john boehner

We Had a Good Run, America

In a few days, it will be a new year, and some believe this is the year the world ends.

I’m not convinced. I consulted both my box of bones and magic eight ball, and they tell a different story, a story I’m not willing to share so close to Christmas (only 364 shopping days left!).

What is certain, is that America is done. Over. Kaput. Pfffttttttttt……..

Scientific proof:

Even looking at it hurts my ear drums (credit: saddest photographer in the world).

Roads and bridges are falling apart. Our food and products are filled with high fructose corn syrup and plasticized high fructose corn syrup-flavored corn syrup. Our schools are failing, and our children are so morbidly obese, their fingers get mistaken for hot dogs by the pack of wild dogs roaming our foreclosed suburbs. Even truck nutz look more shriveled than ever.

photo credit: world's saddest nutz sackz photographed by the world's second saddest photographer.

We had a good run…..well, except for slavery, Jim Crow, the extermination of the native people, the subjugation of women, stirrup pants, American Idol and celebrities who are famous for sex videos.

That’s it? We’re over just like that? I can change.

I don’t know….I feel like I’ve heard this from you before, America, and then you made me watch Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars, Season XXVIICCXXMM.

Give me a second chance.

This is more like your 477th. I’m still pissed about this:

Okay, here are a few things you can do to clean up your act. Consider them your New Year’s resolutions:

1. Fix shit. Remember how Wall Street f***** you over and made billions while everything crumbled? Still happening. Unlike you, they don’t want to change….ever.

2. Refuse to let John Boehner be a congressman until he does something about the orange hue of his skin and his incessant crying. Oh, and his horrible awful vomit-inducing grand-standing and scorched-earth policies. . . I’m amending this to refuse to let nearly every politician be an elected representative, and advocate for the election of Sesame Street muppets in their place.

3. Immediate deportation of anyone who uses the expression “Just sayin'” after they just f****** said something. “I think 9/11 was pretty bad, but tacos are yummy. Just sayin.'”

We’ll start here, and see how the year goes.

Of course this could still happen:

 

Keep the Strange

Holy turdballs!

There are times when one is faced with adversity, and one has to summon the strength to overcome it and be the better for it.

This is not one of those times.

Countrysinger Hank Williams Jr. is mad at ESPN and Fox & Friends because they’re turded all over his freedoms such as his freedom to be paid millions in licensing fees for screaming “Are you ready for some football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” before the weekly Monday Night football snoozefest. His voice’s ouster resulted from his saying on Fox & Assorted Imbeciles that Obama’s golf outing with the orange-hued John Boehner is like Hitler playing golf with an oompa loompa from the 1971 classic film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory:

What’s a millionaire to do except write the worst song in the history of civilization?

I downloaded this song.

My life will never the be the same.

I repeatedly listened to Keep the Change in order to write this blog post. My ears feel violated as if Hitler used them as his golf tees in his friendly game with Netanyahu.

In the first and second verses, Bocefus lists all of the freedoms he will keep such as:

1. his freedom

2. his guns

3. his money

4. his religion

5. his job

6. his smile

7. his Christian name

8. his heroes’ pictures on the wall

9. his family’s safety

10. his freedom to call your bluff

11. his big V8(??)

12. his friends

13. his right to keep the government out of his business

14. his turdishly awful songwriting “ability”

But you know what the rest of y’all can do? Y’all can keep the change.

Oh dear mother of horrible songwriting. It’s just, it’s just soooooo not good. It makes Rebecca Black’s Friday sound like Un bel di from Madame Butterfly.

Now I saw a video on Youtube of Hank singing these same exact words from a venue in 2009 so this feels a bit Candle-in-the-Windesque. But there is a new third verse, which is just killer:

“So ‘Fox and Friends’ / Wanna put me down / Ask for my opinion / Then twist it all around / Supposed to be talking about my father’s new CD / Well two can play that gotcha game, just wait and see / Don’t tread on me”

The chorus is just how the country is now socialist and going down the drain.

You can download the song for free on Hank’s website, which seems a bit socialist if you ask me. It’s like Karl Marx writing a song with Hitler to sing on Socialist American Idol (premiering Jan. 3 on Fox).

Because his freedoms are being stymied, Hank appeared to give his point of view on The Irrelevant Yapping Show. You may also know this as The View.

Hank has one of the flapping heads read from a dictionary. He says the golf game was a bunch of politicians “juking.” He says “Mickey’s a mean mouse” (Disney owns ESPN and The View because corporate control of all media is so freedomy). He likes this Mickey and points to the name Mantle on the back of his Yankees shirt. All the while the flapping heads talk over him. This appearance was very, very strange.

