turd of the week

Stillborn Turd

What are the differences between cows and women? I’m sorry I should probably rephrase that. Are there any differences between cows and women?

Hmmm.

I honestly don’t know. They both produce milk. They both can be moo-thers (did you see what I did there? No, I don’t either). They both are livestock.

I can see then why Terry England, a Georgia state representative, thought it completely appropriate to talk about livestock delivering stillborn babies in a discussion about a bill requiring women to deliver stillborn babies. Well, the bill prohibits any abortion after 20 weeks even if the fetus or mother are in distress.

Guys, Terry’s been there. He’s been there when his cow delivered a stillborn calf. He’s seen his pigs deliver stillborn piglets. It breaks his heart, but the point is–they can do it. So why can’t the ladies, am I right?

Why can’t the ladies just eat their cud, swish their tails and not worry about the dead fetal tissue inside of them until they lay on the barnyard floor and Terry shows up.

It’s completely the same.

Oh wait—I forgot the amazing incentive. Listen to this, it is seriously awesome. So Terry England was talking to some young feller about “dog or hog hunting” (that’s a thing?), and the feller’s like “Look, I make my living fighting chickens.”

This guy is total “salt of the earth people,” Terry assures.

He says “Terry, I’ve got to tell you something…when they quit killing babies, they can have every chicken I’ve got.”

Excuse me. I need to compose myself.

I’m back.

So can we do that everyone? Can we think of the poor, poor chickens? Aren’t chickens–like women–livestock too? I know they lay eggs, but sometimes those eggs are empty, and then used in Easter egg hunts.

I imagine Terry England has advisers, right? I wonder how that conversation went after Terry delivered that heartbreaking speech.

Adviser: Okay, so tell me again what you said.

England: I said calves and pigs deliver stillborn babies all the time so why not women who are mainly a different type of livestock.

Adviser: Wow. Okay. Um. Okay.

England: I was just speaking from my salt-of-the-earth heart.

Adviser: I understand. Not the best comparison, I might add.

England: Does it really matter? It’s not like they can vote.

Adviser: No..no actually they can. Since 1920, as a matter of fact. So yes, they do vote.

England: Shit. Are you sure? Cuz last I checked, my cows don’t go to the polls.

Adviser: Right, but see, women are humans.

England: No way. Really?

Adviser: Yes.

England: Goddang.Well, look, I was just talking to my buddies. No one’s going to care about that.

Adviser: You were giving a speech before the Georgia Legislature, and it was filmed.

England: I like hog hunting.

Adviser: It’s okay. I think we can spin it…..maybe we can say your microscopic penis made you say these things. It is really small. I mean, it’s almost a vagina, but the good thing is no one would make you actually carry dead fetal tissue because you have no reproductive organs, and that is beyond insane, but my point is, is that you have the smallest dick in the world.

England: Yup.

Adviser: So even if your career in politics is over, you could have a career going to state fairs as the man with smallest penis in the history of penises–so that’s something.

England: I like dog hunting.

What also is something, is that I found my Turd of the Week™ and it’s only Tuesday. Way to go America!

Hall of Famous Turd

I am appalled.

I am appalled that Missouri allows its Hall of Famous Missourians to be denigrated in such manner, but alas it is true.

The Hall of Famous Missourians will soon feature a bronze replica of the medicine ball-sized head of Rush Limbaugh placed precariously on a crate of Oxycontin.

That is not why I am appalled. I am appalled that such a great man will have to share the same space with such sluts as Laura Ingalls Wilder, Sacajawea and George Washington Carver, the man who “invented” the word “slut nut.”

Rush Limbaugh has given so much to the world. He has called members of the National Organization of Women “whores.” He referred to the torture of prisoners at Abu Ghraib as “people having a good time.” He called the poor Missourian children who receive free lunch “wanton little waifs and serfs.” He’s provided the reasoning behind Hillary Clinton’s inability to join the Marines as: “they didn’t have uniforms or boots big enough to fit that butt or those ankles.” In essence, he is a Missouri hero.

What did Laura Ingalls Wilder do? Slut it up with Almanzo Wilder.

Sacajawea? Lent herself out as an escort to Lewis and Clark.

