speaker7

The Final Countdown

Today marks the last post in the Anonymous Le Contest of Secular Holidayness.

I promise it will be worth your time to head on over to Le Clown’s blog. I think today’s post may contain dick pics and who doesn’t love dick pics.

weinerroast

For those slightly confused by the above sentences, Le Clown has been displaying anonymous posts all week. Your job is to figure out who wrote them.

Your choices are:

Those who participate have the chance of winning something pretty amazing. I don’t want to give too much away, but I have caught Hugo doing some provocative selfies in the bathroom so basically: dick pics.

Le Clown will reveal the results in a star-studded special on Dec. 24 hosted by Ryan Seacrest and a sock puppet Ryan made to look like Dick Clark. Justin Bieber will unveil his new song titled “Irrelevance” and then be thrown into a pit filled with rabid wolves. It will be truly something.

And just because I want to mention this again: dick pics.

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Connect 4

The game is still afoot as Scooby Doo once said to Shaggy.

Head over to Le Clown’s Rodeo Hour to see what the blazes I’m talking about.

Since Monday, Le Clown has displayed an anonymous post and it’s up to you to guess who wrote it. Your choices are:

If you guess right, you will be entered into a drawing to win something fantastic like the chance to do my laundry for a month–but even better!

Previous posts:

The Fun Will Never End

That’s not entirely true. The fun will end this Friday, but it feels like it will never end and that’s what’s only important–feelings.

If you haven’t a clue what I’m yammering about, I’m speaking of Le Clown’s Festival of Secular. Since Monday, Le Clown has displayed an anonymous post and it’s up to you to guess who wrote it. Your choices are:

Even if you’re late to the game, you can still visit the Monday and Tuesday posts and make your guess. Any post you think is the best is the one that I wrote.

Have I mentioned the prizes? Oh, I just did. They will be something fantastic like sauna-pants fantastic.

Play today!

Well This is Embarrassing. . .

I nearly forgot today was my one-year blogging anniversary or as I like to call it blogginganniversary™. Please don’t tell my blog because it will be pissed.

Oh, I guess it knows now. Sorry baby. Look, I’ll take you out to dinner…any Arby’s you want. And here’s a fistful of dandelions I picked out of the sewer grate. Let me stick one in your hair.

All better.

I knew something was off-kilter. I watched a little Today show today, something I haven’t done in months. I learned Kathie Lee pees in the shower, and it made me actually like her a little.

See, I used to always blog about the Today show, and then a lightbulb went off because the bulb blew and I got a replacement bulb, switched it on and *bing* (or whatever sound an idea lightbulb makes) bloganniversary™.

Why have I been so absentminded?

Well, I’ve been reading and recrapping a horrible book and watching and recrapping a horrible reality television show. I have lost 15% of my brain matter according to a survey I took on an Arby’s placemat. I’ll admit I have not been my 100% percent self. More like my 75% self.

I likely need a refresher on percentages.

I had planned to blog today about the latest episode of Bachelor Pad 3 where the contestants actually create an entirely new STD out of chlamydia, herpes and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. But that will have to be for another day. Today is all about you, sweetheart. Or me. Is it us?

Them?

Hello?

When I started this blog, I had high ambition. I planned to change the world. That’s why my first post was on Facebook status updates.

Wait…was that my intention? Oh, right. I was bored. Kind of the same thing.

This past year, I feel like I’ve really grown as a writer. Why just last August, I was recapping episodes of Bachelor Pad 2. And now look at me. . . recapping episodes of Bachelor Pad 3. 

Maturity.

I don’t know what’s in store for this coming year. Bachelor Pad 4?

I cannot wait.

Happy Bloganniversary™ Speaker7! I mean me. Or is it us?

My Site Stats Suck Seashells

I never got much traction to begin with, but now I’m beginning to believe the tractor is broken down in a fallow field.

