Life Goal Realized!

My life goal was realized today.

This is good especially since I’ve got a big birthday coming up next week, and it would have been hard to hit this age and still have this life goal ahead of me.

What is the age, you ask? None of your fucking business.

I kid, I kid.

I’m going to turn 1,000 years old next week…at least that’s how American society treats women over a certain age. I might as well be a dessicated corpe because I’m turning 40, people. The big Fuck-Oh. Luckily I still have the emotional maturity of a seventh grader and the body of a dolphin.

I didn’t think my goal realization would happen. I struggled. I cried. I ate too many potato chips.

I asked my life coach for help. Or actually I went to Oprah’s website and found this advice from a life coach who makes more money than all of us:

“You cannot feed a beagle all it wants.”

So, so true.

So I took that beagle and I turned it into lemonade, and finally…FINALLY…won a pair of ‘stache glasses from the amazing Jules of the amazing blog Go Jules Go. Jules is still without power from Hurricane Sandy, but still felt it was important enough to get my life goal in the mail.

I wanted to take a picture of myself wearing my life goal to show Jules my appreciation, but my insistence on anonymity resulted in this hot mess:

That’s me with a paper bag over my head. Here’s the thing with a paper bag on your head.  You can’t see. And it’s hot. And you feel stupid. And you can’t operate a camera so well.

I thought maybe I could draw how awesome I looked.

But it just made me look like I had boots for a nose. And I was missing part of my arm.

I sought out a better model. We obviously know what picture is next:

I tucked Jules business card into his crop top so their lips were almost touching. I did this because I know Jules is planning on Hugo being her second husband.

My husband came home from work and upon viewing my lame attempts, took this picture of me. I think the ‘stache glasses really bring out my eyes.

But did you know that like a beagle, you cannot feed a blogger all she wants? It turns out I want more…another life goal, if you will. I can’t just rest on my laurels. I can’t be a shark who stops moving and sinks to the bottom only to be eaten by a raveonous beagle.

So Life Goal II: Electric Boogaloo commences.

Do you know of a shy wallflower blogger of the name Le Clown? Well, he has a brand spanking new page up on his blog called “Press Releases,” which highlights posts written about his Le Magnificence™.

I want to be on Le Clown’s Press Releases Page.

And after that accomplishment, I want to watch TV.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the tenth post. She is questioning the wisdom of this endeavor, but looks really cool doing so because she is wearing ‘stache glasses. 


  1. Speaker7,
    First, congrats on winning these magnificent™ glasses from Jules. I wasn’t aware that she was still with no electricity. Sending her and her good man some very positive vibes from Montreal-which obviously exclude anything with Paul Ryan in it (I guess I’ll have to find a new curse word now that Paul Ryan rules the land of Forgettingness and/or Oblivion where he truly belongs with his weights and training gears)…

    As for you on my Press Releases section, I think it is more of a Le Clown’s dream…
    Le CLown

    1. Le Clown,
      First I’m sure there will be some other political twit who will rise on the scene and will make a fantastic curse word. Second, I am truly honored that you are in support of my Life Goal II: Electric Boogaloo. If I don’t accomplish this before I turn 40, the terrorists will have won.

      1. I accidentally signed up for Le Clown’s Press Releases section after I wrote a post about how much I hate clowns. Of course, Le Clown’s ginormous ego couldn’t help but feel addressed and since yesterday I am also a part of this group. I don’t know, I guess red noses and mustaches is a mix that creeps me out.

        But, nonetheless, I wish you all the strength, luck and superbity (btw: that’s a word now) on the amazing journey that is ahead of you.

        PS. You look great in that picture! How did you style your mustache that way?

  2. That is the best drawing I’ve ever seen–only part of one arm? You are magical! The paper bag really brings out your eyes. Reminds me of the Unknown Comic! Well, I am thrilled one of your life’s goals has been met with those snazzy glasses. Enjoy becoming the big Fuck-Oh next week. 40 ain’t so bad. Hell, after 40, you just don’t give a shit about anything or anyone anymore. It’s so liberating! I look forward to my 50th.

    1. Forty now sounds magical to me. Not giving a shit? Sign me up…although I think I’m well on my way. I seem to have no problem leaving the house with uncombed hair and mismatched clothes because who the hell has the time?

  3. Sweet merciful polyamorous relationships!! THEY CAME! And…and…they’re on HUGO! Speaking of life’s goals realized. And did he wear that shirt just for me? That’s one of my favorites. Oh, Hugo…

    This was definitely a great way to start the day. Even if I am still marooned at my parents’ house.

    1. Hugo wore the ‘stache glasses and spent the entire night watching me sleep. It was completely unnerving, I ain’t gonna lie. He has a bit of Edward Cullen in him. I think the best reaction was when my husband came home and said “What are you doing?” while I was trying to cram glasses onto a crumpled paper bag on my head.

      1. I was going to ask about what your husband said when he came home and found you this way … now I know. Mine would have backed slowly out of the door and then ran like hell. I would have received his change of address notice in the mail.

      2. I’m guessing Goofy was once your kid’s toy, but where did Hugo come from? Please say some crazy person didn’t think he was right for a baby. I think he’s come over to my place and watched me sleep too. I can’t prove it but . . .

