Most Eligible: Dallas

Speaker7’s Choice

Monday night was difficult, readers. My plan was to watch the 47th episode of Bachelor Pad, but then I learned Most Eligible: Dallas was also airing a new episode on Bravo.


What do I choose? How do I choose? How can you expect me to choose?

I felt like I was in that movie, you know, the one with Meryl Streep…where she had to make that unbelievable choice? I think it was called She-Devil? Best to do a compare/contrast.

Okay, which show is better? How can you even ask me that? That’s like asking which flavor of Ben & Jerry’s is better or which child is better if I had two children (I don’t, so in this case my one child is the most awesome).

Alright then, which story has the better storyline? Cruel…such a cruel, cruel question…*sigh*….Bachelor Pad is about people living together in a house, consuming vast quantities of alcohol and trying to find a way to win money love. Most Eligible: Dallas is about people living in a city, consuming vast quantities of alcohol and trying to avoid herpes find love.

It also has this:

Let us bow down in wonder of this splendorous horse.

Hmmm…well, which one is on earlier? Bachelor Pad.

Okay, then watch Bachelor Pad.

So I did. I listened to the little voice in my head, the voice that normally just screams and screams, and I watched Most Eligible: Dallas Bachelor Pad. Here is what happened:

A shot of a fountain. “Tonight’s rose ceremony was insane,” voiceovers someone. Who left in the last episode? I insanely don’t remember.

The host shows up and laments how things are just going to get harder; they’ll start voting off “friends” and breaking up alliances. He orders them to partner up because now “you win as a couple, get voted off as a couple.” He orders them to get to know one another and then leaves.

Blake and Erica are the only two without established partners….I wonder what will happen? Tension…waiting….I nibble on a nail…..They become partners. The other partners are Vienna and Kasey, Michelle and Graham, Holly and Michael and Ella and Kirk. Ella says she doesn’t know much about Kirk. That’s okay, neither do I. I think he’s Blake 85 percent of the time.

Competiton: The Nearly-Wed Game. Michael shows that he understands what the word literally means when he says “That’s pretty literal for us.” See he and Holly almost got married. This is a first in reality television history! Kasey is feeling confident: “So close, I can smell it.” He might be mistaking his breath for victory (Victory Breath™). Questions are asked: Who’s better in bed? How many dates does your partner need before making whoopee? Have you no sense of decency? We finally get to: How old was your partner when he lost his virginity? Graham answers: “Seven. I was 7-years-old.” And his partner Michelle gets it right.


Okay, alright, let’s all relax. It’s actually a strategy….an intelligent strategy so I’m having a hard time recovering from this, but Graham and Michelle decided that every numerical answer would be 7, every answer about a non-gender person in the house would be Michael, and every answer about a female would be Holly. This was actually……smart. I’m using smart in a recap of a reality show. History is made twice.

Blake knows he needed that rose since everyone said they hated him in the game, and shows that he doesn’t even have a basic grasp of carpentry when he says: “It’s like watching the final nail drilled into your coffin” when Graham and Michelle are announced as the winners. They high-five in a I-got-to-look-like-I-was-raped-at-7 kind of way.

They get to go on a helicopter date to watch a terrible movie.

Meanwhile, something horrible is happening at the house. I’ll let Ella explain because otherwise I will begin dry-heaving. “There’s definitely some sexual tension between Kasey and Vienna. . . right now it’s simmering. It’s going to pretty interesting when it boils over.” Power Couple™ Vienna and Kasey storm into the kitchen where food is prepared and people may actually eat, and Vienna accuses Kasey of taking off her promise ring because she will not have sex with him. Kasey says “You continually lead me on” and it looks like he’s either miming masturbation or actually doing it, and now I need to take a break to wash my eyeballs out with Clorox.

I’m back…jesus christ, they’re still arguing about this. Why didn’t you tell me? I might have to remove your promise ring…and now I’m going to transcribe (well, to the best of my ability, Kasey is completely incomprehensible most of the time) their conversation so you will have it in your mind for all eternity.

Kasey says: “Shushfsh zizzle. You’re looking crazy right now.” Pot meet kettle

“You just took a ring off my finger because I’m not having sex with you,” says Vienna.

“No because you don’t do shings shiz, you don’t follow through. Shiz shizzzzzzzzz.”

We move into the bedroom. Vienna is lying on the top bunk bed.

“I have nothing to say to you. You make such a big deal over sex,” she says.

“Because you kept telling me that’s what you wanted,” Kasey replies

“I haven’t kept telling you anything,” Vienna says.

“How can you deny it?” asks Kasey.

“Today is the first time I’ve said ANYTHING about that,” says Vienna.

“You said ‘Yes, I want to do it and then you don’t follow through’ and shizzle my nizzle. Don’t keep saying you want to do it then not.”

This interaction has completely ruined sex for you, hasn’t it.

It continues…

“I don’t keep saying anything,” says Vienna

“Yes, you do.”

“No is no. No matter if it’s not this or no that or no this or no that. No is no,” says Vienna.

“Then don’t keep telling me you’re going to,” says Kasey. Oh, now we get subtitles? NOW? After countless incomprehensible conversations, you are going to tell me what Kasey is actually saying??? Well I refuse to transcribe out of principle…shizzle shuz. Suffice to say, the couple ends up in the boom-boom room and Vienna says “Let’s get this over with.” Romance.

