This Post Will Cost Me Followers

Holy Samoa!

The Girl Scouts are teaming up with Nestle to create Girl Scout candy bars. This is the beginning of a journey that will ultimately end with me being extracted from my house by a forklift.

The bars are inspired by my three favorite cookies: thin mints, tag alongs and samoas, also known as the devil cookie.

I have gained five pounds just from viewing this picture.

I don’t know about you, but when I rip open a box of thin mints, I don’t eat the suggested serving of 2 cookies, I eat the non suggested serving of 2 sleeves of cookies thereby enabling me to put the empty cardboard box in a recycling bin in a timely manner. I do this for the environment.

Since I like candy way more than cookies, I imagine I will be eating the weight of my house in thin mint bars. I am excited.

But do you know who isn’t excited?

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

They have launched an intensive inquiry into the Girl Scouts much in the same manner they left no stone unturned in the Catholic priest sex scandal.

Wait, am I remembering that correctly?

Oh right.

So that was sort of swept under the rug a tad, but now they’re making up for it by examining whether the ingestion of Do-Si-Dos causes abortions. I’m sure if they find a connection, the bishops will just move that box of Do-Si-Dos from one warehouse to another. Problem solved.

Bishop and evil identifier Kevin Rhoades wrote a letter to the Girl Scouts requesting the organization clarify whether or not its programming turns girls into dirty, dirty whores who like unmarried sex, condoms and community service, but hate babies (I’m paraphrasing).

I should add that the Girl Scouts is a secular organization not run by the Catholic Church so this investigation makes perfect sense just the way my investigation into whether or not the Catholic Church leadership is out of its gourd is getting the attention it deserves (The results just come back: Yes it is – evidence).

“There had been some complaints about the Scouts, and the bishops couldn’t turn a deaf ear,” said Sister Mary Ann Walsh, a spokeswoman for the bishops.

Oh yes, I remember that guy. He looked up stuff on the Internet and concluded that the Girl Scouts was a communist organization hell bent on propagating Planned Parenthood’s pro-abortion agenda by going hiking and camping.

Yes, never ignore someone who looks like this:

“I look completely normal, right?l”

“I think you do.”

Um…I have a few complaints so maybe the bishops would like to keep their non-deaf ears turned this way.

Ok so here’s just a few, granted they are not as serious as the programming of a youth organization that attempts to instill the values of honesty and friendship, but hear me out:

1. Why did the pope say condoms would make the AIDS crisis in Africa worse?
2. Why did the pope reinstate a bishop who believes Jewish people were not sent to the gas chamber during the Holocaust, and said this about women: “A woman can do a good imitation of handling ideas, but then she will not be thinking properly as a woman”?
3. Why did the pope criticize a group of nuns for focusing too much on poverty and economic injustice rather than focusing on cementing up lady parts, the root of all evil?

I’m sure you’ll get right on that.

Tag! You’re it! No I’m It! No you! Aww..I ain’t gonna play anymore.

Janie Has a Blog tagged me a few days ago. She hopes to find out information about me much in the same way biologist tag animals to discover such things as their migratory habits or favorite Real Housewife.

Since I’ve mainly been writing about turds, I thought this would make a nice diversion from my weekly routine, and will do everything in my power to make my answers turd-free (fyi–i am very weak and have very ineffectual power).

This game has rules:

1. You must post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them!

Here are the questions Janie asked:

1.) What is your biggest regret in life? Watching the movie Glitter

2.) What makes you angry? Thinking about the regret I feel from watching the movie Glitter.

3.) Are you capable of forgiving and forgetting? I forgot this question and I forgive myself for forgetting. 

4.) What do you consider the biggest fight you’ve ever had in your life? I had just moved from New Jersey to California because my mom got a new job. For some reason this group of guys begin targeting and bullying me. At the school dance, I decided to exact revenge. One of the guys was rolling a joint in the bathroom stall, and I surreptitiously snaked a hose over the top and let the water pour in. The gang caught up with me and almost gave me the beating of my life until they were stopped by the maintenance guy at my apartment complex who turned out to be a martial arts expert. Now that I think about, this is actually a scene from The Karate Kid.

5.) What is the ugliest part of your personality? I say outright lies to sway people to think a certain way…oh, wait I just turned into a politician for a second, sorry about that. My ugliest part of my personality is my giant butt. 

6.) Do you choose to see the best or the worst in people? Why? I’m incapable of seeing anything but turds. 

