sexy

This is My Last Post

about gravy. This is also my first. Gravy is so good for a minute, and then it congeals and you remember you’re sucking down the fat run-off from a once living animal. And then you heat it up in the microwave and it’s liquid deliciousness again, and you stick a funnel in your mouth and wash down that spoonful of mashed potatoes with three quarts of cowfat run-off.

You may be wondering about this post’s content. Possibly. Gravy is pretty good. People should write about it. Or you may be wondering about the headline. The headline may be a twinge misleading.

You may have unwittingly clicked on it, thinking Oh my god! Is this end of Speaker7??? Who will I turn to for updates on adult baby syndrome or anal bleaching? (Answer: PBS News Hour with Jim Lehrer)

Rest easy, gentle reader. I am not going anywhere. In fact, I can’t. A gas and electric truck is currently blocking my driveway. When you’re dealing with electricity, basic rules of operating in a civilized society go out the window. I guess it’s the same for doctors’ offices, which explains why the one across the street thinks it’s a-okay to let its medical waste seep out of the 1/4-ply garbage bag into my yard. Used syringes are so cute in a 2-year-old’s hands!

My anger is causing me to lose focus.

The point is I played with your emotions to get you to click. I am in the process of learning how to write successful headlines to draw readers. A successful headline draws the reader’s attention, according to some writer who wrote the attention-grabbing headline “How to Write Effective Headlines”.

Initially I was going to go with this headline for the post: How To Write Effective Headlines Insight from How to Write Effective Headlines Author

I then read past the Effective Headlines headline, which was really, really difficult especially because there was a “shoot-the-watermelon” game happening on the right-hand side.

The point of the headline is trying to get people to read the article.

?!?

This was revelatory. I had thought headlines were meant to cause the inner light inside each and every one of us to collapse like dying stars. I had thought headlines were suppose to make you think I’d rather stick myself with that used syringe a second time than read this story–but no, headlines are designed to capture your wandering eye. Do you know 8 out of 10 people will read the headline, but only 2 out of 10 floss? And even though they have carved out a wedge of time to read blog posts since they are allowing their congealed gravy to stay between their teeth, they are not reading past the headline.

So my second headline attempt was: This Headline Is Meant to Get You to Read This Because Most of You Will Read This, But I also Want You to Click on This. Is that okay with you? Check the Yes or No Box and Get Back to Me. I Love You.

Apparently headlines are not supposed to be longer than the actual post unless you are Fiona Apple. They should also be punchy, not to be confused with paunchy which is what one can be if one consumes a lot of gravy. They should lash out at the readers’ eyes with a quick one, two.

So that’s how I ended up with the headline I did. And you clicked. And if you have made it this far, I have a reward.

Apparently people like sexy pictures. Blogs that contain sexy pictures get lots of page views.

So here’s a sexy picture:

This came up in a search for gravy. You’re welcome.

Gift Ideas for Every Mom

It used to be so easy with Mother’s Day. You took a frozen orange juice container, glued a piece of shag carpet around it–and presto instant carpet-covered frozen orange juice container.

But moms want us to “step up our game” apparently, according to Cosmopolitan magazine, and Cosmopolitan magazine is rarely wrong. Its expose on the “50 Things to Do With Your Boobs” was revelatory (#47 – Shuck corn), as was its expose on the “50 Sexy Ways to Sexily Shuck Sexy Corn” (#26 – Go heavy on the anal bleaching).

Not all moms are the same. Some like overpriced gunk made by the tiny fingers of orphans working in non-ventilated sweatshops while others like products that need to be included in the magazine per the advertisers marketing agreement.

So what if you’re unsure of your mom’s type? Luckily Cosmo breaks it down into 12 essential categories of motherhood. I have lumped some together and narrowed it down to four, having learned much from Cosmo’s expose on “50 Sexy Ways to Reduce the Amount of Sexy Time Spent on Sexily Writing Sexy Blogs and How to Keep Him Coming Back For More” (#26 – Limit the number of crotch shots to 9)

Sentimental/Techy/Stressed Out Mom

Got a mama who tears up over cat food commercials? That goblet containing the ocean whitefish reminds me of my third wedding *sob* … Does it then remind her she has a fifth wedding to plan, and she needs to decide if she’s going to go with the candied almonds in a mesh bag or the engraved toothpicks for the wedding favors and she starts to get so stressed out? And you have to say Chill out, mama, and she screams back You were a mistake!! A beautiful mistake *sob*. . . and the cycle repeats for another 17 hours.

So if that’s her, then get her this:

Ionic Salt Bowl Lamp

Girly/Party/Trendy Mom

Does your mother speak in vocal fry? Wear her hair in pink pigtails and pink ponytails and pink whaletails? Does she rock ‘n roll all night and party everyday? Does she say the latest catchphrases like “I’m da bomb diggety dog doody wad dilly bum bum noodle noodle casserole stew”?

She sounds wonderful.

Then get her this:

Perfect for wet T-shirt contests.

Sporty/Artsy/Quirky Mom

Jesus–is this done yet? No.

Okay so does your moo-moo Zumba (Sporty Spice) while sculpting (Artsy Spice), but instead of using clay she uses Hamburger Helper (Quirky Spice)? Then this is the must-have:

Works with Hamburger Helper.

Adventurous/Traveler/Mommy Mom

Is your mom always out and about, wanting to visit the latest war-torn spaghetti factory or taste sea foam biscuit ice cream raisins? Is she also a Mommy Mom? And what is a Mommy Mom? Is she a mom who acts infantile and wants you to baby her? Or is she a mommy with a second or third family and that’s why she’s always leaving under the guise of being an adventurous traveler? Who knows?

