presidential candidates

Orange Fury

I watched Donald Trump’s speech Thursday at the Republican National Convention. It was…uh…good? I’m afraid I don’t know what words mean anymore. It was definitely loud, I’ll give him that. Lots and lots of yelling. I felt like I was back in 9th grade band.

I had not realized that America had become the Thunderdome, a hellish landscape filled  with marauding gangs of illegal immigrants in place of bikers. Um, okay?

It was a laundry list of a country in crisis. While it was low on information and high on fear mongering, it had little in how Trump will actually accomplish anything other than by saying “believe me, I’ll do this.”

I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you.

I condensed the best parts of the speech:

He insisted he would honor us with his “truth.”

liar

His obvious affection for the GLBTQ community

gays

His “policies”.

laws

thefixer

isis

beatles

maryceleste

becky

vincefoster

He declared he was the voice of the voiceless.

compassion

oppression

yourvoice

SHOUTING

A few other gems:

judge

trumpu

wall

And finally:

stink

I don’t know. It kind of smells like napalm.

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Trump Dumps

Donald Trump, America’s favorite sentient hemorrhoid, is on the cover of Time magazine. According to Time’s editorial staff, several tag lines were tested out to see which best encapsulated the essence of a Trump presidency:

trumpbankrupttrumpirantrumpfatpigtrumptrumpsteaktrumpmexicantrumpbirdnesttrumpshoetrumpisisThey finally went with this one:

trumpanusmouth

In the video interview, Trump continued to hypnotize the electorate with his special brand of jingoism and his hair confetti.

He pontificated on why he was a better candidate than Hillary Clinton, the likely Democratic nominee:

trumpbangTrump thoughtfully explained how, unlike all other politicians, he was no puppet. He did all his own thinking.

trumppolicy

He spoke of a broken, troubled country and how he was just the guy who could fix it.

trumppoliticalcorrectHe presented his reasoned and researched stance on immigration.

trumpimmigrationThe editors attempted to include a photograph of Trump with a bald eagle, but the eagle kept attempting to eat Trump’s head having mistaken it for a muskrat carcass.

They were forced to go with a secondary shot.

trumpeagleshitsack

He Brings A Lot of People

I have mentioned before how I’m not really up on politics, preferring to get my political news from the inside of Snapple bottle caps:

Real Fact #902: Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

What the Snapple bottle cap failed to tell me is that someone cares what Donald Trump thinks about the 25 assorted Garbage Pail Kids seeking the GOP nomination for president.

That someone is Matt Lauer.

"Check this out. 'You're fired!'"

The GOP hopefuls have been seeking an audience with Donald.

“When you sit down with these people what do they want?” Matt probes with his finger.  “Do they want your money, do they want your megaphone, do they want your stamp of approval, do they want to be the next Miss Universe, do they want the cell phone number of your hairstylist?”

"Tell me, how natural does my hair look?"

They want his endorsement, Trump explains. And he believes the reason is because “I bring a lot of people.”

To lunch?

To bankruptcy proceedings?

He doesn’t elaborate.

Matt probes deeper.

"I think your hair looks very natural."

Do you want to be the king of the world or something to that effect, Matt asks.

Trump wants to make this country great again, he says. He wants to bring it back to the  time when Bret Michaels sang “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” on Celebrity Apprentice. I have never seen Celebrity Apprentice, but considering Bret Michaels has sung it on every other reality show, I feel safe in saying this is what Donald Trump is talking about.

The interview continues with Matt Lauer asking for Donald Trump’s take on the various candidates, and this is about as meaningful to me as if Matt Lauer interviewed a wadded up piece of paper about the state of affairs.

In fact that would be preferable.

"I bring a lot of paper"

Matt Lauer decides to get real with Donald Trump saying “You are never shy about expressing an opinion so I want you to express a heartfelt opinion right now.”

I wipe a tear running down my face with a wadded up piece of paper in a bad toupee.

“You talk about the country as not being great anymore and it needs to return to its greatness. Of the candidates you see out there, which one is most likely to return this country to greatness.”

I personally would rather hear heartfelt opinions from the following:

A dog.

A plunger.

A wad of gum stuck to the bottom of a shoe.

An actual turd.

The turd says he doesn’t want to say, he can’t say who he will endorse because it would not be fair to the other candidates.

Oh, I’m sorry…that’s how Donald Trump answered. I just got him mixed up with a turd.

Real Fact #903: That happens a lot.