matt lauer

I Just Bought Breast Enlargement Drops

I wish people could know more about me.

I wish there was some way, I could show everyone my very essence. I know I can status update and tell people I used a fork correctly for once on Facebook. I know I can tweet and tell people I blew my nose into a colander on Twitter. And while both things are incredibly fascinating in the way it’s fascinating to read someone was delivered a virtual fortune cookie on Facebook and LOL!!!!!, I feel like all of you are missing out because you are not privy to all the minutiae that makes up a Speaker7-like existence. And in a way, I feel like I miss out on many things that I do because I’m too busy watching TV to notice. Like once I ate a carrot dipped in humus and it tasted okay, but I didn’t really think too much about it, and what did the world lose by that? (Answer: everything)

But holy sh*t! I guess there is a way to share my very essence because now I can share what I buy on Amazon.com with my millions of Facebook and Twitter followers. This is like Christmas, Drinking Straw Day and Mormon Pioneer Day all wrapped together in a smushed package taped together by Mormons using drinking straws.

What a wonderful and glorious time we live in! Before, we would just buy a bunch of crap and let it pile up until the rat swarms arrived and ate us whole. But now! Glory be to somebody, everyone can know what crap everyone buys. This was a discovery I recently came upon when I had to buy some crap to show people how much I love them. Thank god, that’s over because now I don’t have to talk to them again for a full year.

So here I lay it all bare for you. This is my holiday gift, and it’s a doozy because by knowing all there is to know about me means you know more about me.

This is me, in a snapshot of Amazon.com purchases. Let there be peace on earth.

It will soon be safe to come within 50 feet of me.

I bought this for my daughter. My daughter's name is ... um...Daughter...yes that's her name.

The smell will never go away. Even if you try soaking yourself in tomato juice, the stench never dissipates.

An absolute necessity.

And the money will come rolling in. Seriously I need it to pay my Amazon bill.

There are no words.

I wear this when looking at my Twilight ball.

Newt Gingrich is single, right?

The last time I knew, he was in Donald Trump's ass.

I like to shave when watching Where in the World is Matt Lauer.

The local unemployment offices need to start looking at this as an option.

RIP Dear Leader

What a glorious time we live in.

And finally my tangible gift to you.

But Speaker7, you’ve been so generous! How can you possibly give us something else?

Just shut up.

blog disclaimer: this post may cause this ailment. Reader beware.

The Cream of the Crop

This horrible guy makes a business trip to Mexico to check on his factory that manufactures relaxable pickle toys, you know, those things you squeeze to relieve stress. His workers work in the most deplorable conditions imaginable–no ventilation, zero safety apparatus, rabid zombie dogs–get paid literally in peanuts and make toys that are predominately comprised of asbestos-covered lead. This guy’s biggest customers are school districts that buy his comparably cheaper relaxable pickles to hand out as character education awards to children.

On route to his factory, he stops at a roadside restaurant and indulges his insatiable appetite (I should mention that he’s nearly 400 pounds) by eating his weight in chimichangas. The last one, a deep-fried burrito filled with pork anus, sends him running to the bathroom. He throws open the stall door and encounters the filthiest toilet in the history of sewage: the seat is discolored due to a build-up of fecal matter, the toilet bowl makes a factory-farm manure lagoon seem like a mineral bath. But our hero does not care as he tugs furiously at his belt and tries to ignore the giant floating turd on top of partially decomposed shit pile.

For some reason, I thought of this when I heard Matt Lauer say Newt Gingrich had risen to the top of the field of Republican candidates running for president.

Way to go buddy!

And he’s getting a bit of a boost from a wad of cotton candy wrapped tightly around a partially digested pork-anus chimmichanga that has clogged up the toilet. I’m sorry, I meant to say he’s getting some support from Donald Trump.

Matt Lauer interviewed Donald Trump, and it was the first time I’ve ever witnessed a long distance hand job.

Oh, this is weird….today Donald happens to be releasing his new book (among other things), what a strange coincidence since he has also scheduled his own presidential debate on Dec. 27. His book is called Dipshits Like Me are the Reason America is Collapsing. 

“This debate isn’t going to be all about Donald Trump. You’re not going to use this to get on center stage and talk about what you believe?” Matt inquires.

This is what Donald believes:

“When I put the steaks on the grill, I tell each one ‘You’re fired.’

