I nearly forgot today was my one-year blogging anniversary or as I like to call it blogginganniversary™. Please don’t tell my blog because it will be pissed.
Oh, I guess it knows now. Sorry baby. Look, I’ll take you out to dinner…any Arby’s you want. And here’s a fistful of dandelions I picked out of the sewer grate. Let me stick one in your hair.
All better.
I knew something was off-kilter. I watched a little Today show today, something I haven’t done in months. I learned Kathie Lee pees in the shower, and it made me actually like her a little.
See, I used to always blog about the Today show, and then a lightbulb went off because the bulb blew and I got a replacement bulb, switched it on and *bing* (or whatever sound an idea lightbulb makes) bloganniversary™.
Why have I been so absentminded?
Well, I’ve been reading and recrapping a horrible book and watching and recrapping a horrible reality television show. I have lost 15% of my brain matter according to a survey I took on an Arby’s placemat. I’ll admit I have not been my 100% percent self. More like my 75% self.
I likely need a refresher on percentages.
I had planned to blog today about the latest episode of Bachelor Pad 3 where the contestants actually create an entirely new STD out of chlamydia, herpes and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. But that will have to be for another day. Today is all about you, sweetheart. Or me. Is it us?
Them?
Hello?
When I started this blog, I had high ambition. I planned to change the world. That’s why my first post was on Facebook status updates.
Wait…was that my intention? Oh, right. I was bored. Kind of the same thing.
This past year, I feel like I’ve really grown as a writer. Why just last August, I was recapping episodes of Bachelor Pad 2. And now look at me. . . recapping episodes of Bachelor Pad 3.
Maturity.
I don’t know what’s in store for this coming year. Bachelor Pad 4?
I cannot wait.
Happy Bloganniversary™ Speaker7! I mean me. Or is it us?
Speaker7 
Happy Bloganniversary™ to you! How do you feel about this wonderful milestone in life?
Thank you. I feel one-year older in a blogging-sense and look about 50.
Happy blogginganniversary to you, or um….is it y’all? Both y’all? Both of youse? Hell, I don’t know. It is also World Lizard Day, so this is a very, very auspicious day, indeed.
I think the proper term is youse. I’m going to party with some lizards now.
Yay!!!
I’ll admit, when I saw there was a new post, I was hoping it’d be a recrap of Bachelor Crap, but this was just as entertaining. And apparently, I need a refresher on percentages too. Happy one-year! 😉
The Bachelor Crap will still be forthcoming, don’t worry. I know it’s a big story and I will not let my readers down.
Happy Blogginganniversary! And thanks to Fifty Shades, you can really show your blog a good time. Just stay away from the Mike’s Hard, unless you need to take some paint off of it.
I didn’t even think about all I’ve learned from Fifty Shades. I’m off to buy an assortment of butt plugs. Thanks for the tip!
Maybe verbally abuse it for a while first so it’s not expecting a treat.
I am so relieved you two have kissed and made up. Happy bloganniversary to you both!
I can’t bring myself to watch the Today show for even a few seconds (not a big Matt Lauer fan). Now that I know Kathie Lee pees in the shower, I’ll be sure to never watch it.
I used to wish that on one of those Where in the World is Matt Lauer? segments, they wouldn’t be able to find him, and that was that.
Haha! Please tell me he’s doing another one of those this year. Maybe I’ll get my xmas present early this year! (fingers crossed)
Happy Anniversary to you both. Here’s hoping for many, many more years together. xo Wendy
They say a strong blogrelationship™ is built on the back of a half-man puppet named Hugo.
I don’t know what to say to that. You’ve rendered me speechless. Not an easy feat.
May the two be blissfully happy together for many years to come. I have a good feeling about you crazy kids.
Aw gee thanks! I feel if we can make it through Fifty Shades, we can endure any form of torment.
Happy Blogganiversary! And I immediately jumped to Fifty Shades as the culprit for your unfortunate brain matter situation….
Oh definitely.
Happy Bloganniversary! I’m sending you a present. It’s a butt plug.
I didn’t get a butt plug for my bloganniversary. Well, I guess it was technically just a 100 postiversary. Perhaps that’s why. My brain is running at about 65-75% on any given day as well so….moar coffee.
A butt plug is common for one complete year. For 100 posts, you should have received a small anal suppository.
It must be in the mail. Or maybe in one of those boring emails. Oh well, I’ll just stick a popsicle stick up there or something.
I believe the first Bloganniversary is the cubic zirconium anniversary, according to Hallmark. Congrats on one year!
