kardashians

I Resolve to Read this Post

A new year is soon approaching unless you live in another part of the world where it actually already is Jan 1. I may be American, but I realize people live elsewhere, and that is one of my resolutions–to repress my jingoism.

USA! USA! USA! Sorry just had to get one last chant out before the close.

I also resolve to return to my art that once was a main staple of this blog.

Price: $5,321,245,999.99

I am not the only one with grand ambitions this year. Many people and entities (since corporations are technically people in the sense they can spend as much as the cost of my artwork on political campaigns and crush the soul of the world) are starting the new year off right with some brand-spanking new resolutions. Let’s resolve to slog through them for auld lang syne’s sake.

Charlie Sheen

“I resolve to refrain from speaking unless I have something of value to say. Regretfully, I will now not say anything for the rest of the year.”

Dr. Phil McGraw

“I resolve to donate my gigantic head to science immediately. This will be a win-win for those with elephantitis of the head and those who have accidentally caught my television show and heard the absolutely appalling turidsh advice I give to my guests.”

Presidential contender and professional crier Newt Gingrich

“Ditto what the big-headed turd just said.”

NBC’s new sitcom Are You There, Chelsea?

“We resolve to make Whitney look good by being the worst sitcom on NBC.”

ABC’s new sitcom Work It:

“We resolve to make Are You There, Chelsea look good by being the worst sitcom of the millennium.”

Formerly employed 50-something actor Doug Hutchinson and his child bride Courtney Stodden

“We resolve immediately to star in our own reality television show, and continue to live our lives with dignity, taste and decorum.”

Keeping Kup Kwith Kthe Kardashians

“We resolve to focus this upcoming season on restoring Bruce Jenner’s original face, and to staying irrelevant.”

10 Top TV shows

Ah TV, my old friend. We’ve had some good times especially when watching Good Times. I am cheered by your version of reality. I am invigorated by your infomercials. I am empowered by your mute button.

How can I possibly select the top 10 things you considerately displayed to me over the last 11 1/2 months? It seems like a fool’s journey or a….um….well if I watched less TV I could probably come up with another analogy.

Maybe it would be best to go with the 10 top TV shows I did not watch? Yes, let’s do that.

1. Two and a Half Men – This show uncovers the seedy underbelly of life on the vaudeville circuit for two ventriloquists and their life-size man puppet. Things took an ugly twist in the fall of this year, when the puppet veered off the wrong path and decided to head to Pleasure Island where all inhabitants are turned into jackasses. When the ventriloquists set out to rescue the puppet, they return with the wrong jackass, but the younger, dumber jackass is somehow inserted successfully into the show,  and their show is somehow  watched by millions of people.

1. Whitney  – This show pretends to be a comedy, but is really a documentary of a paranoid delusional woman who believes everything she says is funny. Luckily, the male costar is just a figment of her imagination.

1. America’s Got Talent – Yes, yes it does–it’s just not featured on this show. But it could be out there somewhere and that’s what makes the American Dream live on.

1. CSI: Gantts Quarry – This series follows a crack crime scene investigation team based in Gantts Quarry, Ala., which has a population of 0. How is that possible? That’s why it needs a crack crime scene investigation to solve the mystery through DNA thinga-ma-stuff.

1. Kardashian Knightmare Kontinues – This series chronicles the KKK’s rise to power through fear and big asses. Thankfully, their influence appears to be waning.

1. Real Housewives of Gantts Quarry – This chronicles the real-life experiences of five housewives who live in a town of 0 people. It is riveting.

10. Nightly News  – This sitcom sets itself apart by presenting entertainment as actual news. The actors do a phenomenal job of keeping a straight face while reporting the exploits of Lindsey Lohan as something someone should give two shits about. Bravo!