sex

A Pad of Sad

Holy chlamydia!

Tomorrow we will discover which couple wins Bachelor Pad 3, but can one ever really be a winner on Bachelor Pad? (Answer: no)

I’ve realized I’ve shirked my responsibility of offering up a timely recrap of the previous episode and you’ve likely thrown my immunity rose into a paper shredder, but I want you to know that the connections we made and this journey we’ve gone on has been the most amazing experience of my life™.

Four couples remain as we open on a shot of a groundskeeper spraying disinfectant on a puddle of spooge by the pool. I don’t know if this really happened–it’s been awhile since I watched this–but it feels right.

Chris B. has survived another round, and is giving an inspiring pep talk to the remaining contestants who all hate him.

Partners drunkenly ramble to each other about “stepping up our game” and “needing to be on the same page” and “is there any more vodka? I’d like to chug some through my anus?”

Host Chris Harrison shows up and platitudes nonsense about their amazing journey without realizing I trademarked that phrase. He will be hearing from my sock puppet lawyer Hank. In the next competition, the winning couple will not receive immunity roses, but will have “a lot of power in their hands,” Chris Harrison lames. I’m wondering if they will receive the key to the liquor cabinet.

The four couples head outside and see four seats suspended over the pool. One partner sits on the seat while the other partner answers questions about Bachelor Pad 3. Every time the partner answers a question wrong, a rope holding up the seat will be cut. At some point the partner will lose the seat entirely and will have to hang on an overhead bar until his/her arm strength gives.

It’s as boring as it sounds.

Chris B. and Sarah win. They get to choose which couple will leave Bachelor Pad 3 immediately. Couples are given a chance to state their case, and Tony actually says he’s on the show to make his son proud of him. Oh vey.

Chris B. clearly enjoys his moment in the sun, and decides to bitch at all the people who have been meanie mean-means to him.

He chooses Blakely, his former partner, and Tony to go home. They weep with the intensity of someone about to be sent off to battle and climb into the limo of despair.

The three remaining couples are not even given a second to do the 10th jager bomb before they are summoned to the next challenge that will decide which two couples will head to the finale.

The limo pulls up to a theater. They see their names on the marquee. The saddest crowd of “fans” has gathered to greet them. I swear I’ve seen more people at a city council meeting on sewage. But the padders take it in stride and pretend they are actually celebrities.

In the theater, a bunch of old guys in wigs are playing instruments. It turns out it’s Knight Ranger. They launch into their seminal song “Sister Christian” while the contestants look drunkenly bewildered. It just shows that fame is a fleeting bitch, man. You’re on the top of the world in the 1980s, doing coke off a number of willing backsides. And then 30 years pass, and you’re performing for barely functioning reality TV contestants.

Each couple will perform the song “Sister Christian.” Knight Ranger will be the judges, and choose one couple as the winner. Each couple is given a vocal coach somehow connected to the show Glee, and 24 hours to practice. The practice session takes up the majority of the two hours. They are all predictably terrible.

Performance time. Rachel and Nick are first, and they’re terrible. They receive a standing ovation from the judges for some reason. The next group is Ed and Jaclyn, and they forget the words and keep asking for “do-overs” in drunken slurs. They then start dry humping.

Sarah and Chris B. are last. They are terrible, but know the lyrics. Sarah runs around the stage and then starts thrusting against the floor as if she were trying to thrust the last remaining dignity out of her body. The judges seem to dig it.

The judges pick Nick and Rachel for sucking the least so they will be heading to the finals. Sarah wins honorable mention for providing new mastubatory material for the judges. Nick and Rachel get to decide which couple will join them at the finale. Jaclyn says Rachel is her best friend so she knows she’s golden. Oh Jaclyn. Haven’t you ever read Aesop?Never count your genital sores before they hatch.

Nick convinces Rachel to pick Sarah and Chris B. since all the other contestants will vote on which couple will receive the $250,000. Everyone hates them, Nick reasons, so that will guarantee he and Rachel win.

At the final rose ceremony, Rachel breaks the bad news to her bestie. Jaclyn is pissed.

In the limo of sad, Jaclyn declares Rachel dead to her.

And that’s it. Aren’t you excited about the finale? Yeah, I’m not either.

Fifty Shades Neverending (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 451-500)

Once upon a time, there was a little Speaker7 who desperately wished she never heard of Fifty Shats of Grey. But heard she did, and now as she clings to her last functioning bit of brain and the anti-freeze digesting in her stomach, she dreams of a mostly bleak future when Fifty Shats Freely will be finished.

Two more recraps after this one. Two more, her inner hellbeast thinks while its razor-sharp teeth cuts through the cardboard cut-out meant to represent Ana Steele Grey’s inner goddess. (For more brain-damaging fun, click here)

Now we’ve just experienced a litany of plot twists that makes me surmise E.L. James had no idea what to write between the clinking of genitals. I had you vote on what you thought would happen next, and the majority voted for Speaker7 drinks a fourth glass of wine. I wish, gentle reader, I wish. But alas that was not the correct response.

You must be wondering which one was correct. Or like me, don’t give a shitball of shit. Well I won’t leave you guessing too long. There is a Pad of Bachelors I need to recrap after all.

So there’s a kidnapping and Ana is trying to get $5 million dollars rounded up. Should I just stop here and say this is the worst plot twist ever? Or is that shooting myself in the foot because in the next 50 pages, Ana will be flying to Tibet to rescue the Golden Child from evil sorcerers?

Ana’s at the bank. She has Leila’s gun tucked in the waistband of her jeans. I will laugh so hard if she gets arrested.

The bank teller gives her an “insincere smile” which earns her the clever moniker “Miss Insincere Smile.” Hate. I’m feeling such hate at this moment. Miss Insincere Smile arches an even more insincere eyebrow, and what the fuck is that? What is that? How is that done? Miss Insincere Facial Features asks sarcastically “You have an account with us?”

FUCK THIS BOOK.

This does not happen. Maybe in the cafeteria of some 1980’s teen movie where the nerd can’t sit at the cool table, but then gets a new haircut and a pleather jacket and suddenly has an all access pass to Popularityville.

