what’s your number

10 Top Films of 2011

It’s nearly the end of 2011, which means many magazines, websites, blogs and STD pamphlets will publish the top 10 whatevers of 2011 (heads up: gonorrhea was huge this year). I do not want to be like a child getting left behind due to poor policies like No Child Left Behind so I am also coming up with my top 10 whatevers for 2011. Today’s feature is the top 10 movies of 2011.

Here’s a teensy tiny glitch….I have only seen three movies this year. This may seem like an insurmountable problem, but as Sarah Palin once said “Ignorance only makes you stronger” *wink* so I am as strong as a prairie dog. I have no idea what a prairie dog is, but my gut tells me it is the strongest of the dinosaurs.  And more importantly, you don’t like this list than you pal around with terrorists.

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 – This one was particularly fantastic because I actually left my house and saw this in a movie theater. And I didn’t have to listen to a baby monitor throughout the whole thing. And it was good! If I had actually seen 10 or more movies this year, this likely would have still made the top 10.

2. Bridesmaids – This one I saw at home. There was a baby monitor playing in the background and I really struggled over committing two hours of my evening to this when I could be sleeping or….yeah sleeping is pretty much it. But this makes my top 10 because it was one of three movies I saw this year, and Wilson Phillips sang in it and that made me think back to the time when I was young and thought I had a future.

3. Horrible Bosses – I saw this at home too. The magazines and websites led me to believe that this was a raucous comedy, and I believe many writers confused the word “raucous” with “one-note.” I love Jason Bateman. I love Charlie Day. But I did not love this movie. It is in my top 10 because it is one of three movies I saw this year.

4. Jack and Jill – I did not see this, but can only imagine it is a raucous “comedy.” Adam Sandler plays Jack. Believe it or not, he also plays Jill. How did he do that? He put on a wig and some earrings. Jack and Jill go up a hill to fetch a pail of water and they plummet to their deaths. If this is not what happened, it is what should have happened.

5. What’s Your Number? – I did not see this, but can only imagine it is a raucous, romantic “comedy.” Anna Faris plays a cardboard cutout who learns from a necessary plot point that women who let many men penetrate them will die as used-up prune whores. So she revisits the men she let penetrate her to see if she can marry one of them. Some other guy is in this and he is totally not right for her, but then he is and yet they both die as used-up prune whores.

6. I Don’t Know How She Does it Or Why This Movie Was Made – I did not see this movie, but can only imagine it is a you-go-girl chick lit “masterpiece.” It stars Sarah Jessica Parker as shrieking cartoon character who wants to have her job and children, and eat them too. She does–and it causes her to explode.

7. No Strings or Brain Stems Attached – I did not see this movie, but can only imagine it is a raucous, romantic “comedy.” It stars Ashton Kutcher as a greasy porkchop and Natalie Portman as an easy paycheck. The two characters bump up on each other until the friction causes them to ignite their true feelings but also the accelerant that eventually consumes them in a ball of fire.

8. Something Borrowed or Another Terrible Movie with Kate Hudson – I did not see this movie, but can only imagine it is a raucous, romantic “comedy.” It stars Ginnifer Goodwin as a Cathy cartoon who crushes on Dex, who happens to be engaged to a Cathy cartoon’s best friend, or cat.  She eats ice cream. The cat shrieks, scratches and takes dumps in a penthouse-style litter box. In the final confrontation, all characters are killed by a Transformer-7: Michael-Bay-Must-Be-Stopped trash compactor.

9. Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels – I did not see this movie, but can only imagine it is a searing drama. It stars Thomas, a tank engine, who hears a prophecy from a trio of witches that he will soon be pulling the express line, a job held by his friend Gordon. He alerts his wife, Lady Thomas, who hatches a plan to have Thomas murder Gordon when Gordon stays at their villa on the island of Sodor. When Thomas ascends to the throne of express train, he becomes more and more disturbed by all he has done and is driven mad.

This is my list of 10. I hope they inform your movie-making choices over the next 10 years, 2012-2021.

Next up: Top 10 STDs.

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Speaker7’s Choice

Monday night was difficult, readers. My plan was to watch the 47th episode of Bachelor Pad, but then I learned Most Eligible: Dallas was also airing a new episode on Bravo.

!?!

What do I choose? How do I choose? How can you expect me to choose?

I felt like I was in that movie, you know, the one with Meryl Streep…where she had to make that unbelievable choice? I think it was called She-Devil? Best to do a compare/contrast.

Okay, which show is better? How can you even ask me that? That’s like asking which flavor of Ben & Jerry’s is better or which child is better if I had two children (I don’t, so in this case my one child is the most awesome).

Alright then, which story has the better storyline? Cruel…such a cruel, cruel question…*sigh*….Bachelor Pad is about people living together in a house, consuming vast quantities of alcohol and trying to find a way to win money love. Most Eligible: Dallas is about people living in a city, consuming vast quantities of alcohol and trying to avoid herpes find love.

It also has this:

Let us bow down in wonder of this splendorous horse.

Hmmm…well, which one is on earlier? Bachelor Pad.

Okay, then watch Bachelor Pad.

