Please welcome the newsfeed baby!

Not only do I get to sift through friends’ platitudes– “Don’t Look Back. You’re Not Going That Way”–on my Facebook newsfeed, but now I can see what news articles they read on other websites.

This is great. I really wanted to know that people I know on the most superficial of levels are reading articles like “Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are expecting their 20th child” and “SeaWorld Orlando announces new attraction” (Apparently Shamu and Jim Bob Duggar are expecting their 20th hybrid whale-baby)

Facebook has hooked up with Yahoo! and created a newsfeed baby that is a half-brother to the baby created by Yahoo! and Jim Bob Duggar.

I don’t read Yahoo! News because the name itself invalidates everything placed on that page, but it’s basically the sign of the times to come. At some point, Facebook will intertwine directly with our brains and be able to post status updates  like:

I really don’t want random people…excuse me, my besties knowing what I search for and read on the Internet. I look up some weird sh*t on the Internet. For research, thank you very much Mr. FBI agent or Mrs. FBI Agent because I’m not sexist or Ms. FBI agent because you don’t have to be married. I have looked up adult baby syndrome several times. I also searched for information on Richard Simmons and his pom-pom tank top, which incidentally led to many sites on adult baby syndrome. I use search engines when I don’t know how to spell something like gonorrhea or Kim Kardashian. All for this blog.

All for you, readers.

Now the U.S. Supreme Court is hearing a case on whether it’s a-okay for the coppers to track your every move (unbeknownst to you, of course) through GPS. I read about this on Goofball! News. That GPS thing-a-mabob is not good. It touches on the Orvillian (coined for Orville Redenbacher who experimented with hybrid popcorn kernels). I really don’t want the local police to know that I stop at the local Rite-Aid several times to pick up adult diapers for the diaper parties I attend. For research. 

We are one step away from looking as bad as Bruce Willis did wearing that hair piece in Surrogates, a movie I’ve never seen due to spending time in active pursuits like searching adult baby syndrome on the Internet.

How do I know?

I read about it on Facebook.

Judge the pom-poms, not the pounds

I hate Entertainment Tonight.

It’s loud. It’s an assault on all the senses. It has “celebrities” who are unrecognizable.

But I was compelled to watch tonight. Why?

This:

Richard Simmons was weighing in about overweight actresses. I saw a commercial for this segment during the Dr. Oz show. Why was I watching the Dr. Oz show?  Well, when I was flipping through channels, I saw Dr. Oz throwing confetti at a woman holding a posterboard that read “mucous” and thought “This seems science-like.” The commercial for Richard Simmons’ appearance occurred between that and the segment where the woman dipped her hand into two different gallons of mucous. When she pulled her hand out of the thicker beaker of green goo, I began to think “Wait, what the f*** was Richard Simmons wearing?”

So I knew I had to watch it later. I had to slog through a never-before-seen Breaking Dawn exclusive where Taylor Lautner feigned acting in front of a green screen and some other random person said I could share my Twilight contribution to the Twilight time capsule, and I cut a little bit into my arm just so I could feel something.

I had to watch a Kohl’s commercial passed off as a segment on women wearing men’s clothing according to the trend guy(?), and the items of clothing were a sweater dress over tights and knee-high boots.

I had to watch them break down the power of Cher. They interviewed the Moviefone guy. He said. “If you’d like times for Footloose, press 1. Human Centipede 2, press 2.”

I had to listen to some woman screaming about old women dating baby men. Linda Evans from Dallas dated Yanni. She said she got plastic surgery because of it. “I was dating a man 20 years…..er….12 years younger,”  almost slipped, Linda, keep it together, she thinks to herself…and then I had to listen to John Mayer sing and I frantically looked for a silver-plated letter opener to jam into my ear to bring about peace.

But sweet relief…the Richard Simmons’ segment came on….and yes, he is wearing a black tank top covered in pom-poms. And I’m waiting for someone to ask “Okay, so what the f*** is up with the pom-poms?” Instead Richard Simmons is asked about overweight actresses.

“We judge people by the pound,” he says.

And the next logical follow-up question is clearly “Right, but what the f*** are you wearing?”

But it’s not. They talk a bit about actress Melissa McCarthy and Richard–wearing a black tank top covered in pom poms, I mean, it’s nearly impossible to discern the color of the tank top due to the amount of pom poms on it–says he would like to kiss her, and that when you make fun of yourself that’s okay, but when other people make fun of you it’s not.

So I guess the pom-pom covered tank top is a challenge? I don’t know.

All I know is after watching nearly 23 minutes of Entertainment Tonight, I would welcome sticking my head into a vat of mucous.