George Washington Carver? Invented the peanut allergy…oh, and was a huge whorebag.

Luckily Missouri House Speaker Steven Tilley has provided the panacea to the scorching case of herpes that is the Hall of Famous Missourians.

Tilley is a political rain man–not only picking Limbaugh, but defending his choice during the firestorm surrounding the latest horrible comments uttered by a drug-addicted colostomy bag.

“I knew some people didn’t like him, but there’s a lot of people in the Hall of Famous Missourians that weren’t the most popular people and that took controversial stances,” said Tilley.

“I’m an excellent driver,” he added.

That’s true. Hall of Famous Missourians alum Dale Carnegie pissed people off all the time with his annoying ability to win friends and influence people. Carnegie said: “Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.”

What a dick.

Some people–let’s call them whores?..yes, whores–are upset by Tilley’s choice to honor an anal cyst (thanks Les!) over other Missourians like Maya Angelou and Langston Hughes. But I think Tilley shows courage. It takes courage to throw one’s political career into the toilet with a huge-crusted turd.

So Steven Tilley, you deserve your own award. You have received the coveted Turd of the Week™. I will get it bronzed posthaste.

.

“It Makes (Me) a (Turd), Right?”

It must be hard to have had four wives, and to be a recovering Oxycontin addict.

Maybe that’s why radio “personality” Rush Limbaugh says horrible, horrible things? All the time. Why just yesterday, he referred to the woman who was banned from speaking at a Congressional hearing on birth control religious freedom as a “slut.”

“What does it say about the college co-ed Sandra Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex, what does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex. What does that make us? We’re the pimps,” Rush huffed into his microphone, his jowls flapping in indignation.

Well she didn’t actually go before a congressional committee because the head of the congressional committee felt she had no place in a discussion about birth control…er…religious freedom. That was the place of a number of religious men.

But Rush has a point. Are we suppose to be these women’s pimps, dawg? Wait–if we’re the pimps, do we get in on the action, baby? Show daddy some sugar, baby. Aw, now you’re making Speaker7 Daddy angry, baby, and you do not want to make Speaker7 Daddy angry. Speaker7 Daddy does not like to mess up his merchandise, but he will, if he have to, right baby?

What is it with these women wanting to slut it up by controlling the number of children they have? I remember when a friend of mine went on the pill in college to deal with her highly irregular periods, I thought: “slutbag.”

Oh, I know..I know. I know why Rush is so upset. When Rush was buying his Oxycontin illegally, he was not being reimbursed by his insurance company. That is so unfair!! When Rush was lying on his couch in an Oxycontin-induced stupor, fiddling with his nonexistent penis, some college slut was regulating her menstrual cycle in a very slut-tastic manner.

In between her bouts of sex, Sandra Fluke has spoken out against Rush Limbaugh saying “No woman deserves to be disrespected in this manner.”

A cowed Rush said today she should buy $1 condom at CVS if she wants to continue to be the whore she is.

Maybe that’s the Oxycontin-craving talking….or maybe it makes Rush a turd, right?

Yeah, a turd. In fact, a Turd of the Week™. Enjoy it, slut!

“My (Turds) Were Emotional, Reactionary, and Inflammatory”

Bob Morris is sorry, you guys.

He is deeply sorry. He is so so sorry that his letter calling the Girl Scouts of America a lair of anal-lovin’, communist-sympathizen’, abortion-havin’ Planned Parenthood lovers made it out of his protective lair of non anal-lovin’, non communist-sympathizen’, non abortion-havin’ Planned Parenthood haters, otherwise known as Republicans.

He is not sorry, however, about what he said. The Girl Scouts are in cahoots with a group that represents the “biggest evil of our time.”

Had Bob known his letter would reach a wider audience, he would have included proof, you guys (Here is the post on his original letter). Instead of just writing, Girl Scouts teach your daughter to perform an abortion on her Barbie, he would have written: “According to sources, Girl Scouts teach your daughter to perform an abortion on her Barbie.” Now was this sentence actually included in Bob’s letter? I provided you with a link, and you may have actually read the letter, and you may now be thinking No, that sentence isn’t there. And I would have to disagree because my sources say yes.

