mustache

Hugo for Movember

Who better to raise awareness about prostate cancer and mental health issues than Hugo, the man of 1,000 faces?

This was from Hugo’s campaign to raise awareness about the dangers of eating lip balm.

True, he does not have a prostate. He does not have any lower body at all as a matter of fact. Or organs. Okay, so he’s a half-man puppet, but that half puppet can wear a mustache like nobody’s business.

November is the month for Movember, a campaign to raise money and awareness around men’s health issues. One way of doing this is to grow and/or spraypaint mustaches on one’s face. Another way is to join Bloggers for Movember, an online campaign created by Le Clown, the only man I have ever seen best Hugo in a hot dog eating contest.

Hugo is showing his support by modeling the eight types of mustaches available to the human and/or puppet race.

1. Sensitive Artist/Poet ‘Stache

This ‘stache shows the wearer is quite comfortable baring his sole and a little man cleavage. Roses are red/Violets are blue/Mustaches are brown/And Hugo loves you.

2. Gigolo ‘Stache

This takes the whole baring-oneself up a notch to full-on belly revealing. This mustache shrieks complete confidence in a man’s ability to love the ladies all night long. What’s you sign? Cuz my sign is Go.

3. Fireman ‘Stache

Somebody call 911 because my pants are on fire.

4. Douche ‘Stache

This ‘stache has the scent of success…no wait, that is the scent of Axe Body Wash. The wearer has no trouble telling you how much his peen can bench press or how many lady crotch shots he’s taken surreptitiously from the floor of the women’s bathroom.

5. Stunted Adult ‘Stache

This ‘stache screams “I have the top score in whatever videogame is the popular videogame.” It says to the world: “World, I refuse to grow up. Do you see I’m wearing a toddler hat with cat ears?” Respeck.

6. Hacky-Sack ‘Stache

I don’t know, do people even play hacky sack anymore? Or is it something you do on the Wii? I’m old. If I had a fedora this would have been the hipster ‘stache, but I don’t think they have fedoras for toddlers. Maybe in hipster toddler stores?

7. Pirate

Arrghhh! I’ll tell you what plank I’d like you to walk, me matey. It’s flesh-colored. Get it? Get it?

8. Grandpa/Ernest Hemingway/Old Yosemite Sam ‘Stache

This ‘stache says to the world “I like to curse and hunt rabbits, and get off my lawn!”

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the fifth post. She would have included a picture of her own prominent mustache, but seeks to remain anonymous. 

Geraldo Geraldon’t

TV “journalist” Geraldo Rivera recently said if you present yourself a certain way expect a certain reaction from people. I’m paraphrasing. Geraldo actually used the word “gangsta” and kept saying “gangsta,” really overemphasizing the “sta” of the “gangsta” to an extent that I stuck my hand into a food processor so I could concentrate on something else.

Geraldo, of the Yosemite-Sam style mustache, should know about the damaging effects of appearance. Whenever I see him, he reminds me of  a silent movie villain who ties damsels in distress to railroad tracks.

"I kid you not. I've found more in my mustache than in Al Capone's vault."

It is uncertain whether Rivera has actually engaged in this behavior while twirling his scour-brush mustache, but he has been married five times, and these women couldn’t all have voluntarily agreed to it–some had to be under duress.

Whenever I hear him, I wish I could invent a time machine, and travel back to the time his parents met so I can break up their marriage with my serious gangsta-style seduction skillzz thereby preventing his birth.

It’s a conundrum. Does his Mario brothers’ mustache make me think he’s a narcissistic shithead or is it the shitty narcissistic things he says?

Then I think of Geraldo’s shitty, shitty words about the senseless murder of Trayvon Martin:

“People take you at what you look like” and “I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was.”

Right.

The gun in Zimmerman’s hand was only slightly responsible…as was his racism.

So maybe it is Rivera’s 1970′s porn-star-style stache–the width of which makes the Monopoly’s  Rich Uncle Pennybag’s stache look like the width of John Waters’–that makes me assume that he is a giant hairy turdball.  I mean he does look like the great porn stars of the past like Saddam Hussein and Joseph Stalin (By the way, Joseph Stalin in Boinksheviks is a must-see).

Or maybe he is a giant turdball, as a matter of fact The Turd of the Week™.

Enjoy it gangsta stylz