recession

Will Work For Job

I have a knack for entering a career at the exact moment that career begins to decline. I worked as a newspaper reporter in a bureau that currently no longer exists. I got out at the right time (after the second buyout and before the first furlough) to start my new career as a school librarian. Right around 2008. Something else happened in 2008….what was it? Hmm.

Oh right, the financial meltdown.

My school district is in a financial hole, my position is unmandated and my administrators (who make 4 to 5 times more than me) think “well, she just reads books to kids, couldn’t a toy monkey clanging cymbals together do that?” (Answer: yes)

So there’s a 110 percent chance I will be laid off the end of this school year.

Now I have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, one where I can buy food and have shelter. You’re likely thinking “Speaker7, get off your high horse.”

So if I want to continue this lifestyle, I need to start planning for the future. Maybe I’ll open a bookstore, one that also sells CDs.

Don’t worry, I will let you know what I choose the moment I choose it so you can leave that career path immediately before it begins its inevitable decline.

Possible career paths

TV Loudmouth

There is a lot of money to be made in being loud and being on TV. The key is to say something really awful to get someone to pay attention to you, interview you and ask why you say such awful things to which you respond “Typical gotcha question from the liberal media elite.” Possible loudmouth scenario: “Bomb Cameroon! You heard me. Why? They’ve got gorillas. A gorilla once ignored me at the zoo even when I banged as hard as I could on the glass to get her attention away from nursing her baby–which is gross. Breastfeeding is child abuse and if you don’t do it, you are a monster, and if you do do it, you’re no better than a gorilla. What’s my point? My point is women are whores.”

Upside: Crazy uncles parroting my phrases at family gatherings. Coffee mugs with my name on them.

Downside: Having to live with myself.

Haberdasher

Look on any street corner and what do you see? Pawn shops and stores that buy gold. Okay, yes those, but look at some of the other storefronts. Tattoo parlors and furniture rentals. Yes, yes, but keep looking don’t you see that haberdasher shop? No.

Upside: Redemption. In high school, I tried to snag the part of the beloved haberdasher in  The Taming of the Shrew. The part had one line. This was the line: “Here is the cap your worship did bespeak.” I recited the line as if I was the top haberdasher in Verona. I didn’t get the part. The setting is Padua. Completely different haberdasher.

Downside: What is a haberdasher?

Child Star Manager

My 2-year-old son is very cute and game for anything. Me: “Want to go throw pinecones at a tree?” Him: “Yes.” Me: “Want to go throw pinecones at a bush?” Him: “Yes.” I taught him the infamous haberdasher line from The Taming of the Shrew and he totally nailed it.

Upside: Carvel Ice Cream card and other perks.

Downside: I love my son.

Public Librarian

I’ve already got the MLS–seems like a good transition if you discount the reduction in library aid, the zero job openings, and the patrons who only go to the library to look at porn.

Upside: Dewey!

Downside: The public. Cleaning up the public’s bodily fluids.

Paid Blogger

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Richard Scarry’s Busy, Busy Town

It is with a heavy heart that I make this announcement:

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s probable divorce is something I care very little about.

Speaker7 before hearing the news

Speaker7 after hearing the news

I know I’m suppose to care. I know their split will likely make me question the fragility of my own marriage (actually, probably not). Yet whenever it’s on the news (because it is news, goddammit!), I find myself paging through my son’s copy of Busy, Busy Town by Richard Scarry. Did you know there are all kinds of writers? The best writers write children books in an office in busy, busy town.

The Today show really wants me to care so that makes me really want to try to care because I really, really seek the Today show’s approval. They want me to care so much that they made a little news documentary about the possible divorce all the while ignoring the Occupy Wall Street protest that is happening a few blocks away. Just to be clear, people protesting the way Wall Street ass-raped the entire country in 2008 and continues to do so is not news. Public employees caused the recession with their demands for actual living wages and decent working conditions. We should all go back to the heyday of working in meatpacking factories for 16 hours a day with no safety regulations whatsoever.

Millionaires tweeting inanities is news.

So some Gillette commercial actor pretending to be a news correspondent is telling the Barbie Doll anchor that something is seriously up in the House of Kutcher.  Demi Moore looks even more skeletal. Ashton was out alone partying hours before the couple’s 6th anniversary. “Even People Magazine is questioning the state of their union.” Holy sh*t!!!!!!!!!!! I had no idea it was this serious. People Magazine is questioning!?! That’s like if zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I’m back. What else is happening? I swear I saw this guy using the Gillette Profusion Glide®, but okay he’s a “reporter.” This “reporter” tells us we’re left to read between the tweets. Jesus @#$#*&! Christ. Okay, let’s get it over with.

Demi tweets: blah blah blah

Ashton tweets: Blee blee blee

We will now get to the bottom of this by interviewing two people who make far too much money doing stupid things for a living, Bonnie Fuller and some other person whose name I didn’t catch.

Bonnie says it was surprise that they were even together, but blah blah blah blah.

Barbie anchor asks about the difficulties of May-December romances since Demi is 15 years older. Let’s just point out that this is asked all the time about relationships between older men and younger women like:

  • Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – 12 year age difference
  • Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart – 22 years
  • Michael Douglass and Catherine Zeta Jones – 25 years
  • Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn – 35 years
  • Rupert and Wendi Deng Murdoch – 37 years
  • Edward Cullen and Bella Swan – 92 years
  • Papa Smurf and Smurfette – 491 years

Except it’s not.

Other lady says younger men like older women because boringngngngngngnnggngngn. The power relationship has changed. When they met Demi was a Hollywood icon and Ashton was just an average joe making $10,000 an episode for a blah TV show. Today he’s making an obscene amount of money on a truly awful TV show. Growth.

So that’s the whole sordid tale for now. I will keep you posted.

Update: Speaker7 continues to not care about this story.