My sources say this sentence was also included in Bob’s non-apology apology letter: “Now when I made love to that sheep, I did what was right, I did not use protection.”

It’s there. I don’t care if you cannot actually see it.

It’s the same way Bob doesn’t care that both Girl Scouts and Planned Parenthood have said “We don’t know what the f— Bob Morris is talking about in his letter, but it in no way reflects reality.” Bob is still like “La la la!! I can’t hear you! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!  Look at this picture of me.”

"Don't I look like someone who has a clear grasp on reality?"

Bob includes a link to the World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts. It shows a picture of 14 girls under the heading “Young People Advocating for Sexual and Reproductive Rights.”  This was taken at some UN Conference on the status of women in the world. This is the smoking gun. But it’s not as good as this picture:

"I'm a 100 percent positive that Dolly is not a Communist."

This picture was taken at an awards ceremony where Bob received the most coveted award one can receive, Turd of the Week™.

This turd was shat from the bottom of an opponent of Planned Parenthood

A Turdendum

I held Darrell Issa’s hand the first time he got his period. He was worried.

“Am I going to die?” he asked through his tears. “I feel like I’m dying. The blood. The pain.”

“You’re not dying, you’re becoming a woman,” I answered.

“What does that mean?” he asked earnestly.

“Well, it means that you are able to have children of your own,” I said, wrapping an afghan around his shoulders and handing him a mug of chamomile tea to help ease the cramps. “Someday, you’ll fall in love, get married and then chair a government oversight committee that will try to deny basic health care to women under the guise that it is infringing on the religious beliefs of others.”

I was just kidding when I told him that so many years ago, but then this week, I realized Darrell took what I said to heart.

The fretful preteen who danced to Like a Virgin in my living room, banged a gavel and said the health care provision of mandating contraceptive coverage for women was akin to kicking God in the nuts (I’m paraphrasing).

“Women should be forced to have as many children until their uteruses or is it uteri? resemble beaten-up change purses made out of cheesecloth. And then they are put to sleep. It’s nature and religion. It’s naturally religious,” Darrell solemnly said.

Although I was appalled, I was happy that Darrell at least brought in male religious leaders who are the leading experts in women’s health to testify before his committee. Those with uteri were told to stay out of it. The experts said things like:

“Women–boo!!”

And:

“Obama–boo!!”

And:

“Jesus–yay!”

When asked about their comments, Jesus stated “I don’t know these guys, man.”

There is so much I don’t understand.

First, why did God kill Onan when Onan spilled his seed on the ground rather than in his brother’s wife (Genesis 38:9)?

Second, why is a woman unclean for seven days after giving birth to a male and unclean for two weeks after giving birth to a female (Leviticus)?

And lastly, why did I jump the gun on handing out my Turd of the Week™?  Please accept this turdendum.

And God said to the turds: "Be fruitful and increase in number."

The Greatest Turd of All

The night Whitney Houston died, I remember clearly thinking:

I wonder what Bill O’Reilly thinks about this?

Lucky for me–and the world–he shared his views on his show and in his column and later again on the Today show and then again on Fox & Friends. Bill harped on how the media exploited Whitney’s troubles when she was alive. He said this on his show and then in his column and later again on the Today show and then again on Fox & Friends.

“The media exploited her,” O’Reilly thundered. On his show, and then in his column and later again on the Today show and then again on Fox & Friends.

Bill O’Reilly has a new book coming out, Killing Kennedy. But before we get to learning about that literary masterpiece, Matt Lauer wants to talk about what Bill O’Reilly said on his show, which Bill then reiterated in his column (If you want to know what Matt and Bill talked about, you can watch O’Reilly rehash it on Fox & Friends)

“You said blah blah blah,” Matt quotes from Bill’s no-spin mouth.

“Yup,” Bill says, lathering a falafel.

“Then you said blah blah blah,” Matt quotes. “And people are all like ‘you dick.'”

“People have not been paying attention to me,” Bill says. “That’s why I yelled on my show. And now you’re interviewing me. And my comments are the subject of 870 news articles. And I’m headed to Fox & Friends next to bleat and moo some more until my vocal chords shred into pieces of confetti. I prayed for Whitney Houston.”

