We’re All With Stupid

Ashton Kutcher is a well-paid moron.

Yup.

This is fact, and therefore makes about as interesting a news story as gravity keeping us from floating all around and people being created 6,000 years ago by Xenu, the dinosaur engram.

Yet there are a bunch of news stories circulating about Ashton Kutcher, aka a well-paid moron, tweeting something moronic on Twitter.

The fact that a well-paid moron, aka Ashton Kutcher, would have only a cursory understanding of one of the most horrifyingly horrible-beyond-horror-in-its-complete-and-utter-wrongness new stories, is not news.

Because he is an idiot. And yet he is now a featured star in this sordid, I-will-never-get-my-eyeballs-clean-from-reading-the-grand-jury-report, mess.

A Google search of “ashton kutcher penn state” returns almost 1 million results whereas the phrase “speaker7 for president” returns nothing. Where is the justice? (Yes, I understand that by writing this, I will be only adding to Ashton’s Google result count, but now at least there might be one result for “speaker7 for president.” And if I became president, I would immediately dissolve three federal agencies: the education department, the commerce department and .  . . um. . . that other one….right, the Twitter department)

Seeing these stories about Ashton Kutcher almost make me mad enough to tip over a news van and chant the name of a football coach who pretty much gave tacit approval to someone in his employ to rape many, many vulnerable, defenseless children. Almost–I would never do something so bewilderingly moronic.

Admittedly I don’t follow Ashton Kutcher on Twitter. I don’t follow anyone on Twitter because I don’t understand it and I waste enough time on the Internet as it is. But I guess Mr. Kutcher will now have some PR firm vetting his tweets as if he was reporting from the Hindu Kush mountain range with the 2nd Ranger Battalion.

Mr. Kutcher feels “responsible to deliver informed opinions” to his 8 million followers.

I wonder how the PR firm will transform such bon mots of misinformation as #Twoandahalfmen the party starts now on the East Coast? Possibly #Twoandahalfman is a party I never want to attend on the East Coast?

We shall see.

Update speaker7.wordpress.com is now being vetted by a PR firm.

The World Ends Today

I don’t really know the point of working on this post since the world is ending today. There’s a 67 percent chance the world will end before I even finish this sentence.

Should I even bother with a drawing? It takes actually drawing something and then scanning it and then putting it in photoshop then uploading it. The world could end during any of these steps.

I’m going to put this instead:

This is Donald Trump with Rick Perry’s hair. I didn’t know how to work it into my last post. Since the world is ending I figured I should use it now.

I would also like to show this:

This is Rick Perry with Donald Trump's hair. I also saw no way to use it in the last post. Now here it is for you to enjoy on your last day on earth.

Whew…I now feel like I wrapped up everything that I should have. . . although I probably should have tried to snag at least one Reese peanut butter cup from the king-size pack before my husband ate them all. It would have been nice to explode or whatever happens during end times with the taste of chocolatey peanut butter in my mouth.

You might be asking (if you have time to ask because the world could end now. Or now. Or right now. ….oorrrrrrr now) how do I know the world is ending? The Today show told me.

It seem appropriate that I would write my last post about the Today show since most of my posts are about the Today show. We had a good run, my friend. I loved all those times you sucked.

The female anchorbots who all look alike had a story about Harold Camping. He’s a 90-year-old preacher who likes to predict Armageddon. He has done it three times, the most recent being today. He said the end would come very quietly.

That’s nice.

I would be disappointed if the end turned out to be just like a terrible Michael Bay movie.

The female anchorbots laughed and laughed about this. They made “funny” “jokes” like:

“If I go out of focus, you’ll know my cameraman’s  just been raptured”

and

“I hope his track record continues”

Bwhahahahahahahahaha! Funny stuff, except aren’t you the very ones giving this giant goofball attention? He could say his crazy predictions on his little radio station, and his listeners could cash in their 401ks to buy big boxes of wine and that would be that. But you have given this story national significance. . . so now I think Harry Camping may have a point.

Especially since later in the show,  you spotlighted the most popular Halloween costumes. The most popular are the “Charlie Sheen” complete with a bottle of tiger’s blood and the “Anthony Weiner” complete with a giant prosthetic penis.

If that doesn’t foreshadow the end times, I don’t know what does….

Amazing Bargains and Values!

I think I might have mentioned in a previous post how much I love politics. There’s just something about millionaires and billionaires spending their millions and billions on an election, talking about how they came from sharecroppers and walked 400 miles each day to attend a hobo school in the wilderness where they had to gnaw on sticks to make pencils, that just really causes my heart to soar.

I think I might have mentioned in a previous post how much I love organized religion. There’s just something about sky deity smackdowns that cause my soul to soar and crash into my heart.

But when the two mix? Oh, sweet jesus, that is some wonderful stuff. Just wonderstuff. And it’s happening right now, at a little lovefest called Values Voter Summit. This is where millionaires and billionaires talk about how much they are like Jesus Christ in order to win your vote.

