today show

Stop the (Word)Presses!!!

Can we do that? Because we need to stop everything right now! Right. Now.

I have a HUGE announcement.

So stop. Stop it. Stop. Stop it. Stop doing that, whatever you happen to be doing. Stop breathing…no wait, you still need to do that. Okay, you can do the things that the body does unconsciously like beating the heart, eliminating waste and downloading porn on the Internet.

Are you ready????? I can barely contain my excitement. This is almost as big as that press conference when Obama announced the American Pie franchise was releasing its 4th movie American [insert title].

The Today show has an exclusive interview with that guy who shot bullets into his daughter’s laptop!?! Exclusive!!!!! Exclusive means this is the only place you will see this guy talk about stuff, and OH MY GOD!!!!! his daughter will be there too. So you can listen to this guy AND his daughter EXCLUSIVELY on the Today show tomorrow morning.

This is nearly as exciting as me nailing an exclusive interview with the guy who threw a Slim Jim wrapper in my front yard (I’m still working on it. Be patient. I will get that exclusive interview if it kills me).

I almost missed the announcement of this exclusive interview. I’ve been watching the Today show since 7 a.m., and the promo has only been shown 4,568 times in the last five minutes.

Matt Lauer is going to be sitting in a chair (!?!). And then the guy is going to be sitting in a chair (?!?), and OH MY GOD his daughter is going to be sitting in a chair for this exclusive interview. Aren’t people normally suspended over shark tanks filled with napalm-flavored Fruit Roll Ups® for interviews? No, the announcer said MATT LAUER WILL BE SITTING DOWN with that guy, and then I saw video footage of it actually happening.  And it looks like they’re eating eggs? Are they? I don’t know!!!! Will someone confirm if they are exclusively eating eggs?? Could it be pancakes? It could be pancakes. Maybe it’s not even breakfast food?

Can we declare tomorrow a national holiday like Guy Who Shot Daughter’s Laptop Will Talk to Matt Lauer And His Daughter Will Be There And This Is the First Time This Has Happened In the History of Laptop-Shooting Dads Day? Then everyone could stay home and watch this exclusive interview. And then we could exchange gifts.

This is what I’m going to give my son:

Gun-Totin' Teddy™. Shoots real bullets!

This is so amazing. And did I mention exclusive? I don’t think I did. Guys–this is an exclusive interview with that guy! You know, that guy? Do you know that guy? He’s that guy. And he made a video where he shot his daughter’s laptop? She posted “Dad blows” or something on Facebook? Remember that? It’s like how people say: “Do you remember where you were the day that guy threw the Slim Jim wrapper?” And you respond: “That was the day America changed forever, and I also ate a scone.”

This is just like that!! Except way more exclusive.

Okay, that’s the end of the huge announcement. Carry on.

The Greatest Turd of All

The night Whitney Houston died, I remember clearly thinking:

I wonder what Bill O’Reilly thinks about this?

Lucky for me–and the world–he shared his views on his show and in his column and later again on the Today show and then again on Fox & Friends. Bill harped on how the media exploited Whitney’s troubles when she was alive. He said this on his show and then in his column and later again on the Today show and then again on Fox & Friends.

“The media exploited her,” O’Reilly thundered. On his show, and then in his column and later again on the Today show and then again on Fox & Friends.

Bill O’Reilly has a new book coming out, Killing Kennedy. But before we get to learning about that literary masterpiece, Matt Lauer wants to talk about what Bill O’Reilly said on his show, which Bill then reiterated in his column (If you want to know what Matt and Bill talked about, you can watch O’Reilly rehash it on Fox & Friends)

“You said blah blah blah,” Matt quotes from Bill’s no-spin mouth.

“Yup,” Bill says, lathering a falafel.

“Then you said blah blah blah,” Matt quotes. “And people are all like ‘you dick.'”

“People have not been paying attention to me,” Bill says. “That’s why I yelled on my show. And now you’re interviewing me. And my comments are the subject of 870 news articles. And I’m headed to Fox & Friends next to bleat and moo some more until my vocal chords shred into pieces of confetti. I prayed for Whitney Houston.”

“Okay, but I’m going to get all up in arms over this in way that I never do about news stories that actually matter,” Matt says.

“Bring it Lauer,” Bill says and then sexually harasses an intern.

“You said that Whitney wanted to kill herself and that all people who take hard drugs are the same,” Matt paraphrases for Speaker7 because do you really expect her to listen to Matt over and over again to get the quote 100 percent accurate. “Addiction is a disease. And if you’re suffering from a disease, then you cannot make that choice.”