“Okay, but I’m going to get all up in arms over this in way that I never do about news stories that actually matter,” Matt says.

“Bring it Lauer,” Bill says and then sexually harasses an intern.

“You said that Whitney wanted to kill herself and that all people who take hard drugs are the same,” Matt paraphrases for Speaker7 because do you really expect her to listen to Matt over and over again to get the quote 100 percent accurate. “Addiction is a disease. And if you’re suffering from a disease, then you cannot make that choice.”

“Wrong,” O’Reilly says. “There are real diseases like elephantitis of the penis, which I suffer from greatly, ladies. If any ladies want to know how greatly, I will show them in the shower right after I rub them down with a falafel. Free will, Lauer. We, the media, look the other way–when instead we should be as judgmental as possible.”

“Should journalists be in the position of conducting interventions?” Matt asks, and that’s a good question. I’m kind of stunned. Matt Lauer asked a good question.

“They should be in the business of telling the truth,” O’Reilly responds. “Unless they are writing a book like Killing Lincoln. Then it’s okay to insert lots of factual errors, so many so, that the Ford Theater refuses to carry your book.”

Bill insists he was the only person to tell Whitney to knock it off. Why she didn’t listen to him will always haunt him.

“So tell us about your upcoming book,” Matt queries

“It will be horrible, but it will make me a lot of money,” O’Reilly turds. He turds this because he is the Turd of the Week™.

I prayed for this turd on my head.

Ronald Reagan’s name is mentioned in this post.

I’m drunk.

This was unintended. I knew I needed to write a Turd of the Week™ post. The orphans of America need it. The widows of America need it. The widowed orphans of America need it.

But let’s say it: I’m in a bit of a slump. Does that make you feel better, you widowed orphans with your gruel and your tears and your “please, sir, I want some more”? I bet it does. I bet it feels just as good as a second helping of slop slopped into a dented bowl.

So I opened a bottle of wine and poured it down my gullet, hoping the fermented grapes would help me on my turd vision quest.

There is a veritable turd cornucopia happening in D.C. at this moment. The Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, is underway. Ann Coulter has stated that only pretty girls are right-wing. The name Ronald Reagan has been mentioned 5,124,902,321 times. And I have heard too much…hence the drunkative drunkical drunkation drunference of 2012 sponsored by Beringer.

I really should have stuck with sussing out the “emotional” interview a “real” “housewife” had with a “real” “doctor.” I am meaning the collagen-lipped Taylor Armstrong and the celebrity-rehabbed Dr. Drew. But I gave up after one fruitless Google search and a half-hour wasted on Facebook reading people’s Pinterests.

And while they are both turds, they did not meet the stringent requirements of Turd of the Week™.

Rep. Sen. Mitch McConnell spoke at CPAC. This is him:

He said many things I didn’t understand, but then again I do not speak turtle. He ended his speech with the rallying cry: “Don’t pick on Fox News!!”

Not bad.

But then I thought I should watch Newt Gingrich’s speech. It was 30 minutes long. Thirty minutes long. It was thirty minutes long. It was as long as a sitcom rerun without the commercial break. It’s still happening. I began writing this blog post after his 10th mention of Ronald Reagan. I pick up my earbud, and he’s still talking. “The corporate tax rate should be 12 percent. Ronald Reagan,” he bleats.

And I down my second bottle and weep.

President Obama wants to declare war on the Catholic Church, Newt insists. I am thinking this has something to do with the new health care rule that requires insurance coverage for birth control. As someone who has frequent affairs, Newt should be a fan of birth control. But he’s more a fan of pandering to a crowd of people who likely also use birth control otherwise the Duggan family wouldn’t have a reality show, right?

So he’s a giant-headed giant turd.

I’m going to go pass out now. jggjkljadlkdj

The Turd Towers

I am a worrier.

I worry about my job security in the public sector. I worry that I can’t leave the hangnail on my thumb alone and will result in me peeling off all my thumb skin. I worry my exposed thumb will give me restless leg syndrome.

And I worry that my devoted readers will think I put no effort into my Turd of the Week™ segment by naming Donald Trump Turd of the Week™.

