kathie lee gifford

I like my up with a little ness

I like knowledge. I like to be in the know and know…um… things? Yes, things. And after watching a segment on Hoda and Kathie Lee on the Today show, I know so much less.

The segment was  pitched as “if you have trouble understanding how men think then watch” and I was told by Hoda to sit and take notes. So I did. I also bashed myself in the head several times with a shoe, but this was after I watched the segment.

The dystopic duo was interviewing Donnie Deutsch, who can settle your tax debt for twenty dwollars!! Twenty dwollars! I am mistaken. That is Roni Deutch. Donnie Deutsch is ??? I have no idea and no one explains. He has knowledge.

What does a man find sexy in a woman?

“Ah you know what, there is no one you can’t you know I don’t think I can answer that on behalf of all men one thing that men overall find is upness,” Donnie Deutsch eloquently answers.

Got it. Wait….what?

Upness is energy, according to Donnie. I looked it up in Merriam-Webster Online and the dictionary responded: What craziness did you just type?

Donnie then cups his hands in front of his chest to insinuate big boobies. Classy in a very upness kind of way. I should mention that Donnie Deutsch sounds exactly like Joe Pesci. And is actually a clown and wants to amuse you, but really, really fails.

Next question.

Is the first date too soon to ask what the guy is looking for in a relationship?

“Yes, first of all never ask a guy what he’s looking for let it happen, but you definitely do, you definitely do not, the first date don’t do anything about you as a couple, just talk enjoy be fun okay and never say where are we going?” says Donnie like he’s reading a Shakespearean sonnet.

You know what a man wants to hear, says Kathie Lee. “Tell me about you.”

Donnie says a man wants to hear ‘wow’ and he giggles uncontrollably. This is becoming uncomfortable or I should say more uncomfortable? Or downness? Yes, it’s becoming downness.

Can long distance relationships actually work?”

“Absolutely you know they’ve done a study recently that when time, when you’re apart, it’s interesting you travel don’t you appreciate Frank [Gifford] that much more when you’ve come back I think time apart with a couple is very, very healthy,” answers Deutsch as if he were giving the preamble to the I Have a Dream speech.

Got it. So I should swing with another couple while I’m apart from my husband.

How do you get a guy to become more romantic?

“I think first of all you can’t make someone be romantic they either are or they’re not, you can also say there are things we, we don’t know a lot of stuff,” Deutsch rhapsodies in a Sermon-on-the-Mount like rap.

I would agree. You do not know a lot of stuff.

And now neither do I.


My New Exclusive Best Friend

This is a momentous time.

I’m not talking about the return of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer,” a segment where Matt Lauer travels to five secret destinations and everyone or no one should care, take your pick. I pick no one.

I’m also not talking about the release of Clown Beck’s new book I Cry Therefore I Am: A Study of Adult Baby Syndrome. It sounded really good when he cried about it to Kathie Lee Gifford. “I’m much more than a cartoon character,” he cried cryingly.

Heinz is releasing a new ketchup, an exclusive ketchup only available to the billions of people who use Facebook. This is a big story. I heard about this on NPR this morning. I first had to check that NPR was still a news agency (it is) and then I realized that this was a momentous time hence the opening line of this post.

The new flavor is balsamic vinegar ketchup. You can obtain it by becoming its friend on Facebook.

I am very excited. I’ve never made friends with a ketchup before, let alone a famous ketchup. At first I thought I mustard misheard, but now I relish the opportunity.

I wonder what its status updates will be?

Maybe “I’m a ketchup! Just sayin.” or “I may be a ketchup, but even I don’t give a flying f*** about ‘Where in the World is Matt Lauer.'”

I cannot wait to find out.

I wonder if it will like the same bands as me or watch the same TV shows. I hope so because I don’t know what else we can talk about.

Will it laugh, if I put “Heinzee, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship” on its wall?

Will it get angry if I question why that watery crap always seems to come out first and ruin my hamburger?

Will it be a godketchup to the second child I’m pressured into having by work acquaintances?

Endless possibilities…people are already posting how excited they are on the original Heinz ketchup Facebook page. These people have incredibly fulfilling lives covered in generous amounts of tomato concentrate.

This is what the original Heinz ketchup has as its status update: “Pumpkins aren’t just for carving! This weekend enjoy our Pumpkin Spice Bars as a delicious treat while you put the finishing touches on your Halloween costumes.”

Pumpkin spice bars made out of ketchup sound wonderful…almost as wonderful as becoming friends with a bottle of ketchup.

Momentous times.