Le Clown

The Final Countdown

Today marks the last post in the Anonymous Le Contest of Secular Holidayness.

I promise it will be worth your time to head on over to Le Clown’s blog. I think today’s post may contain dick pics and who doesn’t love dick pics.

For those slightly confused by the above sentences, Le Clown has been displaying anonymous posts all week. Your job is to figure out who wrote them.

Your choices are:

Those who participate have the chance of winning something pretty amazing. I don’t want to give too much away, but I have caught Hugo doing some provocative selfies in the bathroom so basically: dick pics.

Le Clown will reveal the results in a star-studded special on Dec. 24 hosted by Ryan Seacrest and a sock puppet Ryan made to look like Dick Clark. Justin Bieber will unveil his new song titled “Irrelevance” and then be thrown into a pit filled with rabid wolves. It will be truly something.

And just because I want to mention this again: dick pics.

Connect 4

The game is still afoot as Scooby Doo once said to Shaggy.

Head over to Le Clown’s Rodeo Hour to see what the blazes I’m talking about.

Since Monday, Le Clown has displayed an anonymous post and it’s up to you to guess who wrote it. Your choices are:

If you guess right, you will be entered into a drawing to win something fantastic like the chance to do my laundry for a month–but even better!

The Fun Will Never End

That’s not entirely true. The fun will end this Friday, but it feels like it will never end and that’s what’s only important–feelings.

If you haven’t a clue what I’m yammering about, I’m speaking of Le Clown’s Festival of Secular. Since Monday, Le Clown has displayed an anonymous post and it’s up to you to guess who wrote it. Your choices are:

Even if you’re late to the game, you can still visit the Monday and Tuesday posts and make your guess. Any post you think is the best is the one that I wrote.

Have I mentioned the prizes? Oh, I just did. They will be something fantastic like sauna-pants fantastic.

Play today!

Shit’s Gettin Real

Wow…that’s a terrible title, but probably will help you pick my post out of the line up.

That’s right! It’s day 2 in the “Who Wrote This Post” contest over at Le Clown’s Clown Car Round-up

If you’re late to the game, you still have a shot to post a comment and guess who wrote the anonymous posts. You have the following choices:

There’s also a chance the post was written by Donald Trump or some other fictional character.

To give you a heads up, my post will not contain any Hugo reference or my standard stock photo nonsense like so:

There are prizes! My prize is a picture of Hugo twerking on Miley Cyrus’s tongue. If that’s not incentive enough, I don’t know what is.

The Most Dangerous Game

No, not really, but I am participating in this cool “Guess Who Wrote This?” game over at Le Clown’s Clown Emporium.

Every day this week, an anonymous holiday post will run and you have to guess who wrote it. It could be Le Clown, Madame Weebles, Rarasaur, Jen of Sips of Jen and Tonic or me.

Or it could have been miraculized into being by White Baby Jesus. That’s how tricky this guessing game is.

I’m trying so hard not to give it away, but my piece has stuff in it and things too. And it’s running on a day that ends in “day.”

Fuck.

I totally just gave it away.

So please visit all week and boost up Le Clown’s stats (Dammit!!! Now I know why he did this!!!!) whilst mine continue their dive down the toilet.

I believe there are prizes. One is a $35-off coupon for a free lobotomy performed by Hugo. I realize that makes no sense, but I find it best never to question him.

Make me proud, people.

A Peen on Fire

If you have read the latest issue of Us Weekly, you would be aware that I have taken on the duties as the first official A Clown On Fire Wrangler™.

If you haven’t read the latest issue of Us Weekly, then you will be wondering what the fuck that may be.

You are not alone. I’m still trying to figure out my title.

For one of my first official acts, I have landed a coveted interview with a part of his Magnificence™.

Please stop by.

Oh–and there’s also this incentive:

This Blog is Sponsored by the Letter…

We’ll get to that later.

Today is le day of le birth of Le Clown. If it had fallen on a Monday, we would have likely gotten a day off from work.

Something to live for next year, I guess.

The Ringmistress (Le Ringmistress if you are Quebecian) has planned a special birthday surprise for his magnificence™ that I can only assume involves a clown car and monkeys. I am a pawn in this surprise. This post will give Le Birthday Boy™ a letter of le alphabet and a nudged to the next stop on le Scavenger Hunt.

This is why I’ve called in the big guns.

Hugo, are those my tonsils?

That looks like something a serial killer drew.

So what is the super cryptic clue you came up with that will leave Le Clown puzzling for hours?

You’re a regular Sphinx, you know that. So where does he head now?

Fulk if I know too. I am also a Sphinx.

Happy Birthday, dear friend. Although you are older, thankfully you are not wiser.

Job Application #2

I once tried to work at Walmart.

I took a personality test. There were a lot of questions about stealing. The scenarios were very Jean Val Jeanesque. There were a lot of questions about loyalty. The scenarios were very freedomy™. I think there were questions about pooping or I may be confusing the test with the questions asked by priests during premarital counseling sessions.

I did not get the job.

I am now applying for a new job. I’m a bit late to the game, and nearly missed the deadline. This weekend, I became intimate with the toilet and forged a bond that is usually reserved for war buddies.

This special relationship caused me to miss the love blooming between Blank and the 753 women he is dating on The Bachelor. I can only assume someone said they weren’t “here to make friends,” and Blank blandly stated his connectivity prospects with another lifeform or inanimate object. So basically this paragraph is my recrap of episode 3.

