mitch mcconnell

Speaker7 Solves the Deficit

The U.S. deficit is ballooning, you guys, almost as if it’s been feeding itself a steady diet of fast food hamberders. For some reason the $1.5 trillion dollar tax cut in 2017 isn’t to blame even though that caused the deficit to grow by 17 percent. How else was U.S. Rep Vern Buchanan going to pay for his $3.25 million yacht that he bought after the tax cut passed?

No the problem are the freebies that are given out to those worthless old people and those useless sick people, among others. And the wall. I mean the lack of wall or there is a wall, but it’s a fence or it’s not a fence, it’s beautiful concrete or it’s not or it is or there’s a caravan or there isn’t, but those goddamned old people and sick people with their insistence on eating food and living in shelters, the nerve.

This is some serious stuff. Do we cut off programs that save millions from destitution and an early grave or do we prevent winners from buying less yachts? You see the struggle.

I’m not a legislator, but I do see a way out of this problem that won’t entail a resurgence of poor farms and no-yacht support groups.

Hear me out.  The population of the United States is around 325 million. If you add in the 3 million who Trump claimed voted illegally for Hillary Clinton in California and the 25 million illegals he invented in a tweet then the population is, like, more.


Like 350 million hamberders. What if we made those 350 million hamberders an offer they couldn’t refuse? Like for instance, if you give the federal government $5, the federal government would let you punch Sen. Mitch McConnell in the face?


It make sense. He says and does horrible things. His face is very punchable. We have a deficit, and I’ve been wanting to take a round kick to that face for a long time, and I don’t think I’m alone.

I came to this brilliant idea watching Mitch give a speech on the Senate floor about a democratic proposal to turn Election Day into a federal holiday. Mitch would occasionally pause and swallow his lower lip as he guffawed about voting barriers being eliminated.


Mitch saw this proposal as a “political power grab.”


When I think of those unpurchased yachts, it makes me want to punch something.

Like Mitch McConnell’s face.

I have $100 saved for this venture. Won’t you please join me?


Ronald Reagan’s name is mentioned in this post.

I’m drunk.

This was unintended. I knew I needed to write a Turd of the Week™ post. The orphans of America need it. The widows of America need it. The widowed orphans of America need it.

But let’s say it: I’m in a bit of a slump. Does that make you feel better, you widowed orphans with your gruel and your tears and your “please, sir, I want some more”? I bet it does. I bet it feels just as good as a second helping of slop slopped into a dented bowl.

So I opened a bottle of wine and poured it down my gullet, hoping the fermented grapes would help me on my turd vision quest.

There is a veritable turd cornucopia happening in D.C. at this moment. The Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, is underway. Ann Coulter has stated that only pretty girls are right-wing. The name Ronald Reagan has been mentioned 5,124,902,321 times. And I have heard too much…hence the drunkative drunkical drunkation drunference of 2012 sponsored by Beringer.

I really should have stuck with sussing out the “emotional” interview a “real” “housewife” had with a “real” “doctor.” I am meaning the collagen-lipped Taylor Armstrong and the celebrity-rehabbed Dr. Drew. But I gave up after one fruitless Google search and a half-hour wasted on Facebook reading people’s Pinterests.

And while they are both turds, they did not meet the stringent requirements of Turd of the Week™.

Rep. Sen. Mitch McConnell spoke at CPAC. This is him:

He said many things I didn’t understand, but then again I do not speak turtle. He ended his speech with the rallying cry: “Don’t pick on Fox News!!”

Not bad.

But then I thought I should watch Newt Gingrich’s speech. It was 30 minutes long. Thirty minutes long. It was thirty minutes long. It was as long as a sitcom rerun without the commercial break. It’s still happening. I began writing this blog post after his 10th mention of Ronald Reagan. I pick up my earbud, and he’s still talking. “The corporate tax rate should be 12 percent. Ronald Reagan,” he bleats.

And I down my second bottle and weep.

President Obama wants to declare war on the Catholic Church, Newt insists. I am thinking this has something to do with the new health care rule that requires insurance coverage for birth control. As someone who has frequent affairs, Newt should be a fan of birth control. But he’s more a fan of pandering to a crowd of people who likely also use birth control otherwise the Duggan family wouldn’t have a reality show, right?

So he’s a giant-headed giant turd.

I’m going to go pass out now. jggjkljadlkdj