Ooh! I’m very excited. Does it need to be a ring of sorts? I don’t know how that will fit around the laptop.
Happy bloganniversary! Because I love you, I won’t point out that if you take all the preceding comments into consideration, the only logical conclusion is that the traditional one-year present is a cubic zirconium butt plug.
I teared up when I read this just thinking how beautiful that butt plug would be. It could also be the pine cone butt plug I’m wearing right now.
Happy Bloggiversary! We both started blogging right about the same time. And look how much we have contributed to world civilization and the arts!
It truly is incredible. I think we should get a cake at the very least.
Congrats on the anniversary! As a gift, I’d like to buy you some free therapy sessions with Dr. Flynn. As soon as I can get him down from that harness in his office.
Aw that’s so sweet!! Please flog him a bit first before unstrapping him.
Happy Bloganniversary™. I think you’ll be flattered to know that the cultural audio gem “Viva Las Vegas” was streaming on the radio at work while I read this post.
I think that’s a sign that I need to go to Vegas right now and put my laptop on red.
Or second best, you write in another room while listening to Elvis and Hugo wears half of a spangly cape, high hair and mutton chop sideburns.
Happy bloganniversary, Speaker7! Make sure your blog doesn’t tell my blog about your special dinner at Arby’s. All my blog got was a reheated bowl of Spaghetti O’s.
Don’t worry. I think your blog seems way more understanding than mine.
Happy bloganniversary! Looks like we started at around the same time – you out of boredom and me out of the need to not strangle my coworkers!
Thanks for making me laugh so hard.
You’re welcome. I’m glad your blog has kept homicide at bay.
Happy Anniversary ~ I hate the word “Blog” – it makes me a little uneasy, so it’s just anniversary for you and I don’t have a trademark option in this venue so I hope you’re ok with that.. 🙂
That is perfectly acceptable, but you would make a mint if you trademarked anniversary. Just think how much Hallmark would have to pay you.
Mawhaha
Huzzah! Many happy returns of the day 🙂
Thank you. A day free of Fifty Shades and Bachelor Pad is all I could ask for and more.
happy blogiversary, which i know is wrong, but gets me out of infringing on your copyright. as i read this post, i ate a hardboiled egg and pieces of it fell into my cleavage, which i’m now calling my dairyvage. i simply felt you’d enjoy that detail. i also chomped down on an eggshell because i clearly did not peel the egg enough, which means my tooth is now only 17% there. i also need a percentages and fractions refresher. the tooth is 1/16th there? no? is that, not right? this should show that i’ve read your complete post. also just want to say that i’m thankful you exist. now please, re-crap away. momma
I see another T-shirt in your future: Stop Checking out My Dairyvag.
I am also very thankful you exist too.
recrappingly yours,
S7
Happy Blogginanniversary! I’m so glad you started blogging! You always brighten my day with your posts 🙂
Thanks! I see you dropped the “g” to avoid infringing on my TM. Brilliant!
Happy 1 Year! I hope someone comes up with a clever song to sing for you. You definitely deserve a break from recrapping.
I was thinking of something like:
Happy Bloggin to me
Happy Bloggin to me
Happy Bloggin to me
Butt Plugs and butt plugs*
(sung to the tune of Happy Birthday)
You poor thing. We have to pull the butt plugs on your recrapping. It is the only way to save you.
Happy blogiversary with crap on top. Youse have changed my life…for now my laughter is often paired with an upchuck reflex.
Thank youse. It fills my dark heart with a little bit of light to hear how my posts bring about dry heaving.
Happy blogginganniversary (sp?)! Any opportunity you get to speak to Kathy Lee peeing is a special day in itself.
So very, very true. I feel like I should wish everyone a Happy Kathie Lee Pees in the Shower Day.
Happy Anniversary to you, Speaker, and also to other Speaker who is apparently also you. ‘Speakerception’ I believe the cool kids say. Why not bake a cake within a cake? (Because it’s bloody difficult, that’s why not.)
Ah. I’m always anxious to learn what the cool kids are saying, but not too anxious or else I look uncool.
Anxiousness is my reason d’être. I hope to continue to provide dispatches from the uncool frontline.
Happy Bloganniversary! I’m sure you’ve grown as a writer. I can’t imagine you were up to writing about “pine cone butt plugs” a year ago.
Very true. I feel so free being able to write “pine cone butt plug” while wearing said butt plug. I have come in to my own as a writer.
Not to mention your lofty standing as an authority on butt plugs and such.
Happy bloginaversearia to both of you. Now that I’ve learned everything there is to know about love from Christian “Fiddy Shades” Gray, I’m will now proceed to beat you both with this jewel-encrusted paddle. But, you know, is a sweet and sexy way.
