Please welcome the newsfeed baby!

Not only do I get to sift through friends’ platitudes– “Don’t Look Back. You’re Not Going That Way”–on my Facebook newsfeed, but now I can see what news articles they read on other websites.

This is great. I really wanted to know that people I know on the most superficial of levels are reading articles like “Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are expecting their 20th child” and “SeaWorld Orlando announces new attraction” (Apparently Shamu and Jim Bob Duggar are expecting their 20th hybrid whale-baby)

Facebook has hooked up with Yahoo! and created a newsfeed baby that is a half-brother to the baby created by Yahoo! and Jim Bob Duggar.

I don’t read Yahoo! News because the name itself invalidates everything placed on that page, but it’s basically the sign of the times to come. At some point, Facebook will intertwine directly with our brains and be able to post status updates  like:

I really don’t want random people…excuse me, my besties knowing what I search for and read on the Internet. I look up some weird sh*t on the Internet. For research, thank you very much Mr. FBI agent or Mrs. FBI Agent because I’m not sexist or Ms. FBI agent because you don’t have to be married. I have looked up adult baby syndrome several times. I also searched for information on Richard Simmons and his pom-pom tank top, which incidentally led to many sites on adult baby syndrome. I use search engines when I don’t know how to spell something like gonorrhea or Kim Kardashian. All for this blog.

All for you, readers.

Now the U.S. Supreme Court is hearing a case on whether it’s a-okay for the coppers to track your every move (unbeknownst to you, of course) through GPS. I read about this on Goofball! News. That GPS thing-a-mabob is not good. It touches on the Orvillian (coined for Orville Redenbacher who experimented with hybrid popcorn kernels). I really don’t want the local police to know that I stop at the local Rite-Aid several times to pick up adult diapers for the diaper parties I attend. For research. 

We are one step away from looking as bad as Bruce Willis did wearing that hair piece in Surrogates, a movie I’ve never seen due to spending time in active pursuits like searching adult baby syndrome on the Internet.

How do I know?

I read about it on Facebook.


Change is hard.

I remember when my parents were about to drop me off at college, I made the announcement “Thanks for the lift, but I believe I will be going home with you.” I felt I had given it the ole college try although I hadn’t actually set foot on campus, but I wanted my life to remain unchanged.

So I get it. I understand. Facebook has changed its newsfeed and your life is in a #$!!@%$ tailspin. At least it seems that way from the amount of times you keep posting it as your status update, which I’m reading using the new newsfeed. Look, I drew you this picture:

Aw snap.

There seems to be two camps: those whose lives are in $#(@*! tailspin and those who post things like “An innocent man was executed today and everyone is upset about Facebook changing.” The former should probably get a bit of perspective and the latter should realize posting that kind of status update on Facebook makes you look a bit like a self-righteous prick, especially since you posted that right after posting a skateboarding video.  By the way, a dog was shot during the time it took you to upload that video so I hope you’re happy.

I am in neither camp. I don’t participate in Facebook enough. I use it to keep track of “friends” birthdays so this way I can post a generically short “Happy Birthday!” and never have to use the phone again.

I have noticed that I seem to see more of people’s daily astrological missives before I get to the status updates challenging me to copy something to my status update thereby curing world hunger. I have yet to do it because I’m all about the status quo.

While the times they are a-changing, I will leave you with this: While you were reading this blog, an innocent man was changing his status update.

Chew on that.