Matt asks Donald what he thinks about Newt’s loving characterization of poor children who know nothing of work because their parents are lazy a**holes sucking furiously at the teat of the welfare system.

“Sounds about right,” says Donald who has pocketed millions in government subsidies.

Matt asks if Donald will think about getting in the race a second time when he needs a rating boost.

If the country continue to go down the drain, Trump answers. And he is just the wad of cotton candy wrapped tightly around a partially digested pork-anus chimmichanga to stop it.

Huey Lewis was Right

I do not take nearly enough drugs as the TV tells me I should take. It seems like every commercial is either that horrible Target lady in a track suit or a pharmaceutical drug that I should be consulting my doctor about.

I have many medical problems–most of them are the result of my daily exposure to the Today show. My legs get all restlessly, I find it impossible to get it up and my face creases when I show expression. I clearly need to do something about this, and refraining from watching the Today show is NOT an option–890% of my posts are about the Today show. I also need a pill that will help me improve in math.

I don’t remember there being a ton of pharmaceutical drug commercials when I was a kid. Then I took a Donepezil® and remembered that the FDA made the big change in 1997 that allowed drug companies to bring their wonderful message to TV–with the big side effects caveat. By the way, the Donepezil® caused some drowsiness, diarrhea and restless leg syndrome, but then I took a Sinemet® to quell the restlessness and that caused confusion and dry mouth so I took another Donepezil® and the cycle continued for 16 hours.

I have narrowed down my pharmaceutical choices to three, and have included their ads. I would like you to help me make my decision for me. That is the Cymbalta® talking. It also made me constipated and suffer from oversharing.

The first is Latisse®. Latisse® treats hypotrichosis, which is a made-up word for “not enough eyelashes.”

The thing is I DO plan to use my eyes for vision…otherwise this one is pretty good.

My next choice is Pristiq®, which will help me deal with the depression I feel whenever Matt Lauer opens his mouth.

I am a fan of dolls, but not of nausea…otherwise not bad.

Then there’s Ambien®, which I need to help me sleep when my usual routine of hitting myself with a hammer fails.

I love roosters, but hate insomnia especially if a rooster is present–I’m complex like that.

Pick your favorite in the comments area. Important side effects of leaving a comment are:

1) dry mouth

2) finger fatigue

3) uncontrollable urge to pee

I’ve Come to the Conclusion that I Hate Myself

Maybe hate is too strong a word…I guess I loathe myself. Here is my proof: I’m in the kitchen, pouring my 11th cup of coffee when my husband calls to me “Donnie Deutsch is up next on the Today show” and my response is “I guess I should watch.”

I guess I should watch because I loathe myself. The first time I saw Donnie Deutsch, I was a Donnie Deutsch newbie (I was originally going to type virgin, but I could not stop dry heaving) so I really had no idea what to expect. I mean, it was the fourth hour of the Today show so it was destined to be awful, but I had no idea how incomprehensibly awful.

Lifeintheboomerlane actually googled Donnie Deutsch, found out his first name is spelled with a “y” and viewed a picture of him in a speedo. I am presently taking up a collection to pay for the many hours of therapy she now needs.

She discovered he is a “TV personality” whatever that is, but today he is a Today “professional.”(???)

Matt Lauer–not wearing glasses, but holding them in his hand, which still gives the appearance of intelligence–interviewed three Today professionals (???) about the “latest headlines and trends.”

Matt first asks: “What is with this latest trend of demeaning the word ‘professional’ by labeling total morons as professionals?”

No, I’m sorry that wasn’t the first question.

It was “Black Friday starts on Thursday? Whas up, dawgs?” (I’m paraphrasing)

Donnie answers: “You know, I’m so tired of people blaming the media for destroying things guess what if you don’t want to go to a store on Thanksgiving don’t go I mean by the way everything is supply and demand if consumers didn’t demand that we wouldn’t do it but I’m so tired of the media causes are destroying the holiday don’t go to the store.”

That was a very professional answer.

Matt’s all like “dude, what about the people who have to work at these retail establishments? They have to leave their families on Thanksgiving Day and deal with the PTSD that comes from watching people get trampled by other people desperate to purchase a Forever Lazy® for under $4.”

Donnie replies: “Guess what guess what guess what I think of the millions unemployed, I think a lot of people would be thankful to work on Thanksgiving unfortunately.”