Ana’s vagina answers “This is the human encasement for the mighty Grey schlong.” Miss Insincere Gimmick gets all flustery and pees a little, and rolls out a tiny red carpet just big enough for a ruby-encrusted vaginal ball.

Ana gets passed along to the manager and there’s back-and-forth over this withdrawal being highly irregular, and I’m sorry the time this takes? Yeah Mia is dead. You had two hours, Ana, not two years. I guess the manager calls Christian when he leaves for the 18th time and Christian thinks Ana is leaving him and wants his money. He hisses at her to “take it all,” which must be hard because there are no sibilants in that sentence.

Nine more years pass, and Ana finally gets the money, but sees her security detail in the lobby. She is able to evade them by holding up a finger and mouthing “wait.” Seriously? She calls Jack Hyde and he says he has a car waiting for her. She goes out the back and it’s. . .

Da-da-dumbbbbbbbbbbbbbb!!!

Elizabeth.

Wait, who? I don’t know who this is. It’s Elizabeth from the office, Ana thinks. Still not helping, and I refuse to go back through any of the books to find a reference to her so let’s just gasp and say “Holy craptwats³!”

Elizabeth asks for Ana’s cell phone and throws it into the garbage. Who is this woman Ana thinks. Okay, so you don’t know either. That makes me feel better.

Oh wait, Ana does know her, but doesn’t understand why she’s helping the Scooby Doo villain.

Does Jack have some hold on you, Ana asks. Elizabeth slams the brakes and Ana goes crashing into the headrest. I’m starting to like Elizabeth.

They drive to an abandoned building. Jack is there wearing a suit, and “oozing arrogance and hatred.”

He beats Ana up. She hits her head on the concrete. Ana pulls her gun out and shoots Jack in the thigh and passes out to the sounds of car tires screeching and Christian’s voice. She eventually will be in and out of consciousness. *DingDingDing* This is the correct answer in the plot twist poll. Congratulations eight voters!

The hospital sequence is one million pages. Or it feels that way. She comes in and out of consciousness, catching snippets of conversation. Most of it is about how remarkable Ana is #bullshittheories.

We get to hear her stepdad Ray saying “If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will. What the hell was she thinking?”

Wha? Sure Ray is a piece of plastic wrap, but he was a little normal. Now he’s like Christian?

FUCK THIS BOOK.

Finally Ana comes to because of her need to pee. There’s a whole thing about Ana being grossed out by her catheter. For fuck’s sake. Then she doesn’t want to pee in front of Christian, and the nurse argues with Christian, and Christian eventually picks Ana up and plops her on the toilet. She can’t pee with him standing there. Well Christian isn’t leaving….and this goes on forever. And I just don’t relate. If I have to pee to the point of bladder burstment, I’m peeing. I don’t care who’s there. In fact I’m peeing in my pants right now.

There’s some blathering about “I love you” “No, I love you” and the ordering of chicken soup. It feels as boring as an actual hospital visit except you don’t get to distract yourself by occasionally glancing up at the Wheel of Fortune episode playing on the TV.

Christian enjoys watching Ana chow down so much, he begins masturbating. He relates how he knew something was afoot when Taylor called and said Jack made bail. Please continue to forget that Jack was remanded with no bail.

“I don’t know how Sawyer found me,” Ana dumbs. Um. . . because everybody knew you were at the bank?

Ana wants to know why Christian went to see Elena.

Christian crawls into her hospital bed (!) and promises to talk about it tomorrow. The nurse comes in and frowns to see Christian in the bed. Ana says “Don’t be a stinker, be a thinker.” (not really, but it’s believable, yes?) Christian mumbles in his sleep “Don’t touch me. No more. Only Ana.” There are so many levels of shits I don’t give at this point.

Ana wakes up, and Christian is gone. Her father-in-law peeks in, and they have this charming exchange, and by charming I mean I want to scrape my knuckles against a cheese grater a bizallion times.

“‘He’s a little mad at you, as he should be,’ Carrick smirks. Ah, this is where Christian gets it from.

‘Christian is always mad at me.’

‘Is he?’ Carrick smiles, pleased–as if this is a good thing. His smile is infectious.”

FUCK THIS BOOK.

Dear Every Character in this Book,

Please succumb to some flesh-eating virus.

Love,

Speaker7

Christian brings Ana breakfast and his peen hardens when she wolfs it down. Why so hungry little bird? Because I’m preggers you big dope. Ooh, the non-elephant in the room. They whisper and hoarse-talk–which is different then horse talk because there’s less neigh–about being frightened about becoming parents. You know who should really be frightened? Your child.

Christian wonders if butt plugs can substitute for pacifiers, and Ana says the child will love Christian unconditionally–unless Christian acts like he has this entire series.

Ana is given the all clear to leave the hospital, and Christian actually checks on the sexing status with the doc. Awesome.

At home, the enormity of the stupid plot twists finally hits Ana and she “keens quietly” again. That is amazing.

Christian picks her up like a child (actual description) and they take a shower together–let us all pray to whatever sky deity we pray to and hope that E.L. James no longer means the child analogy because holy fuck gross shitballs butt plug. Christian unveils why Elizabeth helped Jack. They had a sex tape together. He taped all his sexual acts. I don’t get this because usually that kind of thing lands you a reality television show in this country.

Christian also leans the connection between him and Jack. They were at the same foster home. Um…okay. Did he do this because the Greys adopted you and not him, Ana wonders. Sure, why not?

Ana thinks Christian should talk to his parents so he invites them over and it turns into a big party. Before I leave you, I want to illustrate how remarkable Ana is with this passage:

“(Mia) looks fine. Impeccably dressed in tight black jeans and a pale prink frilly blouse. I’m glad I’m wearing my comfortable wrap dress and flats. At least I look reasonably presentable”

Yeah, she’s remarkably awful.

Fifty Shades Buzzed (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 401-450)

Okay, gentle reader. I begin this recrap with a couple caveats. (For more recraps, click here)

First, I don’t know what caveat means.

Second, I’ve drunk two glasses of wine and am seriously considering a third because I am reading pages 401-450 of Fifty Shades Freak after all so the likelihood that this will be coherent is as likely as E.L. James writing an interesting book with non-butt pluggish main characters.

We begin with Ana curled up in Christian’s lap while he sends emails.

Just go with it. I feel it looks “artsy.”