Anyhow, I am here to apply for the president of the Bozo the Clown fanclub. I’m sure I have gotten this wrong, but I am too lazy to refer back the original post written by Le Clown. Here I’ve linked it. You can tell me in the comments if I got it right.

I vaguely recall some rules, such as writing a post to show why you deserve it. I probably don’t. I’m uncomfortable with power. I’m socially awkward. I lasted in the Girl Scouts for about a week.

And yet, I seek it because I’m looking to jolt some Jolt Cola back into my own blog and writing. I figured if anyone could create inspiration it would be the magnificent™ Le Clown himself. I heard he once took a turtle turd and turned it into mashed potatoes.

If you did not know (i.e. you are one of the three people on earth who have never heard of Le Clown), every day is fucking magical. I believe this is true. Did you know that you can throw up several times and still feel like shit? That is kind of magical.

Before I virtually met Le Clown, I was a sad little man, seeking to restrict a woman’s right to everything:

The Before Picture

And then something happened. Le Clown commented on a blog post. I believe he wrote:

“Speaker7,

Fuck™.

Le Clown”

And I was sucked into a magical world, one where unicorns make out with white baby jesuses.

Now I’m a happy little man seeking to restrict a woman’s access to everything:

The After Picture. You can too! Only 3 installments of $99.99!! Call today!

I feel at this point, I would even be able to land that job at Walmart.

“Celebrity” Apprentice

I think I need an assistant.

I’m finding it difficult to juggle the demands of writing this sentence with watching Adam Richman scarf down an entire family of four on Man v. Food.

I want to be able to explore the craters my tonsils left in the back of my throat. For instance maybe I can top my marbles-in-the-mouth record of 47.

And I need all my brain storage to come up with the perfect name for Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s baby. So far, I’m stuck on Kool-Aid.

But am I big enough to warrant an assistant?

When I lived in Los Angeles for three seconds, I nearly interned with a fledgling Second City outfit. I was looking for some comedic writing experience and a chance to get out of my routine of crying in my apartment. The random guy only wanted someone to tally up his personal frequent flyer miles. Even though he was the only employee with no future prospects, he still needed an assistant.

Hugo, the half-man puppet, has five assistants solely to shine his bald head.

And Le Clown’s getting one.

I recognize I’m not as one-ab’d or clown-like as his Magnificence™, but I am scheduled to interview Le Clown’s peen so that must count for something.

Still, would anyone be willing to work for me for the lowly salary of nothing and the 100% probability of recaping the latest season of Honey Boo Boo?

Well, holy shitballs, it turned out there was!

I recently received this email:

“Excellent beat ! I would like to apprentice whilst you amend your web site, how can i subscribe for a blog web site? The account aided me a applicable deal. I had been a little bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered brilliant clear idea”

How soon can you start?

Now, granted, I wasn’t planning to amend my “web site” and I don’t really broadcast anything, but I think this person knows what the Speaker7 brand® is all about.

Who is this person?

Why the Lap Dance Factory, of course!

I went to Lap Dance Factory’s “web site” and I really believe my account “aided (it) a applicable deal.”

Lap Dance Factory left an address that specifically directed me to this:

Could this object help the Speaker7 brand®?

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful apprenticeship.

Speaker7 Attempts Some Type of Reader Giveaway Thingy

Some jerk said it is always better to give than receive.

That jerk obviously was never the recipient of a lamp with the Serenity Prayer etched into the glass. I received one of those as a high school graduation present from a boy I dated for two months, and it was not at all awkward.

People do seem to be in the giving mood. Every blog I click on seems to be giving something away to its loyal readership.

The Byronic Man and Jules of Go Jules Go have created a Christmas misery contest where the lucky recipient wins a custom-designed sheet set.

Madame Weebles gave her readers the gift of viewing her face as well as her marvelous middle finger.

Le Clown gave away his magnificent™ facial hair.

I feel I should be giving away something too, but what do I have to offer?

My facial hair is paltry although I do have a single hair that grows out of my neck and possesses the wirey resilience of a pube. Is that something people want?

goat

Okay. I can’t really make anything although I did draw the turd picture for my Turd of the Week™ segment.

Just to be clear, I am a full-grown adult.

I suppose I could glue this image onto a roll of toilet paper for some lucky reader.

childangel

I really have little else. I am getting my tonsils removed in a few days, but Hugo has already staked claim to them for some nefarious purposes.

Hugo…hmmm. People seem to love them some Hugo. I’ve got it!

Okay, I’m pretty famous or I create the illusion of fame by sending myself fan letters. How would you, dear reader, like to appear in this blog space in an interview conducted by me and Hugo?

hugointerview

Fantastic.

All you have to do is give a reason why you think you are worthy of a Hugo interview in the comments.

Hugodna

Hugo, no. Please don’t do that. That is completely unnecessary. Just a simple comment is fine. I will attempt to interview everyone who responds, not in the same blog post because that can get kind of lengthy, but over the course of 2013.

Remember, I used to work as a journalist so I’m pretty good. I once was assigned to cover the local Memorial Day parade and I asked such questions like “So…why did you come to the parade?”

Expect that level of professionalism.

Your interview along with a write up and link to your blog will appear on Speaker7 to the delight of the human and puppet world.

Hugo, anything to add?

hugodomination

Fun!

The deadline to respond is Dec. 17.