My site stats have plummeted dramatically. Why just yesterday I saw a tumbleweed blow through my dashboard. Two days ago when I posted a new post, I only heard crickets. And they say nasty, nasty things.

I am a reasonable person so reasonably this should be no reasonable big deal, but it’s unreasonably making me unreasonable.

But I’m not alone. With things like blogs, social networking and rain dances, we expect immediate gratification. In fact, we get a dopamine rush when we see a little 1 or higher number in our wordpress feed (why is it never higher than 1?). The opposite (that cursed 0 again!) causes anxiety that scientists are not all studied up on so they can’t give it a name like wordpress non-response anxiety syndrome duplex. But it must not be good or else I wouldn’t obsessively check my wordpress account to a point where I don’t remember my son’s name. It’s WordPress, right? Go to bed, WordPress. Mommy has to blog.

I think my site stats are down because I recently changed my blog address, and it’s caused all kind of haywireness in the blogosphere or in my head where all of you exist. But if you exist solely in my head, why don’t you worship me more?

My posts don’t appear in my Reader. They appear for an instant on a radio show in Marion OH and then vanish into the ether. If you’re like me, which you are if I created you in my image, you ignore your emails and then wait to read the blogs you follow in your readers.

I can’t deal with my email. I get so many posts from MarryaSugarDaddy.com that I believe I can find a sugar daddy to take care of me or I will become one and take care of someone who is awful.

The weird thing is when I change my blog address, it created a whole new speaker7 identity. Eric from WordPress told me I had nothing to worry about after I emailed and said “I want to marry a sugar daddy and also my blog does not show up in my reader.”

He said the engineer from Thomas the Tank Engine would get on it immediately. But my doppelgänger still exists. In fact it’s this:

And it’s posting:

Evidence 1

Evidence 2

Evidence 3

The worst part? It show up in my blog reader.

New World Order

The times they are a-changin’ as Kevin Dillon sang on Entourage. As much as we try to cling to the past, we must sometimes set something we love free and then drink ourselves blind until we pass out in a gutter.

That is why I have said goodbye to ramblingsandrumblings.wordpress.com. I chose that blog address when I was a wee lass of 3- back in August, and felt that I had so much rambling rumblings to give to the world. Six seconds after I chose that name and purchased the upgrade to get rid of the wordpress part, I realized I fucking hated that blog name. You don’t ramble or rumble. Who do you think you are? Some banjo player on Prairie Home Companion? I thought angrily to myself, It would be more appropriate to call this the antiramblingsandrumblings.wordpress.com, you stupid jerk. . . awww, I didn’t mean it. Don’t turn away from me, you know I get mean when I drink mimosas.  I removed the sock puppet I use when I talk to myself and decided to live with the stoopid name.

Until today.

Today I was thinking how much I hate how my blog looks and hate how it talks back to me, and then storms out of the house dressed like a hussy. I wanted to make a change–for once in my life. Gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right. (Too soon?)

So I figured out how to change my address, and incidentally figured out how to finally get rid of the wordpress in ramblingsandrumblings.com for a blissful 10 minutes. Best $25 I ever spent!

This blog will now be known as speaker7.wordpress.com. This is nearly as exciting as when Madonna renamed herself BulgingArmMonster or when the WB network changed its name to something I can’t remember.

I’ll take some questions.

From what I can gather no one cares. 

Is that a question?

No.

Oh.

Will having Howard Stern as a host on X-Factor make it watchable?

No.

Which Sex and the City character are you most like?

Howard Stern.

How do I unsubscribe?

Hit the Like button and write “This is the most awesome blog in the universe” and share with 400 friends.

I see you added some drawings to the masthead. 

Yes. Thanks for noticing. Most of these comments have been off the mark.

Well my question is did your toddler son draw them? And if yes, does he have a developmental disability when it comes to drawing? 

I think we’ll stop the questions for now.

Welcome to the future everyone. For your viewing pleasure:

Also contains my dreams, youth and Oscar the Grouch.