zac bagan

Ghost Fatigue

I love watching Man V. Food on the Travel Channel. I don’t know why I find a man scarfing down an entire cow interesting, but I do. Maybe it reminds me of the time I ate 48 popsicles in one sitting. Never, ever do that.

My love of Man V. Food is how I happened to watch a show called Ghost Adventures, which has neither ghosts nor adventures. A more apt name would be Three Guys Who Have the Worst Personalities Shout Things in Darkened Rooms While Being Filmed With Night Vision Cameras.

I would feel immense pleasure watching Adam Richman devour all three in a douchebag-eating challenge.

The main host Zac Bagan, or DoucheBag-an as he will now be known, is paid to terrorize people who work at tourist attractions so they can afford to put food on their families. He and his crew of amateur wrestlers will stage a lockdown in the La Casa de Estudillo and the Cosmopolitan Hotel, two historic sites that likely need tourism dollars during these tough economic times so they have been forced to open their doors to three men who will basically take a giant dump on the culture and heritage by the things they say and do.

Let’s begin…excuse me, I’ll let DoucheBag-an set the mood:

“Hey, let’s join the party,” he drawls.

The site’s founder, a Mr. Bandini, loved to party, man. A tour director takes DoucheBag-an and the funky bunch through La Casa de Estudillo. He mocks the way she says “cattle” several times, and it makes me wish the evil spirits from the movie Ghost would rise up out of the sewer grates and drag DoucheBag-an away.  But alas, no. She shows him the garden. “That plant has a penis,” says DoucheBag-an, which illustrates the main distinction between the plant and himself.

Lockdown time. They bring imaging cameras and digital recorders. They try to engage the spirits with scintillating conversation:

“Is this where you would sit and talk?”

They decide to split up. DouchBag-an has a thermasound device scanning the room. He explains that it will be able to detect anything with enough substance, which is why it is unable to detect his presence. He sets a digital recorder in an object he describes as “something magical,” which looks like a bowl of pot pourri.

“Is somebody here? Are you trying to talk to me,” he shouts into the darkness.

The entire spirit world yells back: “F*** no.”

DoucheBag-an says it sounds like a female is making a statement about him. The voice on the digital recorder says “I see a douche.”

More digital recordings are made, which sound mainly like “Shhhhhhhhhhhhh,” but are translated by the crack spiritual team into statements like “I want you to pray.”

The lock down at La Casa de Estudillo finished, the crew heads to the Cosmopolitan Hotel. DoucheBag-an explains they will recreate the parties from Bandini’s day. Three dancers stomp around while a guitarist strums.

DoucheBag-an occasionally stops the “action” to see if any spiritual activity can be detected. He bellows “Alto!” but does not use the Spanish word for “Start” which may be confusing to the many spirits who wish to join the worst party in the history of the world.

He claims a camera detected unexplained lights at one point. The unexplained lights look like the rear car lights of tourists who have suddenly realized who else is staying at the hotel.

The trio split up again to the “haunted” rooms. DoucheBag-an heads to a room with furniture carved by a father who lost his daughter. The daughter is said to haunt the furniture. DoucheBag-an needs to determine if it’s an intelligent haunting or, like him, a non-intelligent version.

It is riveting. . . if you believe riveting means the opposite of what it means: