shake weights

Doin’ It

Alright so I’m lightening things up a little with today’s post.

The last few days have been a little political, and sure, I lost some followers, but whatevs. I’m not even counting or noticing that it was three. Fare thee well former readers, I have nothing but contempt good feelings for you.

For those who stuck it out, you are in for a treat! I went over to the lady section on Yahoo! to learn about lady issues like tampon-string irritation, and I returned with ways to rev up my down-there engine.

C’mon ladies, let’s face it. After a long day of choosing Jif® over Skippy®, the last thing your woman brain can handle is thinking about sexy times. I mean, who’s going to unload the dishwasher?

But follow these surefire tips from Yahoo! Shine! and you will sure fire up that grill that has been lying dormant and charcoal-free in your pants.

1. Eat Sexy-Enhancing Foods

Scarf down some bananas and peanut butter because your hoo-hah apparently has the same appetite as Elvis Presley. Do not be surprised if your ladybits began to crave white polyester jumpsuits.

2. You Go Grrrllkjl;ajk

Ignore everything woman-centric websites/magazines tell you that you should hate about your appearance and just accept yourself, grrlllrllll! You are so beautiful or you could be if you followed our Green Juice/Coconut Water Ab-Blaster Diet®. You deserve to bump your non-size-0 love muffin against the mighty peen even though you could follow our 10 steps to a Thinner Vagina Shake Program® and shed those unwanted vaginal pounds. Better yet, cut back on those peanutbutter-banana sandwiches. What are you, Elvis Presley?

3. Shake Weights® 

Exercise gets the endorphins flowing, and for some reason men like to see women doing this:

4. Brain Stimulation

Did you know that your brain is more powerful than your elbow? It is! That’s why it makes less sense to rub a peanutbutter banana sandwich against your elbow than it does to read a sexy book with your brain-connected eyes. Ohhh! What sexy book am I going to mention?!? I don’t know…could it be…wait for it…

Fifty Shades of Grey?

Yes, apparently you can read this book and not despair about the downfall of humanity and instead want to clamp your genitals onto an actual genital clamp. The article also mentioned the movie Magic Mike, which I haven’t seen because I don’t like looking at greasy skin.

Anyway, I guess the point is look at or read something that turns you on. For some reason, this is doing it for me:

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the fourth post. Speaker7 is always looking for suggestions for future posts. They should be sexy, however, because she is in a really sexy mood from reading sexy lady tips from Yahoo!.

To Know the Actual Love For You

Wouldn’t that be something–especially today of all days, the 14th day in the month-long celebration of National Bird Feeding? To know the actual love the actual someone has for the actual person who is you? I wish there was a list of actual tips. Maybe written by someone for whom English is a second language. Then I would know if a guy has a love for their girls.

The Internet never ceases to amaze me, whether it be sating my never-ending desire to know all there is to know about adult baby syndrome or helping to master the intricacies of the Shake Weight®, it always comes through for me. Google even made me a video Valentine I never finished watching because I clicked on a link to learn how to get freakishly long eye lashes (cow urine moistened onto the eyelashes followed by dollop of bird urine, cover with gauze). It was difficult to read through the gauze, but I did find a website that answered the age-old question:

How is it possible to know the actual love of the guy for you?

Tip 1 – When he takes interest in your matters like your work schedule.

I asked Mr. Speaker7 if he knew what I did at 10:35 a.m. today. He responded: “No, what did you do?”  I have been giving him the silent treatment ever since, and broke it only to say what I would like to order for take out.

Tip 2 – When a guy keeps a track on your habits.

I break my silence. What is my number 1 habit? I ask my husband. “Sitting in front of a computer screen for hours,” he responds.

The correct response is ribbon sorting.

Tip 3 – When a guy wants to spend more time with you, dates out with you and shares your favorite pastimes, then he is madly in love with you.

Do you want to mix up these ribbons and then sort them by thread count? I ask. “It’s been a really long day,” sighs Mr. Speaker7

Tip 4 – If he tries to be friendly with you, it show signs of love for you.

I think the supermarket cashier is into me because he said “Here you go. Have a nice day” rather than spitting in my face, a clear sign of no love for you.

Tip 5 – Changing of topic when you discuss about your future with him is not a good sign of a healthy relationship with your love.

What is the future of your relationship with my love? I query breathlessly. “…” responds Mr. Speaker7 because he left the room 20 minutes ago to stop answering these questions.

Tip 6 -His every action will make you believe he loves you.

Really? His every action? All humans poop. There was even a book written about it. Should I see if he is or is not pooping on a photo of me? How far do I go here? I mean your tip is very specific and helpful, but where do we draw the line? Ball scratching? Yes, ball scratching.

I think that’s a good tip to end on especially since Tip 17 is “knowing when to end your blog post on a positive love note shows he feels in love with his love over you” and there are 3,259 other tips. And Mr. Speaker7’s action of folding laundry when I hate folding laundry is clearly making me believe he loves me in a sharing of not-favorite-pastimes-kind-of way.

Happy Bird Feeding Month to you all!