Thank you, Jo. Since you put it that way, I will willingly submit to the jewel-encrusted paddle beating because Christian obvs knows everything about lurve.
I’d like to wish a very Happy Bloganniversary™ to Lori and you, Lori being the speaker7 that I dreamed about last night [who told me that that was her real name]. I’m pretty sure that means you ‘made it,’ my friend. Just don’t ask what ‘it’ is.
I might actually change my name to Lori. If your subconscious (or was it your inner goddess?) is telling you that’s my name, then so it shall be. I put a lot into people’s subconsciouses (Jesus, that doesn’t look right) especially if they are wearing red hulu skirts and dry humping sheep.
I can’t believe I finally made “it.” And on World Lizard Creamsicle Day no less!
Happy one year anniversary, Speakie! May I call you Speakie? Too soon? Maybe by the second anniversary we’ll be at the point of using pet names.
One year, wow. Why, it was nearly a year ago that sweet baby Jesus looked down from the heavens, pointed his finger at your blog post on slutty Halloween costumes and helped my heart find its way to you. I thank God for that slutty Halloween costume post.
As my BBFF, you have the privilege of bestowing nicknames. It says so in the pamphlet that came along with our matching half-heart lockets. I’ve been thinking we might want to get some matching lavalieres like our favorite twins.
I’m so happy my slutty Halloween costume post brought us together. I think that is the point of slutty Halloween costumes.
I’ve been reading your recaps with delight these past few weeks, but I’m going to stop lurking at least long enough to say Happy Bloganniversary! I can’t do that trademark thing, cause I’m on my phone, but you can pretend I did. While I’m here, I’ll just let you know that I love your 50 Shades of Shit recaps – that’s quality literature. Illustrated, too. Thanks for going through with the whole trilogy. What with the bleeding from the eyes, ears and mouth, it must have been hard on you. At least I assume there was the kind of bleeding associated with blunt force trauma to the head, after reading all that crap. And you did it all for us! When it’s all over, I hope you can get that 25% back 🙂
Thank you. I think that 25 percent is permanently gone. It packed its bags the 700th time Christian Grey said “Ana, you beguile me” and Ana thought “Holy crap.”
Holy crap, I’m sure sorry to hear about that permanent brain damage – but blunt force trauma can do that. Actually, it might have been better to have beat yourself over the head with those crappy books than to have read them.
Many happy returns on this glorious day of achievement. I can tell you that even though I’ve only been reading your stuff for a couple of months, you are one of the consistently funniest writers (not sure about the grammatical veracity of that last phrase) that I’ve ever read – and that’s not just in blogging world, that’s in any world – as in book world and newspaper and magazine world. So congratulations, keep it up, and please continue to make us all snort into our coffee / Diet Coke / gin / milk. 🙂
I could say the same about your writing, which consistently makes me giggle like an insane person. The exquisite artwork is the icing on the hilarious cake.
Speaker 7,
I like to come late at these parties. Usually, everyone’s gone already, there’s often left over cake, and it’s easier to have a chat with the birthday girl/boy. So, while I have you all to me, happy blogginganniversary™, Le Speaker 7.
Your #1 fan,
Le Clown
Le Clown,
I’m glad you finally stopped by. Sorry I have a sugar hangover from the tub of frosting I consumed. If you could just talk softly, I would appreciate it.
Your devoted servant,
Le Speaker7
Now I know why the ratings for the Today show has gone down, you stopped blogging about them! 🙂 Happy Day after your anniversary. The world is a better place because of people like you, keep it!
Ann Curry’s going to be mighty pissed at me then. Thanks for the well wishes!
It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. Are you sure? I let my one-year blog anniversary go (sometime in February) with nary a thought. I was, and still am, just pissed that the only post that keeps my blog going is one about who invented the light bulb. Has a serious page one placement on Google searches, number six today. Kids trying to do their homework seem to hit it the most…just say that because of the comments they use trying to argue with me. Anyway, Happy Blogoversary (I don’t think that’s trademarked.). Kathy Lee pees in the shower? How did you find that out?
Congratulations — all the cool kids started in 2011! I am sorry I got to this so late. I’m sure you are done resting on your laurels and are back to normal by now!
You are still one of my favorite blogs, even if I can no longer open it during the day at work …..
At some point I will finish with Fifty Shades of Grey and Bachelor Pad 3 and go back to writing about turds.
I can open those at work. I just pretend it is medical research on the gastrointestinal effects of politics.
Speaker7, you beguile me.