And you know what y’all can do?

Y’all can keep the strange.

Forget Your Daily Forecast

Things are bleak man.

More children are living in poverty. The unemployed are staying unemployed for longer durations. Kate Plus 8 has been canceled, which will contribute to eight more children living in poverty and one more adult qualifying for unemployment.

But the real reason I’m saying “things are bleak man” is that the horoscope has even become godawful depressing. I don’t normally read my horoscope mainly because I don’t believe every human born within the same month share the same qualities.

Like take Harriet Tubman, a woman who risked her life for freedom and risked it again and again so others could be free. She was a spy in the Civil War and the first female to lead a raid against an enemy camp. She was a Pisces. So is John Stossel. He has a show on Fox News and is known for whining the phrase “Give me a break.” He is a douche.

Or take Mother Teresa who devoted her life to helping the poor and sick in India. She was a Virgo. So is Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil makes his money exploiting the bewildered. And is a giant-headed turd. So is Dr. Drew Pinsky. He’s a Virgo, I mean. His head is normal-sized, and he is a bespectacled turd. And he makes his money exploiting the bewildered who once had some semblance of fame if you consider porn and reality TV as legitimate entertainment careers.

So I don’t put much faith into astrological signs. I’m a Scorpio. So is John Boehner. And Charles Manson. My father and George W. Bush were born on the same day in the same year so they should be pretty similar. Yet my father is actually competent in his job. And he did not fabricate evidence to start an unnecessary war and then later say his most regrettable moment in his presidency was when Kanye West said my father didn’t care about black people. At least I don’t think that happened to him. I will ask him tomorrow and post an editor’s note if I am mistaken.

I know, I know, George W. Bush jokes are sooooo 2008. But I’m a little off today, and my horoscope said I would be. My horoscope told me a big urgent responsibility (i.e. writing my next blog post) that I’d been artfully dodging in hopes that someone else would do it (i.e., Les from Best Bathroom Books, Nancy from Not Quite Old), would be dumped in my lap. And–get this–Me and my lap asked for it. Like, what the &**!^&$#@! horoscope. That is really hostile.

So I checked out the other signs and they were equally belligerent, accusatory and critical.

“If you refuse to go along with the majority, you are likely to create a lot of unnecessary dissension” – Better conform, you goddamn Sagittarius. Don’t be thinking for yourself.

“If you are too indecisive, someone else will make the big decision. Don’t blame them if you don’t like their choice” you $%$!$% spineless piece o’ crap Libra.

“You should take extra precautions when working with tools or materials that you are unfamiliar with” because, frankly Taurus, you are a dumbass and will likely lop off your own head.

And on and on it goes–all bleak.

I’m expecting tomorrow’s will be something like “The zombie apocalypse is upon you.”

I’ll make sure I don’t have any Tauruses with me.

The Most “Amazing” Ending to the Most “Dramatic” Season

This will be the biggest, most dramatic, most emotional, most amazing, most incredible, most edible, most threadible, most bedible, most shredible blog post ever written about the biggest, most dramatic, most emotional, most herpeseque, most humptifying, most shushleshizzle conclusion in the two-season history of Bachelor Pad.

The finale was three hours long. You must be thinking “That is not nearly enough time to wrap up all of those compelling storylines.”

Or you could be thinking: “What were the compelling storylines on Bachelor Pad?

I will answer your question:

I don’t know.

But let us begin. Hold on to your #%$@% hats.

Part I: The biggest night by far

We are informed by the host that this is the “biggest night by far here on Bachelor Pad.” See it is the final challenge and the final challenge will take place in Las Vegas. Tons of “Vegas, baby” are said by the remaining cast members. I down my first glass of wine and weep silently into my hands.

Vegas, baby. The four couples enter a theater. They learn that they will be performing a Cirque du Soleil routine. In harnesses, they will scale a giant vertical wall and do some showy fight sequence. I would enjoy this segment much more if they did not use harnesses and had to defy gravity to win the competition. Some contestants profess a desire to lose control of bodily functions either through their anuses or mouths. Graham continues the reality television tradition of misusing the word literal when he says “I’m literally pissing down my leg.”

The judges are all former Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants, and this has about as much meaning to me as if they were all from the Campbell County Chamber of Commerce. Wyoming, baby.

Performances. They run up the wall. One couple throws toilet paper. Let’s get to the judging because we have two hours and 45 minutes left…Michael and Holly win. They are going to the finals and will get to chose the other couple that joins them. Ella and Kirk lose. Ella cries. One of the judges makes a pouty face at Ella like Ella is a toddler.