Detective Clark wants to interview Ana about that fucker Hyde, Christian mutters through his clenched peen.

Detective Clark shows up. Ana blushes when she sits down on the hotel couch covered in her vaginal fluid. Clark tells Ana that Hyde said she sexually harassed him, and she told lies to get his job. He also said you were a stinky face and had cooties, Clark continues. Ana continually gives Christian charley horses throughout the interview to prevent him from beating Clark about the face with his testicles. After, Ana says Christian is very “sweary” and I’m very tired. More wine, garson!

Contrivance Ray is moved to a rehabilitation center in Seattle. Ana shows up to be weird and call him “Daddy” which he says he likes and…yeesh. While she leaves, she hears her name being called. It’s Dr. Greene, the roaming gynecologist. Ana’s missed four appointments and like Dr. Greene does with all patients, she’s tracking Ana down to say “Whas up, yo?” Ana’s scalp prickles so we know nothing good is coming. Dr. Greene just miraculously can do a pregnancy test even though I have to call 4 months in advance to schedule my regular check up, but I don’t have a Cadillac vagina. Ana’s preggers.

What? No. No. No. Fuck.  I’m imagining these are the thoughts of the fetus upon realizing the identity of its parents. Or it could Ana. E.L. James has purposely left it vague. Or she sucks as a writer.

Dr. Greene, of course, has time for an ultrasound. Why not? Does Ana want a vaginal facelift too?

“‘If you’ll just slip off your skirt, underwear, and cover yourself with the blanket on the table, we’ll go from there,’ she says briskly.

Underwear? I know, weird right? I always wear 10 layers of underwear during my gynecological visits. Don’t trust her Ana!

Ana’s worried about Christian’s reaction. “I’m fat and awkward, heavy with child. He paces the the long hall of mirrors, away from me, the sound of his footsteps echoing off the silvered glass, walls, and floor. Christian. . . “

Ana goes back to work. There are emails.

Christian collects her like Star Wars action figure later that night. She is wary. Christian demands to know why she is not as wet as normal. She also hasn’t eaten. “‘Do you want me to add ‘feed my wife’ to the security details list of duties?'” Christian bores.

They visit Ray. Christian and Ray talk about baseball, fishing and ejaculation–men topics. Ana says she’ll see him tomorrow That’s provided Christian hasn’t locked you away . . . or worse. Wha? I mean, I’m drunk, but even in inebriation I can tell that’s fifty shades of fucked up. Oh my god, do you see what I did there? I don’t either.

Ana finally confesses to the pregnancy, and Christian acts like a Newt Gingrich would about his 10th mistress. He snarls, his brow furrows, he says “fuck”, he closes his eyes, he has an anger force field, his “eyes burn so many emotions.” Then he leaves.

He comes back drunk. He sniffs her hair. He calls the baby an invader. Ana’s scalp prickles and she uncovers that he’s been with Elena, Mrs. Robinson, when she sees a text from her.

Yup.

So he’s a dick and she’s a wet piece of toast for 12 or so pages. Then we get the 125th plot twist of stupid. Jack Frost has Mia. Ana’s scalp prickles with ridiculousness because even her scalp is like “The fuck?”

So the “prick-teasing” gold-digging whore” has to pay some ransom or Mia bites it. Let’s not remember that Hyde was remanded with no bail because boo.

Jack wants $5 million, vaginal ball. No one can know or he will kill Mia and yawn…no more wine. I can’t drink anymore. That is the serious tragedy here, people.

Ana has to evade her security team and I just don’t want to read anymore, but what a vag-tastic (™sweetmother) plot twist.

What do you think will happen next?

Fifty New Plot Twists (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 351-400)

I have dreams, gentle reader.

My dream was to finish the literary anal fissure that is Fifty Shades Freed before my return to work on Tuesday.

But alas, this dream is dead as so many have gone before it. Why did this happen?

Because this book is too long and my brain is too worn-out like an overused vaginal ball. (For previous recraps, click here)

But let’s carry on because I will have to watch my child at some point. I know Hugo and Goofy are anxious to continue, right guys?

That’s the spirit.

For three sentences, things seem sunshiny in Ana Steele Grey’s narrow world of stupid. But then holy crap plot twist, fifty shaders, Ana receives a call from José’s  father that her stepdad Ray was in a car accident and lying in a coma of contrivance.

Ana does a few things that are pretty amazing in the sense that they are impossible. First she can’t reach Christian so she groans silently with frustration. How does one groan silently exactly? Then she “keens quietly” in the backseat. What will she do next? Scream peacefully? Hiccup voluntarily?

Christian finally calls and says he will have to meet her at the hospital because he’s hammering out some made-up business deal with the Taiwanese. Why do I know nothing about this? Ana thinks trivially. Because the only hammering you care about, Ana, is the peen kind.

She arrives at the hospital, and mutterly screams in her head about the last time she was in the ER for twisting her ankle.  She shudders at that memory. Yes, that seems really awful. I’m sure the guy in the ER who’d been stabbed multiple times really felt for you.

She asks for Ray Steele, and the nurse says let me check Miss Steele. “I nod, not bothering to correct her.” Wow, what an asshole to even have this thought. Ray’s lucky you’re here, Ana.

She sees José and Mr. Rodriguez, also named José (very inventive, E.L.), in the waiting room. José Senior said the car they were driving in was hit by a drunk driver. Christian arrives, and his face darkens when he sees José holding Ana’s hand. Oh for fuck’s sake.

He’s all up in her bizness about eating. The doctor arrives. “All the blood disappears from my head as I stumble to my feet” Ana dumb thinks. This actually explains quite a bit about Ana. And then she thinks this gem: “Under any other circumstances, I would have found the doctor attractive.” The doctor addresses her as Miss Steele. Mrs. Grey, Christian corrects because his penis is enraged.

The Josés leave, and Ana sits on Christian’s lap in the waiting room. Hmmm…that seems normal.

Ray’s out of surgery so Ana and Christian go see him. The nurse predictably gets wet at the sight of Christian Grey’s stupid face, and Ana has the generous thought of “Incongrously I’m thinking blonde is not her true color.” Can the drunk driver just crash through the hospital room now?

