taco bell

My Important Breakthrough

I hate being ignorant of the important issues.

But luckily TV exists, and I turn it on quite often so I can learn.

Today I learned that some women have issues with toilet paper.

We seriously need to get a handle on this before we colonize the moon. I really don’t want to pack up my stuff and then unpack all my stuff, and then watch my stuff get ruined by someone’s bathroom situation floating into my moon pod. I am unsure if using the term “bathroom situation” is an example of “cutesy stuff” that one woman in the commercial is vehement about stopping, but I really want to avoid poopy and pee-pee mingling with my little bunny foo-foo.

I must confess, I wish the commercial went into a little more detail about the cause of the problem. It mentions the toilet paper helps protect against “breakthrough,” but I’m not sure I completely understand what that means. Are these women using the toilet paper at the same time they’re relieving themselves? Because that seems counterintuitive.

Before I delve further, I would like to offer an apology to Les of Best Bathroom Books. This is really treading onto his territory. My intention was to write about Taco Bell offering breakfast. This was a serious news story featured on the Today show. But then later this afternoon, a woman said “It’s time to get real about what happens in the bathroom.” And I thought, okay?

I wonder if there is any way to connect Taco Bell breakfast food with going to the bathroom in such a manner it causes breakthrough? Hmmm…..no, I’m stumped.

I get problems for the newly potty trained, like I understand those Charmin commercials with the young bear, and how he always has a parade’s worth of toilet paper sprinkled like confetti all over his hind quarters. And then his mom looks at his rear to examine how well he wiped himself. Actually, no I don’t understand those commercials.

It is time to talk about clean, as one woman says in the commercial, and feeling clean is soooooo important, as states another. I don’t want to sound braggy, but I manage to wipe myself without spraying the walls and ceiling with fecal matter (I do sound braggy, don’t I? Darn it). I get the impression that that is not the case for the women and their families in this commercial.

I think if we can turn a Taco Supreme® into a Grande Skillet Burrito®, we can wipe our asses in a manner that will not make us sorry we just ate that Grande Skillet Burrito®.

And only then can we conquer the moon.