“Wrong,” O’Reilly says. “There are real diseases like elephantitis of the penis, which I suffer from greatly, ladies. If any ladies want to know how greatly, I will show them in the shower right after I rub them down with a falafel. Free will, Lauer. We, the media, look the other way–when instead we should be as judgmental as possible.”

“Should journalists be in the position of conducting interventions?” Matt asks, and that’s a good question. I’m kind of stunned. Matt Lauer asked a good question.

“They should be in the business of telling the truth,” O’Reilly responds. “Unless they are writing a book like Killing Lincoln. Then it’s okay to insert lots of factual errors, so many so, that the Ford Theater refuses to carry your book.”

Bill insists he was the only person to tell Whitney to knock it off. Why she didn’t listen to him will always haunt him.

“So tell us about your upcoming book,” Matt queries

“It will be horrible, but it will make me a lot of money,” O’Reilly turds. He turds this because he is the Turd of the Week™.

I prayed for this turd on my head.

The Turd Towers

I am a worrier.

I worry about my job security in the public sector. I worry that I can’t leave the hangnail on my thumb alone and will result in me peeling off all my thumb skin. I worry my exposed thumb will give me restless leg syndrome.

And I worry that my devoted readers will think I put no effort into my Turd of the Week™ segment by naming Donald Trump Turd of the Week™.

Calling Trump a turd is akin to calling a rose a rose or Trump a shameless self-promoting megalomaniacal dickhead.

Nonetheless, readers, nonethemore, his turdishness stood out among all the other floaters in the toilet bowl by his ridiculous announcement of his upcoming announcement of his endorsement of an announcement of announcement. Yes, Donald Trump was going to open his big fat mouth, stretch his overused vocal cords and say something no one in the world should ever care about…..and the media was there to faithfully cover it all.

“I’m here to announce that my hair is made 100 percent out of Trump steaks.”

He tried to be sneaky by making some media outlets think he was going to endorse an overgrown baby for president.

“Don’t worry Newt, ol’ buddy ol’ pal, I’ve got a spot for you on “Celebrity Apprentice XXMMVXC.” It will also feature another baby, the baby from the E*TRADE commercials.

The Today show sent a turnip to Las Vegas to get the scoop. “…” said the turnip because turnips cannot speak. Others said “Trump’s a showman.” So is the guy who makes balloon animals at the county fair.

Trump had toyed with the idea of running for president himself. But then he realized it would be difficult to file bankruptcy for the entire country like he did for his own businesses.

Trump instead endorsed another really rich guy who could care less about the very poor. I’m paraphrasing. Republican presidential frontrunner Mitt Romney actually said “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” The very poor responded “We’re too hungry to even be able to process your statement. Oh and pfffftttttt.”

Donald Trump talked lots and lots. So do his comb-over. He mentioned China and laughter and blop. His hair flopped around with emphasis. And then his hair said: “Blippetedy bleep bleep Mitt Romney” and people applauded wildly because they are paid to do so. And then Trump checked out Mittens’ wife and said “And by the way this is a great couple, will you look at this couple” and people cheered somewhat uncomfortably and then awkwardly looked at their shoes.

And then Trump the showman finished with a twirl: “Mitt is tough. He’s smart. He’s sharp. He’s not going to allow bad things to continue to happen to this country we love. He will eat all the very poor and then crap them out in a productive manner. His wife has a great rack. Gov. Romney go out and get ’em. You can do it.”

Well turded, hairpiece. Well turded.

My Important Breakthrough

I hate being ignorant of the important issues.

But luckily TV exists, and I turn it on quite often so I can learn.

Today I learned that some women have issues with toilet paper.

We seriously need to get a handle on this before we colonize the moon. I really don’t want to pack up my stuff and then unpack all my stuff, and then watch my stuff get ruined by someone’s bathroom situation floating into my moon pod. I am unsure if using the term “bathroom situation” is an example of “cutesy stuff” that one woman in the commercial is vehement about stopping, but I really want to avoid poopy and pee-pee mingling with my little bunny foo-foo.

I must confess, I wish the commercial went into a little more detail about the cause of the problem. It mentions the toilet paper helps protect against “breakthrough,” but I’m not sure I completely understand what that means. Are these women using the toilet paper at the same time they’re relieving themselves? Because that seems counterintuitive.

Before I delve further, I would like to offer an apology to Les of Best Bathroom Books. This is really treading onto his territory. My intention was to write about Taco Bell offering breakfast. This was a serious news story featured on the Today show. But then later this afternoon, a woman said “It’s time to get real about what happens in the bathroom.” And I thought, okay?