Photograph taken from a U.S. History book approved by the Texas Board of Education

According to the Gospel of Grover, Jesus was a conservative Republican who traveled across the land preaching smaller government and free market with no regulations. “Then he cometh to the city of Galilee, and seeing the multitudes he went up into a mountain. And he opened his mouth and sayeth: Blessed are the job creators, for they shall inherit the wealth.” (Grover 2:2)

The Values Voter Summit is all about values. I learned this from the title. (gold star for Speaker7) There is no voter in America that is not a values voter, according to presidential hairpiece Rick Perry, it’s just some voters have kick ass values and others have suck values.

What are the kick ass values?

• saying “under God” in the pledge of allegiance. Newton Gingrich said he was running for dogcatcher because some court ruled that phrase unconstitutional. Thank god someone has his eye on the most important issue facing this nation. Whenever I hear it mumbled by a group of students in complete monotone, it brings a tear to my eye.

Suck value?

• not giving a sh*t about a nonissue that exists to misdirect Americans from noticing that wages for average workers has not increased in three decades.

There were many amazing things said by true followers of Jesus Christ that it’s almost impossible to contain my fingers while I type…they constantly seem to want to form number 1 signs especially the middle fingers.

Like when Rick Perry said: “You know, some hold this worldview that government must be central in our – in our lives and serve as our caretaker. They seek more than equal opportunity, they seek equal outcomes” which is conservative code for share the wealth. And this means these haters don’t believe in American exceptionalism in the sense that it is so exceptional to get a $20 million bonus after letting multitudes of people’s pensions go in the toilet.

This reminded me of that famous Jesus parable, you know, the fishes and loaves? I will end my post with it:

“In those days the multitudes being very great, and having nothing to eat, Jesus called his disciples unto him, and saith unto them: ‘what is wrongeth with these multitudes, cannot they findeth a job to payeth for some foodeth?’ And the disciples answered ‘from whence can a man find a job and food here in the wilderness?’ And Jesus asked ‘How many loaves have ye?’ And they said ‘Seven.’ And he commanded his disciples to bring him the loaves. He took the seven loaves and crammethed them into his mouth. His disciples asked ‘what about all the others?’ Jesus wiped the crumbs from his mouth and replied ‘Fuck them.’ – (Grover 1:10-14)

The Siren Call of the GOP

I’m not exactly the most up on my political news mainly because whenever I hear politicians speak, I began convulsing and frothing at the mouth. That’s why I get most of my news from Bachelor Pad. But for some reason tonight, I hear the sweet siren call of the Republican presidential debate, and I am compelled to tune in for what likely will lead to a full-on seizure.

Republicans are fun. They wear flag lapel pins. They talk about freedom and come up with new names for French fries. They like guns, Jesus and fetuses, but babies not so much.

I am not registered with a political party, but I should probably let you know that I f****** hate the Republican Party. So if you are a subscriber who juices on Republican talking points, I suggest you read no further and refrain from commenting in the comment section about Obama being the Antichrist and Democrats are Nazi Socialists and I’m a liberal, bed-wetting, crybaby AntiChrist-loving pukeface even though all those things are true.

I am not a fan of the Democratic Party either. I’m completely disillusioned by this presidency and have no hope for the future, but I still hate them less than Republicans. Here’s my analogy: The Democratic Party is like that guy you date who is kind of blah and you believe there’s probably someone better, but you stick with the blah guy because at least he’s not that awful and he sometimes says nice things, but sometimes does things that are the complete antithesis of what he says. The Republican Party is like that guy who is a total f****** douchebag.

So, yeah, things are bleak. I’m mainly biding my time until I hear the words President Bristol Palin. But until then, let’s meet the next possible president of the United States. Squee!!!

The frontrunners:

Rick "I make George W. Bush look like a mensa candidate" Perry

 

 

 

 

Mittens Romney

Crazy Eyes

 

 

 

 

other candidates:

Rick Santorum

Ron Somethingorother, the media continues to pretend he is not real

Collective random awful guys

Okay, it’s on. And I’ve missed a significant portion of the beginning. It takes some time drawing these elaborate pictures. Here is what was said in the beginning by all the candidates…blah blah Ronald Reagan blahdebloo blahdeblee, hey you there, vote for me!

Now please read this substantive summary of what was said:

Rick S. – “I’m the best.” Jobs. His last name means this.

Pizza guy – eliminate tax code, 9-9-9 tax on everything. Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

Gov. Random Orange Face – China question. Booorrrrrrrr-iiinnnggggggggg.

Michele Bachmann – “Obamacare! Obamacare!” She went to restaurants. These restaurants aren’t hiring this one 17-year-old for a summer job. She raised 5 kids and 23 (!) foster kids. “Kids need jobs.” Clearly her kids do.

