ryan gosling

The Sexiest Blog Alive!

I have been experiencing insomnia, but it will stop because I now know People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive.”

It has placed its honor on a big bag of spit.

No, that can’t be right? Let me put on my reading glasses.

Bradley Cooper.

I wonder what criteria the magazine uses to make its selection? I tried to find the magazine’s masthead, but the overpowering smell of perfume ads knocked me out for 20 minutes so I abandoned my quest.

There’s lots of men out there, like, over a thousand or something so what made Brad Cooper stand out? I read the interview. He has teeth and two eyes. He eats 2,000 calories a day. He’s half-Italian and uses something like Rogaine, because “nothing’s worse than hair that’s not thick enough.” He laughs when people trip and fall. He likes necks, feet, hands and backs.

I looked up “sexy” in the dictionary to make sure it still had the same definition. It still means to be appealing.

Hmm.

I am beyond shocked that my idea of sexy conflicts with People magazine’s idea of sexy. It also thinks Simon Cowell is sexy when he says things like: “I get bored very quickly.”

I feel the same way when watching The X Factor.

Who is to say which sexy is the right sexy or the wrong sexy? (Answer: me)

I think the sound of wet dog food plopping into a metallic bowl is sexy. Nothing is hotter than band-aids . . . or Cheeto-stained fingers for that matter. I also like a good canteen.

My husband and I have an agreement. We have a list of five famous people we can–to use the parlance of Frank Reynolds–bang without there being any repercussions.

This is my list: Vladmir Putin, Dick Cheney, Voldemort, Montgomery Burns and Zac Efron. What can I say? I like my men bald and evil.

So yes there clearly is something horribly wrong with me so my halfhearted response (I clapped only with my left hand and it sounded like a tree falling on a bear shitting in the woods) in seeing Bradley Cooper on the cover is to be expected.

Sure Bradley Cooper has kind of a douchey vibe, but I’m not going to get all riled up and go protest something that is basically a giant marketing scam to get people to buy magazines and go to movies because who would do that? … Oh right, these people:

That is the sexiest protesting alive.

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