So, so much crying on this episode of Bachelor Pad 3. Some of it being done by me, most of it being done by contestants–ah sweet, sweet alcohol, you do bring out the best in people.
This was not my favorite episode, which is saying a lot because I hate all episodes of Bachelor Pad. And my two-year-old is ill with crying-itis so frankly, gentle reader, we’re going to get this over speedily like a quick shampoo to clear up crabs.
The contestants leave the house and arrive at the abandoned set of Nickelodeon’s Double Dare game show. Host Chris Harrison tells them they will participate in a relay called Hot Sludge Funday, which basically means they will scoot around in goop. The female half of the pair goes first and finishes by dousing herself with nuts. The male half finishes by eating a cherry. And Bachelor Pad producers get a C-minus for sexual innuendo. The twist is partners will be paired up randomly.
Ed, the drunk contestant who was thinking of leaving because he almost was voted off, is drunk. He gets stuck on the wall of shit, which could be seen as a metaphor for his life.
Dave’s date is first, and he chooses to take Jamie, Blakely and Erica. I’ll let Jamie set the scene: “We arrive at some red-carpeted place.”
It’s the Bachelor Pad prom. And it’s soooooo…sad.
Jamie never went to her senior prom because senior year was when her mom kind of checked out on the whole parenting thing. Dave wants to give her his immunity rose, but Blakely is all like “Oh hell no.” See Jamie and Blakely do not get along because Jamie made out with Blakely’s partner Chris and oh my god, what the fuck am I writing?
Blakely brings up Dave’s promise to vote how she wished, and makes the sweeping pronouncement that Dave’s time on Bachelor Pad is short-lived. Isn’t everyone’s? What is this show on for another two weeks? I’m sorry what I meant to say was “Oh my god.”
Anyhoo, Dave gives Jamie the rose.
Meanwhile at the house, Reid assures Ed that he will not be on the chopping block again while telling us that Ed will be on the chopping block again. Ed’s like “Reid’s my friend!” And Reid’s like “No I’m not.” Zzzzzzz. I mean, wowzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Rachel’s date is next. She takes Nick(?), Tony (?) and Michael. I swear I thought Nick/Tony was the same person, but apparently not. They arrive at Madame Tussauds wax museum. “I’m just a normal guy and all of a sudden, I’m surrounded by celebrities,” says Nick/Tony. Does he not understand that they are made of wax?
The kicker is the four contestants will be done up like wax figures to trick Bachelor fans. Is the trick that they’re not actually celebrities?
The fans are brought in and asked questions about the wax-like Bachelor contestants behind them. One woman is unsure who Tony even is (that makes two of us) and then remembers he was the pathetic one.
Meanwhile at the pad, Jamie goes on and on about Chris’s love for her, and his desire to dump Blakely as his partner to hook up with Jamie. “To fall in love on this show would be amazing,” she delusions.
She goes to Chris’s bunk and he gives her the whole it’s-not-you-it’s-me-but-actually-it’s-really-you speech.
Elimination day. Reid floats around in a pool and unveils his plan to destroy Ed. He looks very intimidating in his polka-dotted inner tube.
Later that night, he confronts Reid in the pool. Reid feels powerless without his polka-dotted tube holding him up, and is a terrible liar. He starts to sweat immediately and shifts his eyes all around. Ed tells Reid he sucks and knows that Reid is conspiring against him. Reid is all “Ruh-roh.”
In the limo, Reid has a moment of clarity when he says: “I feel like a pretty big loser right now.”
Don’t we all, buddy. Don’t we all.