Top 10 Turds of 2012

You may be aware, I run a weekly segment titled Turd of the Week™.*

*Full disclosure: This is not weekly. It’s more of a sporadic segment, but I like Turd of the Week™ moreso than Sporadic Turd™ .

You may also be aware that 2012 is quickly coming to a close, and what better way to ring in the new year than honor some truly spectacular shitball behavior.

I combed the extensive archives (not really), and have put together a top 10 list saluting such incredible craptastic turding.

Yes, Donald Trump is on this list–he, in fact, could be the entire list. I’m also recognizing a completely new turd who has tooted some pretty turdtastic statements in the past couple of days.

1. Donald Trump

The Turd Donald had quite the year. It seemed every time I turned on the TV, he was surpassing his latest bout of idiocy with some assblasting tomfoolery.

He started off the year making media outlets believe they should broadcast the things that he says. We would get reports the Trump was going to make a big annoucement about the Republican presidental candidates or the fact his hair is made out of hamster bedding, then reports guessing what he would say and finally the actual announcement. All this while real news was occurring.

He jumped on the birther train and rode it straight to Batshit Crazy, USA.

He challenged Pres. Obama to release his college transcripts in exchange for a fake donation to a charity like Trump Steaks Inc.  When Hurricane Sandy overshadowed his giant gaping maw, he got on the news extending the deadline.

And then finally, election night, he tweeted the election was a sham cuz the guy who got the most votes won and that we should revolt. Turd-a-licious.

2. Donald TrumpBill O’Reilly

Bill is not about Bill, people.  He is never about self-promotion so when he blathered on forever about the media exploitation of Whitney Houston’s death while promoting his latest historical fantasy novel, it was because he cares.

He cares when he says things like: “Whitney Houston wanted to kill herself. Nobody takes drugs for that long if they want to stay on the planet.”

And this after the 2012 election: “It’s not a traditional America anymore, and there are 50 percent of the voting public who want stuff. They want things. And who is going to give them things? President Obama.”

And never forget: “And just use your vibrator to blow off steam. What, you’ve got a vibrator, don’t you? Every girl does.”

Falafel Turdafel.

3. Donald TrumpRush Limbaugh

Do I really need to explain this one? I gave Limpball a turd cigar during his whole women-who-use-birth-control-are-sluts phase (1981-present). Remember that fun? Sandra Fluke was a “slut” because she wanted her birth control covered under her insurance plan so it was like “she wants to be paid to have sex.”

Unbelievable, expecially coming from a Missouri Hall of Fame treasure who said this: “When women got the right to vote, is when it all went downhill.”

I vote Big Fat-Headed Turd.

4. Donald TrumpDarrell Issa

The former car thief congressman famously summoned an all male-panel to discuss vaginal domination “religious freedom.”

Old pot-bellied men grumbled over how female contraception meant less possibilities for virgin births, and Issa readily shut down any requests for the ladies to speak on a topic that was essentially about women’s health..er…I mean god stuff. Wasn’t there some sewing the ladies could attend to? Those wrinkles aren’t going to iron out themselves.

He issa turd.

5. Donald TrumpRichard Mourdock

This little beauty resurrected the Turd of the Week™ segment by plopping out this statement: “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

That takes a strong bowel to say God is rape’s cheerleader.

Murdick can share his turd award with that other turdface Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” comment.

So sorry you turds lost your elections.

6. Donald TrumpNewt Gingrich

Giant babyman Newt Gingrich spews many horrible things out of his melon-sized head. I turded him after suffering through his long-winded speech before the Conservative Political Action Conference, but he, like Trump, could be a weekly winner.

Why just a few days ago, he said this gem: “(S)chool administrators should be trained and should have arms that are available under lock and key.” According to Newt, if Dawn Hochsprung–or “that principal” as Newt put it–had been able to kill the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooter first, she would saved a number of lives.

I think I speak for many when I say: Shut the fuck up forever.

7. Donald TrumpTami Fitzgerald

Finally! A woman enters the sewage arena. I gave Tami a nice turd cake topper for her turdish stance against gay marriage. Tami is one of those people who enjoys attributing horrible things to God to get away with saying some horrible homophobic stuff.

According to Tami, God designed marriage, and is directly responsible for that uncomfortable feeling you get when you watch a 12-year-old boy slide a garter up a 45-year-old woman’s leg at a wedding reception. God flips out when people ruin weddings by marrying people they love who happen to share the same set of gentalia because it completely ruins that tradition. Two garter belts! What the fuck are you going to do with that!