They check in at the Heathman, the setting of their first twisted encounter. Christian’s shaken because he normally sees Ana as brave and strong. Really? When? I want some muther fucking page numbers, y’all.  Because I’ve never seen it, and I’ve read over 1,300 pages of this twat rot. Oh dear christ…I’m going to go jump off a building.

The next day is Ana’s birthday. She is 3 in dog years. Christian gives her a charm bracelet, and I shit you not, one of the charms is an ice cream cone, a shout-out to the ice-cream-in-the-vag bacterial nightmare. She later thinks “Ben & Jerry’s & Ana” and I gouge my eyes out with blowtorch. He also buys her a sports car, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the brake line will be severed.

They reenact some of their finest Heathman moments. She uses his toothbrush. Gack.  She reminisces how she was just a 21-year-old butt plug then and now she is a 22-year-old prostate massager. She toots “I’m getting old.” Fuck you.

In the infamous elevator of tongue-jamming, the duo get all hot and bothered and jam tongues again.

After visiting with Ray, Ana meets Christian in the waiting room. He looks angry and is speaking a completely implausible one-sided phone conversation.

They go to lunch. Ana suggests the restaurant where they got back together in Fifty Shades Darker. “Do you think that supercilious fucker is still waiting tables?” Christian asks. God I hope he spit in your food.

They get ready for dinner and get on the elevator with two other women. The sight of Christian Grey causes the women to lose all their vaginal fluids. They also hate Ana. Yes ladies, he’s mine. Fuck fuck. That’s all I have just fuck fuck.

Christian has arranged a surprise birthday party.

At the hospital again, the staff encourages Ana to talk to Ray about her life to get him to snap out of his coma.

With Ray awake, Ana finally feels like really doing it, and yuck connection. She’s so turned on she even thinks Why are his feet so hot? Christian ties her to the sofa, and orders her to feel herself up. He bellows “Come on Ana!” and she does on cue.

And that’s where I leave you, fifty shader. Incongruously, I’m thinking this book is shitballs.

A Pad of Illiterates

Only two more episodes left, Bachelor Pad 3 fans. Can I call you that?

It seems like only yesterday 400 or so contestants were drinking and releasing fluids into the pool. And now only 10 contestants remain to imbibe and frolic in the herpes-infested water.

The previous elimination ceremony was devastating to Rachel who lost her partner Michael. We begin with her weeping upstairs.

Host Chris Harrison shows up to say contestants will be playing as partners now, which means they will be eliminated as partners. Rachel seeks out the only remaining unpartnered male left.

The challenge is a spelling bee, and unsurprisingly the contestants can’t spell for shit. They quickly knock off monosyllabic words like “love” “hole” and “poop,” but choke on the “harder” words like “dignity.”

It’s down to two teams: Jaclyn and Ed and Chris B. and Sarah. Everyone hates Chris B. and hopes he goes down in flames. He wins by being only slightly less stupid than Ed. Chris B and Sarah win immunity and an overnight date in a shit-filled barn. Ed and Jaclyn also win an overnight date.

Rachel continues to pine for her partner and refers to herself as a widow. Nick tries to get her on board by saying Michael would have wanted it this way, as if Michael died rather than just got eliminated on a third-rate crappy reality show.

Jaclyn, Blakely and Rachel pinkyswear that they will vote for Kalon and Lindzi to be eliminated. Blakely excited she’s one more show closer to winning $250,000. “I can get cable,” she sads.

Ed and Jaclyn’s date card arrives. Jaclyn interviews she’s scared of rejection and of falling in love. If you remember from the previous recrap, Ed has been quite vocal about his lack of interest in Jaclyn.

He continues that trend on their awkward picnic date, telling Jaclyn that he is pursuing a relationship with a woman outside of reality television. He does, however, still enjoy using Jaclyn’s body as his own private plaything.

Meanwhile at the pad of delusion, Tony and Blakely continue to feign interest in one another. Tony blathers that he’s really fake falling for her.

We cut to an even more uncomfortable dinner with Ed and Jaclyn where Ed continues to insert his foot into his mouth. He lovingly tells her to calm down and not label anything, and expresses his desire to continue peen-sticking with no commitment or hassle. He’s a prince, that one.

When they return to the house, they learn they can hand out an immunity rose to one of the remaining couples. Couples come with hat in hand begging for mercy while Godfather-esque music plays in the background. Lindzi declares “I’m your bitch.” Someone leaves a horse head in someone’s bed. And the rose goes to Blakely and Tony.

Kalon makes a last ditch effort to stick around by trying to convince others to vote for Rachel and Nick. Blakely and Tony seem receptive. Nick cannot believe the injustice. He confronts Tony and Blakely.

Tony is agog at Nick’s accusations of betrayal.

Rachel’s worried her partner has ruined their chances. She laments her loss of Michael and rewrites a Candle in the Wind” using the nickname they came up with for Michael’s peen, Wicky. Nick is “livid” he says although, once again, it’s hard to tell since he’s already so red.

At the elimination ceremony, Kalon and Lindzi are sent packing. Nick realizes he needs to bond with his partner Rachel if they’re going to have a chance to win.

And that’s basically it. I leave you with this random footage from the episode.

A Pad of Ass

Chris B. is feeling down, you guys.

His Bachelor Pad besties have betrayed him. The woman he would alternately make out with or ignore has been voted off. His ex-partner Blakely has been saved and Chris hates her stupid face. He does the only thing he can think of as a “grown ass man.”

He gets into his little bunk bed and pulls the covers over his giant head.

His partner Sarah comes over and tries to coax Chris out with a graham cracker, but he’s, like, so grown-ass-man upset, yo! Then his ex-bestie Kalon comes in and Chris B. says “You’re a lying jerky poop head.”

Chris finally pulls himself out of bed to solely go yell at Ed, his other ex-bestie. He shouts at Ed to not shout at him. And keeps repeating the phrase “grown-ass man” in a manner that speaks to the opposite.

Ed has had enough or he needs to pee and he storms out, flinging a wine glass in his wake. He grown-ass says “This game is stupid.” And finally I agree with a contestant on something.

It’s the next day. Chris said he couldn’t sleep, and Tony responds “Relationships are tarnished. Trust is gone.” Not too melodramatic.

