x factor

The Sexiest Blog Alive!

I have been experiencing insomnia, but it will stop because I now know People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive.”

It has placed its honor on a big bag of spit.

No, that can’t be right? Let me put on my reading glasses.

Bradley Cooper.

I wonder what criteria the magazine uses to make its selection? I tried to find the magazine’s masthead, but the overpowering smell of perfume ads knocked me out for 20 minutes so I abandoned my quest.

There’s lots of men out there, like, over a thousand or something so what made Brad Cooper stand out? I read the interview. He has teeth and two eyes. He eats 2,000 calories a day. He’s half-Italian and uses something like Rogaine, because “nothing’s worse than hair that’s not thick enough.” He laughs when people trip and fall. He likes necks, feet, hands and backs.

I looked up “sexy” in the dictionary to make sure it still had the same definition. It still means to be appealing.

Hmm.

I am beyond shocked that my idea of sexy conflicts with People magazine’s idea of sexy. It also thinks Simon Cowell is sexy when he says things like: “I get bored very quickly.”

I feel the same way when watching The X Factor.

Who is to say which sexy is the right sexy or the wrong sexy? (Answer: me)

I think the sound of wet dog food plopping into a metallic bowl is sexy. Nothing is hotter than band-aids . . . or Cheeto-stained fingers for that matter. I also like a good canteen.

My husband and I have an agreement. We have a list of five famous people we can–to use the parlance of Frank Reynolds–bang without there being any repercussions.

This is my list: Vladmir Putin, Dick Cheney, Voldemort, Montgomery Burns and Zac Efron. What can I say? I like my men bald and evil.

So yes there clearly is something horribly wrong with me so my halfhearted response (I clapped only with my left hand and it sounded like a tree falling on a bear shitting in the woods) in seeing Bradley Cooper on the cover is to be expected.

Sure Bradley Cooper has kind of a douchey vibe, but I’m not going to get all riled up and go protest something that is basically a giant marketing scam to get people to buy magazines and go to movies because who would do that? … Oh right, these people:

That is the sexiest protesting alive.

Advertisements

News You Can Lose

It will be hard to sleep tonight. I had been watching back-to-back episodes of Top Chef–Just Desserts while my 18-month-old son stuck metal objects into electrical sockets, but turned the channel when The Rachel Blows pfftttt came on, and so I serendipitously caught the beginning of Access Hollywood Extra In Touch Newspalooza.

Access Hollywood Extra In Touch Newspalooza had a sneak peek into an exclusive interview between Matt Lauer and Brad Pitt. What a scoop! How did an NBC-based entertainment evening news show ever land a video clip from an NBC-based entertainment morning news show? I don’t think we’ll ever know, but my hat is off to you, sir Billy Bush, the future 47th president of the United States.

Brad Pitt is at the center of controversy because he told Parade magazine that his former wife Jennifer Aniston was dullsville. I was most surprised that Parade still existed. Matt Lauer was going to get to the bottom of this controversy while wearing dark sunglasses.

Brad, if we can get to more serious questions...how seriously cool do I look right now? Scale of 1 to 10.

“Wow, man, doesn’t it just suck that you can’t say kind of a dickhead thing without being interviewed by a ton of media just before your new movie is released?” Matt asked.

“I’m handsome,” Brad Pitt replied.

And we will have to wait until tomorrow’s Today show to hear the rest, and as I said in the beginning of this post it will be hard to go to sleep.

Here is what else I learned from Access Hollywood Extra In Touch Newspalooza:

  • Billy Bush wondered who Jennifer Aniston voted for on Dancing with the “Stars” since she attended high school with Chaz Bono, but is best friends with the former Mrs. David Arquette. Or did she do something boring, like not watch the show.
  • X Factor premieres and it is so unlike Simon Cowell’s previous show American Idol according to a magazine writer. There are many, many differences such as zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. “It’s going to be fun,” lies the writer.
  • Madonna’s 14-year-old daughter has her own clothing line. What a surprising accomplishment. She must be very talented.
  • Billy Bush is surprised by the number of Spice babies.
  • Alex Trebek clarifies his naked robbery. It’s still unsettling.
  • Some tarted-up toddler says “I’m a little Southern girl, but no not snooty” and we will spend a day in her life….aw shit, it’s on tomorrow’s Access Hollywood Extra In Touch Newspalooza
  • Mel B., mother of a new Spice baby, will lose the baby weight by “sexercise and exercise.” I will cut her some slack since she just had a baby and that could be why she’s talking like a crazy person.

Good night, and good luck.