Just get this and we’ll call it a day:

The Sexiest Blog Alive!

I have been experiencing insomnia, but it will stop because I now know People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive.”

It has placed its honor on a big bag of spit.

No, that can’t be right? Let me put on my reading glasses.

Bradley Cooper.

I wonder what criteria the magazine uses to make its selection? I tried to find the magazine’s masthead, but the overpowering smell of perfume ads knocked me out for 20 minutes so I abandoned my quest.

There’s lots of men out there, like, over a thousand or something so what made Brad Cooper stand out? I read the interview. He has teeth and two eyes. He eats 2,000 calories a day. He’s half-Italian and uses something like Rogaine, because “nothing’s worse than hair that’s not thick enough.” He laughs when people trip and fall. He likes necks, feet, hands and backs.

I looked up “sexy” in the dictionary to make sure it still had the same definition. It still means to be appealing.

Hmm.

I am beyond shocked that my idea of sexy conflicts with People magazine’s idea of sexy. It also thinks Simon Cowell is sexy when he says things like: “I get bored very quickly.”

I feel the same way when watching The X Factor.

Who is to say which sexy is the right sexy or the wrong sexy? (Answer: me)

I think the sound of wet dog food plopping into a metallic bowl is sexy. Nothing is hotter than band-aids . . . or Cheeto-stained fingers for that matter. I also like a good canteen.

My husband and I have an agreement. We have a list of five famous people we can–to use the parlance of Frank Reynolds–bang without there being any repercussions.

This is my list: Vladmir Putin, Dick Cheney, Voldemort, Montgomery Burns and Zac Efron. What can I say? I like my men bald and evil.

So yes there clearly is something horribly wrong with me so my halfhearted response (I clapped only with my left hand and it sounded like a tree falling on a bear shitting in the woods) in seeing Bradley Cooper on the cover is to be expected.

Sure Bradley Cooper has kind of a douchey vibe, but I’m not going to get all riled up and go protest something that is basically a giant marketing scam to get people to buy magazines and go to movies because who would do that? … Oh right, these people:

That is the sexiest protesting alive.

________ Sexy Adult Costume

My excitement over purchasing items from the LTD Commodities Christmas Catalog almost led me to forgetting about Halloween.

Can you really blame me?

Look at this:

insert “you might be a redneck” joke

If it’s too small to read all the jokes have to deal with making a play on the word “crack” while showing a redneck’s ass crack. I do not understand this. If you can explain the joke to me, please do so in the comments area. Thank you so much.

And this:

Made 100 percent out of sparkly marble

**I believe you are purchasing towels, rugs or blankets with the actors’ likeness not the actual actors themselves.**

But thank Great Pumpkin for email. I mainly get emails from WordPress, but sometimes I get something special like offers to purchase white spray paint for my teeth (did you know that oxygen molecules work their way through dentinal tubules?? Science!!) or to buy Halloween costumes.

I am all about Halloween except when I forget about it due to excitement over Christmas catalogs, but that has only happened once.

I am all about sexy costumes…excuse me…seXXXyyyyyyyyejglk costumes. I really like to tart it up for Halloween, but have run out of ideas and really don’t want to go back to an old standby when I pretend to be a child for trick or treating. I’ve been a seXxy, sassy Oedipus Rex complete with Burger King crown and tears of blood from the gouging of my eyes. I’ve been a seXXtifed Vincent Van Gogh with a supersexxxxxxyyyy bloodied bandaged around my ear. I’ve been a too-hot-too-handle Lybian terrorist (this was for the 9th grade Halloween dance. Odd that I didn’t have a boyfriend until college) with a fake beard. So as you can see I’m all about sexiness sells sexshells by the seashore.

So how am I’m going to whore it up this year? I don’t want to do something blah like sexxy truck driver or sexXxy zombie Dick Cheney. I have a child now. I want to set a good example. Luckily I did not automatically trash an email from Buycostumes.com or else I would have lost out on some truly sexily fantastic ideas. Such as this:

KISS Catman Sexy Adult Costume

What is sexxxier than Peter Criss? Maybe Gene Simmons, which they also have as a KISS Demon Sexy Adult Costume. This feline is ready to rock all night long and party every day. I wish I could take credit for that sentence, but it’s from the Buycostume website.

And this:

The Silence of the Lambs Sexy Adult Costume

I remember when Hannibal Lector was eating that guy’s face, I was thinking “That is some sexy cannibalism right there.” Apparently this outfit is an officially licensed Silence of the Lambs (SOTL) product. I wonder what else is out there? Possibly a SOTL® lotion that it can rub on its skin and put inside a SOTL® basket?

If chainsaw-wielding psychopaths are more your thing, they do also offer Miss Leatherface Sexy Adult Costume.

Or this:

Sloth Sinner Sexy Adult Costume

When I think of attaching the sexy label to one of the seven sins, sloth is always first on the list…well maybe it ties with gluttony (unfortunately there is no Gluttony Sinner Sexy Adult Costume). Lazy is the new sexy.

And lastly this:

The Sushi’s On Me Sexy Adult Costume

I really have nothing better to offer so I will let Buycostumes speak for itself:

“Miso sexy! Presentation is everything, right? I guess if that’s how you roll! Costume includes a nude-colored bodysuit with attached leaves and faux sushi. Heads will turn (and mouths may water) when they see this impressive spread.”

Very, very tasteful. Classy, too.

I’m so..excuse me… Miso buying all of these.