nancy grace

The Newest Member of the Baby-sitter’s Club

Working is very difficult.

It has caused me to miss the answer to the greatest bombshell question in the history of question-asking. I got a little teaser from the Today show when Matt Lauer said we would get the answer to this earth-shatterer: Would Casey Anthony’s parents let her babysit her brother’s child?????

Well, if he had a child. He doesn’t. But that is still a fucking awesome question. It made me do this:

I know this question kicks balls because the Today anchor interviewing Dr. Phil told him it was “a very interesting” question. And I looked up “very” and “interesting” in the dictionary and they continue to have the same meanings. This Today anchor knows what he’s talking about–although he also knows when Matt Lauer retires, he will never take the anchor chair because he’s older than Matt and must content himself with Matt’s dinner scraps, but he makes himself feel better knowing that he has his Matt Lauer voo-doo doll at home under his pillow and he will be able to stick pins in it later and that stops the roaring in his ears.

If you hadn’t read my previous post of the very un-turdlike manner of Dr. Phil, you may be unaware that Dr. Phil has conducted 1,321,408 interviews with Cindy and Anthony Anthony (I don’t know the father’s name, and am too lazy to Google it, but believe this is “a very interesting” guess). He has done this because this is the biggest story in my lifetime and any person’s lifetime born in the next 75 years–hence the nuclear bomb question of amazingness. The Today show even had on a judge to give her perspective. She was very normal-looking.

Speaker7 sentences you to more lip injections *bangs gavel*

While Dr. Phil’s question was truly terrific and I did have to pick my jaw up off the floor and I was saying “Wha…wha…wha…” because I couldn’t even get the word “what” out of my mouth because my brain had so totally exploded, I think he missed an opportunity to ask even better follow-up questions. Here it is the biggest news story of our lifetime and anyone else’s lifetime born in the next 75 years, and Dr. Phil, frankly, dropped the ball and continued on with the next line of questioning, which I believe was:

“Do you think my giant head could fit inside the grand canyon?” (The answer is no.)

Here is what I would have followed up with:

Let’s say Casey brother is in a tight spot and really needs a babysitter, and the only choices are Casey or OJ Simpson. Who should he pick?

What if the choices were Casey or one of those mothers from Toddlers & Tiaras?

Say you have a time machine and you can send Casey back in time, would you allow her to babysit herself?

If Mary and Joseph needed a night out on the town, would you let Casey babysit Baby Jesus?

What if it was Adolf Hitler’s parents?

Do you think Nancy Grace would ever ask Casey to babysit her twins, and if so, do you think Casey would do a good job?

Would you let Casey date someone who suffered from adult baby syndrome?

I know it is canceled, but would you let Casey star on the show Casey and Kate Plus 8?

Would you let Casey be adopted by the Duggar family? What about the Manson family? What about the Jolie-Pitt family?

Would you let Casey adopt a virtual baby? What about a Furby®?

Would you let Casey adopt Lindsay Lohan? What about Michael Lohan?

Would you let Casey care for a Baby Think It Over® infant simulator? What if it was a sock puppet with a baby’s face drawn onto it? What if it was just a sock?

Could you leave Casey and Dr. Phil alone in a room with only a bottle of chloroform? Please.

Dr. Shrill

How could I have missed this? Dr. Phil had the exclusive interview with Casey Anthony’s parents over the last two days and I did not watch it.

I was at work, which is not a good excuse, but a better excuse is I have no idea when the Dr. Phil show is on. I might have been home. There’s a 91 percent chance I was.

Why don’t I religiously watch Dr. Phil? It was his 10-year season premiere after all.

Well I will try to put this delicately because I don’t want to offend people who have an affinity for Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil is a giant turd.

Wait, I think that is too insulting . . . to turds.

I will have to think of something else.

Dr. Phil is the male version of Nancy Grace.

He is the reason when people say “Don’t you just loovvveeee Oprah?” I say “meh” because she birthed him out of her vayjayjay into our world.

Since I missed the interview(s)–I believe there are 345 of them because this is the biggest story of our lifetime (second biggest story: sugar baby students–tune into Dr. Phil on Friday)–I had to rely on the Today show and the Dr. Phil website to find out what I missed.

I did not pay attention to the Casey Anthony trial, but it seems like a lot of people got really worked up about it from reading Facebook status updates around that time. That is where I get my news. Let’s see who actually pays attention and keeps this going. Repost this if you get your news from Facebook. I bet 93 percent won’t have the courage to make this your status update.

Matt Lauer asked some questions that I can’t recall and Dr. Phil was dickish in his response because he’s awful. He seems to be a really good therapist.

They show some clips from the interviews.