The challenge is The Great Fall of China, which involves the contestants carry stacks of teacups without dropping them. Blakely’s excited because she has worked at Hooters for 13 years.

Chris is bitching because he doesn’t think it’s fair. I’m sorry, Chris, I’m sure they’ll have a contest you’ll be good at like whiny bitching.

Blakely and Tony win. They decide to go on the date together so they give their immunity rose to Kalon. Kalon goes on a bridge date with Lindzi and kind of non professes his non love.

Blakely and Tony go on a trailer park date and feign interest in one another.

Tony and Blakely decide to give the remaining rose to Jaclyn despite Chris’s best efforts to get the rose for his partner Sarah.

Host Chris Harrison shows up to stoke the flames of drama. He asks all the couples about their coupledom, and Ed actually answers truthfully that he’s not interested in anyone in the house while his partner Jaclyn looks like she’s been punched in the stomach.

Chris Harrison tells the contestants that in this elimination round all the contestants will vote for one woman and that woman will choose the man she will take with her.

Chris B. knows he’s not long for the Bachelor Pad Gonorrhea Emporium. He attempts to come up with a strategy.

He tries to patch things up with Ed, and get Ed on board with voting off Lindzi. Ed says he can’t believe they were acting like stupid 15-year-old boys while being dressed exactly like 15-year-old boys.

Michael, the don of Bachelor Pad, tries to convince Erica that Chris B. is leading the brigade to get her voted off. Michael knows that he is vulnerable being the top Bachelor Pad dawg (what a distinction!), and wants Erica to take Chris with her. But his plan backfires when Chris brings Erica into the voting booth with him and shows his vote for Lindzi. A-doy.

Erica is voted off and takes Michael with her. In her valley-girl drone, she lists all the ways Michael sucks.

Michael’s partner Rachel is devastated and wants to leave with him, but he tells her to stay and “enjoy the experience.”

And that’s it! So much grown-assness that I actually grew another ass. Or it could be all the potato chips I consumed while watching this. . . whatever it is, I have grown.

An ass.

A Pad of Deceit

There is some serious lying happening this week on the ol’ pad of bachelor.

Ed can’t wrap his drunk brain around it.

Host Chris Harrison interrupts the binge drinking with instructions to the remaining 14 love-seekers that they must fill out surveys in preparation for the next day’s challenge. “Be honest,” he warns the pad of liars and disappears on a flying rose.

Next day, the participants play a gameshow mash up. The first round deals with questions about love and romance although the majority of the questions are about Bachelor history.

“On which Bachelor did one contestant take a dump in the hot tub?”

The second round deals with the contestants guessing which Bachelor Pad contestant said something awful about someone else on the show. Jamie digs her own grave by admitting she wants to sleep with Chris B., Blakely’s partner and thinks Jaclyn is a lying slutball (paraphrase).

Jaclyn and Ed win an immunity rose and one-on-one dates. Rachel and Dave each get one elimination vote cast against them.

Jaclyn picks Ed to go on a date, which causes him to lose out on his own individual date. They drunkily run around Dodger Stadium.

Jaclyn receives a love note from the Bachelor Pad producers that she can give an immunity rose to another guy who will get to go on a one-on-one date of his choice. Ed talks Jaclyn into giving Chris B. the rose because Chris B. is Ed’s BFF and Ed totally trusts him and this should not end in heartbreak.

Meanwhile Chris B. hates both his partner Blakely and Jamie, the woman he keeps accidentally falling into with his lips. Blakely wants reassurance that Chris will stick it out with her to the end.

That someone is Jamie. Chris voiceovers that he hates how she’s always bothering and coming up to him as the camera follows him wandering through the house looking for her. They get into bed because he hates her so much and make out in a hateful fashion. Jamie wants to talk about their first days of lurve when she snapped her throng in his direction, and Chris wants Jamie to remain mute because he is so swell.

Jamie is so in lurve. She thinks Chris has all the qualities she’s looking for in a husband so I guess that means shitball brains, an even shitballier personality and no self-awareness. She just gushes and gushes, but I mean can you blame her?

Chris B. pulls a super dick move and invites Sarah on the date. He tells Jamie he’s just trying to protect her from Blakely’s wrath while telling us that he’s trading in his used cars for a shiny new vagina.

Chris B. and Sarah go on an action date, and it’s suppose to mean that they’re filming a scene for an action movie, but Chris’s peen also gets some Sarah action.

Chris and Sarah stay overnight while Jamie tells everyone how much she loves Chris and hopes he had a nice time, but missed her. Yeesh.

Voting time. Super fan Dave knows he’s on the chopping block because he already has a vote against him so he tries to corral some women into voting for Nick.

Wait, who?

I know! I didn’t think so either.

Chris B. wants to vote for Blakely while the rest of his alliance are gunning for Jamie. Chris B. explains to ringleader Michael that he wants Blakely to go because he will be able to persuade Sarah and Jamie with his cock into keeping him around longer. Michael’s all like “Oh no, he didn’t.”

Chris’s bestie Ed is trying to talk sense into Chris, telling him he doesn’t have the votes or support from the alliance and his cock might go down in flames.

Ed tells Chris that Kalon just told Ed he’s voting for Jamie although he told Chris he was voting for Blakely. Chris explains lying is part of the game, and Ed is just shocked. Shocked! Lying on Bachelor Pad? Herpes, sure, but lying!?!

During this exchange the music is very dramatic almost as if they were discussing how to handle tense negotiations with the terrorists over at Big Brother MCVII.

Chris goes and gathers Kalon to convince Ed to vote off Blakely.

They circle jerk it for awhile and decide they’ll all vote for Jamie.

Blakely interviews if she’s here tomorrow “I’m going to donkey punch Chris in the throat.”

Damn you, Bachelor Pad for actually making me like a contestant for two seconds.

At the rose ceremony, David and Jamie get voted off. Chris feels betrayed. His bestie and second bestie lied! To him!!! Lied! Even though Chris himself said lying was part of the game, he just meant he could play that way.

Jamie basically calls him a creep and says she doesn’t like the way he treats people. He gets very defensive making Pee-Wee Herman’s response of “I know you are, but what am I?” seem the height of maturity.

Unfortunately no donkey-punching ensues, but Blakely predicts Chris will be the next one out.

So take one last look, ladies.

