power couple

Strategy Breath™

If you hadn’t realized, episode 3 of Bachelor Pad ended with a “cliffhanger.”

I hadn’t realized. 

We open at the end of the last episode with the rose ceremony. The host says if you don’t hear your name called, you will be leaving bachelor pad immediately. He calls Kasey’s name. I swear I’ve seen this before. Oh that’s right, the end of the last episode.

Vienna breathes a sigh of relief and forces a hug onto Holly. Jake gives a speech:

“A bachelor pad divided against itself cannot stand. I believe this bachelor pad cannot endure permanently half Power Couple™, half non-Power Couple™. I do not expect the bachelor pad to be dissolved. It will become all one thing or all the other.” Or something along those lines and then he’s in the limo.

Kasey does some kind of gang symbol, says something incomprehensible “Shizzle shuz. The devil is gone. Shuz shizzle just euphoric sensations all over my body. Shushshuch niz. You’re a jackass. Later bro, like kid rocks, dude. I’m the strongest player. I’m the strongest competitor. I’m the stronger strategist.” He mispronounces that last word, but that is his strategy, bro. Okay, like kid rocks shushizzle. >gang sign<

Moving on. The next competition was the “most talked about” and “most popular” last season of Bachelor Pad, according to the host and I will have to take him at his word.

It’s the 2nd annual Kissing Contest!! Everyone looks miserable as if they heard Kasey was about to give them a promise ring along with a serenade.

“I know it’s early. I hope you all brushed,” the host says. This will become important later.

Michelle has made the decision not to do it because she wants to set a good example for her 6-year-old daughter. Um….hmm….okay. Can I just bring up one little thing? You’re saying this while appearing as a contestant on Bachelor Pad.

most "popular" competition

Kissy face, kissy face, tonguey face, tonguey face. Blindfolds. Blake jams his tongue down everyone’s collective throat. Ella chews on some guys’ faces. Erica has self-proclaimed good lips because of injections. Kasey has bad breath. That’s his strategy breath. And Blake and Ella are the winners.

Blake and Ella get to chose one person for a “romantic” one-on-one date. Ella chooses Kirk—wait, who’s that? Has he been on the show before? They go outside and find a red Ferrari parked in the driveway. This causes another guy…who is he? William? Okay… William is mad and said he would have been a manwhore if he knew it involved a Ferrari. I swear I have never seen either man before and I’ve watched 435 hours of this show.

Meanwhile Melissa is trying to wheedle a date out of Blake. They apparently have been partners since day 1. “This is epic,” Melissa says. “I don’t know how we pulled it off.” “I hate you,” Blake says.

Ella/Kirk date. It’s a really fun lighthearted time where Kirk mentions he was almost killed by mold and Ella tells how she watched her mother get murdered. There are s’mores.

Blake announces he is taking Holly on his date. Melissa is outraged. “Can you explain yourself because you gave 800 promises. You pinky-swore.” She has a point. The pinky-swear is nearly as binding as dibs. She has a meltdown in the bathroom. Bringing up the pinky-swear again, she announces “(Blake) is dead to me.” For some reason she goes looking for him to talk to him again and finds him doing something Kasey should do…brushing his teeth. He says “another 40 seconds” and we seriously wait with her and cut to commercial.

Next day: Holly/Blake date. We find a number of people in the house are unhappy about this mainly Melissa and Michael, who used to be engaged to Holly and still loves her. Blake says “Michael has called dibs on Holly.” Holy sh*t Blake, you are really playing with fire this episode. First you break a pinky-swear and now you’re not honoring dibs? The date is at a ski resort. Blake says “Our chemistry is impeccable” which is not at all an odd way of putting it. Holly says “I’ve never had so much fun in my life” and a knife is jammed into Michael’s heart. They stay overnight.

The show is playing music from The Cider House Rules while everyone talks about being confused and upset. It’s a real downer, but HOLD YOUR HORSES EVERYBODY….we’re about to find out half of the contestants on the next season of Dancing with the “Stars.” And its many “stars” I do not know. I’m not going to list them because it will require me exerting effort to find out how their names are spelled or who they even are. Excitement.

Nighttime rose ceremony. Kasey employs this strategy: He needs the money so his grandma will live (Strategy Death™). He’s a prince, that one. Melissa is slowly learning that all the men are voting for her.

