Snuffy

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Some parents are concerned that the acquisition of the beloved children’s television show Sesame Street by HBO, the purveyor of breasts, will continue America’s decline into a giant shithole. Justin knows what I’m saying:

justinNot so, says Jeffrey D. Dunn, chief executive of Sesame Workshop. Things will invariably stay the same with some tweaks to keep Sesame Street up-to-date with the digital natives we ween from breastfeeding apps.

“It will still be Sesame Street with Big Bird, Elmo and that shitbag who lives in a garbage can,” Dunn said. He did note there were would be some content changes to “spice things up in the way HBO viewers are used to, and to make young children enslaved to HBO for life.”

“What I’m basically saying is tits. Lots of tits.”

For examples, writers will focus more on the relationship between Big Bird and Snuffy. They will be recast as 20-something friends trying to find their way in the big city in the style of Girls but with a giant imaginary monster and a talking bird.

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snuffygirls2Dunn said more emphasis will be placed on The Count in the sense that he will be given a love interest.

“I mean The Count is kind of a drag,” Dunn said. “Yes he can count. Like bats and whoopie pies, but what if he was involved in an obsessive and dangerous relationship with a southern waitress? Then you’d definitely see your child counting past 20.”

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Kid will also be challenged more. Instead of trying to guess what object does not belong in a group, children will be asked to test their talents in solving a mystery.

“We’re talking about taking one of those nondescript muppets like Maggle or Furry and getting real deep into the complexities of the human soul,” Dunn said.

Dunn said it would designed as an anthology. Each season would star different monsters in the detective role. The detectives would all have alcoholism, daddy issues, obsessive needs to pontificate on nonsense that make viewers feel the monsters are deep, and storylines that you believe are good, but in the end suck balls. And there will be many topless muppets used as props because…um…tits?

“But it will be completely for kids because it will take place on different playgrounds across the country,” Dunn said.

truedetectiveAnd, or course, the Sesame Street cast will pay homage to Game of Thrones.

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