7.) Do you think other life forms exist in the universe? Yes..proof

8.) If God were to grant you a wish, what would it be? More ketchup

9.) What would you do if a stranger threw a spoon at you? (This happened to me!) Likely nothing at the moment, but I would give that stranger the Turd of the Week™ award.

10.) You are sky diving and you realize that you can’t open your parachute so, in a few moments you are about to die. What do you think would be your last thoughts? I wish I could post this on Facebook. 

11.) What will you do tomorrow? Throw a spoon at a stranger.

Here are the questions for the people I’m tagging

1.) Which member of the Backstreet Boys are you most like?

2.) What did Bruce Jenner do to his face?

3.) Please explain what a Kim Kardashian is and why anyone would know what a Kim Kardashian is?

4.) How doomed are we?

5.) Is Ryan Seacrest a robot or is he something less artificial?

6.) Why isn’t Rush Limbaugh kicked in the nuts daily?

7.) Which religion is correct?

8.) Can you think of someone who is worse than the current slate of Republican presidential candidates?

9.) Why do people enjoy the book Twilight?

10.) What’s up?

11.) How many Academy Awards will Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance win?

Here are the people I’m tagging:

Angie from Childhood Relived

Les from Best Bathroom Books

Life in the Boomer Lane

Becoming Cliche

Man of Errors

Nancy from Not Quite Old

Chris Sheridan of Word Play

Logyexpress

Elyse of Fifty Four and a Half

Lyssapants of Psychobabble

Gilly and Patrick of It Happens Every Day

A Turdendum

I held Darrell Issa’s hand the first time he got his period. He was worried.

“Am I going to die?” he asked through his tears. “I feel like I’m dying. The blood. The pain.”

“You’re not dying, you’re becoming a woman,” I answered.

“What does that mean?” he asked earnestly.

“Well, it means that you are able to have children of your own,” I said, wrapping an afghan around his shoulders and handing him a mug of chamomile tea to help ease the cramps. “Someday, you’ll fall in love, get married and then chair a government oversight committee that will try to deny basic health care to women under the guise that it is infringing on the religious beliefs of others.”

I was just kidding when I told him that so many years ago, but then this week, I realized Darrell took what I said to heart.

The fretful preteen who danced to Like a Virgin in my living room, banged a gavel and said the health care provision of mandating contraceptive coverage for women was akin to kicking God in the nuts (I’m paraphrasing).

“Women should be forced to have as many children until their uteruses or is it uteri? resemble beaten-up change purses made out of cheesecloth. And then they are put to sleep. It’s nature and religion. It’s naturally religious,” Darrell solemnly said.

Although I was appalled, I was happy that Darrell at least brought in male religious leaders who are the leading experts in women’s health to testify before his committee. Those with uteri were told to stay out of it. The experts said things like:

“Women–boo!!”

And:

“Obama–boo!!”

And:

“Jesus–yay!”

When asked about their comments, Jesus stated “I don’t know these guys, man.”

There is so much I don’t understand.

First, why did God kill Onan when Onan spilled his seed on the ground rather than in his brother’s wife (Genesis 38:9)?

Second, why is a woman unclean for seven days after giving birth to a male and unclean for two weeks after giving birth to a female (Leviticus)?

And lastly, why did I jump the gun on handing out my Turd of the Week™?  Please accept this turdendum.

And God said to the turds: "Be fruitful and increase in number."

Vultures are AMAZING.

While I roast some chestnuts on the fire and move the pieces of the Nativity scene around so that Mary is lying down because she just had a baby for cripes sake, I ponder what Christmas means to me.

I quickly become bored and open up my laptop and check Facebook where I discover what one of my “friends” thinks about Christmas.

There are many things that confuse me about this status update. First, why did I read the whole thing and then take a screen shot of it? And B, was Santa Claus, Rudolph and those Coke-swilling polar bears at Jesus’s birth? And second, does it really bother you when some underpaid, abused retail clerk mumbles “Happy Holidays” rather than making the sign of the cross and saying “HO HO HO Merry Christmas. . . is that what’s really ruining the holiday, not the people who pepper spray other people for a $2.95 Forever Lazy®? And lastly, why are you yelling? The yelling hurts my eyeballs.

Believe me, I would totally be on the same page with you if sh*t was going down like it did when Nero was Roman emperor, and Christians were torn apart by dogs and set on fire. That is some hardcore persecution right there. But this? Some person ringing up your FisherPrice Imaginext 2 Foot Dragon World Fortress™ at the local dollar store, mumbling “Happy Holidays” as s/he tries to avoid getting cancer from exposure to the products made out of asbestos and arsenic?  I don’t think your “persecution” is going to land you on the Christian martyr list.

