Starr Jones

I’ve Come to the Conclusion that I Hate Myself

Maybe hate is too strong a word…I guess I loathe myself. Here is my proof: I’m in the kitchen, pouring my 11th cup of coffee when my husband calls to me “Donnie Deutsch is up next on the Today show” and my response is “I guess I should watch.”

I guess I should watch because I loathe myself. The first time I saw Donnie Deutsch, I was a Donnie Deutsch newbie (I was originally going to type virgin, but I could not stop dry heaving) so I really had no idea what to expect. I mean, it was the fourth hour of the Today show so it was destined to be awful, but I had no idea how incomprehensibly awful.

Lifeintheboomerlane actually googled Donnie Deutsch, found out his first name is spelled with a “y” and viewed a picture of him in a speedo. I am presently taking up a collection to pay for the many hours of therapy she now needs.

She discovered he is a “TV personality” whatever that is, but today he is a Today “professional.”(???)

Matt Lauer–not wearing glasses, but holding them in his hand, which still gives the appearance of intelligence–interviewed three Today professionals (???) about the “latest headlines and trends.”

Matt first asks: “What is with this latest trend of demeaning the word ‘professional’ by labeling total morons as professionals?”

No, I’m sorry that wasn’t the first question.

It was “Black Friday starts on Thursday? Whas up, dawgs?” (I’m paraphrasing)

Donnie answers: “You know, I’m so tired of people blaming the media for destroying things guess what if you don’t want to go to a store on Thanksgiving don’t go I mean by the way everything is supply and demand if consumers didn’t demand that we wouldn’t do it but I’m so tired of the media causes are destroying the holiday don’t go to the store.”

That was a very professional answer.

Matt’s all like “dude, what about the people who have to work at these retail establishments? They have to leave their families on Thanksgiving Day and deal with the PTSD that comes from watching people get trampled by other people desperate to purchase a Forever Lazy® for under $4.”

Donnie replies: “Guess what guess what guess what I think of the millions unemployed, I think a lot of people would be thankful to work on Thanksgiving unfortunately.”

I wonder how many of those millions wish they could make a lot of money being a TV personality with no discernible talent.

Hold the presses. Republican presidential front runner Newt Gingrich said something awful. To read about how totally awesome Newt Gingrich is, check out Best Bathroom Books.

Here’s what he said: “You say to somebody you shouldn’t work before you’re what, 14, 16 years of age, fine. You’re totally poor. You’re in a school that is failing with a teacher that (sic) is failing. I’ve tried for years to have a very simple model. Most of these school ought to get rid of the unionized janitors, have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work, they would have cash, they would have pride in the schools, they’d begin the process of rising.”

Child labor laws are like soooo 1930s. Child labor is good for the soul.

Donnie says this: “Newt Gingrich. I think what he forgot is being a janitor is not a simple thing, it’s chemicals it’s HVAC.”

Dear Newt:

When Donnie Deutsch makes more sense than you, it’s time to hang it up.

With much love,

Speaker7

News alert: It’s the end of the ’50s male, according to Matt Lauer. I have no idea what that means, but apparently lots of men said it was okay if their wives or partners were the family breadwinners. “Is this enlightment,” Matt asks, gripping his glasses very tightly. “Or a sign of the economic times?”

“I’ll tell you why right now the latter point that Matt made these times are so dire that I think a lot of men of hey wherever it comes from having said that I want to be the main breadwinner in my family maybe that makes me insecure or what not as a man, but I think if we took the survey 5 years ago, we’d have a different answer,” screeches Donnie.

One of the other professionals, Starr Jones, said “God told Adam to go to work. . . it’s something innate in a man.” God also was pissed when Onan ejaculated into the ground rather than into his brother’s wife so make of that what you will.

Matt finally gets to the burning issue: Turkey or stuffing?

“Stuffing,” Donnie professionally replies, “Because there’s turkey all year round stuffing separates it.”

I was right the first time: I hate myself.

 

 

 

 

I Like the Way Your Ass Looks in Those Pants

Pizzadential hopeful Herman Cain has been accused of sexual harassment.

As someone who has worked in food industry, I find this shocking…wait…oh right, I find this to be status quo of working in food industry. What’s awesome about being female and working in food industry is that you can get sexually harassed by management, other employees and customers. It’s a win-win-win.

I remember when I worked in a coffee house and I would ask customers if they would like room for cream in their coffee, i.e. not fill it to the point where it’s sloshing over the sides, and some men would inevitably say “Are you the cream?”

No. No, I’m not. You realize that pick-up line is completely nonsensical? It would be better to say “I produce my own cream.” Wait, why am I helping you sexually harass me?

But what the &@*(!& is sexual harassment? Ann Curry wants to know on today Today show. “It’s very difficult to get your hands on it,” she says. I’d like to get my hands on it.

I’m kidding. See my ring? I’m married. I’m just joking around. Jesus, lighten up.

She’s invited some hot pieces of ass to help her sort this issue out. I’d like to sort it out all night long. I can, you know, go all night long. *Speaker7 gestures emphatically toward her package*

Starr Jones says it’s when people do things that are really, really lame.

So it’s really about how the woman responds, Ann queries. Of course women who accuse men of sexual harassment are likely liberal activists or “official hyperventilators of the first order,” according to Republican Rep. Steve King.

He likely has been turned down for sex too many time to mention. Poor Steve and his really, really small penis.

Cain settled for $35,000 with one of his accusers. “That’s a smoking gun, right,” asks Ann.

I’ve got a smoking “gun” for you.

No, that’s a really small settlement, says Starr Jones. Almost as small as Steve King’s penis. Tiny, tiny, tiny.

We haven’t heard yet from Steve Abdubato who wrote a book called You are the Brand and uses the word “brand” as every other word. He seems like an official hyperventilator of the first order when he screams: “Herman Cain’s only brand is that he’s an outsider. I wrote a book about brands. The problem with Herman Cain from a communications and PR branding point of view is that his policy ideas are ridiculous.” He might not have said those last five words. That doesn’t make those last five words less true.

Does Herman Cain’s wife have to get out there and say my husband is not likely the giant slime douchebag he is, Ann asks.

Please don’t, whoever Herman Cain’s wife happens to be.

Steve has a better idea. “Man up. Brand. Brand. I wrote a book about that. Admit that you screwed up. I wasn’t as honest as I brand brand You are the Brand, available on Amazon.”

And that was it.

Poor Steve King and his Ken-doll-like genitalia.