I wonder how many of those millions wish they could make a lot of money being a TV personality with no discernible talent.

Hold the presses. Republican presidential front runner Newt Gingrich said something awful. To read about how totally awesome Newt Gingrich is, check out Best Bathroom Books.

Here’s what he said: “You say to somebody you shouldn’t work before you’re what, 14, 16 years of age, fine. You’re totally poor. You’re in a school that is failing with a teacher that (sic) is failing. I’ve tried for years to have a very simple model. Most of these school ought to get rid of the unionized janitors, have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work, they would have cash, they would have pride in the schools, they’d begin the process of rising.”

Child labor laws are like soooo 1930s. Child labor is good for the soul.

Donnie says this: “Newt Gingrich. I think what he forgot is being a janitor is not a simple thing, it’s chemicals it’s HVAC.”

Dear Newt:

When Donnie Deutsch makes more sense than you, it’s time to hang it up.

With much love,

Speaker7

News alert: It’s the end of the ’50s male, according to Matt Lauer. I have no idea what that means, but apparently lots of men said it was okay if their wives or partners were the family breadwinners. “Is this enlightment,” Matt asks, gripping his glasses very tightly. “Or a sign of the economic times?”

“I’ll tell you why right now the latter point that Matt made these times are so dire that I think a lot of men of hey wherever it comes from having said that I want to be the main breadwinner in my family maybe that makes me insecure or what not as a man, but I think if we took the survey 5 years ago, we’d have a different answer,” screeches Donnie.

One of the other professionals, Starr Jones, said “God told Adam to go to work. . . it’s something innate in a man.” God also was pissed when Onan ejaculated into the ground rather than into his brother’s wife so make of that what you will.

Matt finally gets to the burning issue: Turkey or stuffing?

“Stuffing,” Donnie professionally replies, “Because there’s turkey all year round stuffing separates it.”

I was right the first time: I hate myself.

 

 

 

 

Why in the World

It was tough this weekend, wasn’t it?

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying. . .

Planning and dreaming each night of his charms. . .

I’m speaking obviously of Matt Lauer and the return of Who Gives a Giant F*** Where Matt Lauer is. . .Seriously, Man. It’s a f****** Recession. I Can’t Pay My Mortgage and You Expect Me To Play Along with Some Dumb Game That Just Shows the Obscene Amount of Money Television Has to Waste? on the Today Show.

On Friday, Matt left viewers with a cryptic clue to figure out where he would turn up on Monday. I spent all weekend mulling it over, which proved difficult because I had not actually seen that segment. I assumed the riddle was this: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

All week we’ll get to follow clues and try to guess what place Matt Lauer deems worthy enough to bark orders at production assistants to bring him steamy hot caffé macchiatos.

Oh I’m sorry… my husband just informed me that the actual title is Where in the World is Matt Lauer. There’s even a jingle!

Where in the world
Where in the world
is Matt Lauer

Show me a sign
Give me a clue
Tell me a hint
and show me something new

It’s a global mystery
You’ve got to watch and see

Where in the world
Where in the world is Matt Lauer

Who in the world
would watch a tool
like Matt Lauer

on the TV
Skiing on sand
Thought life had meaning
We’re all damned

It’s an anniversary
one I wish I didn’t see.

Can you explain
Can you explain
a Matt Lauer.

Apparently three other people–Ann Curry, Al Roker and Natalie Something–care where Matt Lauer is. They, like me, questioned all weekend. They also get paid millions. That is not like me.

So where the f*** is he? The clue was this: Conjures up thoughts of a child’s worst fright, but there’s no people to scare in this skier’s delight.

Okay…child’s worst fright? Vampires, clowns, serial killers, Penn State football coaches (too soon?). Skier’s delight. . . hmm . . that means snow, which means cocaine. Matt Lauer has traveled back in time to the Manson murders.

No, he’s in Namibia. All kids are afraid of skeletons, explains Matt. They are?

And you can ski on sand dunes in the desert on the skeleton coast of Namibia hence the no people and skier’s delight.

Okay, that clue was lame even by Today show standards.

So here’s Matt skiing:

And he’ll be somewhere else tomorrow.

It’s a global mystery. . .  one I hope I never see.

FAQs

This post is for Angie.

We share a love of Shaun Cassidy and Ralph Macchio and a hatred of candy corn and elephant peanuts. While we have never met, I believe we are kindred spirits. If you have not read any of her writings, you must go to her site now.  I’ll wait.