“Do you believe she borrowed a shovel,” Dr. Phil turds.

Matt is incredulous that the mom didn’t say “yup, she borrowed a shovel to bury her daughter whom she killed.” Good thing no real news is happening today.

On Dr. Phil’s website is a very tasteful and very non-turdlike promo for the interviews that is in the style of a Fast & Furious XXXIIXXVVVV: Fasterier Furiouser Fastest Fastener Fast trailer.

“There are millions of people in America now who want to shake you awake,” turds Dr. Phil.

“Will it be the breaking point?” asks the narrator.

“I was going to kill myself,” says the dad.

“Or the BREAK THROUGH” drones the narrator.

“In your mind you know the truth,” bleats Dr. Phil.

*fade to black*

Yes. The truth is that you, Dr. Phil, will make a lot of money on this–the same way you make money from parading out and self-righteously judging the sad, lost people of the world for enjoyment–and I will be writing another blog post about your 20-year season premiere because for some reason people feed on others’ misery.

A Fish Wrapped in Newspaper… Just for You

This month, Mr. Speaker7 and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary. Eight years….eight, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long years. From what I understand, on the first anniversary, one bestows a gift of paper. The second, a rock followed by scissors on the third and so on and so on until the eighth, which is a fish wrapped in newspaper (reference: Martha Stewart Weddings). But I decided that my eighth anniversary gift will be a gift to you readers. Clearly I have a good handle on marriage because a) I’m still married and b) I’m not divorced.

Just look at this picture of wedded bliss:

Wedded Bliss

The high-fiving of hands is the #5 sign of wedded bliss.

I want you all to learn from my success so one day, you too can write a blog post heralding your successful marriage to my husband.  Here are eight tips for having a successful marriage:

1. Don’t marry someone who sucks. Many people make this classic rookie mistake (reference: Bridezillas). You date someone for awhile, you hate him/her and then you get this idea that you will hate him/her less if you legally bind yourself to him/her for all eternity.

2. Strive for honesty. I say strive because we all have to lie to our spouses at some time. Do you think my saddlebags make me unattractive? Nope, in fact I’d like them bigger. Is my blog funny? Yes, yes it is. You didn’t laugh when I forced you to read my latest entry. I was laughing on the inside. What does that mean? Your saddlebags look really good today.

3. Don’t be that person who says your marriage works because you’re always right and then titter because that’s so original. Have you ever taken a good gander at the people who believe they are never wrong? It’s “people” like Nancy Grace, Dr. Phil and George W. Bush. Yeah, those people are the worst.

4. Please, oh please, for the love of christ, do not put your marital woes as your status update on Facebook. There is a good chance that your spouse is a Facebook friend or if not (why isn’t your spouse your Facebook friend? that’s wrong, man) has mutual friends, and will not enjoy reading “I want to divorce _____ so much right now” and seeing that you changed your relationship status to single. And then your mutual friends and family see this and begin to comment worryingly under your update, and now it’s really hard to explain that you’re mad because your spouse ate all of the Klondike bars and you were really looking forward to one after a long day at the fishhook factory. So since that makes you look petty, you end up filing for divorce, which was truly something you would not do for Klondike bar, but in this case you did.

5. Oh my god, do I really have to say this? not, I repeat, do not take a picture of your genitals and send it to someone you met on the Internet. Now men, I’m going to address you now because I don’t know of many stories about women getting into a serious pickle for photographing their vaginas (yes Oprah, I’m using the word vagina. I am empowered). There is no woman alive who wants to see that. No woman. If some special Internet friend is asking to see that, s/he (always he) is likely working for Perverted Justice. On a sidenote, isn’t that just about the worst name in the world. Are they saying the only justice they dish out is perverted? They should call it what it is…a total sham.

6. Make sure your sentences have verbs. I stole this from Dr. Phil’s “A Good Marriage” advice column. I wasn’t aware that people really had a problem with this, but I’m putting it just in case you leaving notes for your spouse that read like this: I with your best friend. I home late. I you.

7. Don’t fall in love with Edward Cullen/Jacob Werewolf (I’m too lazy to look up his last name) from the Twilight series. Don’t lament that your spouse’s eyes aren’t topaz or that his arms aren’t made of marble or that he doesn’t sparkle in sunlight or that he doesn’t imprint on fetuses (I’m not getting into this part, if you want to know what it means look it up online) or doesn’t eat live chickens or doesn’t write the most boring books of all time….Don’t be these people.

8. Do not take advice from people who claim they have the key to a successful marriage. They always have no idea what they’re talking about.

Strategy Breath™

If you hadn’t realized, episode 3 of Bachelor Pad ended with a “cliffhanger.”