Hollywood Walk of Shame

Here it is Labor Day, and I’m trying to be all relaxed, and then I read this:

Kim Kardashian Won’t Get a Hollywood Star

And I’m enraged by the injustice of it all. Apparently the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce was asked if it would consider “reality” “stars” for the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It responded “Hell to the no” on its Facebook page thereby coining one of the most interesting turns of phrase in our lifetime. You go, girl! Hey, that one’s pretty good too. Make sure to credit me if you use it.

I have never seen Keeping Kup Kwith Kthe Kardashians, but I am aware of Kim’s oeuvre:

  • sex on film, but in a very classy non-porn way
  • big ass
  • wedding to a giant

How is Kim’s career any different than say Walk of Fame recipients’ Bob Barker (sex tape) or Big Bird (big ass)? I’ll answer that: it isn’t.

So where’s the love Hollywood Chamber of Commerce? Are you worried that if you bestow a kstar on Kim, you will open the floodgates to any carbon life form who willingly invites cameras into his/her bathrooms? You should be because that will likely happen. Do you think people will question your wisdom by honoring Kim before honoring many other much worthier stars?

Well I have made things easy for you. I have come up with a list of celebrities who will be required to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame before Kim Kardashian thereby making her inevitable induction easier to swallow.

Here is the list:

1.

The bag from the movie American Beauty

2.

The Chuck E. Cheese Animatronic Band

3.

Muno from Yo Gabba Gabba

4.

Bubonic-plague Wench #4 from The Renaissance Faire

5.

Comedienne Newt Gingrich

6.

The horse from Most Eligible: Dallas.

7.

Shake Weights™!!!!!!

8.

David Hasselhoff’s hamburger

9.

Khloe Kardashian

Hell to the yes, Hollywood Chamber of Commerce! Hell to the yes!

You don’t realize what I do each day

Summer vacation is coming to an end today. To go out with a bang, I’m going to watch the full 4th hour of the Today show and blog as I watch.   I understand there will be something about arm toning. It’s the kind of tone one’s arm gets from lifting multiple glasses of alcohol. I imagine there will be drinking on “Wino Wednesday.” I imagine I will not make it the full hour.

4th interminable hour

Here we go!

Winesday Wednesday – I was close. Today was the county fair at Today and it just looks like the saddest crap fair. My high school Oklahoma set looked more professional. Hoda and Kathie Lee and other Today people are on the plaza rolling giant bales of hay. It’s funny because this is what we commoners do at our common county fairs. Hoda and Kathie Lee win. “You don’t realize what we do each day,” says Kathie. That is true.

Hoda tells us that women don’t like to take compliments. Hoda herself hates people who say “thank you” after receiving compliments. You should say “f*** off” instead (I’m paraphrasing).

Hoda and Kathie Lee made news yesterday on the Huffington Post according to them. We go to a video from yesterday’s show where they are beatboxing. No mention of how this is news, and I’m left feeling perplexed and wanting to break dance.

They show a Prince Harry dancing video. He dives into pool that’s in a club.

This show makes me feel like I have ADD.

Up next: Photobombing. “Is this new?” Hoda asks. Phyllis Diller story from Kathie so I guess no. Photobomb is finally defined as poking your head into a picture, and the Biebs did it to Russell Brand and a crazy person.

We learn that Meg Farris(?) is with us and Bill Graham’s great-grandson and his mother/grandmother (she is not identified) who looks angry. Kathie Lee loves her some Billy Graham. She took him up to the guest suite and he asked for a Big Mac. We never know why these people are in the studio. It’s a great cliffhanger because they are never mentioned again.

Breaking news: Victoria Beckham photographed in flats. Kathie bombs a Photobomb joke (do you see what I did there? I don’t know either). Hoda likes heels.

New words are in the dictionary: social media, tweet, bromance, cougar, crowdsourcing, helicopter parents, boomerang child, fistbump, boink. Language is dead.

They wrap these things around their heads. The things look like door draft guards.

Back to compliment problems. Kathie Lee and Hoda are getting to the bottom of this with the help of a blogger and an author. I missed their names so I will call them Blogger and Author. Blogger says something. Kathie compliments Blogger’s cleavage. Now Blogger’s talking about how someone said she had great legs. “We all have that inner body bully,” says Author. “We don’t want people to think that we think we’re all that.” Hoda says she likes people who don’t think so much of themselves. Here is my compliment for this segment: It couldn’t possibly suck anymore than it already does.

What the what? segment –  Pictures of “funny” things. There’s a sheep. Bwha-ha-ha-ha!!

Who knew? trivia “game” – Labor Day game with many questions that don’t focus on Labor Day. I’ve lost knowledge from this game.

How to transition your make up routine from summer to fall segment – This is something people are concerned about? The make up artist says “Hi lovers.” She seems drunk. She unironically uses the word “fierce.” Here’s what I learned: Bronzer is your friend.

Wine, wine, wine!!! Finally the drinking. They drink and eat and eat and drink. People talk while Kathie Lee and Hoda pour wine down their gullets. Another “nice cleavage” compliment from Kathie Lee. The woman says “thank you” and Hoda doesn’t criticize her. Progress.

Getting fit segment – arm toning. Shake weights! No, no shake weights. Yoga poses.

The end.

Going back to work no longer seems so dismal.