“My (Turds) Were Emotional, Reactionary, and Inflammatory”

Bob Morris is sorry, you guys.

He is deeply sorry. He is so so sorry that his letter calling the Girl Scouts of America a lair of anal-lovin’, communist-sympathizen’, abortion-havin’ Planned Parenthood lovers made it out of his protective lair of non anal-lovin’, non communist-sympathizen’, non abortion-havin’ Planned Parenthood haters, otherwise known as Republicans.

He is not sorry, however, about what he said. The Girl Scouts are in cahoots with a group that represents the “biggest evil of our time.”

Had Bob known his letter would reach a wider audience, he would have included proof, you guys (Here is the post on his original letter). Instead of just writing, Girl Scouts teach your daughter to perform an abortion on her Barbie, he would have written: “According to sources, Girl Scouts teach your daughter to perform an abortion on her Barbie.” Now was this sentence actually included in Bob’s letter? I provided you with a link, and you may have actually read the letter, and you may now be thinking No, that sentence isn’t there. And I would have to disagree because my sources say yes.

My sources say this sentence was also included in Bob’s non-apology apology letter: “Now when I made love to that sheep, I did what was right, I did not use protection.”

It’s there. I don’t care if you cannot actually see it.

It’s the same way Bob doesn’t care that both Girl Scouts and Planned Parenthood have said “We don’t know what the f— Bob Morris is talking about in his letter, but it in no way reflects reality.” Bob is still like “La la la!! I can’t hear you! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!  Look at this picture of me.”

"Don't I look like someone who has a clear grasp on reality?"

Bob includes a link to the World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts. It shows a picture of 14 girls under the heading “Young People Advocating for Sexual and Reproductive Rights.”  This was taken at some UN Conference on the status of women in the world. This is the smoking gun. But it’s not as good as this picture:

"I'm a 100 percent positive that Dolly is not a Communist."

This picture was taken at an awards ceremony where Bob received the most coveted award one can receive, Turd of the Week™.

This turd was shat from the bottom of an opponent of Planned Parenthood

At Least the Cookies are Good

I used to be a girl scout.

I didn’t last very long. Six months, tops. I don’t like camping or people or camping with people. I like Girl Scout cookies. I like the eating of Girl Scout cookies, not the selling of them, which is something you do if you are a girl scout. I am not a seller. One horrible summer, I had a temporary job selling family portraits in the mall. The lure was getting the mark to sign up for the chance to win a $500 shopping spree. While they signed up, you were suppose to go into your spiel about buying a portrait. This was mine: “Oh…um….we’re also selling portraits? Yeah…um…so if you’re not interested, I won’t bother talking about it?”

Not a seller.

I loved those badges, though. I wanted every last stinkin’ one of them even though I had no desire to master the skill the badge represented. I had four. My memory’s hazy but I believe I had the “Shows ability to breathe” badge, “Showed up for a Girl Scouts meeting” badge, “Really wants a badge” badge, and “Ate the most Girl Scouts cookies” badge. Not an illustrious career.

I would like to say I got out because I didn’t approve of the Girl Scouts’ pro-abortion, pro-hot sex and pro-Communist agenda, but that would make me crazy. And I rather let Indiana State Rep. Bob Morris say it for me (I believe his letter to the Republican caucus earns him the “Batshit crazy” badge).

Judging from his picture, I would say Bob has a very healthy attitude toward sex and is living the Christian life that he should. This is Bob:

"I look completely normal."

Now why is Bob writing this letter? Well because the Indiana Legislature is poised to pass some meaningless resolution recognizing the 100th anniversary of the nefarious undertakings of the Girl Scouts of America. Bob found all of his information from talking to “well-informed constituents” and surfing the Web. I engaged in the same rigorous study and uncovered that Bob Morris’s brain was eaten by woodchucks (source: speaker7.wordpress.com).

The Girl Scouts have become a “tactical arm of Planned Parenthood” and are in danger of making “our daughters” more receptive to the pro-abortion agenda, he writes.

Dammit! Are you telling me I missed out on this badge!?!

How did that happen!?! I am ALL about abortions. I love me some abortions. What woman doesn’t?!? That’s why I say I’m pro-abortion because that is what that side believes in, baby (or I should say notbaby).

“A Girl Scouts of America training program last year used the Planned Parenthood sex education pamphlet ‘Happy, Healthy and Hot.’ The pamphlet instructs young girls not to think of sex as ‘just about vaginal or anal intercourse. There is no right or wrong way to have sex. Just have fun, explore and be yourself!'” Bob writes.

Now I could find no proof anywhere that this actually happened, but neither could I find proof that a Bob Morris fundraiser last year included a demonstration on how to have tantric sex with livestock. Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

But I’m totally bummed that I missed out on the “Hot sex” badge:

Many people are abandoning Girl Scouts because they promote a homosexual lifestyle, Bob writes. The Girl Scouts encourage girls to examine the lives of 50 (unidentified) role models who are predominately gay, feminist or communist or all three, states Bob. There is no reason to identify the role models. The same way there is no reason to fact check this statement: Bob Morris had a love child with Osama Bin Laden.

Is communism still a thing to be scared about?  Oh yes, that’s right, I could have gotten this badge:

Bob’s daughters used to be active in their girl scout troup, but not anymore. I hope it has something to do with their hatred of camping, but I fear it has more to do with their father being beyond awful.

And unfortunately there is no Girl Scout badge for that.

Politicians Say the Darndest Things.

Occasionally a kernel of truth rises above all the noise and overload in our media-saturated society, and it makes you tear out your ear buds, log out of Facebook, turn off your TV, pause your Xbox, switch your ringer to vibrate and deflate your blow-up doll so you can let that truth wash over you as if you were in a truth carwash.

Bob Marshall, an actual elected representative in Virginia, called for an end to state funding of Planned Parenthood because nature takes its vengeance on women who abort fetuses by giving them defective babies.

Now some are in a tizzy over this remark claiming it’s batshit crazy (I’m paraphrasing), but I applaud Bob Marshall for being so upfront about the numerous abortions his mother clearly had that left him with the traumatic brain damage he suffers from today.

Mothers should breathe easy that while nature may be throwing tsunamis into their damaged-by-abortion birth canals, their handicapped children could someday be elected to public office and say the most abhorrent statements imaginable.

Now Bob is a little upset that his remarks were being posted on social networking sites leading to online petitions calling for his resignation when usually he could say this crazy shit without anyone batting an eye misconstrued by journalists whose moms clearly had abortions causing them to have the taking-out-of-context handicap and write that a elected representative actually felt it appropriate to say God punished women for abortions. He never said God was punishing women for their sinful ways. He said nature. And really, it’s punishing the kids.

Whew! Thank Nature that was cleared up. I’m sure the millions of children with disabilities feel better too.