Fifty Shades Grossed Out (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 201-250)

Ah yes, pages 201 to 250 of Fifty Shades Freed, how I hate you.

Heads up, gentle reader. This was the expression I had almost the entire time I read this passage:

Fucking hell?

The only time I was not making this face was when I was rolling my eyes. Yeah, you heard right Christian Grey, I was rolling my eyes. I’d like to try to see you spank me.

Another thing, gentle reader, I’ve given poor Goofy and Hugo a break this recrap. They have yet to fully recover from actually reading part of the book. Or it could be they are hidden away in a storage container while strangers traipse through the house we’re trying to sell. For some reason, a half-man puppet sticking Play-doh vaginal balls into a blue bunny is not a strong selling point.

We left it at Ana promising Christian she would entertain her friend Kate at their apartment while he’s out of town. (For previous recraps, please visit here) And that’s what she does.

Sike!

Kate swings by, scoops Ana up in a “Kate hug”–whatever the fuck that is–and they go out to drink their weight in strawberry mojitos.

Ana, of course, hasn’t eaten all day because she subsists on the scent of Christian’s body wash.

Ana brings her security team, Sawyer of the first name Luke and “Miss Belinda Prescott.” I am unsure why we are being introduced to the character in this fashion, but it’s great and by great, I mean I would like to squeeze my neck in a vice.

Kate mentions the additional security is driving the rest of the Greys crazy. Ana’s all like “The what, who now?” Ana’s been kept in the dark. This is because of Jack Hyde, Kate explains, and then they have a completely incongruous conversation.

“‘What about Jack? I thought he was just after Christian,’ I gasp. Jeez. Why hasn’t he told me?

‘Since Monday,’ Kate says.”

Huh? Ana’s not the only who doesn’t know what’s going on.

What should we do for dinner?

Since Tuesday.

Ana surges with anger as she learns from Kate that this all hinges on information on Jack’s computer. She gets up to go angry-pee and Miss Belinda Prescott follows disapprovingly behind. Ana mutters “wordlessly” how she hasn’t been out on her own since the wedding, to Miss Belinda Prescott. So I guess she muttered it in the manner of a Charlie Brown teacher. “Wah-wah wah. Wah-Wah. Wah-wah-wah.”

They drop Kate off. Ana figures Christian knows about her broken promise, and will be mad, but relishes the thought of him punishing her:

Yep. Making this face. Right now.

Christian has called five times and sent her an email:

 

She texts him back: “Kate kept me on my leash and I did not dig in the neighbor’s trash can like last time. Please don’t be mad. LOL.”

When the elevator doors open, Ana knows something is wrong. The foyer table is overturned and the flower vase is broken. Now this is significant because in Fifty Shades Darker, Ana noticed the vase of flowers was missing, and now it’s here and broken so…yeah I’ve got nothing.

Do you think it means something that the vase was not there, but now it is?

Since Monday.

It’s a Code Blue people. Holy fuck! A Code Fuckin’ Blue. Security guy Ryan has knocked Jack Hyde unconscious. Ana also doesn’t know Ryan’s first name. Fuck! Code Blue, people. Ana doesn’t know something!

Ryan noticed Jack on the service elevator and gave him access to the apartment. Huh? That makes no sense. “That way I knew we’d have him.” Um…okay. What if he happened to have a bomb strapped to his body? Doesn’t matter.

Ryan needs something to tie Jack up, and Ana offers up some cable ties and then wants the floor to swallow her up. Me too, sister.

Jack brought a gun and roll of duct tape with him. Ana wants to call the police, but the security is waiting to hear from Christian via Taylor. Ana tries to call Christian and leaves a message, telling him first not be mad at her (!) and that everything’s okay. And then she demands they call the police.

Detective Clark barks questions at Ana. Ana feels sad. She wants “to crawl into (Christian’s) lap.”

Ooh yes. The face is back.

She sleeps in his T-shirt and on his side of the bed because it smells like an abusive sack of douche.

She wakes and sees Christian sitting in a chair by the bed. He’s weirdly rubbing one of his Twizzler-fingers back and forth over his lower lip. He’s pissed with a capital BOO.

“I am way, way beyond mad.”  Aw! So cute.

They go back and forth. “Don’t be mad” I’m mad” etc. She crawls into his lap, and my face takes on a familiar expression.  He smells of whiskey, body wash and a stuck half turd.

“‘I want to punish you,’ he whispers. ‘Really beat the shit out of you.'”

Awwww….wait, what? Seriously, WHAT?!?

Yo! Now would be the time to get off that mutherfucker’s lap and go pack!

“‘I know,’ I whisper as my scalp prickles.”

Ana goes back to sleep, comforted by the notion the he might hammer her skull in while she rests. She wakes up and Christian is there in a tank top damp with sweat from likely murdering a random woman and disposing her body somewhere. Oh, and he’s still mad. He is a fun dude.

He showers and Ana jumps in. She tries to rev his engine, but he warns “Don’t.” Ana thinks he doesn’t want me anymore. And Jesus Christ, this goddamned book™.

She begs him not to overreact. Overreact, he snarls, someone tries to kidnap my wife, and it wasn’t me?!?. . . “And all because you can’t follow a simple, fucking request.” I don’t know how Jack’s break-in is connected to Ana’s night out with Kate, but maybe that’s because I’m not a fucktwit.

Later that morning, she tries to go into his office, but he has set up an invisible fence, and she gets shocked, turning away dejectedly.

She leaves for work, whispering “Don’t hate me.” Too late. Oh, you were talking to Christian. He doesn’t hate her, and then forcibly grabs her face and jams his tongue down her throat. After extracting a tonsil stone, he pushes her away and calls for security.

At work, Ana begins to wonder if Christian flew home early because of the break-in or because she went out with Kate. If it’s the latter, he’s a fargin psycho, she paraphrases. “Okay, I’m glad he’s back so maybe that’s irrelevant.”

Goddamnit! For two seconds, you almost sounded like a normal human being. Then you go and ruin it because “Hallelujah my man has returned!”

She emails Christian to find out what time he decided to fly back, and he’s all cagey, and by cagey, I mean a stinky fartface. She finally emails him a long diatribe saying she’s not a child–apart from the crawling in his lap, asking for his permission and behaving like a child in all manner and ways–and she’s pissed too.