Here’s the thing, “friend.” You can scream or write in caps lock “Merry Christmas” until your lungs burst or you have carpal tunnel and no one will really give a mistletoe sprig (well unless it’s at 4:30 a.m., but that’s why noise ordinances are enacted). That is because in America–for now–you are free to practice or not practice any religion you want. I don’t know if things will change now that the U.S. Senate has voted to allow the military to arrest Americans and detain them indefinitely.

Merry Christmas.

But as it stands if I want to practice the religion of Speaker7ism where I believe Speaker7 is omniscient and omnipresent then praise be to Speaker7.

Now I am by no means a history scholar, but I’ve been able to cobble together some knowledge from Snapple bottle caps, Chinese restaurant menus and the labels on Molson Canadian Light. I have learned that vultures can fly for six hours without flapping their wings and that the founding fathers did not want to repeat the problems in England by creating a state-sponsored religion. It never seems to go well for the people in the religious minority.

Really no one can take your belief away from you unless you let them. And your belief should be that Speaker7 is the light and the way.

Or else.

The World Ends Today

I don’t really know the point of working on this post since the world is ending today. There’s a 67 percent chance the world will end before I even finish this sentence.

Should I even bother with a drawing? It takes actually drawing something and then scanning it and then putting it in photoshop then uploading it. The world could end during any of these steps.

I’m going to put this instead:

This is Donald Trump with Rick Perry’s hair. I didn’t know how to work it into my last post. Since the world is ending I figured I should use it now.

I would also like to show this:

This is Rick Perry with Donald Trump's hair. I also saw no way to use it in the last post. Now here it is for you to enjoy on your last day on earth.

Whew…I now feel like I wrapped up everything that I should have. . . although I probably should have tried to snag at least one Reese peanut butter cup from the king-size pack before my husband ate them all. It would have been nice to explode or whatever happens during end times with the taste of chocolatey peanut butter in my mouth.

You might be asking (if you have time to ask because the world could end now. Or now. Or right now. ….oorrrrrrr now) how do I know the world is ending? The Today show told me.

It seem appropriate that I would write my last post about the Today show since most of my posts are about the Today show. We had a good run, my friend. I loved all those times you sucked.

The female anchorbots who all look alike had a story about Harold Camping. He’s a 90-year-old preacher who likes to predict Armageddon. He has done it three times, the most recent being today. He said the end would come very quietly.

That’s nice.

I would be disappointed if the end turned out to be just like a terrible Michael Bay movie.

The female anchorbots laughed and laughed about this. They made “funny” “jokes” like:

“If I go out of focus, you’ll know my cameraman’s  just been raptured”

and

“I hope his track record continues”

Bwhahahahahahahahaha! Funny stuff, except aren’t you the very ones giving this giant goofball attention? He could say his crazy predictions on his little radio station, and his listeners could cash in their 401ks to buy big boxes of wine and that would be that. But you have given this story national significance. . . so now I think Harry Camping may have a point.

Especially since later in the show,  you spotlighted the most popular Halloween costumes. The most popular are the “Charlie Sheen” complete with a bottle of tiger’s blood and the “Anthony Weiner” complete with a giant prosthetic penis.

If that doesn’t foreshadow the end times, I don’t know what does….

Amazing Bargains and Values!

I think I might have mentioned in a previous post how much I love politics. There’s just something about millionaires and billionaires spending their millions and billions on an election, talking about how they came from sharecroppers and walked 400 miles each day to attend a hobo school in the wilderness where they had to gnaw on sticks to make pencils, that just really causes my heart to soar.

I think I might have mentioned in a previous post how much I love organized religion. There’s just something about sky deity smackdowns that cause my soul to soar and crash into my heart.

But when the two mix? Oh, sweet jesus, that is some wonderful stuff. Just wonderstuff. And it’s happening right now, at a little lovefest called Values Voter Summit. This is where millionaires and billionaires talk about how much they are like Jesus Christ in order to win your vote.

Photograph taken from a U.S. History book approved by the Texas Board of Education

According to the Gospel of Grover, Jesus was a conservative Republican who traveled across the land preaching smaller government and free market with no regulations. “Then he cometh to the city of Galilee, and seeing the multitudes he went up into a mountain. And he opened his mouth and sayeth: Blessed are the job creators, for they shall inherit the wealth.” (Grover 2:2)

The Values Voter Summit is all about values. I learned this from the title. (gold star for Speaker7) There is no voter in America that is not a values voter, according to presidential hairpiece Rick Perry, it’s just some voters have kick ass values and others have suck values.