So I did. I listened to the little voice in my head, the voice that normally just screams and screams, and I watched Most Eligible: Dallas Bachelor Pad. Here is what happened:

A shot of a fountain. “Tonight’s rose ceremony was insane,” voiceovers someone. Who left in the last episode? I insanely don’t remember.

The host shows up and laments how things are just going to get harder; they’ll start voting off “friends” and breaking up alliances. He orders them to partner up because now “you win as a couple, get voted off as a couple.” He orders them to get to know one another and then leaves.

Blake and Erica are the only two without established partners….I wonder what will happen? Tension…waiting….I nibble on a nail…..They become partners. The other partners are Vienna and Kasey, Michelle and Graham, Holly and Michael and Ella and Kirk. Ella says she doesn’t know much about Kirk. That’s okay, neither do I. I think he’s Blake 85 percent of the time.

Competiton: The Nearly-Wed Game. Michael shows that he understands what the word literally means when he says “That’s pretty literal for us.” See he and Holly almost got married. This is a first in reality television history! Kasey is feeling confident: “So close, I can smell it.” He might be mistaking his breath for victory (Victory Breath™). Questions are asked: Who’s better in bed? How many dates does your partner need before making whoopee? Have you no sense of decency? We finally get to: How old was your partner when he lost his virginity? Graham answers: “Seven. I was 7-years-old.” And his partner Michelle gets it right.

…….uhhh…….

Okay, alright, let’s all relax. It’s actually a strategy….an intelligent strategy so I’m having a hard time recovering from this, but Graham and Michelle decided that every numerical answer would be 7, every answer about a non-gender person in the house would be Michael, and every answer about a female would be Holly. This was actually……smart. I’m using smart in a recap of a reality show. History is made twice.

Blake knows he needed that rose since everyone said they hated him in the game, and shows that he doesn’t even have a basic grasp of carpentry when he says: “It’s like watching the final nail drilled into your coffin” when Graham and Michelle are announced as the winners. They high-five in a I-got-to-look-like-I-was-raped-at-7 kind of way.

They get to go on a helicopter date to watch a terrible movie.

Meanwhile, something horrible is happening at the house. I’ll let Ella explain because otherwise I will begin dry-heaving. “There’s definitely some sexual tension between Kasey and Vienna. . . right now it’s simmering. It’s going to pretty interesting when it boils over.” Power Couple™ Vienna and Kasey storm into the kitchen where food is prepared and people may actually eat, and Vienna accuses Kasey of taking off her promise ring because she will not have sex with him. Kasey says “You continually lead me on” and it looks like he’s either miming masturbation or actually doing it, and now I need to take a break to wash my eyeballs out with Clorox.

I’m back…jesus christ, they’re still arguing about this. Why didn’t you tell me? I might have to remove your promise ring…and now I’m going to transcribe (well, to the best of my ability, Kasey is completely incomprehensible most of the time) their conversation so you will have it in your mind for all eternity.

Kasey says: “Shushfsh zizzle. You’re looking crazy right now.” Pot meet kettle

“You just took a ring off my finger because I’m not having sex with you,” says Vienna.

“No because you don’t do shings shiz, you don’t follow through. Shiz shizzzzzzzzz.”

We move into the bedroom. Vienna is lying on the top bunk bed.

“I have nothing to say to you. You make such a big deal over sex,” she says.

“Because you kept telling me that’s what you wanted,” Kasey replies

“I haven’t kept telling you anything,” Vienna says.

“How can you deny it?” asks Kasey.

“Today is the first time I’ve said ANYTHING about that,” says Vienna.

“You said ‘Yes, I want to do it and then you don’t follow through’ and shizzle my nizzle. Don’t keep saying you want to do it then not.”

This interaction has completely ruined sex for you, hasn’t it.

It continues…

“I don’t keep saying anything,” says Vienna

“Yes, you do.”

“No is no. No matter if it’s not this or no that or no this or no that. No is no,” says Vienna.

“Then don’t keep telling me you’re going to,” says Kasey. Oh, now we get subtitles? NOW? After countless incomprehensible conversations, you are going to tell me what Kasey is actually saying??? Well I refuse to transcribe out of principle…shizzle shuz. Suffice to say, the couple ends up in the boom-boom room and Vienna says “Let’s get this over with.” Romance.

Let’s wrap this up because I’m tired and I’m at my highest word count.

Blake and Erica also win a date because they came in second. We witness the worst seduction in the course of history and I’ve seen several Michael Douglas movies so that is saying something. Blake “resists” Erica’s “advances”. Blake and Erica get a pair of roses that they can use to save another couple.

They decide to give them to Kasey and Vienna who conveniently are not humping or talking about humping at the time. They think they will be safe because of Kasey’s powers of persuasion.

Little do they know that most people do not understand Kasey when he speaks so Blake and Erica are voted off. There is some “sadness” on Holly’s part because she digs Blake, but I don’t care so I’m not writing about it.

I flipped to Most Eligible:Dallas and it turned out that I hadn’t missed a single second because it was on right after Bachelor Pad.

After watching five minutes, I discovered I had made the right choice, and went to bed.