  4. I turned 40 last year, so you’re in excellent company. C’mon in. The water’s fine. I keep hearing that 40 is the new 15, which I am pretty sure means that everything is where God originally meant it to be, but it’s illegal to drink. Enjoy!

  5. Life Goal II: Electric Boogaloo. I may or may not have just guffawed. I wanted to be Special K when I grew up. Yes, I did. I do look pretty sweet in a sweatband.

  6. A few things I’ve done since turning forty: sailed in Greece, posed for boudoir photos, written a book… it’s really not so bad!! Happy nearly birthday and congratulations on that fine-looking moustache!

  7. I’m already 44, soon to be 45, so I’m not even a real human anymore. I just have my consciousness saved on a computer with no bodily form. It’s just easier that way. But you rock that paper bag and mustache glasses like nobody’s business.

    As for being on Le Clown’s Press Releases, I think it’s a wonderful aspiration. I’m up there, and let me tell you—since then, life has never been better.

    1. Madame Weebles and I are the same age. Never fear, 40 doesn’t suck that bad. You just start losing your eyesight, if if hasn’t started happening already. and then the bloating and cramps come, and the crazy mood swings and night sweats (or maybe that’s just me, but I don’t think so). Happy birthday anyway, JK, Hope you have a great one!

  8. Hugo definitely should have had a mustache during his Shades of Gray phase. Then I would have totally found him sexy. He could have put the top (only) half of his body anywhere he wanted. His loss.

  9. Hey, I’m already on his press releases, and all I had to do was whine a lot. I also aspirate to get those awesome stache glasses. And to guest blog on Speaker’s or Le clown’s or Madame Weebs’ or Jen’s or any of the other cool blogger’s blogs. And a date with Hugo. He’s just so . . . dreamy and creepy, the perfect combination. Hey, Hugo, this may sound crazy, but here’s my number, so call me Maybe?

    I have less than four years before the big Fuck-0 . . . lots of time for bucket of 40 lists.

  10. i don’t know what these stache and glasses debacle is, but now you’ve made me want them… along with a house and a guest house and a pool. so thank you very much for that. ;0 momma loves! you could write about the lawn furniture and it would be interesting! actually i’d like to see that post… xoxo

    1. Those stache glasses are the latest rave. All the kids are wearing them. It helps me feel young for a few more days. I might end up writing about lawn furniture before this month is up.

      1. Oh yes, by Hollywood standards, I’m turning 29 so if anyone from Hollywood asks, I will say “I’m 29, you know the same age as Sweetmother. We are way younger than Chelsea Handler, the woman who claims to be 37.”

  11. Oh man, I turn 40 in a really, really, really, long time – but I’m sure I know your pain about getting older! ~.^ (Sorry – I just couldn’t resist… don’t hate me! Hugs and kisses?!?)

    Super jels of the mustache glasses. Those are AWESOME! I now know my next life goal. (Not to be a total copycat or anything…)

    1. I am happy that you’ve made ‘stache-glasses ownership a life goal. It is a worthy goal, and being young, you have a lot of time to complete that accomplishment. You will not experience the desperation I felt, cllinging to my last year in the 30s desperately wishing I could wear a fake mustache attached to glasses to make it all better.

  12. You’re 1,000? I didn’t think you were a day over 992. What cream are you using?

    I am jealous you have those ‘stache glasses. What do I need to do to get a pair? Sleep with someone? You know I’m not above it.

    1. I use cool whip. It feels nice and chemical-y.

      Yes the stache glasses are the greatest item I’ve ever owned and I once had a thigh master. Do you know Jules of Go Jules Go? She give these away occasionally.

  13. Congrats on winning & happy birthday soon! I tried writing a new blog post everyday in September. I succeeded, but a lot of them were fairly below average. But it looks as though you’ve got a good handle on things and the ability to keep your posts awesome. Keep it up!

  14. Happy Birthday. How is it possible that you are not on Le Clown’s page? This must be fixed!! BTW you look much better in those glasses than Hugo, and usually nobody looks better than Hugo in anything.

  15. 1. Those glasses are incredible. I am jealous beyond any jealousy I’ve ever previously experienced. 2. You have bendy thumbs. I have bendy thumbs. We are sisters. 3. Fuck NaNoWriMo. It’s a ridiculous concept. Let’s have EaHoDoTiWeThUpMo (Eat Hot Dogs ‘Til We Throw Up Month) instead. Who’s with me?

    1. 1. Start following Go Jules Go. She has stache glasses contests regularly. 2. It is very possible we’re sisters. We seem to have a thing for difficult men who aren’t humans. 3. Your concept seems more doable although I will likely retch after the 3rd hot dog.

  16. I sort of feel like I should jump on that Press Release train too. But how can I follow an act like yours? I may have to set myself on fire, or something. Fuck, that means finding matches. Which means walking on my own legs. I’m tired.
    I’m going to count liking this post and your PR post as basically the same thing as actually writing. My love for Le Clown is boundless.

    1. I checked with the judges (re: Hugo) and he says this works for him. Hugo has a big thing for you, by the way. He is very sincere in a really disturbingly creepy half-man puppet kind of way.

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