8. Donald TrumpGeraldo Rivera

Mario-brother Impersonator Geraldo Rivera is all about keeping it realz, yo. He makes the list for blaming the hoodie on Trayvon Martin’s shooting death, and saying the word “gangsta” in the most grating way possible.

He gets more hair added to his turd’s mustache for saying a “faith-based man” couldn’t possibly have committed the acts of the Sandy Hook shooter.

Whateva gangsturd.

9. Donald TrumpTerry England

Georgia State Rep. Terry England received the turd honor when he compared women to livestock. In a discussion about a bill prohibiting abortion after 20 weeks, England thought it was appropriate to share his experience watching his cows deliver stillborn babies. It was tough on the ol’ birds, but they could do it so why can’t the ladies, amirite fellas?

Salt of the turd, that one.

10. Donald TrumpWayne LaPierre

I have not written much about the Sandy Hook school shootings. I am a loss for what to say. I read stories about funerals held for six and seven year olds, and I’m a blubbering mess. I feel this way not just because I’m a parent and a teacher responsible for countless little innocents, but because I’m a person.

That’s why I found Wayne LePierre, the head of the National Rifle Association, particularly turd-worthy. A day after Newtown buried Josephine Grace Gay, 7, the last of the slain children, LePierre was on “Meet the Press” saying the NRA will continue to fight any new measures limiting gun purchases. He continued his crazed vision of elementary schools armed to the teeth as if the way to solve gun violence is to add more guns to the mix.

“If it’s crazy to call for armed officers in our schools to protect our children, then call me crazy,” LePierre insisted.

Okay. You’re crazy, sturd-crazy.

Stillborn Turd

What are the differences between cows and women? I’m sorry I should probably rephrase that. Are there any differences between cows and women?

Hmmm.

I honestly don’t know. They both produce milk. They both can be moo-thers (did you see what I did there? No, I don’t either). They both are livestock.

I can see then why Terry England, a Georgia state representative, thought it completely appropriate to talk about livestock delivering stillborn babies in a discussion about a bill requiring women to deliver stillborn babies. Well, the bill prohibits any abortion after 20 weeks even if the fetus or mother are in distress.

Guys, Terry’s been there. He’s been there when his cow delivered a stillborn calf. He’s seen his pigs deliver stillborn piglets. It breaks his heart, but the point is–they can do it. So why can’t the ladies, am I right?

Why can’t the ladies just eat their cud, swish their tails and not worry about the dead fetal tissue inside of them until they lay on the barnyard floor and Terry shows up.

It’s completely the same.

Oh wait—I forgot the amazing incentive. Listen to this, it is seriously awesome. So Terry England was talking to some young feller about “dog or hog hunting” (that’s a thing?), and the feller’s like “Look, I make my living fighting chickens.”

This guy is total “salt of the earth people,” Terry assures.

He says “Terry, I’ve got to tell you something…when they quit killing babies, they can have every chicken I’ve got.”

Excuse me. I need to compose myself.

I’m back.

So can we do that everyone? Can we think of the poor, poor chickens? Aren’t chickens–like women–livestock too? I know they lay eggs, but sometimes those eggs are empty, and then used in Easter egg hunts.

I imagine Terry England has advisers, right? I wonder how that conversation went after Terry delivered that heartbreaking speech.

Adviser: Okay, so tell me again what you said.

England: I said calves and pigs deliver stillborn babies all the time so why not women who are mainly a different type of livestock.

Adviser: Wow. Okay. Um. Okay.

England: I was just speaking from my salt-of-the-earth heart.

Adviser: I understand. Not the best comparison, I might add.

England: Does it really matter? It’s not like they can vote.

Adviser: No..no actually they can. Since 1920, as a matter of fact. So yes, they do vote.

England: Shit. Are you sure? Cuz last I checked, my cows don’t go to the polls.

Adviser: Right, but see, women are humans.

England: No way. Really?

Adviser: Yes.

England: Goddang.Well, look, I was just talking to my buddies. No one’s going to care about that.

Adviser: You were giving a speech before the Georgia Legislature, and it was filmed.

England: I like hog hunting.

Adviser: It’s okay. I think we can spin it…..maybe we can say your microscopic penis made you say these things. It is really small. I mean, it’s almost a vagina, but the good thing is no one would make you actually carry dead fetal tissue because you have no reproductive organs, and that is beyond insane, but my point is, is that you have the smallest dick in the world.

England: Yup.

Adviser: So even if your career in politics is over, you could have a career going to state fairs as the man with smallest penis in the history of penises–so that’s something.

England: I like dog hunting.

What also is something, is that I found my Turd of the Week™ and it’s only Tuesday. Way to go America!