I wonder if there is any way to connect Taco Bell breakfast food with going to the bathroom in such a manner it causes breakthrough? Hmmm…..no, I’m stumped.

I get problems for the newly potty trained, like I understand those Charmin commercials with the young bear, and how he always has a parade’s worth of toilet paper sprinkled like confetti all over his hind quarters. And then his mom looks at his rear to examine how well he wiped himself. Actually, no I don’t understand those commercials.

It is time to talk about clean, as one woman says in the commercial, and feeling clean is soooooo important, as states another. I don’t want to sound braggy, but I manage to wipe myself without spraying the walls and ceiling with fecal matter (I do sound braggy, don’t I? Darn it). I get the impression that that is not the case for the women and their families in this commercial.

I think if we can turn a Taco Supreme® into a Grande Skillet Burrito®, we can wipe our asses in a manner that will not make us sorry we just ate that Grande Skillet Burrito®.

And only then can we conquer the moon.

Road Trip

Dear Gentle Readers,

I have taken a break from Matt Lauer, the Today show and turds to take a trip down memory lane. Angie Z of the always sensational Childhood Relived, invited me to her blog for some needed respite from the stresses of the present such as watching Newt Gingrich pretend indignation. If you have not guessed from the title of her blog, Angie writes about her childhood so I thought it appropriate to share a tale from my own–and as to be suspected, it involves turds or more specifically a giant turd named “Brenda” who made my life miserable at day camp. Read more here. And then check out some of Angie’s posts. You will not be disappointed.

I shall be back in a few days refreshed and revived, and ready to write about reality television, celebrity divorces or whatever other turdish items get passed off as “news” on Today.

Wish you were here,

Speaker7

Turd of the Week™

We are unveiling a new weekly segment here at speaker7.wordpress.com. I say “we” so if it fails miserably, I can blame it on one of my many interns and underlings who work for me–mainly my nearly 2-year-old son.

But how can it fail? It’s about everyone’s favorite topic–turds. Turds are essential for a living organism to function and for blog writing. When I wrote my first turd-related post about the turdish nature of Dr. Phil, my number of subscribers shot through the roof (source: Speaker7’s imagination). Little known fact: Sculptor Gutson Borglum used Dr. Phil’s head as a model when carving the faces of the United States’ presidents into Mount Rushmore because Dr. Phil’s head is close to the actual size of the sculpture give or take a few yards.

I will now take a few questions.

Speaker7, how can you possibly settle on only one turd a week when there are an abundance of turds featured daily on the Today show?

That’s a great question.

What do you mean by the word “turd”?

When someone is labeled a turd, it means he or she represents a piece of fecal matter.

Couldn’t that be construed as positive considering we need to evacuate our bowels to survive?

No.

When will this segment begin?

Right now. In fact I even have a logo:

I can’t say this was easy. There was a lot of turdish behavior committed by complete turds this week.  Marky Mark said that turdish thing about how he would have stopped the 9/11 terrorists if he had been on the plane. Newt Gingrich likely said something horrible about poor people or will during the presidential debate tonight in South Carolina. But the turd who stuck out the most, in my opinion, is U.S. Rep. Peter King.

The reason he stuck out the most is that I watched Matt Lauer interview him on the Today show today, and I remembered how much I cannot stand him. He has requested the Defense Department investigate whether the Obama administration leaked classified information about the raid on Osama bin Laden to two producers making a film because nothing else of import is occurring at the moment. He has no proof of this, which is why he asked for an investigation. I have no proof that Peter King eats live babies for breakfast, which is why I’m asking for an investigation.

But what I really enjoy most about King is his spot-on impression of Sen. Joseph McCarthy although Pete isn’t ferreting out communists, just Americans who happen to be Muslim. He plans to hold some more (!) investigations into American Muslims next month. Why? “It’s there and that’s where the threat is coming from at this time.”

Well turded, Pete, well turded.

Nothing to See Here

Sometimes one just has to write even when one has nothing to write about and no inspiration.

This is what this is.

It has even affected my art.

Proof:

This post will have the feel of a random letter you read in the local newspaper where the writer has clearly lost his mind, but must commit his madness to paper if only to be able to continue on. Kind of like this:

So I thought I should do the same thing. Clear out the clutter and cobwebs, stop being like Gollum and thinking of my blog as precious, and just write a list of pure dreck and end it with an exclamation of well wishes.