When she arrives home, she sees Christian wearing his red-room-of-pain jeans, and Ana’s mouth dries out like my will to live. He’s still mad. So-weet! He’s mad she “defied him.” Whole bullshit thing about how he worried he would hurt her and she knew he never would, and where is it? Oh yes:

This is the man women are pining for? This guy?!?

Ana gets him to divulge a bit about the information contained on Jack’s hard drive. Files about his family and borrrinnnngg. Enough talk, Christian pricks, have you eaten? Of course not, but she did huff his underwear this morning so that carried her through the day. He decides to blindfold her and feed her. He spits wine into her mouth (yum?) followed by bits of lamb and humus and it’s sooooo…fucking unnecessary.

He refers to himself as “Fifty Shades, baby” when she describes him for the umpteenth time as mercurial. And yes, the face is happening even as I type this.

They go into the playroom–and Jesus Christ this recrap is long–and he nails her to the cross. Oops, I mean he handcuffs her to the cross in preparation for nailing. She’s blindfolded again and naked. He tweaks her parts until she’s about burst and stops. She mewls.

I’m two seconds away from dry heaving.

He keeps doing that, bringing her to the edge of climaxing and then stopping. After the tenth time (and believe me, we experience all 10 times), it dawns on Ana he’s doing this to punish her so she says the safe word “twat taco” and starts sobbing.

He’s like “My bad.” He says orgasm denial is a standard tool…and doesn’t continue. A standard tool committed by major tools? She said he has to stop trying to treat her like his submissive. He’s like a-derp.

That’s it for now. I have permanent wrinkles from my continual scowl.

Fifty Shades Freed: The Twatsausage edition (pgs. 151-200)

Ah twatsausage.

Does that sum up pages 151 to 200 of Fifty Shades Freed? Because it should. It’s a sheep-intestine casing stuffed entirely with pig anuses, chicken bladders and rat feces, and although it is served with fried peppers and onions, it still tastes like the worst book ever written.

(For previous segments of twatsausage, click here)

Let’s carry on.

Ana’s still pissy about the name change conversation. She pouts in the car on the way home. She notes Christian has “floppy sex hair.” Oh my god, I can’t even… She mutters he needs a haircut and stomps onto the elevator.

Why you mad baby? Christian mutter croons. Because I gave in to your demands like I do every time only this time I’m going to stay upset until you stick your fingers inside me and order me to come on command, Ana says. She downs a glass of wine.

“‘Don’t be mad. You’re so precious to me. Like a priceless asset, like a child,’ he whispers, a somber reverent expression on his face.”

Instead of saying WTF did you just call me? I’m either a thing or a baby? You are a sick motherfucker, Ana gets distracted by the words “precious” and “like a child” and thinks Christian is up for making a baby. I just split my head open with an ax.

They need to stop talking because Gia, the whore architect, is stopping by with her whorish designs for their new house. Christian says if she’s still mad, she can take it out on him in bed. What? Bed? How? Ana dumb-thinks. Here is my suggestion: smother him to death with a pillow made out of butt plugs.

She prepares for Gia’s visit. Her inner goddess gets out her harlot-red nail polish. I don’t believe Gia can see that, but okay. You go grrll and other meaningless platitudes. Ana plops her boobs out of her shirt, puts on lots of mascara and brushes her hair vigorously so it’s a “chestnut haze” around her head. It doesn’t say, but I’m guessing Ana also dropped some acid.

She meets Christian in the “great room” (great description E.L. James. Is the “little room” next door?). Gia shows up. She yowls and rubs her lady bits against the couch and pees outside the litter box. Ana sprays her with a squirt bottle, and loops her arm around Christian’s waist, giving his ass a squeeze.

There is some stupidness about Ana feeling she and Christian are on a team versus Gia and her exposed perineum. Ana’s inner goddess even gets in on the action, donning a gladiatrix outfit. If only Gia were an actual lion and ate them. While Ana’s getting Gia a glass of dry white wine–Shit! Sauvignon blanc–that’s dry white, isn’t it? Ana dumbs–Gia touches Christian’s arm. GASP! Christian flinches because childhood trauma, and Ana pretends she doesn’t like Gia because she makes Christian uncomfortable rather than because Ana hates the entirety of womenkind.

Christian’s henchman Taylor needs Christian for some urgent made-up business, leaving Ana alone to have some words with Gia over her “eye-fucking” Christian. She is so empowered. Keep your hands off my man, ho, Ana waves her finger in Gia’s face. She throws a chair and is restrained by Steve, the big burly security guard on The Jerry Springer Show. Gia begins stuttering and floundering and yeesh. Ana relaxes for the first time, and My inner goddess is celebrating her inner bitch.

Insert sound of record scratch.

I’m sorry. . . her what, now? Ana’s inner goddess has an inner thingy too? It’s like Ana’s a Russian nesting doll.

This…I… uh..I…yeah, okay I’m done.

Oh Jesus, you guys are broken. I’m so so sorry. We just have a few pages left. I’ll take it from here.

Christian leaves for New York. Ana plans to go out with Kate although she feels a piece of her is missing. Yes that would his dong constantly in your vag. He calls to say he got in okay, and wonders what she will be doing with Kate. He wants her to stay at the apartment chained to the radiator. Please let (!) me go out! Ana dumb-thinks. He says “No. Finish your homework and no watching TV after 7 p.m.” She acquiesces because she sucks.

Stay tuned for the next helping of twatsausage.

Fifty Shades Frogurt (Fifty Shades Freed: 101-150)

I have no strength to write a crafty opener to introduce pages 101 to 150 of Fifty Shades Frogurt, but let’s be honest have any of my openers been crafty? More like crappy, amirite. Up top, subconscious. (For previous recraps of crap, click here)

When we last left our “heroes,” they were being followed by some random car. They still are. Christian Grey is being kept up to date on the car’s location by his henchman Sawyer while Ana floors it. Ana is confused because Christian keeps saying “Luke.” Ana’s all like “Wha?”

“That’s his name.”