Let’s wrap this up because I’m tired and I’m at my highest word count.

Blake and Erica also win a date because they came in second. We witness the worst seduction in the course of history and I’ve seen several Michael Douglas movies so that is saying something. Blake “resists” Erica’s “advances”. Blake and Erica get a pair of roses that they can use to save another couple.

They decide to give them to Kasey and Vienna who conveniently are not humping or talking about humping at the time. They think they will be safe because of Kasey’s powers of persuasion.

Little do they know that most people do not understand Kasey when he speaks so Blake and Erica are voted off. There is some “sadness” on Holly’s part because she digs Blake, but I don’t care so I’m not writing about it.

I flipped to Most Eligible:Dallas and it turned out that I hadn’t missed a single second because it was on right after Bachelor Pad.

After watching five minutes, I discovered I had made the right choice, and went to bed.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again

Texas Gov. Rick Perry is known for saying controversial things like printing money is almost treasonous and the BP oil spill was an act of God. But he might be onto something with the whole Texas secession thing. At a tea party rally, Perry suggested that was a possibility because he was pandering to the crowd believed the federal government was out of control with something or other…I can only listen to politicians for so long, people. I’m not a super human. But I know a better reason:  Most Eligible: Dallas

This is a new “reality” show on Bravo. It “stars” “people” who all think they are Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City.  I watched episode 3 yesterday. I first consulted a dictionary to see if the definitions of “most” and “eligible” had changed. No, they still mean the same things…hmmm….confusing.

Shots of cityscape. A horse scratches its leg.

A horse scratches its leg

This is the most interesting moment in the show

Two people talk on the phone. We only get to see one of them. She is Carrie/Courtney and she is in bed and watches herself in the mirror while she talks to Neill. Her name is spelled out in giant letters above the mirror. This is more out of necessity then vanity when one considers the amount of alcohol she is shown consuming in an episode. Carrie/Courtney has called this summit because she slurred some things at Neill the previous evening. She hangs up the phone with a “And that’s how it’s done” and flings open her closet with an “It’s on bitches.” I’m glad she understands what’s going on.

I miss that horse.

Moving on to Matt. He is eating with an underling. Suddenly Holly shows up, conveniently wearing a wireless mic pack and all a pandemonium breaks loose. Here is their conversation:

“Long day,” Matt exhales

“How’s work?” Holly asks

“Lots of good things going on, but sometimes a bit overwhelming, you know. Don’t you feel like that? You’ve got a lot going on too,” Matt pries.

“I do except I’m going on vacation. I’ve so much to do,” Holly breathlessly confesses. A waiter sets down a parfait. “That looks good.”

“You’re going to love that,” Matt observes. “So you’ve been traveling for a little bit, but now you’re going to be here.”

“You’re always out of town,” Holly retorts.

“I know, I know, but that’s because I don’t have anything holding me down now,” Matt quips. “I’d like there to be more. What are you looking for? What’s on your agenda coming up?”

“I’m just taking it easy day by day,” Holly drones. “I’m not real thinking too much into the future right now.”

“That is so refreshing to hear that,” Matt platitudes. “I feel like I never hear that from anybody anymore.”

That is some good TV right there. I’m not sure, but I think I might have had a more compelling conversation with my 17-month-old son yesterday while watching traffic. You be the judge.

“Look, it’s a truck. Biggggggggg truck!”


“Ooohhhh! Did you see that? That car had a doggie”


“No, doggie goes ‘ruff, ruff, ruff.'”


“So what are you looking for, what’s on your agenda coming up?”


Matt says he’s not ready for commitment. The human race says “thank you.”

Carrie/Courtney and Neill summit is on bitches! Neill has a child. They wear matching fedoras. Carrie/Courtney shows up wearing a giant red tablecloth. She needs herself some wine…as do I at this point. Where is that horse? I need me some horse.

Here is that horse from a different angle. Let’s look at the horse while Carrie/Courtney speaks. It’s so much better.

Horse scratches itself

Don't pay attention to the drunk tablecloth. Just look at me.

We move ahead to Carrie/Courtney, Matt and Glenn at brunch. Carrie/Courtney brings up some cancer charity event. Cancer patients say “That’s okay. We’re doing fine. We really don’t need any help…from you….ever.” C/C has signed up Matt and Glenn to be auctioned off. They will wear shirts that say “Ask me about my package” because it’s a date package. Those are some lucky women. Someone says “This is going to be interesting” and that someone is not me.

C/C is with a blow-up doll at a nail salon. Oh, the blow-up doll is a human named Tara. That’s a neat twist. Tara Doll is dating Jody who shows up for no discernible reason. Oh dear Christ, he has a white soul patch. I’m done…

Other things that happen….Glenn rips off his shirt at the date auction. Carrie/Courtney drinks. Tara Doll claims she’s picky and goes out on a date with a turd. Carrie/Courtney would love to be a mom(!?!). Matt goes on a date with MJ, calls the waiter “buddy” and asks for the restaurant’s most eligible drinks. The waiter sets down a glass filled with a hunk of pink insulation and pours Windex over it. Unfortunately they survive.

The horse is not shown again.