I hadn’t realized. 

We open at the end of the last episode with the rose ceremony. The host says if you don’t hear your name called, you will be leaving bachelor pad immediately. He calls Kasey’s name. I swear I’ve seen this before. Oh that’s right, the end of the last episode.

Vienna breathes a sigh of relief and forces a hug onto Holly. Jake gives a speech:

“A bachelor pad divided against itself cannot stand. I believe this bachelor pad cannot endure permanently half Power Couple™, half non-Power Couple™. I do not expect the bachelor pad to be dissolved. It will become all one thing or all the other.” Or something along those lines and then he’s in the limo.

Kasey does some kind of gang symbol, says something incomprehensible “Shizzle shuz. The devil is gone. Shuz shizzle just euphoric sensations all over my body. Shushshuch niz. You’re a jackass. Later bro, like kid rocks, dude. I’m the strongest player. I’m the strongest competitor. I’m the stronger strategist.” He mispronounces that last word, but that is his strategy, bro. Okay, like kid rocks shushizzle. >gang sign<

Moving on. The next competition was the “most talked about” and “most popular” last season of Bachelor Pad, according to the host and I will have to take him at his word.

It’s the 2nd annual Kissing Contest!! Everyone looks miserable as if they heard Kasey was about to give them a promise ring along with a serenade.

“I know it’s early. I hope you all brushed,” the host says. This will become important later.

Michelle has made the decision not to do it because she wants to set a good example for her 6-year-old daughter. Um….hmm….okay. Can I just bring up one little thing? You’re saying this while appearing as a contestant on Bachelor Pad.

most "popular" competition

Kissy face, kissy face, tonguey face, tonguey face. Blindfolds. Blake jams his tongue down everyone’s collective throat. Ella chews on some guys’ faces. Erica has self-proclaimed good lips because of injections. Kasey has bad breath. That’s his strategy breath. And Blake and Ella are the winners.

Blake and Ella get to chose one person for a “romantic” one-on-one date. Ella chooses Kirk—wait, who’s that? Has he been on the show before? They go outside and find a red Ferrari parked in the driveway. This causes another guy…who is he? William? Okay… William is mad and said he would have been a manwhore if he knew it involved a Ferrari. I swear I have never seen either man before and I’ve watched 435 hours of this show.

Meanwhile Melissa is trying to wheedle a date out of Blake. They apparently have been partners since day 1. “This is epic,” Melissa says. “I don’t know how we pulled it off.” “I hate you,” Blake says.

Ella/Kirk date. It’s a really fun lighthearted time where Kirk mentions he was almost killed by mold and Ella tells how she watched her mother get murdered. There are s’mores.

Blake announces he is taking Holly on his date. Melissa is outraged. “Can you explain yourself because you gave 800 promises. You pinky-swore.” She has a point. The pinky-swear is nearly as binding as dibs. She has a meltdown in the bathroom. Bringing up the pinky-swear again, she announces “(Blake) is dead to me.” For some reason she goes looking for him to talk to him again and finds him doing something Kasey should do…brushing his teeth. He says “another 40 seconds” and we seriously wait with her and cut to commercial.

Next day: Holly/Blake date. We find a number of people in the house are unhappy about this mainly Melissa and Michael, who used to be engaged to Holly and still loves her. Blake says “Michael has called dibs on Holly.” Holy sh*t Blake, you are really playing with fire this episode. First you break a pinky-swear and now you’re not honoring dibs? The date is at a ski resort. Blake says “Our chemistry is impeccable” which is not at all an odd way of putting it. Holly says “I’ve never had so much fun in my life” and a knife is jammed into Michael’s heart. They stay overnight.

The show is playing music from The Cider House Rules while everyone talks about being confused and upset. It’s a real downer, but HOLD YOUR HORSES EVERYBODY….we’re about to find out half of the contestants on the next season of Dancing with the “Stars.” And its many “stars” I do not know. I’m not going to list them because it will require me exerting effort to find out how their names are spelled or who they even are. Excitement.

Nighttime rose ceremony. Kasey employs this strategy: He needs the money so his grandma will live (Strategy Death™). He’s a prince, that one. Melissa is slowly learning that all the men are voting for her.

But now we’re back to the rest of the DWTS cast!! And it’s….Nancy Grace…crap, now I’m actually going to want to watch this, and this show’s interminable. It would have been awesome if Casey Anthony had also been cast.

Shot of the moon and back to the rose ceremony. Dramatic music. Math. Eight people – six roses=zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And it’s just feel like I got to know you…I’m kidding, I have no idea who you are. And Melissa. She cries and cries and cries.

But Kasey’s grandma lives on!