“Luke Sawyer?” Ana dumbs, and at this point even Christian hates her. Then Ana dumb-thinks How did I not know his first name?–during a high-speed car chase no less. Christian refrains from grabbing the wheel and driving off a precipice out of irritation and instead directs Ana to a parking garage. He points to a space, and Ana dumb-thinks Shit! He wants me to park it. Crap! What does she normally do? Stick it in neutral and jump? Jesus christ, this goddamned book.

They lose their pursuer, and that makes them want sexy-time so Christian fills up Ana’s tank. After, Ana feels drained and she “mewl(s).” Ugh.

The Greys learn their pursuer is female. Any moment, I expect to read how Ana is jealous of her. Christian sets his mouth in a thin, angry line and Ana tries to give him a hand job. He stops her hand because he doesn’t want to have an accident. Cool, calm, authoritative. . . My Fifty. And for the first time in a while he makes me feel like a wayward child. Gentle reader, do you mind if we pause?

Ana says she feels like a child because she can’t continue her hand job.

They arrive home. Christian wonders if he should fuck Ana on top of the car when a sleek BMW pulls into the garage. A young guy gets out and Ana says he looks like he works in media. What is he wearing a fedora with “PRESS” tucked in the brim? Media guy, who introduces himself as Noah Logan and who cares, flushes when he shakes Ana’s hand. Why is no one normal in these books.

Christian tells Ana she has another admirer–derp–and Ana rolls her eyes. Uh-oh, spanky time and I really think the majority of the punishment is being meted out on me. Ana wants it rough.

So now we’re in the red room of pain. Ana notes its Pledgy-vagina aura. For some reason E.L. James thinks it’s necessary to describe Ana listening to Christian set clothes and shoes on the floor…seriously, she spends a whole paragraph on this. It is hot as fungus. Speaking of fungus, Christian sticks his fingers in Ana, spreads their mix of bodily fluids all over her butt and then sticks his fingers inside her again. There is a reason doctors tell women to wipe from front to back. We will not get into it here because I love you.

Then Christian puts a plug up her butt.

After, Ana wonders who cleans the butt plugs. Either Christian or Mrs. Jones. I would have liked to see how that was broached with Mrs. Jones. “Mrs. Jones, I like my coffee black and my butt plugs sparkling. When can you start?”

We learn Ana and Christian have had a past argument about Ana returning to work. Ana is now an editor rather than acting editor, which makes sense since she was an acting editor for little less than a month before taking a three-week hiatus to get married. I got married during my stint as a reporter and my bosses made me Queen of the newspaper during that time. It came with a sash and everything. She’s not changing her name at work and hasn’t told Christian yet. That should go over well.

Ana uploads pictures from the new Nikon camera she bought Christian and discovers he’s taken thousands of pictures of her sleeping. That would make a great slideshow of their vacation. Here is Ana drooling. Now here is when Ana farts a few times. Here’s Ana sucking her thumb (and that actually is true. I enjoy how E.L. James constantly infantilizes Ana, and by enjoy, I mean I wish I could gargle Drano). She becomes overwhelmed by her feelings for Christian and thinks about all the stupid implausible plot points E.L. James has shoved between the acts of butt plugery and has to see Christian immediately. She bursts into his office while he’s on the phone trying to get security tape enhanced so he can see who set fire to the server room. Ana knows who it is: Jack Hyde.

Da-da-dumb!

Christian is jealous that Ana recognized him from the “line of his jaw,” and seriously I’m kind of with him because what the fuck does that mean? The guy on the other end says they still have the contents of Jack’s hard drive. Ana wants to know what’s on it. Something about Christian, but he won’t tell her what because he’s a withholding butt munch. 

They eat dinner–some twaffle waffle about Ana being barefoot in the kitchen, but Christian hopes not pregnant because he doesn’t want “to share her”–they bore me with architectural plans, and now watch TV, which Christian hates and I didn’t think it was possible to dislike him more. Ana wants to make out. Christian never has, and then creepily wants a complete accounting of all the guys who felt up Ana. I would rather read a detailed history of the Crusades.  Jesus, dude, she married you, okay, and has agreed to be your living Barbie Doll. Lighten the fuck up.

He sticks his fingers in her and makes her taste it. Awesome. “I’m like a starving man at a banquet when it comes to your touch,” he cheeses. He hauls off her top. Ana’s naked beneath it. Seriously? You mean she’s not wearing 400 undershirts? Jesus christ, this goddamned book. I would not be surprised to read My body involuntarily eliminates waste. 

They do it.

Next day, Christian drops off Ana sans butt plug at the publishing company. She encounters her assistant Hannah who is “tall, slim and ruthlessly efficient” so Ana basically hates her. Hannah gets Ana a latte–“the only coffee I let her get me.” Honestly, why is this in here? This offers nothing and I know that pretty much every word in this book offers nothing, but I’m getting a little upset by these meaningless asides of stupidity. The tablecloth in my dining room is yellow.

Ana gets an email from Christian since it’s been three minutes since he’s taken her rectal temperature. He knows she is going by Steele rather than Grey. She emails she’ll explain everything later. And that should be enough to placate him, right?

Wrong, he shows up at her work, shooting her “a blazing look” of douchery. He ssss the Steele in her name like Harry Potter speaking in parseltongue (Oh J.K., I miss you). He farts something about his assets needing rebranding. I am not a freaking asset! Ana yell-thinks, but doesn’t say because, god forbid, she shows a backbone. It goes on for an eternity. Ana tries to reason with him saying she had no idea he would buy the company she worked for and now it makes things a little squiggly for her since she’s married to The Man. He wants everyone to know she is his and the wedding bands and wedding butt plugs are not enough.

He says: “I want your world to begin and end with me.” Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if this book ends with a murder/suicide; Ana’s murder, my suicide.

Here’s how that whole name-change discussion went down between me and my then fiancé.

Me: I’m keeping my name.

Mr. Speaker7: Okay.

Me: On second thought, I’m going to take your name.

Mr. Speaker7: Okay.

Blah, blah, blah Christian is going to change the name of the company to Grey Publishing and give it to Ana so that will make it weird since her last name is Steele, he makes up on the spot.

But I’m not a shitbag like you, Ana says. You read, Christian counters. And then Christians wants to stick his shitbag dong in her and Ana cringes “Not here. You can fuck me seven shades of Sunday this evening.”

Jesus christ, this goddamned book.