Calling Trump a turd is akin to calling a rose a rose or Trump a shameless self-promoting megalomaniacal dickhead.

Nonetheless, readers, nonethemore, his turdishness stood out among all the other floaters in the toilet bowl by his ridiculous announcement of his upcoming announcement of his endorsement of an announcement of announcement. Yes, Donald Trump was going to open his big fat mouth, stretch his overused vocal cords and say something no one in the world should ever care about…..and the media was there to faithfully cover it all.

“I’m here to announce that my hair is made 100 percent out of Trump steaks.”

He tried to be sneaky by making some media outlets think he was going to endorse an overgrown baby for president.

“Don’t worry Newt, ol’ buddy ol’ pal, I’ve got a spot for you on “Celebrity Apprentice XXMMVXC.” It will also feature another baby, the baby from the E*TRADE commercials.

The Today show sent a turnip to Las Vegas to get the scoop. “…” said the turnip because turnips cannot speak. Others said “Trump’s a showman.” So is the guy who makes balloon animals at the county fair.

Trump had toyed with the idea of running for president himself. But then he realized it would be difficult to file bankruptcy for the entire country like he did for his own businesses.

Trump instead endorsed another really rich guy who could care less about the very poor. I’m paraphrasing. Republican presidential frontrunner Mitt Romney actually said “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” The very poor responded “We’re too hungry to even be able to process your statement. Oh and pfffftttttt.”

Donald Trump talked lots and lots. So do his comb-over. He mentioned China and laughter and blop. His hair flopped around with emphasis. And then his hair said: “Blippetedy bleep bleep Mitt Romney” and people applauded wildly because they are paid to do so. And then Trump checked out Mittens’ wife and said “And by the way this is a great couple, will you look at this couple” and people cheered somewhat uncomfortably and then awkwardly looked at their shoes.

And then Trump the showman finished with a twirl: “Mitt is tough. He’s smart. He’s sharp. He’s not going to allow bad things to continue to happen to this country we love. He will eat all the very poor and then crap them out in a productive manner. His wife has a great rack. Gov. Romney go out and get ’em. You can do it.”

Well turded, hairpiece. Well turded.

History is for the Turds

Historians can be so mean, you guys. Like you’re doing your thing, you’re founding your country and setting up your laws to benefit people who look exactly like you, and then some dork loser historian keeps writing about how you owned like 300 or something slaves during that time period, and you’re like, “Hey, that’s mean!! Take that back.” And the dork loser historian is like “Make me, dick.” And you’re like “Well, I can’t jerk because I’m dead.” And the dork loser historian is like “You snooze you lose.” And you’re all like “What does that even mean!?! God, I HATE you!!” And then you cry into your pillow until your ivory teeth fall out and you eventually pass out.

I imagine that is what the ghost of George Washington does every day knowing that some dork loser historian wrote in some even dorkier, loser history book about his slave-owning ways.

Isn’t there something we can do to stop George Washington’s pain, you guys? I mean, it like sucks, right?

I know! Let’s, like, take all references to slaves and slavery out of the history books! Slavery was so blech, you guys. It’s like such a downer. Do you think anyone would even miss it? No way.

Oh wow! I wasn’t the first to broach this kickass idea. The Tennessee Tea Party presented a list of five legislative priorities to the state government, and one demands the removal of any reference to any slave-owning done by any Founding Father including Thomas Jefferson, who was a real founding father, if you know what I mean. You don’t? I mean this.

Tennessee Tea Party Leader Hal Rounds thinks any mention of this is “race-baiting.” Exposing the Founding Fathers’ love of owning people disparages them in ways that hurts their feelings, you guys, and it totally needs to stop.  As Hal says:

“(The kids) are being taught (the Founding Fathers) were hypocrites and slave owners and part of the teachings about slavery was that it was inherently cruel.”

I know, like, I’m sure there were times when slavery was inherently fun! Like, maybe one day the slaves were given some extra bread at dinner. I don’t think every day was filled with terror and degradation, right?  Why do we always focus on the negative? And by the way, “White people were whipped too,” Hal says.

Well said.

Or what I mean to say is, well turded, Hal. Your actions have earned you the coveted Turd of the Week™.

And nice shirt.