic programs.
To me, you are no longer speaker7.
You are now and always will be: “Speaker007 – Licensed to Recrap.”
P.S. “douchetool” and “rectal sausage” get added to my new list of pet phrases.
Here’s my dilemma. I’m torn between my concern for your sanity and well-being, and wanting to read more of your recraps because they make me laugh out loud ALL THE TIME. I feel so dirty, but I’m leaning towards urging you to continue the recrapping. You could probably recrap non-reality shows and they’d be just as hilarious. But you should also keep the other blog because that’s really funny too. I want it all, I can’t help it, I’m greedy.
I make it a firm rule never to watch any of the Bachelor-esque shows, but only because my brains liquify at a really low boiling point, and it would be messy to have them running out my ears. That being said, you could write commentary on the nutritional statistics for water and it would make me laugh. Carry one howsoever (is that a word?) you wish.
Carry ON. ON. jeesh
funny as hell!! I’ve thought about counting how many times the word “journey” is used on reality shows, but that would be difficult to do. ~sherri