When I began this blog, I made a promise to myself that I would write everyday. And it so far has worked out. . . until today. So that is why I watched Bachelor Pad.
I said to myself “Self, watch the first episode.” And then saw that the first episode was actually three 45-minute episodes. Beer me strength. If you have never seen or heard of Bachelor Pad, contestants from previous Bachelor/Bachelorette live in a house, someone stops being polite and starts getting real, and some couple wins $250,000. Things “are going to get exciting.” Things “are going to get interesting.” Things “are going to get crazy.” These sentences are thrown about by various bachelor/ettes who all look the same to me.
Host says something like “All the memorable contestants in Bachelor history are here” and names people like the guy who wore the shirt, the guy who got the tattoo, the guy who gave everyone herpes. Now we get to meet them in-depth. They’re 18 of them so be patient, luckily the producers only deemed 11 of them important enough to get an introduction.
First up – wrestler, stands in front of graffiti, then shown boxing because he’s a wrestler.
Girl who beats herself up while sleeping — will use the money to cure cancer.
Girl with major plot points on a clipboard – slept with some guy, hates this contestant who better not show up on Bachelor Pad, which leads us directly to a segment on that bachelorette. Plot twist!
Vienna – I know her because I watched that Dancing with the Stars with her ex-fiance Jake and she was always in the audience. I watched Dancing with the Stars because I suffered from postpartum depression. In her introduction, she gets bronzer sprayed on her inner thighs.
Tattoo guy from the host intro – he is Vienna’s boyfriend. Something is wrong with his microphone…no, that is just his voice. It’s hard to describe, but when he talks, I feel like I have cotton in my ears. He’s going to pummel Jake, and he “will punch him for America.” Which lead us to…
Jake – walks in a hay field, climbs into a jet.
Girl with Tiara on head – tells us she “lives out of a trust fund.” How does someone do that? Does she live in a big vault? I would watch a show about that. She dances in astroturf and says she will kiss a girl.
Blue shirt guy – he films himself doing good work like Gandhi used to.
Girl without home – it appears she lives in the woods. She stalks out homes. She wants to buy a home for her son. She watched her mother get murdered by her stepfather. Jesus Christ, Bachelor Pad, don’t make me feel actual feelings.
Girl (I’m getting tired) – she was engaged to another bachelor contestant and zzzzzzzzzzz
He’s there too. Things “are going to get interesting.”
Okay, introductions are done. First limo arrives. Squee! And it’s….who? Some woman. Was she in the introductions….yes?….I don’t know… She says her mind has “literally been blown.” I don’t think she knows what literally means. She is one of the contestants who tells us many times that things are going to get either crazy or exciting. Still waiting.
Then some guy shows up. I don’t know who he is, but he tells us that “it’s going to get crazy in here. I know it.” Then a guy shows up and another guy and the girl with tiara and then Vienna, who I recognize, and who also doesn’t understand what literally means because she says her heart is literally “beating a million miles a minute.” I look at the timer on the bottom of the screen–are you freaking kidding me? Only 20 minutes have gone by? I’m going to literally bash my head into my dining room table. And I do, because I know what literally means.
More people speak about how interesting and exciting and crazy things are going to get as they mill around like they’re at the worst office holiday party ever. This is building up to the arrival of Jake, which I hope causes Vienna’s heart to literally explode while Cotton-Mouth literally punches Jake for America. Jake arrives and he talks about the weather with Vienna and Cotton-Mouth and this is literally the most interesting moment in the episode.
Host comes in, reminds everyone that there are 9 men, 9 women. Everyone needs to partner up and one woman is worried she will be left without a partner, and I weep for our public school system. Here’s the challenge: Guys are in harnesses and launched into the air with the ladies wrapped around them. Vienna says she is going to “literally wrap her legs around him” which will be an effective strategy if the other women decide to figuratively do it. This is an unnecessarily long segment. It’s down to Jake and his partner and Vienna and Cotton-Mouth. Jake wins, he gets a rose, protection and a hot date. Vienna and Cotton-Mouth have a hot-tub fight then a patio fight. Each fight involves Vienna saying multiple times how Cotton-Mouth was supposed to protect her. If it’s to protect her from being on horribly boring reality shows then she’s got a point. Alliance talk, it’s really “exciting.” Cotton-Mouth refers to another dude as “schematic.”
Grainy night-camera sex.
This has literally been my longest post ever!