Ron Somethingorother – …

Juice Newton Gingrich  – Obama is a socialist and class warfarist. Check Newton out on Twitter, Newton is beloved on Twitter.

Mittens ala Orange Face- his polka-dot tie is hypnotizing me. I can’t concentrate on what he’s saying. He’s talking about ???

Rick P. -Those folks, focus on stuff, social security is a ponzi scheme *shit-eating grin*

Okay so I’m posting before the debate ends, but I’m confident it will end in this way blah blah Ronald Reagan blahdeblee blahdebloo, we are all doomed.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again

Texas Gov. Rick Perry is known for saying controversial things like printing money is almost treasonous and the BP oil spill was an act of God. But he might be onto something with the whole Texas secession thing. At a tea party rally, Perry suggested that was a possibility because he was pandering to the crowd believed the federal government was out of control with something or other…I can only listen to politicians for so long, people. I’m not a super human. But I know a better reason:  Most Eligible: Dallas

This is a new “reality” show on Bravo. It “stars” “people” who all think they are Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City.  I watched episode 3 yesterday. I first consulted a dictionary to see if the definitions of “most” and “eligible” had changed. No, they still mean the same things…hmmm….confusing.

Shots of cityscape. A horse scratches its leg.

This is the most interesting moment in the show

Two people talk on the phone. We only get to see one of them. She is Carrie/Courtney and she is in bed and watches herself in the mirror while she talks to Neill. Her name is spelled out in giant letters above the mirror. This is more out of necessity then vanity when one considers the amount of alcohol she is shown consuming in an episode. Carrie/Courtney has called this summit because she slurred some things at Neill the previous evening. She hangs up the phone with a “And that’s how it’s done” and flings open her closet with an “It’s on bitches.” I’m glad she understands what’s going on.

I miss that horse.

Moving on to Matt. He is eating with an underling. Suddenly Holly shows up, conveniently wearing a wireless mic pack and all a pandemonium breaks loose. Here is their conversation:

“Long day,” Matt exhales

“How’s work?” Holly asks

“Lots of good things going on, but sometimes a bit overwhelming, you know. Don’t you feel like that? You’ve got a lot going on too,” Matt pries.

“I do except I’m going on vacation. I’ve so much to do,” Holly breathlessly confesses. A waiter sets down a parfait. “That looks good.”

“You’re going to love that,” Matt observes. “So you’ve been traveling for a little bit, but now you’re going to be here.”

“You’re always out of town,” Holly retorts.

“I know, I know, but that’s because I don’t have anything holding me down now,” Matt quips. “I’d like there to be more. What are you looking for? What’s on your agenda coming up?”

“I’m just taking it easy day by day,” Holly drones. “I’m not real thinking too much into the future right now.”

“That is so refreshing to hear that,” Matt platitudes. “I feel like I never hear that from anybody anymore.”

That is some good TV right there. I’m not sure, but I think I might have had a more compelling conversation with my 17-month-old son yesterday while watching traffic. You be the judge.

“Look, it’s a truck. Biggggggggg truck!”

“Uck!”

“Ooohhhh! Did you see that? That car had a doggie”

“Me-ow”

“No, doggie goes ‘ruff, ruff, ruff.'”

“Uck!”

“So what are you looking for, what’s on your agenda coming up?”

“Pffttttttt!”

Matt says he’s not ready for commitment. The human race says “thank you.”

Carrie/Courtney and Neill summit is on bitches! Neill has a child. They wear matching fedoras. Carrie/Courtney shows up wearing a giant red tablecloth. She needs herself some wine…as do I at this point. Where is that horse? I need me some horse.

Here is that horse from a different angle. Let’s look at the horse while Carrie/Courtney speaks. It’s so much better.

Don't pay attention to the drunk tablecloth. Just look at me.

We move ahead to Carrie/Courtney, Matt and Glenn at brunch. Carrie/Courtney brings up some cancer charity event. Cancer patients say “That’s okay. We’re doing fine. We really don’t need any help…from you….ever.” C/C has signed up Matt and Glenn to be auctioned off. They will wear shirts that say “Ask me about my package” because it’s a date package. Those are some lucky women. Someone says “This is going to be interesting” and that someone is not me.

C/C is with a blow-up doll at a nail salon. Oh, the blow-up doll is a human named Tara. That’s a neat twist. Tara Doll is dating Jody who shows up for no discernible reason. Oh dear Christ, he has a white soul patch. I’m done…

Other things that happen….Glenn rips off his shirt at the date auction. Carrie/Courtney drinks. Tara Doll claims she’s picky and goes out on a date with a turd. Carrie/Courtney would love to be a mom(!?!). Matt goes on a date with MJ, calls the waiter “buddy” and asks for the restaurant’s most eligible drinks. The waiter sets down a glass filled with a hunk of pink insulation and pours Windex over it. Unfortunately they survive.

The horse is not shown again.