life in the boomer lane

50 Shades of Shame

I just bought a bathing suit.

This might not seem like a big deal, but it is for me. My current suit– the faded, shapeless, stringy, ragged, dust cloth–has seen better days.

My suit. Incidentally the Shamwow™ spokesman has also seen better days.

In fact its best day was in the year 2000, when I first purchased it. Prior to that purchase, I wore my mother’s bathing suit from the 1980s. I’ve always considered myself somewhat a fashion icon.

I was hoping it would see me through another decade, but alas, that is not possible. My toddler son takes a weekly swimming class, and we are one swim class away from him completely dismantling the top of my swim garment. He is very fond of the clutch-grip-at-the-chest-and-the-yanking-down-to-expose-mom swim stroke. So my new suit is one of armor.

It could be. I wouldn’t know because I didn’t try it on and just purchased blindly from a Land’s End catalog. It should be arriving any day now. If it fits, it will be a miracle.

This incredibly fascinating anecdote is to showcase how much I procrastinate. I feel that once I do something, e.g., go through the humiliation of trying on a bathing suit and suppress the thoughts of others who tried it on before me, then that task has been completed for the remainder of my lifetime, and I can move on to the next horrendous venture.

I weeded that dirt patch I call a garden last year…why, for the love of mulch, must I do it again? I gave birth to the one kid…why, for the love of inappropriate conversations with total strangers, must I go through it again?

I have been keeping 50 Shades of Grey at bay for some time now.

It held as much appeal as a Spam® sundae.

This is also 50 shades of f***ed up.

I don’t want to read it. I really don’t.

But then I click on Renee of Life in the Boomer Lane. She has written about the book in a way that makes me want to read the book, which I think is the exact opposite of her intent.

But today I was like “Oh wow!” and my inner goddess did the salsa with the succubus that took over my soul. If you have read the books, this sentence would make sense. I have not read the books so I am very confused by what I just wrote.

Her first 50 Cents of Rap post appeared in March. I thought “Hmm, sounds awful. No way can I put myself through that. It took days to erase Twilight from my sparkly marbled brain.”

Co-workers and friends began reading it. I would overhear snippets of conversation about  it–“anal fisting. tee-hee!”–but I would tune it out for more important endeavors like fastening another bobby pin to my bathing suit strap.

Just recently Renee compared E.L. James’ prose with the Bible using lines like “My subconscious nods sagely.” And I’m like “Oh wow? What the fuck does that even mean?!?” and then my subconscious nodded sagely, and I was like “Okay! Beat me with a string of anal beads or whatever Christian does so erotically in the book. I need to buy this lump of crap!”

And so it happened.

And my 30 minutes is already up. It took me that long to make my delicious Spam® sundae.

Wife Swap: Klondike Bar Quandary

Editor’s note: The act of blogging follows a consistent path. There is the coming up of ideas; the writing of ideas; the hiding under the table while one weeps; the drinking of coffee laced with rum; the self-loathing followed by self-congratulating and then more self-loathing; the watching of TV; the shaking of the fist at not getting Freshly Pressed; the drinking of rum laced with coffee; and the eventual publishing. But sometimes a giant roadblock is thrown up on the path that causes the entire system to break down. This is called writer’s block. This is something all bloggers experience, and if you don’t, please do not tell us because we will wish ill of you. This was something that happened recently, and from despair, an idea was born. Life in the Boomer Lane and Speaker7 decided to swap posts that lingered for centuries in draft form to see what would transpire. Would it be as brilliant as the time Gary Busey and Ted Haggard swapped wives and caused the downfall of civilization? We don’t know. But we do know that no hair pulling or fingernail scratching or bloodshed ensued. So that’s something. The rest is up to you.  

It’s the eternal question:

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

People do some really crazy things, according to my teacher TV. Guys will put dishes in the dishwasher! Guys will massage their horrible mother-in-laws’ feet! Guys will wax their balls!

Clearly people will submit to acts of humiliation such as putting dishes away for the chance to eat a block of ice cream coated in a chocolate that will end up all over their hands and faces.

A couple of Internet entrepreneurs or Intreprenets, as I call them, realized this too, and also realized that a box of Klondike bars costs around $4.50, and created Fiverr, a website where people can buy and sell “gigs” for $5.

You can pay someone $5 to be your girlfriend for a week on Facebook or $5 to read a scan of your palm. You can pay a guy to make his pectoral muscles dance or take a cold bath fully clothed while holding a sign.

Ah, the free market!

This got Renee of Life in the Boomer Lane thinking what she would do for $5. She came up with “executor of your will” and then grew tired of the subject and passed the eternal Klondike bar question to me.

So this got me thinking: What can I do for $5?

. . .

Hmm. I obviously needed help so I took one of those quizzes that tells you everything you need to know about yourself: What Kind of Cosmo Girl Are You?

Apparently “chicks these days” fall into one of four categories of fowl. What kind of bird am I?

The questions were intense and really seemed to get to the root of being a bird. Ex:

It turned out I’m a Foghorn Leghorn. This was fantastic news, but still didn’t help me with my quest. I looked to Fiverr for assistance and it said: “focus on serious offerings that will be beneficial to potential buyers.” I also consulted my brain and it said: don’t do anything that requires skill or takes a lot of time.

Okay.

Potential gigs:

The Wall Street experience – I will take your $5 and give you this in return and then take your house.

Awesome Drawing: I will draw you a picture of my choosing and take a picture of it.

They will all look like this.

Original Song – I will write and perform an original song and call it “_____’s Candle in the Wind”.

And finally,

This is What You Really Want Anyway so Why Go Through All This Rigmarole Gig:

Melting optional.