Forever Immobilized in Fleece

Some people want to be forever remembered or forever relevant.

I want to be forever lazy, and lucky me, there exists an outfit to help me reach my goal.

It is called Forever Lazy®. I had not known of its existence until this morning when I was watching TV. Before I had been too lazy to even turn the television on..I had to focus all my energy on lifting and lowering the spoon into a trough of ice cream.

This will be you. This will be all of us:

 

After the 20 minutes it took for the message to meander lazily to my brain, I learned that I could encase my entire body in breathable fleece. Wrestling with blankets to find the remote or cover all parts of my body would be a thing of the past, and I could focus my attention on zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry I fell asleep for a second and my face landed on the “z” button.

I learned that the colors are “stylish” like gray and black. I learned that it came in all sizes from large to blue whale. I learned that I could keep my hands free for such activities as raiding the refrigerator of all Crisco and Heinz-balsamic-vinegar-ketchup products, looking up porn on the Internet and eating a Crisco-Heinz-balsamic-vinegar-ketchup sundae while watching downloaded porn.

I feel that this invention is up there with the printing press, lightbulb and Paris Hilton in terms of how it will revolutionize life as we know it. We are now this close (put your thumb and index finger about a tenth of an inch away. You can do this because your Forever Lazy® keeps your hands free. If you are too lazy to hold up your hand, try to get someone else to do it for you like maybe a parakeet or a baby) to being the humans in Wall-E. I tell you the only thing that gets me moving now is when I’m wrestling with a blanket over who wore an outfit better in the latest edition of US Weekly.

Once you move the refrigerator into the living room, there will never be another reason to get up off the couch ever.

Whoa, wait a sec there Speaker7. What about if I have to go number 1 or number 2 or really in my case number 8 because I just ate a case of Funyuns doused in Heinz balsamic vinegar ketchup?

Didn’t you watch the commercial?

Nah, I was too lazy to even read your blog. I’m having my trained baby parakeet type this for me.

Forever Lazy® has zippered hatches located in the front and back waste-voiding regions. Just unzip the hatch, slip an empty Funyun bag under the appropriate orifice and evacuate waste freely into it.

Order now and you can also get fleece footies, a neck pillow and bedsores!

The Pulse of Hair

Today is a day of celebrating discoveries.

I’m not talking about Chris Columbus arriving in Boston on the Mayflower to dump tea on the top of Plymouth Rock and then going on to direct Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire (reference: Palin, S. Going Rogue: An American Life.).

I’m talking about the latest hair craze that is tying the world into knots of frenzied excitement.

What is it? BRAINSSSSSSSS.

Sorry, I’m became a bit of a zombie there for a second, but I am watching the Today show so that is understandable.

What is it? BRAIDSSSSSSSS.

It’s made it’s way from the silver screen to the small screen to everywhere in between like Wendy from Wendy’s, braided rugs, this:

Columbus discovers the braid keeps his hair from entangling in hot tea at the Boston Tea Party Massacre of 1213 in Philadelphia.

I never really thought the braid left, but apparently the braid had mixed itself up with hemp and been in rehab until recently.

But now “the word on the runway is that the braid is back” according to Ann Curry.

Some old man says he’s seen it on the streets, on the red carpet. It even formed a rubber band. “Wow this is really cute,” he says using very appropriate language for an elder gentlemen of means.

Apparently the new braid is “edgy.” It’s not like the subdued braids worn by Pippi Longstocking.

It’s now no longer a question of who’s doing braids, it’s who isn’t, some random interviewee states. Has this really been weighing on people’s minds? Has anyone here reading this blog ever asked anyone in their life “Are you doing braids?” and now suddenly you have to change that question to “Are you not doing braids?” Could this just be summed up by looking at the person’s hair? So many questions. I feel all tangled (do you see what I did there? Yeah I don’t either).

This same random interviewee says the new and improved braid is loose and undone and “very much on the pulse of what’s going on in hair.” Well now at least someone is making sense in this segment.

The old man is back saying he opened up a braid bar in his salon and business is “gang busters.” It may also be really cute.

Braids give women freedom some random person says. They are the Emancipation Proclamation of hairstyles.

Now an US Weekly correspondent will “teach” us something about hair. This will become the norm once the public school system is completely decimated.

We see it on the tennis courts, the runway, celebrities, she lectures. “This is really a twist on the classic braid.”

I’m still not sure I get it….is the new braid different from the old braid? Hmmm I’m not sure the point has been made the 700 times it’s been said in this 5 minute segment.

Unlike neon and skinny jeans, the teacher teaches, the old and fat can get in on this action too. (I’m paraphrasing, but that is essentially what she said and I’ve learned so much). All the women of the world will be woven and intermingled together by the strands of their hair much in the same way plastic and other debris form giant garbage patches in the oceans.

So thank you Chris Columbus for “discovering” the Bahamas that eventually led to Europeans taking over North America and finally to the founding of the Today show and BRAINSSSSSSSS.