Miss America

The New Phone Book’s Here! The New Phone Book’s Here!

I have won an award.

I would like to quote the immortal words of another award winner to express my gratitude:

“Really poor children, in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and have nobody around them who works. So they literally have no habit of showing up on Monday. They have no habit of staying all day, they have no habit of I do this and you give me cash unless it’s illegal.”

Newt Gingrich said these words while accepting the World’s Biggest Humanitarian Award.

I’m sorry, I misread that. It was the BDFWTSDL Award or the Biggest Dick Figuratively with the Smallest Dick Literally Award.

Emma Burcart bestowed the Liebster Blog award upon my bloggy head. She was unsure of the meaning of the German word, and mistakenly thought it meant a lobster dinner with Liam Neeson. Little did she know that I happen to be quite the German scholar, or a weiner schnitzel as they spreck in Donnie Deutsch. I took four–entschuldigung Sie bitte–viere Jahre in high schule and know from my intensive studiching that Liebster means “ham steak.”

I would like to say danke to Emma for the support and very nice comments. She has said she’s actually drooled when reading this blog. My secret is dousing myself in Axe body spray before I write since commercials tells me this will cause people to go wild, and I never doubt the veracity of commercials.

There is a Liebster Blog criteria to follow.

Evening wear is first:

Shoo-in. Yes, not at all creepy…looks really, really…um….pretty. Yup.

Followed by swimsuit and talent.  My talent is my swimsuit.

Evidence:

Am I the only one thinking this looks a tad Michael Jacksonesque?

And lastly onstage questions.

If you can change one thing in the world, what would it be?

I would spell Sunday as Sundae and then I would eat a Sunday because that would have to be changed from Sundae to Sunday.

How would you resolve the conflict in the Middle East?

Yes.

What cutbacks have you had to make resulting from the recession?

I no longer put Craisins in my cereal. Instead I use orphan tears.

I win:

There she is…..wait, what is that?

I’ve just been informed that all this pageantry was for naught, and that I should be recognizing five other newish bloggers rather than dolling myself up to look like Michael Myers to win competitions that only exist in my mind.

It is hard to narrow down to five because there are many that I like, but if I don’t do this I won’t get to fill my mouth with ham steak or Liebster.

Here are bloggers that would score well in evening wear and/or talent swimwear:

Angie Z of Childhood Relived – In a way I am giving the award to myself because we have yet to determine whether or not we are each other alter egos. The one difference is her photographic memory of everything from her childhood (or my childhood?), which makes her blog standout. That and her talent swimwear, which manifests itself in incredibly smart and funny writing. She reminds me of David Sedaris especially in couture

Les of Best Bathroom Books – Judging by the name, one would assume Les writes about bodily functions, and that is true. But it’s in an incredibly smart way not an Adam-Sandler-I-Just-Shat-This-Script-Out-Of-My-Ass-To-Add-Another-Billion-To-My-Pile-Of-Money kind of way. His blog also contains some of the sharpest social commentary I’ve seen, kinda in the style of George Carlin. His talent swimwear is understanding the importance of dress codes.

Patrick and Gilly of It Happens Every Day – I should mention that I was briefly married to Gilly for 72 hours and Patrick is the top apostle in Speaker7ism so this may seem like nepotism, but they were chosen because their blog is a great representation of the stuff that happens every day, e.g.,  non-stop Skyrim playing, no-shaving competitions, stripper polls, Yankee candle pilgrimages–you know, every day stuff.

Nancy of Not Quite Old – I’ve been following Nancy pretty much since wordpress birthed me into existence. She has the amazing ability to write a hilariously meandering post one day and a charming, touching post the next.

Jo Eberhardt of the Happy Logophile– Logophile, I believe is a German word, for someone who files logos. Amazingly her blog transcends that hobby and is a great mix of posts on writing and general absurdities.

There are many other bloggers I love to read, but as I said the ham steak has limited me to five because more can cause bloat. These other fantastic bloggers are listed in my blogroll.

Oh, and I’m suppose to post the award. I changed it a little to accurately reflect the meaning of the word.

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