Sex and the City

Confessions of a Non Shopaholic

I am a woman so therefore I like “woman” things, according to them.

I like to substitute actual dessert with shitty, chemical-laced low-fat yogurt bearing the same name of the actual dessert.

yoplaitI like to have old white men with shriveled balls control my family planning.

abortioncrusadersI’ve watched Sex and The City so I know I’m supposed to love expensive shoes, mindless consumerism, and two horrible movies, but I don’t. I fucking hate shoes.

I get the necessity of them. They’re helpful when walking on broken glass, hypodermic needles and tar balls of gonorrhea. They conceal hairy toes, yellowed toenails, and feet stench (not mine…a friend’s). They assist when kicking a ball or a nutsack.

But I just don’t get the shoe-shopping fetish that has been ascribed to women ever since Cinderella screwed her foot into a glass slipper and married a dolt.

The shoes are mostly uncomfortable, yes? I can’t be the only one who experiences the sensation my toes are merging into one when I cram a high heel onto my foot and proceed to trot-wobble around like a newly-born foal. They also seem to be made on the cheap. When I picked up a slingback, it disintegrated into a pile of insulation, sawdust and the tears of the seven-year-old who made it.*

*This is a lie because it would mean I would have to know what the fuck a slingback is and that I’ve also gone shoe-shopping in the last decade.

Shoe-shopping is on par with making a sandwich at the beach without plates, and attending weekend-long dance recitals not starring your child.

The trouble is, I need to go shoe-shopping. Like me, my shoes are falling apart. It became apparent when I mistakenly left a pair of shoes at the gym, and they went untouched for a month. I figured if they were pretty good shoes, someone would have walked away with them–literally.

But they were these:

oldshoes

I’ve worn these for over the last five years. These shoes are the worst shoes because they have no back to them yet I wear them in the winter, during rainstorms, mud tornadoes, etc. because I am a moron. They slip on easily and I guess I can’t be bothered to spend that extra millisecond wedging my heel into a shoe.

I used to have other “dressy” shoes for work, but they’re in even worse condition and/or lost because I can’t be bothered to look in my closet.

I nearly left these shoes, but I do have a wedding coming up.

I do have my “summer” shoes:

wornoutshoes

They’ve taken on the appearance of a roadside attraction in central Florida.

And I own a pair of sneakers for Zumba. They are currently caked in grass snippets because I mowed a wet lawn in them when I had mistakenly left my “dressy” shoes at the gym.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again

Texas Gov. Rick Perry is known for saying controversial things like printing money is almost treasonous and the BP oil spill was an act of God. But he might be onto something with the whole Texas secession thing. At a tea party rally, Perry suggested that was a possibility because he was pandering to the crowd believed the federal government was out of control with something or other…I can only listen to politicians for so long, people. I’m not a super human. But I know a better reason:  Most Eligible: Dallas

This is a new “reality” show on Bravo. It “stars” “people” who all think they are Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City.  I watched episode 3 yesterday. I first consulted a dictionary to see if the definitions of “most” and “eligible” had changed. No, they still mean the same things…hmmm….confusing.

Shots of cityscape. A horse scratches its leg.

A horse scratches its leg

This is the most interesting moment in the show

Two people talk on the phone. We only get to see one of them. She is Carrie/Courtney and she is in bed and watches herself in the mirror while she talks to Neill. Her name is spelled out in giant letters above the mirror. This is more out of necessity then vanity when one considers the amount of alcohol she is shown consuming in an episode. Carrie/Courtney has called this summit because she slurred some things at Neill the previous evening. She hangs up the phone with a “And that’s how it’s done” and flings open her closet with an “It’s on bitches.” I’m glad she understands what’s going on.

I miss that horse.

Moving on to Matt. He is eating with an underling. Suddenly Holly shows up, conveniently wearing a wireless mic pack and all a pandemonium breaks loose. Here is their conversation:

“Long day,” Matt exhales

“How’s work?” Holly asks

“Lots of good things going on, but sometimes a bit overwhelming, you know. Don’t you feel like that? You’ve got a lot going on too,” Matt pries.

“I do except I’m going on vacation. I’ve so much to do,” Holly breathlessly confesses. A waiter sets down a parfait. “That looks good.”

“You’re going to love that,” Matt observes. “So you’ve been traveling for a little bit, but now you’re going to be here.”

“You’re always out of town,” Holly retorts.

“I know, I know, but that’s because I don’t have anything holding me down now,” Matt quips. “I’d like there to be more. What are you looking for? What’s on your agenda coming up?”

“I’m just taking it easy day by day,” Holly drones. “I’m not real thinking too much into the future right now.”

“That is so refreshing to hear that,” Matt platitudes. “I feel like I never hear that from anybody anymore.”

That is some good TV right there. I’m not sure, but I think I might have had a more compelling conversation with my 17-month-old son yesterday while watching traffic. You be the judge.

“Look, it’s a truck. Biggggggggg truck!”

“Uck!”

“Ooohhhh! Did you see that? That car had a doggie”

“Me-ow”

“No, doggie goes ‘ruff, ruff, ruff.'”

“Uck!”

“So what are you looking for, what’s on your agenda coming up?”

“Pffttttttt!”

Matt says he’s not ready for commitment. The human race says “thank you.”

Carrie/Courtney and Neill summit is on bitches! Neill has a child. They wear matching fedoras. Carrie/Courtney shows up wearing a giant red tablecloth. She needs herself some wine…as do I at this point. Where is that horse? I need me some horse.

Here is that horse from a different angle. Let’s look at the horse while Carrie/Courtney speaks. It’s so much better.

Horse scratches itself

Don't pay attention to the drunk tablecloth. Just look at me.

We move ahead to Carrie/Courtney, Matt and Glenn at brunch. Carrie/Courtney brings up some cancer charity event. Cancer patients say “That’s okay. We’re doing fine. We really don’t need any help…from you….ever.” C/C has signed up Matt and Glenn to be auctioned off. They will wear shirts that say “Ask me about my package” because it’s a date package. Those are some lucky women. Someone says “This is going to be interesting” and that someone is not me.

C/C is with a blow-up doll at a nail salon. Oh, the blow-up doll is a human named Tara. That’s a neat twist. Tara Doll is dating Jody who shows up for no discernible reason. Oh dear Christ, he has a white soul patch. I’m done…

Other things that happen….Glenn rips off his shirt at the date auction. Carrie/Courtney drinks. Tara Doll claims she’s picky and goes out on a date with a turd. Carrie/Courtney would love to be a mom(!?!). Matt goes on a date with MJ, calls the waiter “buddy” and asks for the restaurant’s most eligible drinks. The waiter sets down a glass filled with a hunk of pink insulation and pours Windex over it. Unfortunately they survive.

The horse is not shown again.