livestock

Stillborn Turd

What are the differences between cows and women? I’m sorry I should probably rephrase that. Are there any differences between cows and women?

Hmmm.

I honestly don’t know. They both produce milk. They both can be moo-thers (did you see what I did there? No, I don’t either). They both are livestock.

I can see then why Terry England, a Georgia state representative, thought it completely appropriate to talk about livestock delivering stillborn babies in a discussion about a bill requiring women to deliver stillborn babies. Well, the bill prohibits any abortion after 20 weeks even if the fetus or mother are in distress.

Guys, Terry’s been there. He’s been there when his cow delivered a stillborn calf. He’s seen his pigs deliver stillborn piglets. It breaks his heart, but the point is–they can do it. So why can’t the ladies, am I right?

Why can’t the ladies just eat their cud, swish their tails and not worry about the dead fetal tissue inside of them until they lay on the barnyard floor and Terry shows up.

It’s completely the same.

Oh wait—I forgot the amazing incentive. Listen to this, it is seriously awesome. So Terry England was talking to some young feller about “dog or hog hunting” (that’s a thing?), and the feller’s like “Look, I make my living fighting chickens.”

This guy is total “salt of the earth people,” Terry assures.

He says “Terry, I’ve got to tell you something…when they quit killing babies, they can have every chicken I’ve got.”

Excuse me. I need to compose myself.

I’m back.

So can we do that everyone? Can we think of the poor, poor chickens? Aren’t chickens–like women–livestock too? I know they lay eggs, but sometimes those eggs are empty, and then used in Easter egg hunts.

I imagine Terry England has advisers, right? I wonder how that conversation went after Terry delivered that heartbreaking speech.

Adviser: Okay, so tell me again what you said.

England: I said calves and pigs deliver stillborn babies all the time so why not women who are mainly a different type of livestock.

Adviser: Wow. Okay. Um. Okay.

England: I was just speaking from my salt-of-the-earth heart.

Adviser: I understand. Not the best comparison, I might add.

England: Does it really matter? It’s not like they can vote.

Adviser: No..no actually they can. Since 1920, as a matter of fact. So yes, they do vote.

England: Shit. Are you sure? Cuz last I checked, my cows don’t go to the polls.

Adviser: Right, but see, women are humans.

England: No way. Really?

Adviser: Yes.

England: Goddang.Well, look, I was just talking to my buddies. No one’s going to care about that.

Adviser: You were giving a speech before the Georgia Legislature, and it was filmed.

England: I like hog hunting.

Adviser: It’s okay. I think we can spin it…..maybe we can say your microscopic penis made you say these things. It is really small. I mean, it’s almost a vagina, but the good thing is no one would make you actually carry dead fetal tissue because you have no reproductive organs, and that is beyond insane, but my point is, is that you have the smallest dick in the world.

England: Yup.

Adviser: So even if your career in politics is over, you could have a career going to state fairs as the man with smallest penis in the history of penises–so that’s something.

England: I like dog hunting.

What also is something, is that I found my Turd of the Week™ and it’s only Tuesday. Way to go America!

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