we’re doomed

Science is for the Turds

I like to know knowledge and learn learnledge. But I get angry sometimes that my worldview isn’t presented adequately. Like I guess scientists and mathetists can get all smug with their belief that 2+2=4. But why can’t 2+2=19 or 2+2=foot massage? Why can’t it also equal that or = this? Who died and made them the king of whole numbers?

The state of Tennennnennnnnnseeeeseee has the right idea. The governor is posed to sign a law that will allow teachers to present the weaknesses of such “theories” as evolution and global warming, among other topics so teachers can showcase the strengths of other theories like Wonder Twins Power Activate.

The new law is supported by social conservatives and creationists, and both are quick to point out this has nothing do with injecting religion into the science curriculum. It’s just to make things more awesome. Like you’re in biology, and your teacher says “Sure, organisms may have adapted over time to their environment in a process called natural selection or maybe a flying unicorn sprinkled fairy dust onto a potted plant on a turtle’s back and that grew into the Earth and then we grew like flowers and we have magical powers.” Maybe there’s no evidence for the unicorn theory, but you would have to agree the unicorn theory is way more awesome. Like I would watch a movie about that sh*t. The former theory with its evidence and widespread support from the scientific community? Yawnsville.

But why stop there? Wouldn’t it be super awesome if everything was up for debate, and you could just go with what your gut tells you?

Gravity. Sure I guess it could be the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass, OR it could be God pressing down on my head preventing me from rising upwards until the Rapture.

Blue sky. Sure it could be the light being absorbed by gas molecules in the atmosphere OR a giant, who lives in the land of giants in the clouds above, spilled over his bucket of blue paint whilst painting his giant chicken coop.

Heliocentric theory. Sure maybe the Earth revolves around the Sun OR the earth revolves around Speaker7 and all her glorious scientific wisdom. My guts says the Speaker7centric theory sounds correct. Coming soon to schools in 2012-13.

We all owe a big thank you to Republican State Rep. Bill Dunn for broadening our view of the world, and allowing me to teach my son that hurricanes form when Pop Rocks are mixed with soda or because God hates gay marriage or gay retirees (can’t remember which, I’ll consult my seer stone).

I will also teach my son that Bill Dunn could have resulted from the slime crawling out of the ocean OR maybe, just maybe he formed from a giant turdball. My gut tells me to go with the latter theory, and I have the evidence to back it up since he is the Turd of the Week™.

Disclaimer: Turd of the Week™ is nondenominational award although this particular honoree was chosen through Intelligent Design. 

I Take My Burka in an Extra Large.

Do things seem weird?

A little, right?

They do. They do seem weird because they are. I started my Turd of the Week™ segment as a lark, not expecting that elected officials would get so weird about women. But weird about women they have become (almost as weird as the grammar in that sentence).

I am not a fan of either political party. Politicians make me itch like a scorching case of chlamydia. Thankfully I can get some antibiotics from my local Planned Parenthood…oh, that’s right, I can’t. It’s on fire.

See, I say I despise both parties (and I do, believe me), but the Republicans have really been extra Taliban these last few months so this post is mainly about them because frankly, they are awful. Almost as awful as an adult woman wanting to use birth control to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Those goddamn sluts.

I keep having to remind myself that it is 2012. It is, yes? The pill has been around for awhile. Right? It’s good to prevent unwanted pregnancy. (?) Is it? Yes. Yes? Help.

Then what’s with all these weird laws that are trying to be passed under the guise of “religious freedom?” From my limited understanding of our country, the founding fathers were like: “Dudes, religion fucks shit up so let’s make that shit separate from this other stuff, yo.” And John Hancock was like “I’m gonna sign my name all big and shit and people will be like, respeck.” And Alexander Hamilton was like “Whaa?? I can’t run for president? Boo. Oh great, I’ve just been mortally wounded in a duel. That sucks.” And Benjamin Franklin was like “I’m gonna have all kinds of sex, and fly a kite in a thunderstorm and that will be money…so money, I will appear on money.”

Fast-forward to now, and people are wearing tri-corner hats and holding misspelled signs demanding the government get rid of the few safeguards still in place, but also demanding the government take a weird interest in the sex life of women.

Proof:

My mom, who was told she could not become a doctor because of her ovaries (same reason her rightful spot of valedictorian was given to a dude), says it’s about time young women had a taste of the bullshit of the past.  I’m paraphrasing. But her point is that things were really dark for women and for awhile things were better, so much better that young women were like “I would never call myself a feminist because that means I have a mustache. And I don’t. I wax. I’m now going to take my top off for Girls Gone Wild because I can get a trucker hat.” But now things are dark again.

So dark that some elected dude in Wisconsin is like “bitch needs to stay married regardless.” According to this obvious Turd of the Week™ (another early winner, my heart can’t take much more of this), single parenthood–meaning the mommy type–is child abuse so even if your husband is beating you about the face with a bag of doorknobs, please try to “re-find those reasons and get back to why (you) got married in the first place.”

Right.

And the Senate Republicans are trying to block the expansion of the Violence Against Women Act because it would be expanded to include same sex couples and immigrants. Basically if you get the shit kicked out of you, it should be done on your home turf (okay, immigrants?) and by a dude (okay, lesbians?).

My question is this: Can we enact legislation to protect ourselves from these turds other people elected into office?

I don’t know.

But jiminy crickets, ladies, it’s time to set aside the trucker hats and at least not vote more of these loathsome turdpiles into office, right?

Or else the burka ain’t far behind.