But now we’re back to the rest of the DWTS cast!! And it’s….Nancy Grace…crap, now I’m actually going to want to watch this, and this show’s interminable. It would have been awesome if Casey Anthony had also been cast.

Shot of the moon and back to the rose ceremony. Dramatic music. Math. Eight people – six roses=zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And it’s William..aw..I just feel like I got to know you…I’m kidding, I have no idea who you are. And Melissa. She cries and cries and cries.

But Kasey’s grandma lives on!

Every Episode has its stink

Episode 3 of Bachelor Pad aired last night. I tried vainly to watch it, but only made it to the first three minutes. All big on the 42-inch screen and in HD made it feel incredibly likely I would catch crabs. So I watched it on my little computer today.

It begins with an establishing shot of the moon. People say things like “That was amazing.” “That was unreal.” “The game changes so fast, it’s crazy.” I don’t know what they’re talking about.

Pan to argument in the kitchen, which is “amazing.” The guy part of the couple looks like two other guys in the house. The woman is upset because he didn’t check on her in her room while she was crying. She gives a very specific time frame for it – 4 p.m.-11:30 p.m. That’s a lengthy time to be crying. Many doctors say you should only let a baby cry it out for an hour.

Challenge – synchronized swimming. Boys vs girls, one of each wins a rose. Lots of “I need to win this,” “He can’t win this,” “I’m going to win this because I was a cheerleader.” “This is the craziest thing I’ve ever done.” This goes on for seven days. They actually get some poor gold medalist to judge it and two random people who won Bachelor Pad I, which, I believe, garners one the bronze medal or complete obscurity. Two winners are chosen, they will go on a date with three other people.

Vienna and Kasey, the self-proclaimed Bachelor Pad power couple, proceed to have some powerful fights. Kasey is miffed that Vienna said “good job” to her former fiance Jake. Vienna brings up how Kasey is supposed to protect her. She says this a lot like she’s constantly being ambushed by ninjas. Kasey says something like “I protected you over BLEEP, nice and smelled to him. You shushree shizz schuzzle.” His voice makes me feel like I need a hearing test. This fight drags on for infinity, and even the cameraman becomes fatigued because he pans to a sharpie marker on the counter for a really long time. That is a really nice sharpie.

Boring date in vineyard. The word “connection” is used for the first time. Some making out with visible tongue…shudder.

Boring date on horseback, but then a bandana-ensconced Bret Michaels pulls up in a tour bus to give the saddest concert ever. He conducts an impromptu therapy session with Michael and Holly. He says “There’s a fork in the road” and the cameraman pans down to his crotch “and that’s the fork in the road where eventually you’ve got to say the heart wants what the heart wants.” Exactly. He then sings “Unskinny Bop” — I’m just kidding. He sings “Every Rose Has its Thorn” and do you see what the producers just did right there? Yeah, I don’t either.

I think time moves differently in Bachelor Pad because the timer tells me I’m only  8 minutes into part II and I’ve been sitting here for 10 days. Okay, where are we? Back to Power Couple™ Vienna and Kasey. Kasey says something about Vienna’s heart hurt causes his heart to hurt and “shushes shizzz shuzle shinzz.” Vienna looks like she smells something really awful. He produces a jewelry box, and Vienna causes heart hurt by saying “I don’t want it to be an engagement ring.” Hurted-heart Kasey is taken aback, but carries  on valiantly with a serenade that sounds like Rick Astley being smothered by a pillow.

Alliances are getting broken, new alliances are forming, conspiring, conspiring, drinking, people are being called “batshit crazy,” voting, spying in hot tubs, more drinking, crying, more conspiring, even more drinking, one of the contestants holds a prop from a Harry Potter movie and says “order has been restored,” drinky drinking, photos are dropped in a ballot box. It’s down to Jake vs. Kasey. Vienna says “I’m terrified of Jake.” This from the woman who just was serenaded by Kasey.

Jake interviews “If I’m leaving tonight, I’m going to take some people with me.” Okay, maybe Vienna’s on to something.

So who’s going home? Shot of Jake’s face, shot of Kasey’s face, shot of Jake’s face, shot of Kasey’s face, shot of Jake’s face, shot of Kasey’s face, shot of Jake’s face, shot of Kasey’s face, ad infinitum.

And it’s Jake. The screen goes black.

Do you see what the producers did right there? Yeah, I don’t either.