You’re back? Her writing is extremely funny, right? I probably should have had you click after you read my post….

Anyhoboken, it saddened me that my post about fame-demon Kim Kardashian’s marriage divorce left Angie with many questions. If you didn’t click on the link, I will give you a summary of my post. I wrote about how I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.

I was going to write today’s post on my solution to the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, but I felt this was much more pressing. It’s probably for the best because my husband just informed me that they are not in fact rock bands. (my solution had something to do with a rock off, which is a twist on the dance off: see Michael Jackson’s Beat It. It might possibly still apply)

I will answer the most important question first:

The jelly I put on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich was Welch’s grape jelly. I use that squeezable bottle kind. It’s really quite handy.

I will tackle the second most important question now: What does Matt Lauer think about this? This question has the presupposition that Matt Lauer thinks. For the sake of answering this question speedily, I will overlook that and assume that he does. I didn’t know what Matt Lauer “thought” when I wrote yesterday’s post, but I do now.

Well sorta…

“This has a lot of people shaking their heads,” said Matt Lauer before segueing into a docudrama about Kim’s love affair with butter.

An E! Keebler elf said this: “They’re in the public eye, lots of attention and lots of speculation, and frankly lots of pressure…”

Two of my eyelashes start to rub against each other approximating a tiny violin. It plays Big Bottom by Spinal Tap, which was the song playing when Kim walked down the aisle.

“And that couldn’t have helped. Up next Kim and Khloe Kare Kfor Kittens!”

Tomorrow, Matt Lauer will have the exclusive interview with Kim’s mom Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner’s original face, which she keeps in velvet-lined box. Perhaps I will be able to better answer that question then or maybe I will luck out and the world will end tonight.

Angie wanted to know why Kim was getting a divorce after only 72 days of marriage. I shot over to the TMZ website, and I believe my soul was just sucked out through my eyeballs.

Kim blogged about this. She said she got caught up in the hoopla of trying to stay relevant when she had nothing to offer the world. That might not be an accurate reading of what Kim wrote, but I lost my soul so what can you expect?

You can expect that I will have my own reality television show in about two weeks.

My New Exclusive Best Friend

This is a momentous time.

I’m not talking about the return of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer,” a segment where Matt Lauer travels to five secret destinations and everyone or no one should care, take your pick. I pick no one.

I’m also not talking about the release of Clown Beck’s new book I Cry Therefore I Am: A Study of Adult Baby Syndrome. It sounded really good when he cried about it to Kathie Lee Gifford. “I’m much more than a cartoon character,” he cried cryingly.

Heinz is releasing a new ketchup, an exclusive ketchup only available to the billions of people who use Facebook. This is a big story. I heard about this on NPR this morning. I first had to check that NPR was still a news agency (it is) and then I realized that this was a momentous time hence the opening line of this post.

The new flavor is balsamic vinegar ketchup. You can obtain it by becoming its friend on Facebook.

I am very excited. I’ve never made friends with a ketchup before, let alone a famous ketchup. At first I thought I mustard misheard, but now I relish the opportunity.

I wonder what its status updates will be?

Maybe “I’m a ketchup! Just sayin.” or “I may be a ketchup, but even I don’t give a flying f*** about ‘Where in the World is Matt Lauer.'”

I cannot wait to find out.

I wonder if it will like the same bands as me or watch the same TV shows. I hope so because I don’t know what else we can talk about.

Will it laugh, if I put “Heinzee, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship” on its wall?

Will it get angry if I question why that watery crap always seems to come out first and ruin my hamburger?

Will it be a godketchup to the second child I’m pressured into having by work acquaintances?

Endless possibilities…people are already posting how excited they are on the original Heinz ketchup Facebook page. These people have incredibly fulfilling lives covered in generous amounts of tomato concentrate.

This is what the original Heinz ketchup has as its status update: “Pumpkins aren’t just for carving! This weekend enjoy our Pumpkin Spice Bars as a delicious treat while you put the finishing touches on your Halloween costumes.”

Pumpkin spice bars made out of ketchup sound wonderful…almost as wonderful as becoming friends with a bottle of ketchup.

Momentous times.

Puppet Show then Spinal Tap

Snooki wrote another book.

It is titled The Medium is the Massage: An Inventory of Effects.

That might be wrong.