What are the kick ass values?

• saying “under God” in the pledge of allegiance. Newton Gingrich said he was running for dogcatcher because some court ruled that phrase unconstitutional. Thank god someone has his eye on the most important issue facing this nation. Whenever I hear it mumbled by a group of students in complete monotone, it brings a tear to my eye.

Suck value?

• not giving a sh*t about a nonissue that exists to misdirect Americans from noticing that wages for average workers has not increased in three decades.

There were many amazing things said by true followers of Jesus Christ that it’s almost impossible to contain my fingers while I type…they constantly seem to want to form number 1 signs especially the middle fingers.

Like when Rick Perry said: “You know, some hold this worldview that government must be central in our – in our lives and serve as our caretaker. They seek more than equal opportunity, they seek equal outcomes” which is conservative code for share the wealth. And this means these haters don’t believe in American exceptionalism in the sense that it is so exceptional to get a $20 million bonus after letting multitudes of people’s pensions go in the toilet.

This reminded me of that famous Jesus parable, you know, the fishes and loaves? I will end my post with it:

“In those days the multitudes being very great, and having nothing to eat, Jesus called his disciples unto him, and saith unto them: ‘what is wrongeth with these multitudes, cannot they findeth a job to payeth for some foodeth?’ And the disciples answered ‘from whence can a man find a job and food here in the wilderness?’ And Jesus asked ‘How many loaves have ye?’ And they said ‘Seven.’ And he commanded his disciples to bring him the loaves. He took the seven loaves and crammethed them into his mouth. His disciples asked ‘what about all the others?’ Jesus wiped the crumbs from his mouth and replied ‘Fuck them.’ – (Grover 1:10-14)

Not Reading This is a Mortal Sin

My last few blog posts had a tinge of the seriousness–postpartum depression, the turd-like manner of Dr. Phil, the season finale of Bachelor Pad 2.

Now it is time to lighten the mood, which is why I’ve chosen religion as my topic. Religion is fun and people can be really funny about their religion.

I like when people say “My sky deity is better than yours” and then other people say “No–mine is better, prick!” and then the first people say “I’m going to blow you off this planet, assface, in the name of my sky deity” and the other people say “I’d like to see you try it, dickweed. My sky deity is totally going to smite your sky deity’s ass.”

I like how people use their religion to excuse their abhorrent behavior. We have an annual summer relay race. This is a long-standing tradition, almost dating back to the time when Enoch begat Methuselah. It requires blocking a few roads. Well this one man decided to barrel his giant black SUV directly into the path of soon-to-be arriving runners. A race official stopped him. He rolled down his window, stuck out his sweaty, tomato-red face  and screamed “I have to get to church!!!” Bits of spittle flew in every direction. He then peeled off to go angrily pray, I guess.

I like how around the time Christmas trees show up in stores (Sept. 21), millionaire pundits immediately get on the airwaves to once again decry the invasion of Christmas by non-christian boogeymen. Apparently every time someone says “Happy Holidays,” an angel loses its wings.

So there is much I like about religion, but I will admit that I have a tricky relationship with it. I was raised Catholic, but I began to have problems with it around the age of 7 when I had my first Communion and read in my little sin book that it was mortal sin (i.e. you will burn in eternal hell fire) to miss church. My family notoriously missed church or made it for the last 10 minutes to stand in the back and then leave early. By 14, I was done, and only got confirmed because my mother made me. The conversation went something like this:

But I don’t believe in any of it!! (in a teenagey, whiny kind of voice)

Well you’re going to do it.

But you don’t even go to church!!

You’re doing it.

For some reason I ended up going to a Jesuit college. This was not the best fit. I remember in a mythology class, the teacher talking about beliefs in the afterlife and asking students what they believed. The general consensus was clouds, harps and angels. He then asked if anyone believed that nothing happened and I was the only one to raise my hand. He asked me how I could lead an ethical and moral life if I didn’t believe anything happened after I died. Um….because I’m not a sociopath, maybe? I think I might have said something like “because I don’t need the threat of punishment to not act like a douchebag” or “what the f*** is wrong with you?” For some reason, I did not get a good grade in that class.

So like I said–tricky relationship. Just for the record, I have no idea what happens after you die. It hasn’t happened to me yet, so I will have to get back to you.