tennessee

Science is for the Turds

I like to know knowledge and learn learnledge. But I get angry sometimes that my worldview isn’t presented adequately. Like I guess scientists and mathetists can get all smug with their belief that 2+2=4. But why can’t 2+2=19 or 2+2=foot massage? Why can’t it also equal that or = this? Who died and made them the king of whole numbers?

The state of Tennennnennnnnnseeeeseee has the right idea. The governor is posed to sign a law that will allow teachers to present the weaknesses of such “theories” as evolution and global warming, among other topics so teachers can showcase the strengths of other theories like Wonder Twins Power Activate.

The new law is supported by social conservatives and creationists, and both are quick to point out this has nothing do with injecting religion into the science curriculum. It’s just to make things more awesome. Like you’re in biology, and your teacher says “Sure, organisms may have adapted over time to their environment in a process called natural selection or maybe a flying unicorn sprinkled fairy dust onto a potted plant on a turtle’s back and that grew into the Earth and then we grew like flowers and we have magical powers.” Maybe there’s no evidence for the unicorn theory, but you would have to agree the unicorn theory is way more awesome. Like I would watch a movie about that sh*t. The former theory with its evidence and widespread support from the scientific community? Yawnsville.

But why stop there? Wouldn’t it be super awesome if everything was up for debate, and you could just go with what your gut tells you?

Gravity. Sure I guess it could be the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass, OR it could be God pressing down on my head preventing me from rising upwards until the Rapture.

Blue sky. Sure it could be the light being absorbed by gas molecules in the atmosphere OR a giant, who lives in the land of giants in the clouds above, spilled over his bucket of blue paint whilst painting his giant chicken coop.

Heliocentric theory. Sure maybe the Earth revolves around the Sun OR the earth revolves around Speaker7 and all her glorious scientific wisdom. My guts says the Speaker7centric theory sounds correct. Coming soon to schools in 2012-13.

We all owe a big thank you to Republican State Rep. Bill Dunn for broadening our view of the world, and allowing me to teach my son that hurricanes form when Pop Rocks are mixed with soda or because God hates gay marriage or gay retirees (can’t remember which, I’ll consult my seer stone).

I will also teach my son that Bill Dunn could have resulted from the slime crawling out of the ocean OR maybe, just maybe he formed from a giant turdball. My gut tells me to go with the latter theory, and I have the evidence to back it up since he is the Turd of the Week™.

Disclaimer: Turd of the Week™ is nondenominational award although this particular honoree was chosen through Intelligent Design. 

History is for the Turds

Historians can be so mean, you guys. Like you’re doing your thing, you’re founding your country and setting up your laws to benefit people who look exactly like you, and then some dork loser historian keeps writing about how you owned like 300 or something slaves during that time period, and you’re like, “Hey, that’s mean!! Take that back.” And the dork loser historian is like “Make me, dick.” And you’re like “Well, I can’t jerk because I’m dead.” And the dork loser historian is like “You snooze you lose.” And you’re all like “What does that even mean!?! God, I HATE you!!” And then you cry into your pillow until your ivory teeth fall out and you eventually pass out.

I imagine that is what the ghost of George Washington does every day knowing that some dork loser historian wrote in some even dorkier, loser history book about his slave-owning ways.

Isn’t there something we can do to stop George Washington’s pain, you guys? I mean, it like sucks, right?

I know! Let’s, like, take all references to slaves and slavery out of the history books! Slavery was so blech, you guys. It’s like such a downer. Do you think anyone would even miss it? No way.

Oh wow! I wasn’t the first to broach this kickass idea. The Tennessee Tea Party presented a list of five legislative priorities to the state government, and one demands the removal of any reference to any slave-owning done by any Founding Father including Thomas Jefferson, who was a real founding father, if you know what I mean. You don’t? I mean this.

Tennessee Tea Party Leader Hal Rounds thinks any mention of this is “race-baiting.” Exposing the Founding Fathers’ love of owning people disparages them in ways that hurts their feelings, you guys, and it totally needs to stop.  As Hal says:

“(The kids) are being taught (the Founding Fathers) were hypocrites and slave owners and part of the teachings about slavery was that it was inherently cruel.”

I know, like, I’m sure there were times when slavery was inherently fun! Like, maybe one day the slaves were given some extra bread at dinner. I don’t think every day was filled with terror and degradation, right?  Why do we always focus on the negative? And by the way, “White people were whipped too,” Hal says.

Well said.

Or what I mean to say is, well turded, Hal. Your actions have earned you the coveted Turd of the Week™.

And nice shirt.