A Pad of Sludge

So, so much crying on this episode of Bachelor Pad 3. Some of it being done by me, most of it being done by contestants–ah sweet, sweet alcohol, you do bring out the best in people.

This was not my favorite episode, which is saying a lot because I hate all episodes of Bachelor Pad. And my two-year-old is ill with crying-itis so frankly, gentle reader, we’re going to get this over speedily like a quick shampoo to clear up crabs.

The contestants leave the house and arrive at the abandoned set of Nickelodeon’s Double Dare game show. Host Chris Harrison tells them they will participate in a relay called Hot Sludge Funday, which basically means they will scoot around in goop. The female half of the pair goes first and finishes by dousing herself with nuts. The male half finishes by eating a cherry. And Bachelor Pad producers get a C-minus for sexual innuendo. The twist is partners will be paired up randomly.

Ed, the drunk contestant who was thinking of leaving because he almost was voted off, is drunk. He gets stuck on the wall of shit, which could be seen as a metaphor for his life.

Ed and his partner Jamie lose and each have an elimination vote cast against them. Super fan Dave and his partner Rachel win the competition, an immunity rose and a date with three other people.

Dave’s date is first, and he chooses to take Jamie, Blakely and Erica. I’ll let Jamie set the scene: “We arrive at some red-carpeted place.”

It’s the Bachelor Pad prom. And it’s soooooo…sad.

Jamie never went to her senior prom because senior year was when her mom kind of checked out on the whole parenting thing. Dave wants to give her his immunity rose, but Blakely is all like “Oh hell no.” See Jamie and Blakely do not get along because Jamie made out with Blakely’s partner Chris and oh my god, what the fuck am I writing?

Blakely brings up Dave’s promise to vote how she wished, and makes the sweeping pronouncement that Dave’s time on Bachelor Pad is short-lived. Isn’t everyone’s? What is this show on for another two weeks? I’m sorry what I meant to say was “Oh my god.”

Anyhoo, Dave gives Jamie the rose.

Meanwhile at the house, Reid assures Ed that he will not be on the chopping block again while telling us that Ed will be on the chopping block again. Ed’s like “Reid’s my friend!” And Reid’s like “No I’m not.” Zzzzzzz. I mean, wowzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Rachel’s date is next. She takes Nick(?), Tony (?) and Michael. I swear I thought Nick/Tony was the same person, but apparently not. They arrive at Madame Tussauds wax museum. “I’m just a normal guy and all of a sudden, I’m surrounded by celebrities,” says Nick/Tony. Does he not understand that they are made of wax?

The kicker is the four contestants will be done up like wax figures to trick Bachelor fans. Is the trick that they’re not actually celebrities?

The fans are brought in and asked questions about the wax-like Bachelor contestants behind them. One woman is unsure who Tony even is (that makes two of us) and then remembers he was the pathetic one.

Tony thinks it’s “great.”

Rachel gives Michael the immunity rose, and the two feel all kissy-face in Butch Cassidy’s hide out.

Meanwhile at the pad, Jamie goes on and on about Chris’s love for her, and his desire to dump Blakely as his partner to hook up with Jamie. “To fall in love on this show would be amazing,” she delusions.

She goes to Chris’s bunk and he gives her the whole it’s-not-you-it’s-me-but-actually-it’s-really-you speech.

Jamie cries and says she’s awkward at dating and it’s really hard for her to trust people. Here’s some advice: meet someone not on a reality game show.

Elimination day. Reid floats around in a pool and unveils his plan to destroy Ed. He looks very intimidating in his polka-dotted inner tube.

Sarah feels she owes it to Ed to tell him what’s coming down the pike. Ed feels the inner tube of betrayal constrict his waist.

In a talking head, Ed vows to retaliate.

Later that night, he confronts Reid in the pool. Reid feels powerless without his polka-dotted tube holding him up, and is a terrible liar. He starts to sweat immediately and shifts his eyes all around. Ed tells Reid he sucks and knows that Reid is conspiring against him. Reid is all “Ruh-roh.”

Blakely worries she is also going home and turns to the men for assurance. Tony does what he can:

But in the end it is Reid and super fan Donna who are sent packing. Before Reid leaves, Ed’s partner Jacelyn says “I’m shit-faced. . . oh and Reid you’re a dishonest whatchamacallit. I’m drunk, yo.”

In the limo, Reid has a moment of clarity when he says: “I feel like a pretty big loser right now.”

Don’t we all, buddy. Don’t we all.

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24 comments

  1. Is this a real show? When do they get to the orgy competition? Why are angry pees the best way to pee?

    My kids can also look pretty intimidating while floating in the pool on a polka-dotted tube. They’ll have this look on their face that scares me. I assume they’re just concentrating really hard on peeing in the pool.

    I loved your ‘why the fuck am I writing this’ line! I often think that every time I write anything.

    1. This is a real show, and I think the orgy competition might be in two weeks. Next week, they’re cribbing the Newlywed Game so it should be exciting, and by exciting I mean duller than sh*t.
      You know it didn’t even dawn on me that Reid was peeing in the pool. Now his face makes so much more sense.

  2. It’s a fine line between an angry pee and a painful one. In other news, I wish the production crew could have really shown their stuff on the prom decorations, but on the bright side, at least they were able to re-purpose the condoms and make that snazzy arch thingy in the picture.

  3. Reid is all “Ruh-roh”. Scooby probably has a few brain cells on that guy. Oh, hey, good news for reality show watchers. TLC has a new show coming up called “High School Moms”. You’ll never guess what it’s about. I’m so relieved because Teen Mom just wasn’t cutting it for me anymore. My psychic dove candy wrapper told me to “Create a happy place” today. Find a happy place, Speaker.

    1. I believe I will learn so much from this new show. Thanks The Learning Channel. Do we even need a public education system when we have this?

      I think my happy place would be in a room without a TV or a copy of Fifty Shades.

  4. Does the trust issue always have to come into every Bachelor series? Here’s what I don’t trust, I don’t trust reality shows that try to find true love for their contestants by slathering them in two-decade old Double Dare fudge.

  5. I feel like I should watch the show first, then read this…but once I glance at the post, I can’t help it. These recraps are always so great. All these shows just go to show us how many idiots are allowed to roam the earth. Do you feel like you can’t stop watching the show though? 😉

    1. Thank you. I feel like if I stopped watching the show, I would begin to notice things like nature and stuff so I’m just going to keep watching it and let my brain continue on its path of complete destruction.

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