Anyhoo, the Today show had an exclusive interview with Snookie née Nicole Polizzi about her new book. The female anchorbot then said something like:

“And in our studios, another intriguing woman Bette Midler.”

Yes Bette Midler is following Snooki. Bette Midler, who has been an entertainment fixture for decades. Yes Bette Midler who has an actual discernible talent, multi-talented in fact–she sings, she tells jokes, she acts–she is following a woman who took a dump in a potted plant.

But, wait! Maybe I’m being too judgmental. Maybe Snookie Monster has something meaningful to say….or expel from her bowels.

Let’s listen.

Magical.

“Whatchyoo been up to?” Matt Lauer inquires.

“Just busy with my book. . . and the downfall of civilization,” she answers.

“How would you say the Italians reacted to you,” Matt Lauer probes.

“They loved us. They would shout whatever the Italian word for ‘gonorrhea queen’ is,” Snooki answers. “I think I just peed on this chair.”

“Your book is called Confessions of a Guidette,” Matt Lauer begins. “When I was a kid, journalists actually interviewed people about newsworthy information or what I meant to say when I was growing up, calling someone a guido was not the nicest thing to say.”

“It’s not really a compliment, it’s a lifestyle” Snooki explains. “In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions, you can be a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Or a guidette.”

“Do we ever get to see the real you on this show,” Matt Lauer digs. “I think you even said reality TV is not normal life, it’s the most dysfunctional moments rolled into a ball–in your case a meatball. Do we ever get to see the real Nicole on TV.”

“I am what happens when a consumer capitalist society ships all its jobs oversees and produces nothing. People become product. The concept of ‘Snooki’ is something that sells, it has no grounding in any reality,” Snooki replies.

Or she might have said that Snooki is a party girl.

Matt Lauer asked other questions. Snooki answered them.

“What kind of guy do you like,” Matt says, smoothing down the seventh strand on his head.

“BURRRRPPPPPPP!” Snooki replies.

And next up is Bette Midler.

Hopefully she at least got the larger dressing room.

He Brings A Lot of People

I have mentioned before how I’m not really up on politics, preferring to get my political news from the inside of Snapple bottle caps:

Real Fact #902: Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

What the Snapple bottle cap failed to tell me is that someone cares what Donald Trump thinks about the 25 assorted Garbage Pail Kids seeking the GOP nomination for president.

That someone is Matt Lauer.

"Check this out. 'You're fired!'"

The GOP hopefuls have been seeking an audience with Donald.

“When you sit down with these people what do they want?” Matt probes with his finger.  “Do they want your money, do they want your megaphone, do they want your stamp of approval, do they want to be the next Miss Universe, do they want the cell phone number of your hairstylist?”

"Tell me, how natural does my hair look?"

They want his endorsement, Trump explains. And he believes the reason is because “I bring a lot of people.”

To lunch?

To bankruptcy proceedings?

He doesn’t elaborate.

Matt probes deeper.

"I think your hair looks very natural."

Do you want to be the king of the world or something to that effect, Matt asks.

Trump wants to make this country great again, he says. He wants to bring it back to the  time when Bret Michaels sang “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” on Celebrity Apprentice. I have never seen Celebrity Apprentice, but considering Bret Michaels has sung it on every other reality show, I feel safe in saying this is what Donald Trump is talking about.

The interview continues with Matt Lauer asking for Donald Trump’s take on the various candidates, and this is about as meaningful to me as if Matt Lauer interviewed a wadded up piece of paper about the state of affairs.

In fact that would be preferable.

"I bring a lot of paper"

Matt Lauer decides to get real with Donald Trump saying “You are never shy about expressing an opinion so I want you to express a heartfelt opinion right now.”

I wipe a tear running down my face with a wadded up piece of paper in a bad toupee.

“You talk about the country as not being great anymore and it needs to return to its greatness. Of the candidates you see out there, which one is most likely to return this country to greatness.”

I personally would rather hear heartfelt opinions from the following:

A dog.

A plunger.

A wad of gum stuck to the bottom of a shoe.

An actual turd.

The turd says he doesn’t want to say, he can’t say who he will endorse because it would not be fair to the other candidates.

Oh, I’m sorry…that’s how Donald Trump answered. I just got him mixed up with a turd.

Real Fact #903: That happens a lot.

