Will You Take It In the Ear With Me?

So a lot of shit has been happening. . . not monumental shits, but those little rabbit pellets that make going number 2 so uncomfortable and unsatisfying.

First off, my son has been sick since Saturday. He is very tired in the morning so I end up rocking him to sleep instead of catching up on my blog reading and posting comments like “Balls!” Today I even watched the Today show, which exposed me to this:

Judging from the first 2 seconds, I think I won’t like it.

Second off, my son has been throwing up onto his sheets. We’re moving so extra sheets are packed away. This is problematic.

Third off, we’re moving! When? Three days after my tonsillectomy surgery.

Fourth off, I’m getting my tonsils out. When? Next Monday. I will pack them in one of the moving boxes.

Fifth off, my gall bladder is rivaling my tonsils for my attention. It has “sludge”– whatever that is–and is basically performing like Britney Spears did at the Video Music Awards in 2007, meaning its slowing down my digestion much like Britney sleepwalked through her performance of a forgettable song. It will likely have to come out. My doctor said I should try to find an ENT with an extra long knife who can take out both my tonsils and gall bladder so I punched him in his gall bladder. I get to be injected with a radioactive dye that might possibly give me superpowers. Or not.

So rabbit-pellet shitballs.

But will this stop me from celebrating Take It In The Ear Day on Saturday?

Fuck no. Even with all the chaos, boxes, vomit, bad hairpieces, sludge and tonsil stones, I have still manage to cobble an assortment of objects I plan to take in my ear.

Here is a small sampling:

• a green bean
• Hugo’s finger
• a corkscrew
• a waffle iron
• a pair of stirrup pants
• John Travolta and Olivia Newton John’s Christmas album

What is Take It In The Ear Day?

Even Hallmark doesn’t know.

Hallmark’s ignorance has not prevented it from crafting exquisite Take It In The Ear cards.

What will you take in your ear this Saturday?

Betrayed by Journey

Okay Today show. I really wanted to lay off you today. I feel like I’ve been continually slamming every “news” bit you try to pass off as real news so I really wanted to give you a break today, Today.

But then you go and do this:

"There is no reason for me to be on TV, yet here I am!"

You have an “exclusive” interview with a loser, and devote nearly 10 minutes to it so what else can I do? You know they’re going to start hydrofracking in my state, right? The state where the Today show is filmed? Yeah, you’ve mentioned zero about that, and that shit is serious. But you give nearly 10 minutes to a bag a crap that did nothing more than sneak into a White House party. I feel like I’ve been betrayed by Journey, but we will get to that later.

So this loser, Tareq Ding-Dong, is weepy because his famewhore wife left him to go live with a leprechaun. Wait…that is a guitarist from Journey. What has happened to his face?

"I am Pennywise, the dancing clown"

Okay so he’s not exactly a clown. He looks more like this:

The clown is actually less scary.

This is a sidenote: To the older people of the world, please, please, please, stop putting plastic or poison into your faces. You do not look younger, you just look horribly horribly disfigured. I may not be the person to take advice from because I’ve already decided I’m keeping my gray hairs because I’m too lazy to go to a salon to maintain a dye job, but I think I speak for the world, when I say, you look so much better if you just age normally. Meg Ryan used to be beautiful, and now she looks like that leprechaun guitarist from Journey. End sidenote.

Ding-Dong had a beautiful marriage to Mrs. Ding-Dong until she went and jumped on a tour bus.

“(Mrs. Ding-Dong) going on a tour bus with a rock band,” weeps douche Ding-Dong. “That’s like what a groupie slut does.”

Mr. Ding-Dong, please do not denigrate the groupie sluts of the world by lumping your famewhore wife in that category. Groupie sluts actually contribute something to society–while that something may be herpes, your type contributes to the decline of civilization.

At first, Mr. Ding Dong thought his wife was taken by a dingo. He even texted Matt Lauer with his concerns. Matt Lauer first, then the FBI.

Matt Lauer is wearing his reading glasses in this “exclusive” interview signaling that this is some serious business.

“Okay dumbass, didn’t you have some clue?” says Matt Lauer, his reading glasses balanced on the end of his nose.

No, says Mr. Ding-Dong. We have new contracts, new TV offers. “We were on a comeback, if you will.” Let me help you for a second, Mr. Ding-Dong. One can have a comeback if one actually had a career to begin with (see: John Travolota and Pulp Fiction)…you cannot have a comeback if you are just a complete and utter loser who, again, did nothing more than a crash a State dinner.

“So Mrs. Ding-Dong left to be with a troll,” says Matt Lauer, peering over his glasses.

“A leprechaun,” corrects Mr. Ding-Dong. “We were best friends. In fact, I was friends with all of Journey. I feel like I’ve been betrayed by the whole gang of Journey.”

Mr. Ding-Dong, in essence, stopped believin’.

Matt Lauer dons a pair of kid gloves. “Here are some comments she made, and I’m paraphrasing,” he says. “She couldn’t take it anymore. Not only was she always in love with this leprechaun, you became unbearable to live with.”

She’s very cold, Mr. Ding-Dong replies. “I twitted (Mrs. Ding-Dong) please our dog is dying right now.” Twitted is just so, so apt.

The dog died, but did Mrs. Ding-Dong care?

“You are clearly emotional about this,” says Matt Lauer, seriously straightening his glasses. “And I apologize for being blunt here, but there are probably people watching, saying this couple became famous for all the wrong reasons. They then tried to stretch that 15 minutes of fame for as long as they possibly could and this is not an unexpected turn of events in what is in some ways a slow-motion train wreck called the (Ding-Dongs).”

Mr. Ding-Dong wishes Ashton Kutcher would jump out of the wings and blah blah blah, but alas, Mr. Ding-Dong has been lied to and duped.

“Do you want to say anything to Mrs. Ding-Dong? And let me just say that another million children now live in poverty…wait, I don’t want to say that because that is actually of some concern…um…right, do you want to say something to a person no one should ever care about,” states Matt Lauer.

“She broke our family,” drones Mr. Ding-Dong. “She broke our love. . . she wanted more fun, more fame, more celebrity. . . She jumped on a tour bus from the 1980s.”

Now that would be something I would like to see….only if the tour bus went off a cliff…and Mr. Ding-Dong was on it.