sexual harassment

I Like the Way Your Ass Looks in Those Pants

Pizzadential hopeful Herman Cain has been accused of sexual harassment.

As someone who has worked in food industry, I find this shocking…wait…oh right, I find this to be status quo of working in food industry. What’s awesome about being female and working in food industry is that you can get sexually harassed by management, other employees and customers. It’s a win-win-win.

I remember when I worked in a coffee house and I would ask customers if they would like room for cream in their coffee, i.e. not fill it to the point where it’s sloshing over the sides, and some men would inevitably say “Are you the cream?”

No. No, I’m not. You realize that pick-up line is completely nonsensical? It would be better to say “I produce my own cream.” Wait, why am I helping you sexually harass me?

But what the &@*(!& is sexual harassment? Ann Curry wants to know on today Today show. “It’s very difficult to get your hands on it,” she says. I’d like to get my hands on it.

I’m kidding. See my ring? I’m married. I’m just joking around. Jesus, lighten up.

She’s invited some hot pieces of ass to help her sort this issue out. I’d like to sort it out all night long. I can, you know, go all night long. *Speaker7 gestures emphatically toward her package*

Starr Jones says it’s when people do things that are really, really lame.

So it’s really about how the woman responds, Ann queries. Of course women who accuse men of sexual harassment are likely liberal activists or “official hyperventilators of the first order,” according to Republican Rep. Steve King.

He likely has been turned down for sex too many time to mention. Poor Steve and his really, really small penis.

Cain settled for $35,000 with one of his accusers. “That’s a smoking gun, right,” asks Ann.

I’ve got a smoking “gun” for you.

No, that’s a really small settlement, says Starr Jones. Almost as small as Steve King’s penis. Tiny, tiny, tiny.

We haven’t heard yet from Steve Abdubato who wrote a book called You are the Brand and uses the word “brand” as every other word. He seems like an official hyperventilator of the first order when he screams: “Herman Cain’s only brand is that he’s an outsider. I wrote a book about brands. The problem with Herman Cain from a communications and PR branding point of view is that his policy ideas are ridiculous.” He might not have said those last five words. That doesn’t make those last five words less true.

Does Herman Cain’s wife have to get out there and say my husband is not likely the giant slime douchebag he is, Ann asks.

Please don’t, whoever Herman Cain’s wife happens to be.

Steve has a better idea. “Man up. Brand. Brand. I wrote a book about that. Admit that you screwed up. I wasn’t as honest as I brand brand You are the Brand, available on Amazon.”

And that was it.

Poor Steve King and his Ken-doll-like genitalia.

Advertisements