Betrayed by Journey

Okay Today show. I really wanted to lay off you today. I feel like I’ve been continually slamming every “news” bit you try to pass off as real news so I really wanted to give you a break today, Today.

But then you go and do this:

"There is no reason for me to be on TV, yet here I am!"

You have an “exclusive” interview with a loser, and devote nearly 10 minutes to it so what else can I do? You know they’re going to start hydrofracking in my state, right? The state where the Today show is filmed? Yeah, you’ve mentioned zero about that, and that shit is serious. But you give nearly 10 minutes to a bag a crap that did nothing more than sneak into a White House party. I feel like I’ve been betrayed by Journey, but we will get to that later.

So this loser, Tareq Ding-Dong, is weepy because his famewhore wife left him to go live with a leprechaun. Wait…that is a guitarist from Journey. What has happened to his face?

"I am Pennywise, the dancing clown"

Okay so he’s not exactly a clown. He looks more like this:

The clown is actually less scary.

This is a sidenote: To the older people of the world, please, please, please, stop putting plastic or poison into your faces. You do not look younger, you just look horribly horribly disfigured. I may not be the person to take advice from because I’ve already decided I’m keeping my gray hairs because I’m too lazy to go to a salon to maintain a dye job, but I think I speak for the world, when I say, you look so much better if you just age normally. Meg Ryan used to be beautiful, and now she looks like that leprechaun guitarist from Journey. End sidenote.

Ding-Dong had a beautiful marriage to Mrs. Ding-Dong until she went and jumped on a tour bus.

“(Mrs. Ding-Dong) going on a tour bus with a rock band,” weeps douche Ding-Dong. “That’s like what a groupie slut does.”

Mr. Ding-Dong, please do not denigrate the groupie sluts of the world by lumping your famewhore wife in that category. Groupie sluts actually contribute something to society–while that something may be herpes, your type contributes to the decline of civilization.

At first, Mr. Ding Dong thought his wife was taken by a dingo. He even texted Matt Lauer with his concerns. Matt Lauer first, then the FBI.

Matt Lauer is wearing his reading glasses in this “exclusive” interview signaling that this is some serious business.

“Okay dumbass, didn’t you have some clue?” says Matt Lauer, his reading glasses balanced on the end of his nose.

No, says Mr. Ding-Dong. We have new contracts, new TV offers. “We were on a comeback, if you will.” Let me help you for a second, Mr. Ding-Dong. One can have a comeback if one actually had a career to begin with (see: John Travolota and Pulp Fiction)…you cannot have a comeback if you are just a complete and utter loser who, again, did nothing more than a crash a State dinner.

“So Mrs. Ding-Dong left to be with a troll,” says Matt Lauer, peering over his glasses.

“A leprechaun,” corrects Mr. Ding-Dong. “We were best friends. In fact, I was friends with all of Journey. I feel like I’ve been betrayed by the whole gang of Journey.”

Mr. Ding-Dong, in essence, stopped believin’.

Matt Lauer dons a pair of kid gloves. “Here are some comments she made, and I’m paraphrasing,” he says. “She couldn’t take it anymore. Not only was she always in love with this leprechaun, you became unbearable to live with.”

She’s very cold, Mr. Ding-Dong replies. “I twitted (Mrs. Ding-Dong) please our dog is dying right now.” Twitted is just so, so apt.

The dog died, but did Mrs. Ding-Dong care?

“You are clearly emotional about this,” says Matt Lauer, seriously straightening his glasses. “And I apologize for being blunt here, but there are probably people watching, saying this couple became famous for all the wrong reasons. They then tried to stretch that 15 minutes of fame for as long as they possibly could and this is not an unexpected turn of events in what is in some ways a slow-motion train wreck called the (Ding-Dongs).”

Mr. Ding-Dong wishes Ashton Kutcher would jump out of the wings and blah blah blah, but alas, Mr. Ding-Dong has been lied to and duped.

“Do you want to say anything to Mrs. Ding-Dong? And let me just say that another million children now live in poverty…wait, I don’t want to say that because that is actually of some concern…um…right, do you want to say something to a person no one should ever care about,” states Matt Lauer.

“She broke our family,” drones Mr. Ding-Dong. “She broke our love. . . she wanted more fun, more fame, more celebrity. . . She jumped on a tour bus from the 1980s.”

Now that would be something I would like to see….only if the tour bus went off a cliff…and Mr. Ding-Dong was on it.