Holly and Mike have a really hard decision. This is made clear by the two of them saying this: “We have a really hard decision ahead of us,” says Michael. “This is a hard decision,” says Holly.

They go speak with the Vienna and Kasey. Gimme gimme gimme!!! Kasey and Vienna say.

They decide to go with Graham and Michelle. Vienna’s face crumples. “My perfect rose record was ruined,” she cries. That must be how Michael Vick felt when his prized pitbull lost its first dog fight.

Part II – the most unbelievable conclusion to Bachelor Pad

The host announces that this is the most unbelievable conclusion to Bachelor Pad. He then says it’s the most amazing conclusion to Bachelor Pad. Well which is it, asshole?

He continues: “It’s been a dramatic season to say the least”. . . 18 of the “most memorable” contestants returned to the bachelor mansion “seeking love”. . “From the moment the first limo pulled up, the drama of Bachelor Pad began and it never let up.”

The host and I were clearly watching different shows.

“Please let me welcome. . Alli” Who the #%@% is that?

“I just don’t know what were in store for tonight, but I’m sure it will be fantastic.” Jesus Christ–we get it, okay? The show is the most amazing show in the history of shows. The people on it are the most amazing people to have ever existed in the past, present and future. The bowel movement the host had before the taping of the show was the greatest bowel movement ever produced by a bowel since the Big Bang.

Interviews….excuse me….amazing(!!) interviews commence. One couple is asked about their relationship. The woman is confused and upset because they recently broke up. “I didn’t get out of bed for a week. Seriously a week.” The guy looks uncomfortably at the floor. The host deftly smooths over this incredibly awkward exchange with “I know I speak for the millions of fans, we’re crying along with you.” I speak for Speaker7– I need another glass of wine.

Jake is now in the “hot” seat. His return “was one of the most controversial” of the season. We watch a retrospective of Jake’s “journey” on Bachelor Pad. It was just like I saw this three weeks ago….because I just saw this three weeks ago. Vienna and Kasey were cold to Jake, Jake confesses. He was particularly hurt by Kasey’s remarks about punching Jake for America. Kasey says he was wrong and acted like a fool and apologizes to Jake. They stand up and give each other a handshake/hug. World peace is restored. It would be the equivalent of watching Barack Obama and John Boehner make out in the Rose Garden.

Kasey is now in the “hot” seat. He watches his Bachelor Pad retrospective. One contestant describes his voice as sounding like Kermit the frog’s. Kasey says he has a speech impediment and now I feel like crap for making fun of the way he talks, but then I realize the impediment affects how he speaks not what he says, and I feel better because I mainly made fun of the inane sh*t he says.

Blake is in the hot seat and I don’t care even if he was the “lightning rod of controversy.” He loves him some Holly. Oh what nice surprise! We have some footage of Holly and Blake having a picnic…and this is not weird at all, not even with the dramatic music, and they talk about how much they love each other and we get different camera angles so we know at least two cameras are capturing this very authentic, and of course amazing, date. And Blake proposes. Like I mentioned before, completely normal.

Jesus Christ, there is a whole &#^&*! hour left.

Part III – the exciting moment you’ve all been waiting for

The host informs us that this is the exciting moment we’ve all been waiting for. I don’t know if the host realizes that he has completely changed the definitions of the words amazing, unbelievable and exciting to now mean dull as shit.

The two remaining couples enter. The host has Holly tell Michael she’s engaged to Blake. “Like here??” Michael incredulously asks. The host wave his hands in a oh-god-no-not-on-the-show-we’re-just-doing-this-now-to-humiliate-you kind of way. “I’m sorry…that’s super awkward,” Michael says.

Four thousand minutes later, the contestants vote. The host helpfully points out that there are 14 people so the first couple to get eight votes wins. Math is hard.

Michael and Holly win. The game is about to take its “final twist and final turn,” the host says. It will “test your relationship like never before,” he says…if you disregard Holly and Michael’s two broken engagements and Holly’s subsequent engagement to another guy.  To cut an overly inflated seasonal finale explanation short, Holly and Michael need to decide if they want to share the $250,000. Tension. They do.

“What an amazing ending to a very dramatic season of Bachelor Pad,” the host says.

But that’s not all, we get to meet the newest bachelor for the upcoming season of The Bachelor.

For some reason, my finger hits the power button on the TV remote although I can go to bed reassured that the new season will be amazing, unbelievable and exciting.