museum of sex

Ibex Peen and Perfume: New York Travels

I actually left my home and laptop, and traveled to New York City this past weekend.

It was weird. There was the outside and real people and very limited access to wireless networks so I could not check my wordpress site stats every five minutes like I typically do.

I met up with my two closest friends from college. We are getting old, and at one of our “Jesus Christ, we’re this old now?” celebrations–otherwise known as a birthday–we made a solemn alcohol pact that we would go on a trip every year.

This is the first.

We stayed at the Millennium Hotel near Ground Zero. I don’t have a picture of it, but I do have this:

This is my foot. I was trying to take a picture of the view. This would be the view of a bed bug sitting on top of my head.

I had just lasted six hours on a train without Internet access so I was eager to tap into the free wireless access at the hotel. No such thing in NYC. You had to pay, and considering I just doled at $4 for a tub of lip balm fit for a Barbie Doll, I figured wireless access might be a tad pricey.

We ate at a Korean restaurant the first night. I don’t remember the name because I am American and if it doesn’t say “McDonald’s” then I will not remember it so let’s just say I went to a non-McDonald’s. I don’t have a picture of my dinner, but I do have this picture I took at the Museum of Sex:

Every guy’s fantasy.

Incidentally that is not what I had for dinner.

The second day was all about seeing the sites. We stopped in a perfume shop that likely had a name, but I’ve forgotten it. The perfume was costly, like 40 tiny tubs of lip balm. I asked the saleswoman if she would be interested in developing a Christian Grey scent with me. In the Fifty Shades trilogy, Ana is always going on about the fantastic smell wafting from Christian’s body. She describes it as the “Christian smell,” which is pretty descriptive. The saleswoman asked me what that smell is and I said I believed it was a combination of Axe body wash, lube and vag-flavored ice cream. She asked me to leave.

Spritz some perfume to say a prayer for the creation of “Christian Grey Dildo Butt Plug Scentasm.”

We trekked to the Empire State Building and were immediately accosted by a bunch of people in blue vests. One blue vester had the better ticket deal, he insisted. If we purchased tickets inside the building, then we would have to wait 16 hours standing on hot coals while shadowboxing roosters. If we bought from him, we just would have to pay more. Not a bad deal.

We bought tickets inside.

The view. Not my foot.

Here are my friends:

I also do weddings.

We saw the New York Public Library…

Me and the lion who starred in Ghostbusters.

And Central Park.

Me and a fern?

A butterfly landed on my foot and made love to it for several minutes. No one seemed to care. That’s New York for you.

The butterfly moves on to make sweet love to my friend’s hand. I’ll admit it. I felt used. And a little jealous.

We had an encounter with “Joke Man,” a guy who tells jokes for $1. I warned him that I was humorless.

We had a fantastic dinner at some Italian restaurant. You should really try it if you’re ever in NY. I cannot remember the name or begin to tell you where it’s located, but check it out. I don’t have a picture of my meal because it was dark and my belly was full of Chianti and despair over making joke man displeased. But I do have this:

Bed bug peen at the Museum of Sex. This is the main reason you want to avoid bed bugs while in NY.

Incidentally I did have bed bug peen for dessert.