So here goes a list of worthless gibberish for your non-reading non pleasure to unblock my writer’s block:

  • The Today show had its penultimate 60th anniversary celebration today, featuring the highlights of the last 60 years. It showed some old footage of a chimpanzee pushing an anchor desk. Former anchors told tales that mainly involved interview subjects using bathrooms. Ann Curry reminisced how she interviewed Vice-President Joe Biden and a dog howling “Wooovveee woooo” in a manner that sounds like “looovveee youuuu” on the same day, and neither had an answer to why Work It‘s pilot was picked up by ABC. And Al Roker made out with Willard Scott. At the bitter end, the Today show played highlights from the 60th anniversary celebration it just aired, and I felt as if I had become trapped in some space-time continuum where I would never move on from today.
  • I missed the second episode of Work It. If you are unfamiliar with the sitcom, stop reading and live your life in the peace and happiness one can only possess from being ignorant of this show. Although I did not watch it, this is what I believed happened: All the women in the office realize they are experiencing menstrual synchrony.  Lee plays along to fit in. When a colleague can’t find ketchup for the hotdog she ordered at lunch, Lee pulls a tampon out from under his dress covered in ketchup. “Will this do?” he quips. The other girls titter. “Oh my god, I was soooo going to do that too,” squeals Monique. They laugh and launch into a pillow fight.
  • The Golden Globes are Sunday. The opening number is the cast of The Jersey Shore reenacting scenes from The Human Centipede 2. Do not click on the link and read about this movie if you want to continue a life of peace and happiness
  • Twinkies are dead. Long live Twinkies.
  • Sarah Palin Explains Why Santorum Rises to the Top” is a most excellent headline if you use the most current definition of Santorum.
  • Christian Mingle.com is a site designed to find God’s match for you™. It seems a tad suspect though since “red” is an option to choose for eye color and we all know who has red eyes… Ben Stein.
  • Today is Blame Someone Else Day, Happy International Skeptics Day and Make Your Dreams Come True Today.
  • Writing random lists of gibberish does nothing to alleviate writer’s block and leads to reader’s block.

Happy International Skeptics Day!!

Happy Anniversary Today Show

In 1952, a network birthed a news show that would summarize the top stories of the day in a manner that would make you feel as if no news was happening at all.

This week, we celebrate by looking back on the top stories the Today show brought into the homes of Americans over the past 60 years.

Black-and-white footage of some old-time anchor straining a donut with a sieve.

News.

It was a simpler time, Matt Lauer narrates. When men were men, children played simply in the streets, and African-Americans enjoyed the simplicity of using facilities designated just for them. Eddie Fisher played on the radio, and gays and lesbians played in the closet. Americans enjoyed their prosperity, and women enjoyed the three to four career paths open to them. And people barbecued simple, American food, and the developmentally disabled chowed down on the bowls of maggot-filled mush all the while chained to the floors in overcrowded mental hospitals.

Ah America….such sweet innocence.

And in that innocence, Today anchors interviewed the newsmakers like Howdy Doody, (today’s Newt Gingrich), and challenged society (can I strain a donut with an old workboot? Ah..a sieve. How genius).

How does one suitably recognize such an achievement? With a Dunkin Donut product placement of course! (source: Martha Stewart Living)

We changed people’s lives when we showed that first segment on how to strain a donut, a Today producer yells during a news meeting. America needs to be reminded of that. We need to be reminded of our roots. That stands as the single biggest news story we’ve ever covered. Show some respect!!

Some harried production assistant places a frantic phone call to a local Dunkin Donuts. Stan picks up the phone and realizes this is the moment he has been waiting for his entire lonely, pain-killer driven life.

This is it, Stan ol’ buddy boy, ol’ pal, don’t screw it up. Maybe I’ll get a spot on Cupcake Wars, Stan thinks as he grabs a grease-caked broom from the back storage closet and breaks off the bristles. Using an exacto knife, he cuts three big circles out of Coolatta boxes and rams the broom handle through all three. He frantically stacks two-day old donuts onto each tier and ends up with this:

A sculpture that makes an Edible Arrangments® fruit basket look like Michelangelo's David.

“We wanted to make sure we created something inspired by the Today show,” says Stan the Man to Matt, Ann, Al and some female anchorbot.

Well done, Stan. I don’t think I could have made anything better.

The Year in Review of the Century

Fantastic news, everybody!

People magazine has unveiled its top stories of 2011. I can barely contain my excitement or urine–in fact I just peed all over the floor. That has been happening a lot lately. I probably should get that checked out. But there’s no time!! 2011 is rapidly coming to a close and I must know what I was suppose to care about over the last year.

What could the top stories be??????????????????????????? Let’s think…what happened this year that was important? I know braids were big, I learned that from the Today show. Also sharks and Matt Lauer’s whereabouts. Were they bigger than the tsunami in Japan? (yes)

Who’s to say? (Answer: People magazine)

I became intrigued about People magazine’s Year in Review when one of the Today show female anchors who looks like all of the other female anchors interviewed People Managing Editor Kate Coin.

“Charlie Sheen has to top any list,” the anchor says as I grind a Fisher Price toy into my temple.

“Charlie Sheen was, to use a word I think he would approve of, epic,” Kate says.

Who won the Noble Peace Prize this year?

No one knows. Winning.

People split up, got married, split up, dated, participated in competing trials of the century, played with magnetic balls, and cemented my desire to find some way to live on that new planet that’s like Earth, but hopefully has a better Year in Review wrap up.

1. Top story, obvs., was the utter destruction of civilization. Wait, I misread that. It was the royal wedding. This was the wedding of the century. Anyone out there planning a wedding between now and 2099, get ready for some major disappointment because it will not be the wedding of the century. It’s going to be a long, cruel winter of a century. But buck up, I bought you this:

Ideal for any teabagging event.

Now people are speculating when the royal shaft will penetrate the royal flower to create a royal baby, and these are people I never want to meet.  All I know is that baby will be the baby of the century. Anyone planning on having kids between now and 2099, get ready for some disappointment because your future kid will just be pure crap.

2. Royal sister with completely non canine-like name of Pippa. She was the hottest bridesmaid ever and is currently the world’s most eligible bachelorette, according to People. She is also the greatest person alive or dead, and farts diamonds.

3. 2011 most intriguing non-royal couple actress Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux. They are most intriguing because they intriguingly have sex on each other.  A pal is quoted as saying: “I am a figment of the writer’s imagination to add some credibility to this non article. Oh, and Justin and Jen are very much on the same page.”

4. Anderson Cooper’s toddler palate. The news anchor revealed to the huddled masses yearning to breathe free that he never tasted coffee or spinach. I am more intrigued by the Pristiq® ad on the following page:

Here are my questions: Why is she the only Pristiq® doll with a wind-up key in her back? Who teachers a yoga class for Pristiq® dolls? And why the fuck would anyone give a flying fig newton about Anderson Cooper’s dietary nonadventures?

5 – 262. Loudmouths; meatsuits; sham weddings; pharmaceutical ads; child molestors; hysteria; warlocks; iPhone ads passed off as “funny” celebrity articles; Oppprrraaahhhhh; pepper spray; the scourge; cupcakes on a stick; new words like “Tiger Mom” that make me hate words; loser feuds; dead people; pictures of actual news stories using less words than the story about Anderson Cooper’s pooh-pooh of spinach; pooh-pooh; Katy Perry’s peppermint tattoo; and the end of civilization.

Quite a year, my friends! I’m glad I remember none of it.

Miraculously Miraculous

Christmas is a time of miraculous miracles that miraculously mystify through their miraculousness.

The Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus who grew up and now lives forever at the North Pole under the moniker “Santa Claus.”

A hefty bag gave birth to many tiny hefty bags that were assembled together into a life size replica of Bo, the White House First Dog.

credit: Washington Post

And the Today show had a feature on how retailers are thrilled by the joy people spread through the firing of bullets, the stabbing of knives and the trampling of feet to obtain products that people can wear on their feet while they fire guns, stab and trample on others.

I guess some new sneakers came out, and they supposedly turn you into Michael Jordan when you wear them or maybe Lil Bow Wow, who starred in the movie Like Mike about a boy who finds a pair of old sneakers that make him play basketball like Michael Jordan. That–or they look cool so that’s why someone stabbed that guy seven times to get ahead of him in the line outside the mall.

Nike was none too happy (but kind of secretly happy) that people were literally trampling over toddlers to jam their feet into $180 shoes. They released this statement:

But there is a silver lining in all the attempted murdering–consumer confidence is up, people are spending and they are buying smart, says some smiling Today show guy in Florida. He smiles through his spiel about the tension people can feel when a gun suddenly goes off in a crowded sporting goods store before segueing into how people are using their trigger fingers to diddle their smart phones looking for the best deals and best ways to murder.

Christmas.

Around 25 percent of the population started buying their tangible displays of love this week, the Today show guy statisticizes, and 54 percent surveyed said that 80 percent of news stories that contain 63 percent of statistics make them sound 103 percent more scientific than stories that use less than 12 percent of surveys and 3 percent of reporting.

Shopping so close to the climax of the consumerism orgy fills Sheila Lopez with the Christmas spirit.

“I have to buy clothes,” she says in a spirited monotone befitting of one of the zombies in Dawn of the Dead.

Sheila then goes and bites the face of the nearest person carrying a Nike bag containing Air Jordans.

Miraculous.